Season One: Subtext Style
Announcer:� Hello and welcome to the first annual Xena Roast and Toast!� Here are your hosts, Jack Johnson and Kitty Clark!
Two large red curtains open to reveal a stage, empty except for a large table which a man and woman are seated.� The table is cluttered with papers, a wooden chakram, several Callisto action figures, Maxim magazines, and bottles of nail polish in varying shades of pink.�
Announcer: I said, here are your hosts, Jack Johns...
Kitty: (with a faint New Jersey accent)�Yeah, Yeah.� We heard ya!
(She tosses away the Maxim she was leafing through and pokes Jack in the shoulder) Hey!� We're on!
Jack: (looks up from polishing his toenails and sees the audience)� (with a lisp) Oh my god!� (he knocks over the bottle sending strawberry scream #7 splashing all over the table) �Hello everyone.� I'm Jack and this is Kitty.� Welcome to the Xena Roa...(whispering to Kitty) I can't read this, it's got polish all over it.
Kitty:� Roach?� Roanoke?
Jack: Roar?� Roadrunner?
Kitty:� Oh well.� (she tosses the cue cards over her shoulder)� Well folks, there's been a change in plans.� Instead of the Xena...whatever, we're going to do a commentary on the women...
Jack:� And men...
Kitty: Of our favorite television series, Xena Warrior Princess!
(the crowd cheers wildly)
Jack: We'll begin obviously, at the beginning.
Kitty: In the episode Sins of the Past we are first introduced to those gorgeous, beautiful, luscious...(she has to stop because drool threatens to run down her chin)
Jack: What Kitty is trying to say is that our two favorite heroines Xena and Gabrielle meet up.� So, without further ado, may I present the Flawless one, Ms. Lucy Lawless!
(the crowd screams so loudly that the walls vibrate)
Kitty: (her eyes riveted on Lucy)� Yes, here she is straight, though I wish it were otherwise, from New Zealand.�
(Jack takes over because Kitty is starting to ooze out of her chair)
Jack: Welcome to New York, Ms. Lawless.� We're honored to have you in our presence.
Kitty: (fanning herself with a magazine)� You got that right.
Lucy: (with kiwi accent) Well, I'm glad I could make it.� I hope it's alright that I wore my Xena costume.
Jack: Of course, why wouldn't it be?
Lucy: Well, I got the strangest note.� It said to show up in nothing but a fig leaf.� I figured that wasn't an official request.� (she flashes a sexy grin making the audience swoon)
Jack: (with a pointed sideways glance at Kitty) �Well, I'm sure it was just from an over-excited fan.� I apologize.
Lucy: No problem.� It's not like I haven't shown off my...assets before.
(Kitty clutches a very ragged issue of Maxim to her chest)
Kitty: Damn straight.
Jack: (to Kitty)� Behave yourself.�
(Kitty pouts, but after another very severe look from Jack sits up straighter)
Kitty: (with her brightest grin) �Well Lucy, may I call you Lucy?� If you wouldn't mind, we'd like you to field some questions from the audience.
Lucy: Alright.� (she scans the room which now looks like a giant Nazi salute) How about you?
Degenerate Man: Well Ms. Lawless, I was just wondering if you and Renee had ever considered starting an escort service because I know a guy who knows this other guy....(he trails off as the whole audience boos and shoves him back into his seat)
Lucy: (is a little surprised at the question but recovers quickly) Well personally, I'd never considered it, but as for Renee, you'll have to ask her yourself.�
(Renee O'Conner enters stage right and goes to stand beside Lucy)
Renee: (Texas drawl) �Hey guys.
(the audience screams again)
Renee: The answer is no, absolutely not.� Let's just make a rule, no questions relating to sex.�
(part of the audience boos and Kitty joins in)
Lucy: Next question.� You.
HCNB: (gushing) Oh, I can't believe this, I'm talking to you, I love the show.....
(the audience groans)
HCNB: (collecting herself) Well, I was just wondering how far you two actually went during the kiss scene in Quest.
Lucy: I guess we've got a subtext crowd here tonight.
(the crowd cheers)
Renee: Well, what you saw on the screen wasn't the whole story.
(everyone leans forward)
Lucy: In fact, we made out for at least 20 minutes after that scene.
(the audience leans forward)
(Lucy and Renee exchange looks and then start to laugh)
Renee: No really, Lucy and I just don't feel that way about each other.�
Lucy: Yeah, it would be like kissing my sister.
