Disclaimer: SM is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Toei Animation, etc. DBZ belongs to whoever owns it, and the same for FY. Barbie is owned by some company, I'm sure Britney Spears's song is copy-righted by some company, oh, and the "Lamb Chops" ending theme too, and anything else I insult, is all in good fun! As for the others - Crazy Old Gretchen, Milo the two-legged dog, Bob the duck head, and "I" - are mine, and you may not use those characters! Warning: Contains general all-around stupidity, foul language(mostly insults, nothing too bad), annoyances getting fried, ect., so don't read if you don't like that stuff . . .and if you've come this far, I'm sure you aren't turning back now. _______________________________________________________ Part three: Crazy Old Gretchen, Gohan's twice-dead Great Grandmother, and Taiitsukun's Palace "Oh, hell," and I was right. Hell, indeed. It was dark - much like the place I'd just left - but there were fiery pits everywhere, and hiddeous, incessant screaming in the background. This was worse than the Negaverse! I felt a sob raise in my throat - I'd forgotten I still had the teleportation device, damn selective memory - and dropped to my knees. I didn't belong here! I was a good kid! Well . . .except for the time I sacrificed my sister's Barbie doll, broke that kid's nose, mutilated that parakeet . . .and that was it! Well, almost . . .but let's not get into that. I was wallowing in self-pity, when I saw this little kid walk by. Immediately, I was curious. Innocents don't go to hell! So, I followed him. Really, why was he here? For a little kid, he was adorable; I've known enough brats to be able to tell when a kid was one or not, and this one wasn't. His hair was black, and he had equally dark, wide eyes. He also seemed lost. Then again, so was I. Creeping around a corner, I saw him stop in front of an old, decaying figure. What the-? "Twice-dead Great Grandmother!" he chirrped. "But what are you doing here? Mommy said you went to heaven!" "Heaven? Ha! I came straight to hell!" The boy squeaked, and the figure frowned . . .if that was at all possible at this stage of decay. "Heck! I meant heck!" she corrected herself. "But why, Twice-dead Great Grandmother? Mommy said you were really nice and good." "Good at ruining people's lives, maybe . . .where does Chi-Chi get this stuff? Me, nice? It's absurd!" I should have done a disappearing act right then and there. Twice-dead Great Grandmothers? Little kids freely wandering hel- . . .I mean, heck? That was scary enough. But, no! I had to be stupid! I had to stick around and watch! "Besides, its much warmer down here. I bet its so dull just sitting around up there and doing nothing." "But its supposed to be so much nicer and-" "Oh, shut up! You think I haven't heard that before? Do you think I'm stupid?" "No, of course not, Twice-dead Great Grandmother." The kid paused, then glanced up at the falling apart figure. "Can I ask you something?" "Sure." "Why do they call you "Twice-dead", Great Grandmother?" "Are children so ignornant these days?" she grumbled angerily. "Its because I died twice! Really!" She went on grumbling to herself before telling him to, "Give that idiot mother of yours my regards, and be on your way." He nodded and started to leave, but then she called him back. "Oh, and tell my good friend, Crazy Old Gretchen, "hi" for me." He blinked. "Do you know where she's at? I've lost track." "Hmmm . . .by now she's most likely lounging in Taiitsukun's palace. Those two old bats have enough in common, and were pretty close last time I checked." It was at this time my brain kicked in, and reminded my of the device I held. My journalist instinct was to follow the lead and get the whole story. But, who was this Taiitsukun? I knew nothing of this person, or if they were the dangerous sort or not. "Have a good second afterlife, Twice-dead Great Grandmother!" the little boy chirped before flying off. Flying?! I looked at the device in my hand, and shook it angerily. "Take me to Taiitsukun's palace, damn you!" My finger slipped and hit one of the buttons, and I was off yet again. By some twist of fate - or prehaps some evil demon who wanted to see me suffer some more - I appeared in a fairly nice looking place. It, at least, appeared to be safe, unlike the others. I ducked into a room, and immediately hid when I realized it was occupied. A quick glance showed me that Crazy Old Gretchen was indeed here, sitting in her little old rocking chair, an evil grin plastered to her wrinkled face. "Ah, Gohan!" Looking up, I saw the little boy from before. So, that was his name! "Crazy Old Gretchen," the boy returned, his voice innocently respectful despite the insulting title. "What brings you here, my boy?" "I was visiting my Twice-dead Great Grandmother, and she told me to come and tell you 'hi' for her." "How nice of her to think of me. How is your Twice-dead Great Grandmother?" Gohan smiled a sweet smile that only little kids can muster. "Well, you know, the decaying has already set in. The skin's peeling and falling off her face-" "That's enough." Gohan continued, as if the interuption had never occured. "Her