The first paragraph by Rebecca: At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomila, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. Be she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her ashtma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Second paragraph by Gary: Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack sqauadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed ashtmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation17," he said into his transgalactic communicator, "Polar orbit established. No sigh of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
Rebecca: He bumped his head and died almost instantly but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unfurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she ponders wistfullly...
Gary: Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles about the city, the Anu-udrain mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrain ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missiles entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conferance table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
Rebecca: This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
Gary: Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalanet of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F#$%@# TEA???? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
Rebecca: Asshole.
Gary: Bitch.
Rebecca: DICK!
Gary: Slut.
Rebecca: Get F%$%#$d,
Gary: You wish; eat sh*t.
Rebecca: F&*% YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
Gary: Go drink some tea - whore.
Teacher: A+ - I really liked this one.
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1. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technicalogical psychics.
2. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.
3. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced, "Help, the Internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.
4. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that there is about comptuers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 3. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.
5. DO NOT (in addition to 4) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're completely lost and leave the techno bullsh*t to us.
6. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be "computer" or "broken" doesn't absolve you of the offense.
7. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house planet.
8. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call use. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For goodness sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some.
9. DO NOT tell us that this just happened on its own, as if your computer suddenly was inspired to break for no reason. Simly admit what you did to cause this, so we can help you fix it that much faster. Trying to salvage your pride will only make it worse, because we will find out what you did anyway, and then we will REALLY be annoyed at you for wasting our time.
10. DO NOT expect us to educate you in the most simple aspects of using a computer. If you can't figure out the difference between a right-click and a double-click, then you really shouldn't be using one in the first place. If you insist on doing so anyway, then take a class. Or you can pay us $35 an hour to teach you, because we won't do it for free.
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed.
3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.
4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
7. This young lady has delusions of adaquacy.
8. He sets low personal standards and then consistantly fails to achieve them.
9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
11. Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
12. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
13. He does not have ulcers, but he is a carrier.
14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
15. He has been working with glue too much.
16. He would argue with a signpost.
17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
19. If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.
20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.
24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
31. Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
December 9: We woe to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidwalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointmen. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a while Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to 20 degrees. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughted for an hour, which I think is very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white sh*t fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed agaion, I was too tired to shovel. Trid to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6 inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin' snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9 inches predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling!
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little while pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?