(both stars wait for the inevitable "how do you know? Did you smooch your sis?"� and are surprised when it doesn't come.� In fact, the crowd is completely silent)
Jack: (frowning) Maybe you guys should go.� You just killed a thousand fantasies.� (brightly with a limp-wrist wave) Thanks for coming.� Bye now.
(Lucy and Renee exit after one last look at the zombie-like audience)
Jack: (snapping in front of Kitty's face) Hey Kitty!
(she doesn't respond) This calls for drastic measures.� Kitty look!� It's Hudson Leick wearing nothing but a cowboy hat!
(Kitty vaults out of her chair and stares wildly around the room)
Kitty: What?� Where?� Hey, don't tease me like that!
(the audience begins to recover)
Jack: Well guys, lets continue okay?� Also in the first episode we have the delicious Jay LaGa'ia as Draco. (the lights suddenly dim and Jack begins a slide show)� As you can see we have some nice definition.� (He goes through several shots of Draco shirtless)� And on this one you can see the arm muscles...(Kitty snatches away his slide control as his eyes begin to glaze over)
Kitty: All in all we give Draco a rating of 8 for having a nice body, good fighting skills...
Jack: A sense of humor, cute smile...
Kitty:(cutting him off) We'll take a quick break and be back soon.�
(the curtains close and the Xena theme begins to play)
Jack:� What was up with the note to Lucy?� A fig leaf?
Kitty:� It was worth a shot.� Besides, you were the one with the Draco slide show.� So, what do we do now?� We need some subtext.� Season one seems pretty dry.
Jack: Let's just gloss over until we get to the end and then there's...
Kitty: Altared States!� Callisto!
Jack: Greater Good!� Is there a Doctor!
Kitty and Jack: Subtext!
(the curtains open again and the hosts face the audience)
Kitty: Alright folks, we're back.� We've decided to give you a feast for the eyes.� It's the men and women of Xena eye candy show!
(the crowd cheers as various Joe LoDuca music begins to play.� The lights dim and spotlights begin to weave back and forth over a catwalk that stretches out into the audience.)
Jack: (in pageant announcer voice) �First off we have Sphearus, the strong and silent hunk from Chariots of War.� Look at the messy I-am-the-son-of-a-warlord hair.� Notice the shy smile and the lovely eyes.� He also receives the honor of being the first man to kiss Gabrielle on the show.
(as they talk, each character comes out and takes a walk down the catwalk, then returns to the wings of the stage)
Kitty: Next we have the God of War himself, Ares.� He first appears in Reckoning to try and tempt Xena back to her evil ways.� He introduces a thick layer of sexual tension and possibilities for future jealousy from Gabrielle.
(Kevin Smith emerges dressed in black leather and struts slowly down the catwlk, his arms crossed and an evil smirk on his face)
Jack: (staring at Kevin Smith yet managing to talk)
We'll gloss over the next few episodes with Gabrielle's boy toy collection.� Cute as buttons, these tasty treats pop up from time to time to flirt with Gabby and make Xena stew with secret jealousy.� Here they are!
(The priest boy from Titans, Talus from Death in Chains, and Homer from Athens City... all appear)
Kitty: Moving on, we have two men that appear to be trying to get between Xena and Gabrielle.� Petracles from Fistful of Dinars is up first.
(Petracles walks out, and blows a kiss to some women in the front row.� They just look at him unimpressed and start waving rainbow flags.� Deflated, he slouches back offstage)
Jack: This warlord was introduced by TPTB in my opinion to show that Xena is interested in men.� However, the two did not stay together...(he trails off with a satisfied grin and makes a note on the Pink Flamingo #21 polish- spattered pad in front of him)
Kitty: Then when Petry tries to move in on Gab we get some very cute and very fiesty protectiveness from Xena which the writers tried to disguise as jealousy.� But we all know the truth.
(the crowd cheers)
Jack: On to our next screwup in a nicely flowing river of subtext...Mortal Beloved!
(The crowd hisses and burns pictures of Marcus)
Kitty:� That's right, in the crusade to show that Xena is straight, TPTB went a bit too far and brought Marcus back as Xena's true love.� Gag me with a mixing spoon!
Jack: You said it girlfriend!� Xena and Marcus get all cute.� It grosses me out.� Since he's in Tartarus, he couldn't appear now, but I'm sure we won'tmiss him too bad.
