I will design my starship so that command functions cannot be hot-wired from a wall panel in the recreation bay.

I will maintain no association with Sidekicks who routinely employ prostitutes. While such entertainment doubtlessly relieves my comrade of the wearying burden of the heroic struggle, the women met in this fashion tend to filch artifacts needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies and/or assassins, carry unpleasant diseases, and (worst of all) get me in trouble with my Girlfriend.

I will ignore the Evil Overlord's arguments revolving around honor and/or morality. If he were really all that worked up over either, he never would have become the Evil Overlord in the first place.

I will put surge protectors in the circuitry of my ship, so that a shot striking a room in the back of the ship does not cause a control panel on the bridge to explode.

I will not walk alone and undisguised into a bar in the Evil Overlord's territory in order to meet with an ex-associate who said a bunch of damaging things about me in one of the Evil Overlord's propaganda pieces.

I will design redundancy into all ship systems, so that the loss of one component will not cripple the entire vessel.

When the Evil Overlord is hanging off of a cliff by his fingers, I will not try to help him up. If time and means are available, I will take care of him then and there.

When combat is imminent, my ship's computer will be programmed so that enemy troops that beam aboard will be counter-beamed into space. It will also deliver a kilo of antimatter to the bridge of the ship in question.

When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so.

When the enemy ships captain has just made threats upon my life and that of my crew, and is now arming weapons, I will immediately open fire upon it, instead of waiting for it to fire three or four times.

Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible line of BS as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be property investigated.

When a comrade defects to the enemy, I will have all of my passwords changed, and as soon as it is practical, I will have the computer disconnected, reformatted, and the approved software reloaded from the original secured CD-ROMs.

Anyone who cannot be entertained by books, Movies, music, a good game of cards, and a well-stocked bar will not be allowed to crew my ship. Hence there will be no need for a holodeck on my ship.

If an associate begins to transform into something large and threatening, I will immediately act to neutralize the threat, and not wait until the transformation is complete.

Likewise, if an enemy begins to metamorphosize into something bigger and badder, I will immediately start firing at it instead of watching in horrid fascination.

After capturing a space station from an enemy, I will have the entire computer systems completely removed, melted down into slag, and dumped into the nearest stellar object. A new computer will then be installed.

I will take neither oath of unquestioning obedience, nor any oath of obedience to person of unproved character.

If a comrade of mine is a sanctimonious coward who continually gets us all in trouble through his greed, I shall, after the second or third episode of this behavior, act to preserve myself and my other comrades only, and let him be destroyed by the mess he made for himself.

I will reveal to each comrade a different clue for distinguishing me from an impostor, so that if one of them betrays me and an impostor is sent in my place, the rest of them will be able to catch on to the charade.

Under no circumstances will I agree to not develop or employ any particular technology.

I will never assume that an enemy is dead unless the remains are available for autopsy, and I will always keep in mind the potentiality of cloning technology or resurrection magic.

I will employ some manner of surveillance so that when I leave a room and a traitorous comrade gives me the malicious scowl or wicked leer to my back, I will have ample warning of his impending betrayal.

Self-appointed prophets who deliver elliptically-worded warnings will be politely asked to phrase their utterances in plainer terms. If said prophet refuses the request, a five-year-old child will be asked to explain the meaning of the prophecy.

I will waste no time trying to get the rich to join my rebellion. The only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord's realm is to be a collaborator, and any rich people who truly feel guilty about this will serve the rebellion better by not openly joining.

If my mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgment and complete my training.

If one of the bad guys manages to kill my mentor, I am clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.

I shall arrange my personal affairs so that it doesn't matter if anyone discovers my secret identity.

If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend/lover and fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing my mission will probably result in the friend/lover's death anyway, and go on with the mission.

If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment, and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.

If any of my associates mysteriously disappears, and then returns behaving in an uncharacteristic manner, I will immediately presume that their loyalty has been compromised by the Evil Overlord.

Old flames that join the rebellion will be given duties that preclude contact with me. This not only protects me from any attempt by the Evil Overlord to use them as agents, but also keeps my Girlfriend from leaving me in a fit of insane, if misplaced jealousy.

I will presume that the Evil Overlord is working to nullify my secret powers. I shall therefore obtain the means to fight him should he succeed.

If I have a technologically superior foe that is intent on eliminating my whole civilization, and I am offered a means to utterly destroy this foe for all time, I will use it.

I will enter into alliances with the Evil Overlord only on the understanding that the rationale he has supplied for the alliance is not the unvarnished truth, and furthermore that he will betray me the moment it becomes advantageous to him to do so.

