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The first rule for being an Evil Overlord is to follow the rules for being an Evil Overlord.

My Legions of Terror will wear helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

All ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

All ventilation ducts will be too small to send your average remote control vehicle through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is NEVER too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object that is my one weakness. (If it can't be destroyed.)

I will never gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, (and for some unknown reason find it necessary to marry her) we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard its notice. The ON/OFF switch to such device will not clearly be marked as such, or even be in the same room.

I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. If there are any flaws in my plan, he will be able to spot so they can be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

After the grand shoot out, I will have each one of my enemies shot in the head. (This goes for any type of combat situation.)

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter hits a time that I feel hero is about to put his plan into operation.

If I really don't care when the timer goes off I set it to go off at a random time.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. For she would be as evil as she was beautiful, and with one look at the hero's rugged appearance she would betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-off that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never find it necessary to utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

If my enemy has just been killed by one of my minions in a fight, I will put a bullet into his head, just to make sure.

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is always someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am... Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for more formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake, its gross, and accomplishes nothing.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. (for those of you who know me, don't worry I'll shave it off when the time comes.)

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cellblock, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door in a place that only I know about.

I will not keep the real key to the cell of my enemies on my person, so when the beautiful woman that the heroes sent to seduce me tries to get it, I have nothing to worry about.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and/or filching keys that happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans, but I will still sleep with her... I am evil after all.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a inexperienced youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a inexperienced youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with all IBM and Macintosh operating system's.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says, "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and give her to my guards, then have her killed. There are, after all, hordes of beautiful young women out there just waiting to marry someone as rich and powerful as I am.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being, and then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

Come to think of it, I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being.

The deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else who is better qualified, and that would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner, I'll run like hell.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in less than 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Likewise all vending machines will also be built into the walls.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. Also they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room might be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment, or such.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. Instead all babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Also all orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

All my guards will have cell phones, in addition to their normal communication equipment, so if we are jammed, or the hero has a piece of our communication equipment, my guards can just call.

My people will have good schools, health care, jobs, and will be treated fairly by my minions. So when the hero shows up he will be so confused by what he sees that he will most likely turn around and go home. But if he still feels that he needs to overthrow me he'll find no one willing to help.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty to see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan I will design it so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, and I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to offer the hero the chance to be my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, I will have it melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins just after it is activated.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time sending out progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, and he glances behind me and drops flat, I will also drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not fire at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, and have had poison put in his goblet, and then find that I have to leave the table for some reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not he switched them. (Anyway it’s always easier, and more fun to shoot him.)

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, i.e. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the Sacred Altar then activate the Medallion of Doom at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "flip a switch."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures an adversaries superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, my adversary held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door, but if I find that I must, one word... mirrors.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this; his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that I would like to have a few months of quiet contemplation, after which I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will let them be. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to a minimum of 1.45Mb in size, and be labeled, recipes.

All entrances, exits and windows will be set with giant magnets so that any computer disks will be erased.

In order to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access, and cable.

All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.

All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and up to date wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.

I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ “The Club.”

Employees will have conjugal visit rooms which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have are actually plotting.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.

I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.

If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)

If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.

If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck (See my earlier rules about this) and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress, and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm… I think I need a shave."

My force-field generators will be located INSIDE the shield they generate.

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"

I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.

I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.

If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once, rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.

I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.

Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.

My security system will be impenetrable. No open space between the lasers, and no handholds on the ceiling.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it anyway.

I will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not to show any.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

I will try to design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted enough to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he has caused. If I find that I can’t find such an individual then I’ll have them shot as soon as the testing faze is completed.

If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.

I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly unless all my soldiers are dead, and I'm out of rounds.

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of carefully hidden explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never tell an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire at least one more shot than the standard issue.

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.

If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.

Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead find a good vantage point or monitoring camera and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats and cold drinks for the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach. (Now a fake key, ha ha, now that’s funny.)

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. Its regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

My doomsday machine will have a highly advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

The passageways to and within my domain will be well lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.