teeth are rotting and falling out. Her eye balls are hanging from their sockets-" "ENOUGH!!" He blinked at her in surprise. "But I thou-" "Just forget it!" She waved her cane with Bob the duck head on it at him threateningly, and the boy subsided. "Hmmm . . .speaking of forgetting things . . .MALACHITE!!" Almost instantly the white-haired ex-General appeared, bowing. "Yes, high and mighty Crazy Old Gretchen?" "Where's my tea?! I asked for it over two hours ago!" "Tea?" he asked blankly. "Yes, you idiot! My tea!" "Oh . . .um . . .I'll get you some right away." "Where have I heard that before?" Crazy Old Gretchen growled in distaste as he slank away. "Now, Gohan, how's everything?" "Well, it was fine until mom kinda went insane and tried to roast Oolong on a spit." "Yummy. Bacon." "Then she grabbed the ax and-" Malachite repeared holding a tea cup, and offered it to his mistress. "And what do you say, slave?" Crazy Old Gretchen demanded, snatching the tea cup from him. He stared at her blankly. "Idiot. Remember the speech I taught you?" He blinked. Crazy Old Gretchen sighed. "Never mind." She took a sip of the tea, and promptly spit it out. "You moron! I said sugar! Sugar! Go back and put sugar in it!!!" Malachite cringed, still looking confused. "I don't remember-" "Just do it!" He bowed, taking the cup from her again. As an after thought, her demonic little eyes narrowing, she added, "And skip all the way to the kitchen." Malachite began to skip, oblivious to the spilling tea. "And sing," Crazy Old Gretchen demanded with a low cackle, her grin widening as she heard an off-key "Mary Had a Little Lamb" being sung. Gohan frowned. "Not even dad's THAT dumb. Even Kami's turtle is smarter." "Yeah, I know, but isn't is funny?" Gohan shook his head. "No. It's kinda sad." Milo the two-legged dog appeared at that, hopping over to Gohan and barking happily. Finally, someone agreed with him! "Oh, shut up," Crazy Old Gretchen growled in distaste, silencing Milo the two-legged dog. "Well, Gohan, how about we play a game?" "A game?" Gohan chirrped. He liked games! Plus, he'd temporarily forgotten Crazy Old Gretchen's twisted sense of humor. "Uh-huh. It's called, "Name That Namek"." She grined as the boy puzzled out the name of the game. The only Nameks he knew were Dende, Kami, Nail, and- Suddenly, a bathtub appeared in the middle of the room, the shower curtain drawn, someone quite obviously inside. The water managed to stay on - despite the lack of pipes - so as to not immediately alert the occupent. Gohan blinked, realization dawning on him. "Crazy Old Gretchen? I don't want to play THIS game anymore." "Oh, come on now, boy! We haven't even seen out guest star yet!" She raised her hand to take care of the pesky shower curtain, Gohan whincing and closing his eyes - for his friend's sake, so he told himself. Malachite choose this moment to skip merrily into the room, bounding over to Crazy Old Gretchen with a smile on his face. "I did it right this time!" Crazy Old Gretchen glared at him sourly as she glanced at the sugar-filled cup. "I wanted TEA in my sugar," she growled in annoyance. "I'm beginning to wonder how Beryl ever managed with brain-dead idiots like you." She paused to consider. "Then again, she isn't much better . . ." "But you said "sugar"! I know you did!! "Yes, but I wanted it with tea! Now, listen up and listen good because I'm only giving you one more chance before I'm making you dress up as Ballerina Barbie and put on a cheap performance of Swan Lake!!" Malachite stared at her for a minute, thinking - if he was at all capable of thought. "That wouldn't be so bad . . .but what's a Barbie?" "Be grateful you don't know. It's horrors are far beyond those the Negaverse could have ever possibly thought up." Crazy Old Gretchen bowed her head in silence for all the children and parents alike that had fallen victim to the ruthless Butterfly Barbie. "Now then, get me my TEA with sugar in it!!" Malachite nodded again, then started to skip off. Then, Crazy Old Gretchen snapped out, "Did I say you could stop singing?!" and was pleased when he once again took up singing hokey nursery rhymes. "Okay, now," she continued, glancing at the still oblivious figure in the shower and then back to Gohan. "Where were we?" "You were just going to tell me about . . .Marietta!" Gohan thought quickly, knowing it to be a story she couldn't resist telling. "Marietta? I was? Oh . . .I guess." She blinked, shrugging slightly. She could have sworn it was something else . . . "Did I ever tell you that Marietta was destroyed by a little nothing freak accident, and only two weeks had passed before everyone forgot it even existed?" "Oh no, Crazy Old Gretchen," Gohan lied. He figured it was for a good cause, though. He really didn't want to learn about Namek anatomy. Background noise interuppted whatever Crazy Old Gretchen might have said, and an annoyingly chipper voice clearly squeaked, "I can heal you, too!" "That's okay, little girl. I didn't even get hurt," a soft, soothing voice answered. "I can fix your perversion!" it chirrped back, followed by a scream and a loud crash. Gohan frowned. Taiitsukun rarely had company, so- "Taiitsukun's