Part 71
However, it was getting really late by the time they approached New York. The pioneers opted to rent a cheap hotel room and finish the trip in the morning. Somehow, they all managed to cram into a Motel 8 room... On to Part 72! (not written yet) Back to silverchair stuff
"I'm bored..." KelNino blew a spit bubble as she lay in bed late Sunday night.
"Shut up!" Heath chucked his pillow at her...and missed.
"But I am!" Kelnino whined. "Someone tell me a bedtime story!"
"Seriously, Kelnino, shut the hell up..." Robin rolled over and put the pillow over his head.
"Pull-eeeeaze?"
"Will someone tell her a story already?" dreamer moaned. "Daniel, will you tell KelNino a story?"
"Do I have to?" Daniel wiped the grime from his eyes. "It's bloody late-"
"Just tell her a story!" dreamer snapped.
Kelnino listened anxiously as Daniel began..."Once upon a time there was a hippo. This hippo was a pygmy hippo, named Boba Fett. He often did my tax reports and such, he was a good hippo. However, one day, this hippo evolved into a creature called a flippa. A flippa is a purple spotted hippo that has wings and can fly through the air. Well, my pygmy hippo Boba Fett flew away forever. The end. Oh, and now I need help with my taxes. Hey Kearbear!"
"What now?" Kearbear asked sounding aggravated.
"Will you please help me with my taxes?" Daniel pleaded.
"Oh, fine," she replied as she pulled out her calculator which she just happened to have in her pocket.
"No, Kearbear, allow me..." KelNino pulled out her own calculator, a TI-83 Plus Silver Edition. She held it up to let the moonlight reflect off its luxurious, silver monitor and glittering transparent casing. "Ta-dah!"
"Oooohh....Aaaah..." Kearbear drooled over KelNino's fabulous calculator.
"Indeed, Kearbear. This greased machine has massive memory space and all sorts of awesome features..."
"Wow! Like what?!" Kearbear screamed in glee.
"Well..." Kelnino rubbed her chin. "For one, it can..."
Just as she was about to explain the calculator (which Angie also has...school requirement), Daniel jumped down and swiped it.
"Daniel! Give me back my calculator!" Daniel jumped up like a monkey and hid in the corner playing with the shiny object. Angie turned out the lights because she was tired. Daniel, not caring, suddenly cooed, "Ooooh, what does this button do?" The calculator began to make weird beeping noises (which everyone knows even fancy calculators do not usually do), and in a flash of white light, everything disappeared. The pioneers found themselves back in the TRL studio.
"Looks like we found a new toy," Daniel quipped.
"Does that mean we don't need dreamer's shoes to get us places anymore?" Ben inquired. "Because if we don't..." He winked at dreamer.
"No, Ben, you can't keep them," she snickered. "They're part of my look."
"The flat's only a few blocks away - do we go home or crash here?" Angie asked, since she was getting more tired than ever. They decided that where they slept didn't matter - they just needed to get Daniel to sleep!
"Well, yeah...maybe we SHOULD put Daniel to sleep..." Kelnino grinned evilly, "THE BIG SLEEP."
"KelNino..." Kearbear tapped KelNino on the shoulder. "Dude, the vet is closed on Sundays around here."
"Aw, s**t!" Kelnino snapped her fingers in annoyance. "Tomorrow I guess..."
Just as Daniel was giving a sigh of relief, there was a huge CRASH and suddenly the underworld opened up with a giant bloom of smoke and from the earth rose a pale-skinned woman dressed in a black cloak!
"I, Adalita, have come to take your beloved Daniel Johns to live with me from here after!" Daniel fainted and she scooped him up.
"Hey wait!" dreamer called out. "Daniel's curfew is 10 o'clock, all right?"
"Ah, hell, dreamer!" KelNino smacked her arm playfully. "Daniel's a big boy now..."
"All right, all right. 10:30, BUT NO LATER!" dreamer pointed at Adalita.
"No problem." Adalita saluted dreamer. "Hey, you guys like my dress?" She pulled back her cloak to reveal her midnight blue prom dress.
"You're going out to prom? Oh how sweet!" Ada the Chosen One crooned. "Oh dear! Daniel didn't get you a little flower thingie! Oh! And I don't think he has money to pay for dinner or anything...oh, you guys could do McDonald's or something...oh dear me!" Ada began to cry.
"Oh, don't worry, little Ada. Adalita is loaded. I mean, for pity's sake, she arrived in a Ferrari." KelNino pointed to the red Ferrari that Adalita had driven out of the bowels of the Earth.
"Smooth ride, eh?" Adalita patted the hood of her slick vehicle. "No, no financial difficulties here. Hey, you guys wanna go for a ride?"
"Do we?!" The Bathroom Pioneers shouted in unison.
"Of course!!!" Kelnino shouted. "Why wouldn't we?!"
Just then, Kearbear began a song. "Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our goodbyes. Here she lies, no one knew her worth, the late great daughter of mother earth. And in this night we celebrate the birth. In that little town of Bethlehem, we raise our glass, you bet your ass, to la Vie Boheme."
"What the hell is she talking about?" "What..?" "I think she's lost it..." "I thought she lost it a long time ago!" <---- these were the whispers as Kearbear took a breath before continuing.