If I'm sitting in my camp, and we hear a twig snap, my men will investigate, and if all they encounter a small woodland creature, I will still send out some scouts just to be on the safe side. (Plus if they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

Come to think of it, I’ll have those stainless steel prison toilets installed instead of using chamber pots. The toilets will also be non-reflective, just in case.

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.

If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.

I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code. (If I find that I have no choice in the matter, then I will higher someone to send false information.)

If my surveillance reports any unmanned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.

Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.

I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessories, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.

When it comes to my Legions of Terror I will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no "man" can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!" they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 5 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for my mom's Potato Salad.

I will train my troops so that when they burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, they will not walk up and investigate; they'll run like hell.

Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.

I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired bodyguards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with Bill.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be locked up while I decide his fate.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from above.

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.

I will have my fortress exorcised regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even the most dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and college tuition.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say, "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

I will not outsource core functions.

If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse. (If it does, see the rule such devices)

Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.

I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon naked.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain.

If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.

I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is favoritism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the rest of the family.

If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.

If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus more on her and less on him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.

I will make several erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travelers to entrust them to aged hermits.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a loaded gun will be summarily executed.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

I will not make alliances with those more powerful than I am. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than I am. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

I will maintain plausible deniability at all times.

When I capture the fair maiden, I will not kill her. This is not a matter of morality -- if I gave a damn about that, I wouldn't run around kidnapping women in the first place. However, if I did kill the fair maiden, I would have the problem of disposing of the body and I would no longer have the leverage provided by the threat of killing her. If the fair maiden presents a problem in terms of being a possible witness, I will solve that problem by blindfolding her or making her wear a hood. Simply because I am evil does not mean I am wasteful, and it's wasteful to kill perfectly good fair maidens. After all, I might have some use for her at some point.

When I have the fair maiden nicely tied up and I am ready for a good gloat, I will not lean down and stare into her face from a distance of a few inches. She will just spit on me. If I absolutely have to do some close, face-to-face gloating, I'll make sure she's gagged first.

When given a choice as to which fair maiden of a group I wish to possess, I will always choose the most attractive ones and pass the name of lucky lass onto my men. Now kidnapping the most attractive fair maiden would seem to be obvious, but it's surprising how often minions miss this point.

The Fair Maiden will never be left unsecured in rooms full of bolt cutters, gasoline cans, knives, scissors, lock picks, band saws, electric drills, submachine guns, hand grenades, flame throwers and the like under the assumption that simply because she is unable to leave the room, she is helpless. The fair maiden will always be gagged, bound hand and foot, and either secured to some very stable object well away from all other objects in the room, or thrown into a completely empty room (See cell here). Any henchmen who leave a fair maiden alone and unsecured will be shot.

I will never attend an auction of an "ultimate weapon". If the weapon were really that good, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.

Any ultimate weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and the components of which were scattered to the far parts of the world could not have been that great in the first place, or no one would have disassembled it.

Instead of going to all the trouble of stealing a 200 megaton nuclear device and ransoming a city to get the billions of dollars needed to enact my Master Plan, I’ll simply start an evangelical Tele-ministry. That way, I not only will get the money; I’ll get a fanatical cult of followers that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.

If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of the main reactor. If this proves unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have reinforced blast doors every few feet, and there will be alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.

I will never enter into an alliance with a being or group I cannot easily betray. And I will always assume that my new "allies" are holding to the same principle.

If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably backfire. However, if my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for mere world domination.

Another one of my closest advisors will be a prolific hack novel reader. If any part of my Master Plan begins to resemble any of his books, it will be disregarded.

Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of goodness is expunged.

I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I am evil, not stupid.

My pet monster's cage will be cleaned regularly and kept free of rocks, sticks, bones, or any other debris condemned prisoners might use as weapons to slay it when I drop them through the secret trap door.

If my evil sorceress consort fails to destroy the hero for a third consecutive time with her so-called magic, I will reassign her to running the 1-800-PSYCHIC hotline, I will also try to keep a straight face when she threatens to turn me into something gross.

If for some reason I enslave an entire race of people, I will not put them to work at tasks modern machinery can do more efficiently.