If my Girlfriend is captured and forced into marriage with the Evil Overlord, I will not attempt to rescue her until after the ceremony has begun; unless said ceremony will irrevocably harm or alter her in some way.

If she doesn't know already, I shall train my Girlfriend in the art of unarmed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord uses her as a human shield, she can slam her fist into his groin.

To prevent my on-board computer from being reprogrammed by every Tom, Dick, and Harry that sneaks on board, its software will be stored in non-flash upgrade ROM chips that are soldered to the motherboard; RAM will be reserved for data only.

I will design the greatest possible degree of manual back-up into my space vessels, so that when my on-board computer begins to act strangely, I can power it down via a hardwired switch located next to my seat on the bridge, and yet not be left totally helpless.

I will never allow someone to read the technical manuals and blueprints of my ship unless they work in engineering or operations, and therefore have a need-to-know. All personnel will be properly cleared prior to assignment to engineering or operations. The technical manuals and blueprints of a totally fictitious craft will be freely available.

If, through skill or luck, I defeat an better-armed opponent, I will at least try to get his/her/its weapons.

If my starship's drive or weapons systems require lengthy charge times between uses, I shall research and develop equipment that can handle a heavier duty cycle.

When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's headquarters through some unorthodox route such as the main sewage drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for this observation, rather than simply praising out luck and pressing joyously on.

After killing a few dozen faceless, anonymous grunts in the Legion of Doom without a second thought, I will not take a merciful attitude with the Evil Overlord, his family, his lieutenants, or anyone else with a speaking part.

When I kill one of the Evil Overlord's deer, I will not lug it to his castle and wave it in his face just to make some obscure point, only to wind up having to fight my way out of his castle. I'll just take it home and enjoy some venison.

If a member of my crew can perfectly mimic my voice giving the commands to take control of my ship, additional security measures they cannot mimic will be added, such as retinal scans and palm print scans.

I will remember that if the bad guy tries to kill enough people, no one will mind too much if I kill him rather than disarm him.

If my ship is constantly being bugged/robbed/invaded/taken over, I will replace my security officer, no matter how cool a character he is or how popular he is with the fans err… I mean crew.

If knowledge of the operating frequency of a ship's system aids to disable that system, I will employ an arcane development known as "frequency hopping".

Before allowing crewmembers to take leave on a planet, I will ensure that they are welcome and that the planet's government recognizes certain precepts, like "the rule of law", "trial by jury", "presumption of innocence", and so forth. I will also learn local laws so that one of my crewmembers doesn't end up on death row for scratching his nose in public or some other trivial act.

If one of my crewmembers is unjustly imprisoned and/or condemned, and the officials with whom I speak show a marked disinterest in his actual guilt or innocence, I will not waste time trying to gather evidence that will exonerate the crewmember. Instead, I will mount a fully armed rescue mission.

If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one a logical, scientific explanation and the other a load of new age crap, I will accept the scientific explanation.

My robots will be programmed to speak only when they have something useful to say. That way, I will not be tempted to ignore them when they have critical information.

When I state my intention to do something, and one of my robots interrupts me, I will at least hear it out.

I will wear a different outfit every day, so that the Evil Overlord's henchmen will not be able to spot me at a glance.

If I lose a hand and have it replaced with a prosthesis, the prosthesis will have a functional weapon built into it.

When beaming into a hostile territory, I will instruct my transporter chief to beam me into a defensible position, with the landing party facing outwards in a circle. I will also have my weapon out before I beam down.

I will not have sex with anyone before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle.

If I beam off of a vessel that is still hostile, I will arrange to leave behind as large an explosive device as I can obtain.

High sounding directives notwithstanding, I will never value culture over human life.

If I get incriminating evidence about an enemy or superior, I will make several copies, and store each in a different location. I will not surrender the sole copy to anyone. If ordered to destroy the copies, I will do so, but only after making more copies.

I will not make my Sidekick wait somewhere while I go on ahead by myself. He'll only get into trouble and I will have to go save him.

Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing blood relationships to light. (Plus if a member’s identity is in question this will make learning the truth a lot faster.)

When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.

I will assume that all superweapons are operational until proven otherwise, especially if they "appear" unguarded.

I will never leave my family or my Girlfriend unguarded if they cannot defend themselves.

A random alien's claims about his/her/its race's cultural values and attitudes will be given no more credence than a random human's claims about human cultural values and attitudes.

I will not throw infantry into combat with creatures of leviathan stature. I shall instead turn such affairs over to the artillery crew.

If my ship is whisked to the far side of the galaxy, leaving us with a seventy-year-long journey home, and an omnipotent superbeing offers to take us home instantly in exchange for having his baby, I will agree.