face needs healing!" "Uh-huh!" More screams followed. Crazy Old Gretchen shook her head. "The Nyan Nyan's will never learn." "Nyan Nyan's?" "Oh, yes! Now I remember! The game!" Gohan cringed. He had hoped she wouldn't. Silently, he sank to the floor as he heard the sound that could only be a disappearing shower curtain, followed by a low growl that could only be from one Namek. Eyes closed tightly, he curled into a small ball and tried to be invisible. "And I always thought Namek's weren't compatable with humans! I was wrong." Crazy Old Gretchen cackled, ignoring the little boy who was trying not to think about what that meant. Malachite choose that untimely moment to enter skipping and singing. He froze just inside the doorway, the tea cup slipping from his hands and almost colliding with the floor before Crazy Old Gretchen's power caught it. Eyes wide, Malachite started to turn away. "And where do you think your going" "Tea . . .more tea . . ."Malachite murmered, not realizing the tea cup hadn't been shattered. "Oh, that's not necissary. Stay." Malachite shook his head. "I don't want to." "What's wrong? You don't like Nameks?" "There are just somethings I'd rather not see." Crazy Old Gretchen frowned. "What about Zoisite?" "What about her?" "Oh, yeah. Dic. How could I forget?" She glared around the room, daring someone to say something about her slip. Surprisingly, a little blue-haired girl appeared in the doorway and yipped, "Crazy Old Gretchen's head need fixed!" Immediately, the annoyance was vaporized. Gohan, stilled huddled in the corner kept telling himself, "Just don't look up. No matter who was just fried, just don't look up." Silently, he added, "Poor Piccolo." "Malachite, I don't remember saying you could stop singing! SING!" Having run out of nursery rhymes to sing, Malachite was temporarily at a loss. Then he remember a show he'd once seen on a TV in the human's dimention. It had been extremely well-made and highly intelligent. So, he started to sing its ending theme. "This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend. Some-" "Stop!" "-people-" "Not that song!" "-started-" "No more!" "-singing it-" "Stop, damn you!" Crazy Gretchen howled. "-not knowing what it was. And they'll continue singing it FOREVER just because this is the song that doesn't end! Yes, it-" With a vengeful shriek, Crazy Old Gretchen blasted him backwards, hissing in relief when he stopped. "But I can't stop! Because," and once again he broke into song, "It's the song that doesn't end! Yes-" "I order you, sing something else!!!!" Malachite blinked. "'Kay!" he chrrped, happily. Too happily. "What are you planning?" Crazy Old Gretchen growled in warning. "If it's-" "'My loneliness is killing me.'" "NOOO!! Not Britney Spears!!" Then, suddenly, Piccolo joined in the song and was, oddly enough, clothed in a frilly pink outfit and killer high heels. And, of course, once Piccolo joined in, Gohan was not far behind, adding his voice to theirs. He also just happened to be wearing a little white dress he'd gotten from God-only-knew where. He and the others didn't seem to notice Crazy Old Gretchen screaming obsentities at them and trying to hit them with Bob the duck head while covering her ears at the same time. Needless to say, it wasn't working. Just when Crazy Old Gretchen thought it couldn't get any worse, five little blue-haired girls skipped in. Crazy Old Gretchen's eyes widened in terror. "NO! Evil Nyan Nyan's, don't you dare!!" The little girls smiled sweetly. "We can't heal you! We can't heal the Nyan Nyan you killed, either! BUT, we CAN annoy the hell out of you!" Then, in their squeaky off-pitch voices, they too, joined the song. Merrily they bounced up and down to the music, artfully avoiding Bob the duck head. "Noooo! Stop! I can't stand it! Stop!!!!" Finally, the song ended, and Crazy Old Gretchen sighed heavily in relief. But, no sooner had she done that when they all started in on "The song that doesn't end". Their outfits, now having changed into hot pick spandex, the group began a congo-line, circling around Crazy Old Gretchen's hovering rocking chair. Occationally, the Nyan Nyan's hopped up and down, to further annoy the poor figure screaming in the rocking chair. Milo the two-legged dog, sitting in a remote corner, smiled as he lowered his head to his pars. For now, at least, Crazy Old Gretchen couldn't yell at him. And, for once, she was getting what she deserved. I trembled behind my hiding place. Nameks and Nyan Nyans, and spandex, oh my! My little mind couldn't cope! I had to get out of here . . .but how?! Again, the teleportion device was lost to my overtaxed brain. I closed my eyes tightly and clicked the heels of my boots together three times, whispering, "There's no place like hell. There's no place like hell. There's no place like hell." Any place, even hell, was better than THIS!! When I opened my eyes I found I was no longer in Taiitsukun's palace. In fact, I wasn't even in hell. "Oh shit," I moaned after a quick glance around. "What next?" ______________________________________________________ E-mail me at [email protected]! I can't promise I'll respond immediately, but I will try! ^_^ |