No part of my fortress will feature giant, freestanding stone statues or obelisks. While the sight of them would indeed be awe inspiring, it would be far too easy for a hero with superhuman strength or a well placed explosive charge to knock one over on top of me and/or my soldiers. Optionally, if I must have giant statues made out of myself, they will be made of Styrofoam and helium. This way, when the explosive charge does go off, there will be a short, morale boosting moment as I get to do the Evil Overlord Chipmunk command to slay my enemies.

The interior decor of my fortress will not feature pointy objects I could be impaled upon if I'm knocked off balance and stumble backwards during a fight.

All my public speaking engagements will be handled by a hologram. If I ever go out in public myself, I will always be in disguise.

I will not resort to android duplicates to safeguard myself from capture by my enemies because:  What I can construct others can emulate. If my minions are familiar with the use of androids they may make the mistake of letting the wrong one past their guard.  My enemies can capture and reprogram one for the same effect.  Any android can at any time decide that humans are inferior and commence extermination. Handing a killer android an already-assembled international commonwealth is considered "bad form".

Likewise, I will not use cloned duplicates to safeguard myself from capture by my enemies because they have desires and needs like other people and may sell me out, or worse attempt to murder and replace me.

Regardless of the extra revenue and good PR they might generate, I will not allow public tours of my fortress or any other important facility I own.

Efforts spent breaking a heroine’s spirit allow time for things such as heroic rescues, and are uncertain enough to allow last minute betrayals. Instead, I'll have my staff take several high-quality photographs of her, hire a good plastic surgeon and kidnap the ugliest girl in my kingdom. Then make the ugly one look just like the pretty one, but not until after I've pumped two rounds into the heroine's head, and feed her to my pet crocodiles.

Anyone making any kind of deliveries to my fortress will be required to show proper identification and submit their conveyance to an inspection before they can pass through the gate. The same applies when they leave.

I will not refuse to compromise with my enemies if the result will be of benefit to me in the long run.

I will make every effort to either corrupt my foes or kill them. Humiliating them and enraging them through acts of depravity motivated solely to upset them will only rebound negatively against my long-term interests.

If I've captured the beautiful princess and forced her to wear a skimpy slave costume and chain around her neck, I will take precautions to ensure she will not be able to strangle me with it.

Any new concubines I plan to add to my harem will go through a complete screening process, including tests for STDs.

Any new concubines I plan to add to my harem will go through a complete screening process, including tests for STDs.

All guards (and other workers) will be entitled to three weeks paid vacation a year after one full year's employment, they will be covered (after a six month period) by comprehensive medical and dental insurance (paid by me, the Evil Overlord) for themselves and spouse/companion and all dependents. They will have regularly scheduled pay-raises for every five years with which they remain in my employ as well as annual, merit-based bonuses. Stock options and retirement plans will be made available after five years of employment along with favorably termed loans for home improvement, education and debt consolidation. Any employee disabled in my service will receive a lifetime pension. Every year, my organization will make a few sizable college scholarships available for the most qualified of the dependents of my employees. Upon leaving my employ they will be constrained from working for any competitor or adversary for a period of not less than five years. All dismissals (as opposed to termination on their part) will be accompanied by a payment of one month's salary as termination pay and an excellent recommendation (regardless of cause for dismissal). Good will is more valuable than terror on the part of my employees.

If the hero and his party mount a surprise raid on my fortress, and there's no time to reach my secret escape pod, I will disguise myself as one of my bottom-rung, non-combat employees. (No real hero would shoot a poor, defenseless janitor, now would he?)

The members of my secret police will have broad-ranging authority to do their jobs; however, I reserve the right to terminate any that use their power for what I deem to be "non-constructive purposes" (like petty revenge).

I will regularly spend some of my free time with my staff of personal trainers so I'll be in good fighting shape just in case I absolutely must battle the hero one on one.

The moat around my fortress will be teaming with sharks with lasers on their heads (every creature deserves a warm meal). And no, I will not settle for sea bass, no matter how bad-tempered they are. ALL I ASK FOR IS SOME SHARKS WITH FRICKING LASERS ON THEIR HEADS!!!!

