You should avoid trying to rough up the Hero. Ransacking his hotel rooms is probably safe, but being sent out to beat up the good guys is a sure-fire ticket to hell. However, remember that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if he has never received a sound thrashing, go for it!

Avoid killing people not actively involved in a rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Oh and never kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the Hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you cap the Heroes loved ones, he'll make you pay.

Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free!

As tempting as it may be, NEVER try to ravish the Evil Overlord's Beautiful but Wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you and daddy will not try to stop her. He thinks it's funny.

Learn where the trap door is in the floor Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.

If you walk into the room and it had a plastic sheet on the floor let someone else go in first. If you have to be the one to go in first… run… you’re dead anyway and the Overlords other henchmen are usually bad shots.

Remember, if you must kill someone within the Evil Overlords castle try to do so on tile floor, or on a plastic sheet, the Evil Overlord hate to get blood soaked into his carpeting.

As soon as the Evil Overlord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available exit, because the shit is about to hit the fan.

You should learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually tall and somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and generally have a sense of humor. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip to the afterlife.

Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults/goading from the Hero or Sidekicks.

No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she doesn’t want to sleep with you.

If the heroes give you a chance to surrender or run, take it.

If you surrender to the Hero, never attack him when his back is turned; a Sidekick will always get you first.

If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite the fact that they are surrounded and outnumbered. Congratulations you have just encountered a Hero in disguise, run while you still can.

If the Hero you are sent after is dressed entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.

If the Hero you are sent after is dressed entirely in black and never says a word, run now, because someone is going to die tonight.

Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the Hero is winning.

When you have an enemy of the Evil Overlord at gunpoint and that person says, "you haven't got the guts to kill me," disprove their hypothesis.

If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "NO"

If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill the prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.

Never allow yourself to be turned into a malevolent, horrific beast in order to defeat the Hero. For it never works, and you girlfriend will NOT understand; she’s going dump you for a less horrific person.

Never allow the hero within eight feet of you, Anyone who fits the role the role of Hero can punch you faster than you can pull the trigger.

When disposing of bodies, dump them in a proper facility that resides Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control.

Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the REAL switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get destroyed anyway, but your chances of escaping are better.

Never let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal.

Never be the first one through a opening of any kind, remember, the first one through is always shot.

If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it necessary for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. You should change sides and take your just revenge at the first opportunity.

Unless you are calling for assistance, there is no need to yell when you are attacking the Hero. Especially when you're doing it from behind.

The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head.

Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed stone.

When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.

And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest him or her on the spot.

If your superior berates for arresting these people ask him if he has ever seen “Star War”. If not lone it to him, he just might make it a procedure.

When you are attacked by intruders, don’t fight quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.

When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the local environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly colored attire.

Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot AT the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt may look cool, but it won't stop the Hero.

Wearing armor under your dress uniform during any formal occasion is always a good idea, you never know when the hero is going to show up.

Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.

Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does.

Exercise care in the abuse of the Evil Overlords citizens. Most farm implements make effective weapons in the hands of farmers. Remember some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand combat. And it would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.

Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or rifle round, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after better armor.

Never go to the staff doctor, that vitamin/flu shot is most likely something that will turn you into some kind of horrific beast

Make sure that your headgear allows for a full field of vision.

Remember if the Hero and/or his comrades are purposefully being allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to "prevent" the escape.

If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the trauma team. Do not enter the cell to examine the prisoner yourself.

If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup and WAIT for them.

If your new unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys ALWAYS get taken out first when the Heroes attack.

When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.

If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off, this will inspire jealousy in those that you lead.

If you can’t resist the urge to gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.

If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.

While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your nerve, but why risk it?

Never wear gender-inappropriate or no underwear if swords are common. There is a chance the Hero will slice your belt, which will cause your pants to drop and expose you to mockery.

If you follow orders and fail, the Evil Overlord will claim he told you to do something different, and your body will be used a castle decoration. If you disobey orders and succeed anyway, the Evil Overlord will claim that what you did was his idea, and you will be commended. So do what works.

Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it.

Always have a scapegoat arranged in order to explain every failure.

Never, ever, accept responsibility for failure.

Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.

Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony.

If the penalty for not-to-specs victims is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

Avoid needless embarrassment/mutilation. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Remember flash cards are often helpful. Always use the utmost care and pronounce only one syllable at a time; some deities tend to pop up at every mention of their name, and they expect an acceptable sacrifice to be waiting for them.

Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.

Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

Avoid deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

Avoid all jewelry that exceeds ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, various supernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Also its jingling tends to warn the hero of your approach.

Your girlfriends scented candles should not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. Sweet smelling, Pastel colored candles are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.

Always keep a survival kit with you, and it should contain: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, white flag, and change.

Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworld creatures.

When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Head Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from any speaking parts in all ceremonies; the mispronunciation of a deity's name can have catastrophic effects.

Think ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.

If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.

When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.

When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

When performing ritual sacrifices, taking pieces home is generally considered "bad form."

Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV positive offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone that is currently living.

Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, instead try some B complex, and a good hot bath.

Never play strip Tarot. I can’t stress this enough, to many good henchmen have be lost to this wasteful practice.

Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature can stand against one who is true to his faith. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can sometimes be fooled by microwaving previously frozen chunks of ex-victim and cleverly moving it.

Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, politicians, and other people who won't be missed.

Copyright all your chants, so that you'll have a leg up when some fucking rock group plagiarizes them for their next “original” number one song.

Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.

Make a point of finding out about all of the families little secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.

Do not fall in love with the Hero.

If you do fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons, pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but that's demeaning.

If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man; this Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.

If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, politely turn him down, then cripple him. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.

If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, do not use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.

If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, carefully investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while, first). If the True Love returns the Hero's affection, give it up. Especially, do NOT try to eliminate the True Love by killing her, framing her, or subverting her. You'll either fail, be unmasked as the culprit, or both.

Do not wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that allow you to turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there is an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back.

Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.

Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.

If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, make sure you use them shamelessly.

If any of your siblings try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case the plot would certainly fail and you'll get caught), setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a VERY bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be unquestionably dull).

Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.

Rather than simply being an attractive stage prop, make sure that you know how to run the Evil Empire, that way if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly.

Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.

Make up your mind NOW whether you want to marry the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do NOT attempt the latter until you have given up on the former.

Daddy's Lieutenant works for Daddy. When he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.

Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord that would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who requests to see them.

Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activities that look fishy at a cursory glance, but at closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, and maybe bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit disheveled so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down.

Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in a thermite-packed cabinet so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed.

Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including any Plundered Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord.

Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.

When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, its back to business as usual, and your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's clutches, show him to where the fourth set of books are kept, and then when nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire.

Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure upon demand.

Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.