| Pick Up Lines and Quotes |
| Here are some really funny pick up lines and comebacks!! Guys, a heads up, if you hear these, steer clear. 1) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before? Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. 2) Male: Is this seat empty? Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down. 3) Male: Your place or mine? Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine. 4) Male: So, what do you do for a living. Female: I'm a female impersonator. 5) Male: Hey baby, what's your sign? Female: DO NOT ENTER. 6) Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Female: Unfertilized. 7) Male: Your body's like a temple Female: Sorry, there are no services today. 8) Male: I would go to the end of the world for you. Female: But would you please stay there? 9) Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy. Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. |
| Here are some interesting quotes to chew on... I did not want love from a young boy. I like men my own age. Hah, I mean I like women. What did I say? Oh god, I love titties. My Reality Check bounced. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."- Spike Milligan. "I would like to live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were ever supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest "You can't just let nature run wild."- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska "My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."- President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on "I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."- George Bush "There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting. - Mark Twain "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands, and all you can do is scratch it!" - Thomas Beecham "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." Dick Wilson Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.- Matt Groening "You mean you'll put down your rock, and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?" - Cary Elwes "God has a hard-on for Marines. Because we kill everything we see." - Sgt. Hartman "I've got no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments." - Michael Palin "You don't have bad luck. The reason that bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass." - Red from "That 70's Show" "What're you gonna put on your resume? Dumbass?" - Red from "That 70's Show Guns don't kill people, the government does - Dale From King of The Hill Nobody ever won a war by dying for his country, he won it by making the other poor bastard die for his. - General George S. Patton Jr Enjoy your time now because soon the midgets will take over. - John Riccobono |
| Women's Advice (What Men Ought To Know...) 1) The reason why our bras don't always match our under wear is because WE actually change our underwear. 2) The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl. 3) If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday. 4) Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie. 5) Don't fret if you find out that the milkman delivers more than once a day. 6) No, we're not impressed with your car...it takes no special skills to make car payments each month. 7) Please don't drive when you're not driving. 8) Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime...Thank-you. 9) Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take. 10) If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed. 11) We don't care if you hold the remote...unlike you however, we don't enjoy watching 117 different programs in 5 minutes. 12) The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts. 13) If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"? 14) Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: We don't care. 15) When you're not around, I belch loudly, too. 16) Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life... you'll never see the 'island' coming. 17) We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance... in fact, PLEASE DO! 18) Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist. 19) Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that y chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed. 20) When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours"...the torn jeans and dirty t-shirts will last longer that way. 21) If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive versus a negative grunt. 22) Don't insist that we "get off the damn phone" and then not talk to us...WHAT'S THE POINT?!?! 23) Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level. 24) Your balding is a good thing... it subsidizes our hair care expenses. 25) Some women actually know more about a car and the mechanics involved than you do. 26) Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway. 27) Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook? 28) We go to the ladies room in groups to talk about you. 29) Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss for one. 30) Just Face It...You Need Me More Than I Need You. |
| ARIZONA DRIVERS An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the backseat by mistake." FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." SUPER-SEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec-room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them. NURSING HOMES With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, there is a better way when we get old & feeble. I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65.00...that leaves $123.00 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap. Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner. There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that's OK, it takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafe's there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to Sue. What more can you ask for? As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts. So: When I reach the Golden age, help me keep my grin Just check my old rickety ass into the nearest Holiday Inn! |