August-19-03
i try and exsept the fact, i will never be loved. i can image though, i want to be loved, i want the pain to stop. and the throbing in my mind to quit. not no it shall never. i will remain in this state for as long as i live. if only she knew, if only she wasn't so far away. i would go to her, and help her in what ever she needs. knowing me i would screw it up. Ruby's right i do have a part to play. it's to be by Raven's side, in this war. if only this Ruby would tell me more, Essence is like that, tehy never tell things that are immportant, she wouldn't even tell me my mothers name. i wish i knew it. it would help a bit, sometimes i want to find her...and sometimes i'm glad she's gone.
August-20-03
I wish i knew what was happening, everyone is tense, and wont talk. Even April is tense, and she's never that way. they're not telling me anything. most likely it's me....i hope i can do something when this all blows over, but what.
August-21-03
The games will start soon, ever so often, all the shadow lord youth, get together. i shall not be going to this of course, for i will not show my true self to these people i have never seen before. i don't have the triditional coat of the shadow lords, i have a silver one. and my eyes their not yellow but gold, why couldn't i have been just someone who was normal. i would of even taken a mortal life over what i have seen...but then... what of Raven....
August-23-03
these past days have been boring, i've been manly at home, but sometimes i walk about. i wish i had something to do...or friends that would be nice....
August-29-03
my life is boring, everyone is nervouse around me...at least the humans aren't, well more then normal. i never understood it why do i always stick out of a crowd, even when i'm not doing anything. in school it was like this, i would get beaten up just for the hell of it. i never under stood it. but now i do. i'm different, and i should relize that, i should just leave America and go back to Ireland, at least i have friends thier and people who love me. but what of Raven. there's something about her, that draws me to her, i wish i knew what. maybe it;s the fact she's the only girl who hasn't taunted me for what i am. i have to find out.
August-31-03
i can't help but feel drained, though nothing really does faze me. i feel funny. i feel like i'm not going to live for much longer. how wierd that sounds, i feel nothing now in days but i do have feeling about things. and i know whats gonna happen, i just wise i could feel the soft hands of people again. i wish i could feel my cats fur but NO. it's just heat and cold thats all i can feel. to many things are wrong with me. when will it stop!
september-3-03
school shall be starting soon. i dont' want summer to end really, though i don't like the brightness. i was digging through some boxes in the attic today...i found my silver dagger, the one i used to slit my wrists. it's know in my room. April doesn't know about it. thank God, if she did she would tkae it away fearing i would do it again. i wont...for know. it's a reminder, that i once alsmot did it, i almost died...at my own hands.
november-24-03
i wish everything was normal, i wish i could be normal...but normal is not a word used for me. i wish Raven were closer, i wish i knew her better. it's nice seeing her though, it was great, i talked to her, but it was on bad times. i had killed, and she hugged me. it felt so...different, i had never been hugged by some one i cheerished like that. i wish she could of smiled, she lights up the world when she does. it's coming though something i can not stop, that will try and hurt her...i will protect her, and confert her....if i can. i am not good at most of those things, but i shall try, for i do love this girl. she is the only person who has ever looked at me...and does just see Wolff then werewolf, but Wolff the person, and not the thing. i love her so much, i hope i can tell her that someday. and maybe even kiss her...im to dramatic. god, i wish i coudl jsut be like any normal guy. then i could just tell her. but i can't.
Dec-8-03
This world is not cut out for me. i need to leave, why did i make that stupid bet with April. now i have to wait until summer before i can go back to Irelando for good. even though i still have schooling there i need to get done. i hope sometime Raven will come to Ireland with me, she would like it. a ren fair is going to go through there in the summer, i should take her. i can only hope that she says yes.