"To days of inspiration, playing hooky, making something out of nothing, the need to express - to communicate. To going against the grain, going insane, going mad!" Kearbear broke out into full song and dance! "To loving tension, no pension to more than one dimension, to starving for attention hating convention hating pretension. Not to mention, of course, hating dear old mom and dad. To riding your bike midda past the three piece suits, to fruits! to no absolutes, to absolut, to choice to the village voice, to any passing fad! To being an *us* for once, instead of a them -- La vie boheme!"
"Yeah...you have fun with that, Kearbear..." Kelnino said as she ushered the other pioneers away.
Kearbear quickly grabbed them all back and ran up to a stage. She beckoned a couple pioneers forward. dreamer and Robin rushed up to join her.
dreamer began, "To handcrafted beers made in local breweries! To yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese! To leather, to dildos, to curry vindaloo, to huevos rancheros, and Maya Angelou!"
Robin soon joined in. "Emotion, devotion, to causing a commotion! Creation, vacation, MUCHO MASTURBATION! Compassion, to fashion, to passion - when it's new! To Sontag! To Sondheim!"
"To anything taboo!" Kearbear added.
"Ginsberg, Dylan, Cunningham, and Cage!"
"Lenny Bruce!"
"Langston Hughes!"
"To the stage! To UTA!"
"To Buddha!"
"Pablo Neruda, too!"
"Why Dorothy and Toto went over the rainbow to blow off Auntie Em!"
"La Vie Boheme!"
"Bisexuals, trisexuals, homo sapiens, carcinogens, hallucinogens, men, Pee Wee Herman. German wine, turpentine, Gertrude Stein, Antonioni, Bertolucci, Kurosawa, Camina, Burana!"
"To apathy, to entropy, to empathy, ecstasy, valclac havel, the sex pistols, 8BC. To no shame never playing the fame game!"
"TO MARIJUANA!"
"Okay guys, I'm quite done now. But that was fun!" Kearbear shouted over her shoulder as she pranced off...
But KelNino continued to sing anyway.
"Um, yo- KelNino, we're done now." Kearbear poked KelNino, who had broken into a different song...
"Follow me into the Desert, as thirsty as you are. Crack a smile and cut your mouth and drown in alcohol..." KelNino sang at the top of her lungs.
"Uh oh..." dreamer attempted to shake KelNino out of the trance, but was ripped away from the young blonde when the stage rose beneath her. dreamer was left dazed on the ground, but even in her confusion she could not ignore the rising intensity of Kim Thayil's melodious magicical guitar. "Oh s**tmonkeys..." dreamer groaned, but no one heard her. A huge crowd of Soundgarden fans (where did *they* come from?!) had poured into the area around the stage.
"Cuz down below the truth is lying beneath the riverbed, so quench yourself and drink the water that flows below her head..."
"DREAMER!" The bathroom pioneers spotted dreamer on the ground and pushed through the crowd to help her up.
"What's going on here?!" Adalita screamed at the group over the pulse-pounding rock, "What happened?!"
Kearbear grabbed Adalita and yelled into her ear, "KelNino has this awful habit of turning into rock stars whenever you get her singing!"
"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Adalita shouted back.
"KelNino turned into Chris Cornell!" dreamer screamed. Now Adalita was even more confused, but as she looked up at the stage, she realized that it was true. KelNino had magically turned into Soundgarden legend, Chris Cornell. Awesome.
Adalita realized Daniel, still slumped over in her arms, was coming to. "Arrgh...hey, is that Soundgarden?" He perked right up and stared in wonder at the stage.
"Don't get so excited, Daniel," dreamer deadpanned. "It's only Kelnino. Who knows where Kim Thayil came from. The point is it isn't Soundgarden."
"Close enough!" Daniel grinned and wriggled closer to the stage. Ben was already there, enjoying a beer...
"SO BEN!" Daniel screamed at his bandmate. "DOES THIS MEAN SOUNDGARDEN IS BACK TOGETHER?!"
"BEATS ME, MATE!" Ben yelled back.
"WELL, IS CHRIS CORNELL STILL MARRIED TO THAT BITCH OF A MANAGER HE'S GOT?!"
Ben raised an eyebrow in confusion. "WHY DO YOU ASK?"
Daniel shrugged. "HE JUST SEEMS TO HAVE GOTTEN SEXIER WITH HIS AGE!"
Ben was about to slap Daniel, when all of a sudden...
"Yeah, we all know Daniel has a thing for male rock stars...he has, after all, got no soul," Adalita said coyly.
"What do you mean no soul?!" dreamer asked.
"Ah, he sold it to me way back in 1994 to become one of Australia's biggest rock stars. As the contract states...until the tenth year of silverchair I, Adalita (the devil), own Daniel Johns' soul." Adalita added a evil cackle to her lovely monologue, interrupted by Robin putting one of his precious bananas into her big mouth.
"You shut up, you bloody bitch!" Robin puffed out his wimpy chest. "Daniel is mine. You don't have any claims on Daniel!"
Adalita pulled out a piece of paper. "But-"
Robin snatched the paper. "This is what I think of your contract!" He tore the paper right down the middle. Adalita screamed in horror.
"You idiot!" She grabbed the papers back and tried to piece them together. "That was my high school diploma!"
"Ohhh...well, what the bloody hell did you pull it out for?" Robin said crossly.
"Because I wanted to show you that I'm an *educated* slave-driver, and I'd take good care of Daniel! Waaaah..." Adalita broke into tears. Robin immediately felt bad. Adalita had meant well after all, even if she is Satan. To make up for his blunder, Robin decided to....
(not finished yet)