I will not trust a being with an inordinate amount of tentacles.

I will not ask, "What does god need with a space ship?" and then order a photon torpedo barrage. I will order the torpedo barrage first and then ponder theology on the way home.

People who whine about not being trusted are either:

Operatives of the Evil Overlord

I will cultivate non-fighting-related skills so that when the war I've worked so hard to end is finally over, I won't be unemployed. Besides, women find it charming when a man can sew.

If I do find myself unemployed after the war, I won't go over to the side of evil just because they're the only ones who still need my skills. Vocational training is dull and embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as having to fight all my old allies.

I will spend some time learning my family history, since it's good to know in advance that I am an alien/descendant of a god/heir to the throne/part of a deal to the underworld. Little things like that are sure to pop up, and it's nice to know in advance.

In the same vein, I will keep track of anything my parents/mentor say so I don't have to unearth things like, "Did you marry me off when I was three?" "Do I have a secret weakness?" "Was I adopted?" "Is what that nice alien girl said about my lineage true?" and "Are you sure there isn't another ultimate technique I can learn?"

If I'm facing a particularly amusing or pathetic villain, I will resist the urge to kill him or let him join me. All that does is to clear the way for some new villain who is probably infinitely worse. (But I will keep an eye on him, things can change.)

I will learn of those laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decide when and to whom I will marry, thank you very much.

I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord. (I hope!)

If I have a friend who never seems to be around whenever the Hero appears just in time to clobber the Evil Overlord, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.

My own Sidekick will be picked for brains, not looks.

If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I shall first go to an alternate location, change my clothing, equipment, and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.

If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's secret plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little Sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little Sidekicks.

I will obtain skill in unarmed combat, so that I can put my fist into the Evil Overlords groin, and put my elbow into his solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield.

I will not tackle a bad guy barehanded as long as more practical alternatives exist.

I will obtain skill in armed combat, so that when the Hero and the Evil Overlord are locked in mortal combat, I can go grab some dead henchman's weapon and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.

I will practice running until I am able to go quickly from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble in my path. (I will also do this in high heals… just in case.)

If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind so frequently that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.

Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on supremely stupid bad guys, it never hurts to try.

After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from a bad guy and then toss it to the Hero when he walks in. I will instead grab a weapon from a bad guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.

Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.

When the Evil Overlord forces me to betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphysical sense only, of course).

My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate to the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical and comfortable. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia.

If my clothing becomes torn in a manner that threatens to cause me to die of exposure or transform me into "cheesecake", I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty, and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem-girl outfit will be reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.

I will not hesitate to lie about the secret location of the rebel base.

If I have any odd phobias to spiders, snakes, lightning, and so on, I will seek therapy and overcome them so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I won't panic. However, since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will still fake phobias in order to deceive and distract bad guys.

If I am ever offered a bribe, I will happily accept it, and then inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after part will be that much happier if we have a nice nest egg to rely on.

The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the bad guy.

Knowing that tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for any and all creatures that might have them.

I will obtain some basic mountaineering skills so that when I am dangling off of a cliff, the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.

If I am ever presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will do so, rather than waiting to let the Hero do it.

I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their craft in some remote location when the customer base couldn't possibly support a full-time merchant.

I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he is not related to me.

I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it is being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll will either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever.

If the Hero tells me that he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it is already too late. A kidnapping is in the planning and I will take all possible precautions against it.

I will obtain a device by which the Hero can locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped.

I will refuse all gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the Evil Overlord.

When the Sidekick comes to rescue me, I will immediately dump any items I've picked up from the Evil Overlords henchmen. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed. Then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he gives up the ghost, and then I'll feel obligated to say some comforting lies before his eyes close for the last time. Then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, we'll wind up naming our first child after him.

There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find a spunky, moderately-attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them toward each other. If they quarrel, they're in love. If they hit it off, she loves him but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me. In this last case, the Hero will send them out on a mission together, and they will return in love.

If I absolutely must scream, I will use actual words with useful information. "I am being eaten by a shuggoth!" this better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple, ear-splitting "Aaarrrggghhh!"

When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven into his evil ways by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him.

I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a likely chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn that he did it until after I have fallen in love with him.

I will not go into town for information if I am regularly beaten to a pulp while doing so.

If the Hero tells me to stay put, I will listen to him for a change.

Optimism and survival seem to correlate negatively. If I find myself feeling good about human nature at all times, I will verify the status of my life insurance policies.

I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them.

I will coordinate all heroic struggle-related activities with the Hero. If I can't tell him what I am doing, I shouldn't be doing it.

I will exercise the utmost caution during the heroic struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death, nor the burning rage to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.