When I have completely conquered and subjugated the entire world, I will not immediately branch out into other worlds/dimensions. I'll wait a few generations so that my subjects will only know life under my benevolent reign, thus providing little help to any renegades from the new worlds.

I will carefully read and reread Machiavelli's The Prince, Sun Tzu's The Art of War, and Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's Self Matters before I set out on my quest to conquer the world.

If I find one of my kept women alone in my office or bedchamber and she is suddenly startled when I enter the room, I will immediately cut off her only escape and summon the guards. I will then order them to do a complete strip search and body cavity check on her. After that I will have them search the entire room top to bottom. If these searches turn up any items she tried to filch from or plant in the room, she will be executed on the spot.

My fortress will be designed with blast doors that authorized personnel can open and close quickly and easily whenever they need to.

All my secret escape pods will come with leather interior, dual climate zone comfort system, AM/FM stereo with 5 disk CD changer, emergency small arms cache, first aid kit, and a fridge with cold drinks.

I will not hire one of the hero's old flames to infiltrate the rebellion. Even though she'll likely be excepted without question, she'll no doubt double cross me after the first chance she gets to reminisce about the "good old days."

If I ever spend 30 years in cryogenic stasis, upon awakening I will defer any evil scheming until my Trusted Lieutenant can bring me up to speed on current events.

If I discover that the hero is the offspring of my Trusted Lieutenant, I will never allow the Trusted Lieutenant to try to turn the Hero to my service. The hero will most likely turn my Lieutenant against me, and letting the enemy have access to my most guarded secrets can be bad for my health. Rather, I'll just accept the cost of training a new second-in-command and kill the Trusted Lieutenant. He's just trying to turn the hero to his side so he can overthrow me anyway. But if I temporarily lose my mind and allow my Trusted Lieutenant to try and turn the hero to my service, I will order the Trusted Lieutenant out of the room while I confront the hero. That way, I won't have to worry about the Trusted Lieutenant's pesky parental instinct kicking in when I kill the hero.

If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep the night before.

No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of (a) securing such a rarity and (b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time. (Or a guard for that matter)

While it may be tempting to use an Ultimate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if a large number of less Ultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect. I will go with numbers every time.

My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats to My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.

Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brain wiping the witnesses to my mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward avoiding mistakes.

In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal on the part of my advisors.

If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.

If there is any body of water in my realm that is home to a race of clumsy, slow-witted amphibians, it will immediately be drained and filled in with concrete.

My dungeon cells will have solid physical doors in addition to force fields so that a power failure doesn't become a jailbreak.

New recruits for my Legion of Terror and/or secret police will undergo careful screening- including background checks, psychological evaluations, IQ and aptitude testing, drug and alcohol screening, and full physicals; before they begin their training and subsequent service.

I will learn from companies like Enron on how to steal ungodly amounts of money, instead of resorting to ransoming the planet with my latest doomsday device (which I never get to use, anyway).

If a person carrying an odd colored sword walks into my kingdom, I will take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the sword wielder.

My Legions of Terror will have a competent Internal Affairs department to make sure, among other things, that none of my henchmen are old childhood friends or former lovers of the Hero.

Any documentation that I must keep regarding my latest plan for global domination/ultimate weapon/etc. will be kept in a folder labeled something uninteresting, such as "Sewage System Maintenance Logs". I will, however, leave on my desk a folder with a catchy, upbeat label like "Operation: Annihilation". In the folder will be a single diskette, labeled only with the skull-and-crossbones. On the diskette will be the nastiest viruses, Trojan horse programs, and computer worms that I and/or my henchmen can devise. My base's computers will of course be protected against anything on this diskette, and inserting the diskette into a computer on my base will trigger the death rays.

I will have no young, nubile female assistants. All my assistants will look like members of the East German swim team.

I will endeavor to treat the ancient, sylvan forests surrounding my keep in a kindly, Eco-friendly manner. By no means will I rip up every tree within five miles of my castle in order to provide raw materials for any kind of breeding program.

Lastly if I do ever become an Evil overlord I will have all copies of this list, save my own, destroyed, and anyone else in possession of this list will be put to death.