Kitty: ��Yeah, and I hope he has to suffer through every single second of Xena and Gabrielle romancing each other for eternity!
(she would go on, but Jack cuts her off)
Jack: Enough of these unpleasant memories� Let's get on to the last few episodes of the season where Gabrielle and Xena get even closer!
(the crowd ,of course, cheers wildy)
Kitty: Next we have Altared States.� This episode starts out with some beautiful footage.� Gabrielle and Xena skinny-dipping!
(she has to stop and fan herself)
Jack: That's right, what a great start to an episode.� We get some even more interesting interaction when Gabrielle gets drugged by some overly enjoyable nutbread.� During her high flying adventure, we have one of the most interesting quotes of the season.
(he presses a button and we see a clip from Altared States)
(The video: Xena rushes in and picks Gabrielle off the floor.� Once Gabby comes to and is on her feet, she stares at Xena and falls right back down. G: "By the Gods!"  X:"What?"��� G:"You are beautiful!")
(the lights come back on to the sound of the cheering crowd)
Kitty: Yes, we do send a word of thanks out to TPTB for that very interesting quote.� Another notable appearance on this episode is Karl Urban as Mael.
(Karl appears with ear length hair and color coordinated robe and headband.)
(the crowd boos in reaction to his character but then cheers as he pulls off his shirt and twirls it above his head.)
Jack: Take it off!� Take it off!
(Kitty raps him on the head with a rainbow keychain as Karl exits.)
Kitty: Let's go on to another warm-the-subtext-lovers-heart episode...Greater Good!
Jack:� This ep puts Gabby in the leadership role as Xena battles the effects of poison.� She must decide whether she can go on without her warrior friend once the poison takes Xena's life.
Kitty: Or does it?  Well, we all know that Xena is only out temporarily, but it is nice to get to see the beautiful bard taking action.� And her goodbye to Xena brings a tear to the eye.
Jack:� And don't forget her temper tantrum with the staff and the tree.� That love runs deep if Gabrielle gets violent.� She goes on like this, even fighting her way into a warlord's camp and holding him at swordpoint in the interest of recovering Xena's body.
Kitty:That's why I like this episode.� It shows how loyal Gabrielle and Xena are to each other.� That and we get to see a sweaty Lucy Lawless in nothing but a skimpy shift.� Oh baby!� I'd hold up a warlord for that kind of body too.
Jack: (with a sideways look at Kitty)� Unfortunately for some of us, this episode had no tasty men.� We had to deal with looking at Salmoneus and Talmadeus.� Double disgusting!
Kitty: We're going to continue with one of my favorite all-time episodes....Callisto!
(Callisto's theme, Xena Volume 1 track 27 begins to play)
Jack:� In this episode we have more cutesy interaction.� Who can forget the campfire scene?
(the lights dim and a video clip of that interaction begings to play)
Jack: It brings a tear to my eye!� (sniffles)
Kitty: And of course, we have the introduction of the stunningly psychotic Callisto, played by Hudson Leick.
(the crowd cheers and whistles as Hudson comes out in her Callisto outfit and gives them a demented leer, then stands looking them all over, head cocked while twisting a strand of hair around one finger.� After another unbalanced smile she blows the audience a kiss and saunters away)
Kitty: (sighing)I can't decide whether to shiver or burst into flames.
Jack: Now we'll wrap up this ride with the last episode of the first season, Is There a Doctor.� In a way, we have the reverse of the situation Gabrielle faced in Greater Good.� What will the warrior princess do when Gabrielle dies?
Kitty:� What indeed?� Go out of control?� Start crying?� Actually, a combination of both.� This episode made even me cry, and we all know how hard that is.� When Gabrielle comes back from the dead, will the relationship be any different?
Jack:� Will we be revisited by old friends and enemies?
Kitty: Will we finally get to see some liplocking other than in the name of CPR?� Find out in...
Jack and Kitty: �Season Two!!
Jack: Providing we don't get sued for this presentation.
Kitty: Thanks folks!� It's been real.�
Jack: See you next season!
(the stage lights go out and the Xena theme begins playing)
Announcer:� This has been a presentation hosted by Jack Johnson and Kitty Clark.� We hope you'll join us next season for some more refreshing subtext slanted commentary.� Goodnight folks!
Disclaimer: No Xena fans were injured in the making of this story.  However, several Joxer fans were bopped on the head when they complained loudly about his absence in the convention.
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