I keep thinking I�m about to wake up. Do you ever get that feeling in dreams when you know it�s all about to end? When you suddenly realize that there�s something else besides the world where you are, and all you have to do is open your eyes.
Wake up.
Come on just wake up.
Jesus Christ what have I done? Please wake up.
And just then I could feel it� that there was something else, and all I had to do was� was� it was like I was dreaming, but I couldn�t open my eyes, couldn�t wake up. And then I realized I didn�t need to open them, I could see. I was looking at my mother. She was sitting at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette. Her hands were shaking and her eyes were red from crying. I sat down across from her. She didn�t look at me.
�Look,� she says �I� I didn�t mean to do it.� She looks up at the ceiling and lets out a shuddering sigh. �Christ, how could I have meant to do it? Oh God� What am I supposed to do?� she stops talking and takes another draw from the cigarette her hands can�t hold steady. Mom never smokes unless she�s really upset. I wonder if it was something I did. No, she would tell me if it were something I had done. I want to tell her that whatever�s wrong it will be okay, but she�s ignoring me.
We just sit there and after a while she gets up and goes to her bedroom, I watch her go and she doesn�t say anything to me. She just walks away and shuts the door. She�s supposed to look at me and say �Go to bed now honey.� and then she�ll bring me a glass of water and kiss me goodnight. I think that I must have done something wrong but mom didn�t seem mad at me. I feel sad that she�s so upset. So I go climb the stairs to my secret place in the attic, my castle built from boxes full of treasures. And I curl up with my baby blanket mom took away and put in a box when I was five, she said I had to learn to sleep without it. I keep it hidden here where I can curl up with it when I�m sad or lonely. I don�t sleep. I know this because I don�t dream. When I see light through the attic window I go downstairs. Mom�s not in the kitchen. She�s not in her room either. I try to call out to her. The car isn�t in the driveway. She must have gone to work.
Nothing seems right� maybe I feel asleep and this is all a dream. Shouldn�t I be waking soon? It�s night and then day again. Someone knocks on the door. I�m not supposed to answer the door when I�m home alone, whoever it was went away. Then it�s night, then day and someone is knocking again. They�re saying something, but I�m not really listening, and then the door is open and they walk in, it�s a policeman with shiny shoes. He doesn�t pay any attention to me, but looks in all the rooms. When he comes out of mine he leaves again. I haven�t been in my room since... since the night mom was so upset. The policeman comes back later and I hear the sirens. An ambulance is coming. I followed mom to the kitchen the night she was upset� I remember now� she was standing over my bed. I was dreaming but I was almost ready to wake up, I could feel her looking at me� and then� then� mom? I couldn�t see anything. I was trying to open my eyes� then I see mom and she�s crying. She leaves my room and I just lay there in bed for a while. Then I followed her to the kitchen.
What happened? Why did she leave me? I take a step toward my room, then another and another. It seems like forever until I�m standing in the doorway�looking at my bed� and then I felt it� that there was something else, and all I had to do was� was� wake up.