Part 58
"Are you on crack?" Daniel asked him. "I'm no lady, and I'm in an international rock band!" Back to silverchair stuff
"Oh...uh..." Lou stammered, turning beet red.
"But there is someone I'd like you to meet," Daniel added quickly. "See that babe in the purple shoes?"
"The one working the vampy angle?" Lou asked.
"That's the one. She's the hottest girl I've met" - Daniel gave Sweep an apologetic look - "and she's got a good voice and plays a few instruments. Plus she's got an amazing personality."
"Hmmmm..." The wheels in Lou's head began turning. Sure, she was no Britney, but she had a very interesting look, and with so many goth and punk kids trashing both Marilyn Manson and so many of his not-really-musical pop proteges, she just might be able to bridge the gap between the two. This raven-haired college girl could easily be marketed to the alternative crowd. "All right. Let's see how she does onstage."
The music came on...but dreamer had changed her mind. She couldn't go through with it. She hated pop with a passion, and there was no way she was going to sing anything so blatantly antifeminist. No, she had requested that the song be changed to "Vow" by Garbage - hey, space-age pop is kind of like pop, you know.
"I can't use what I can't abuse," she half-purred to the crowd, pouting her shiny red lips, "and I can't stop when it comes to you." Then, she came alive, cavorting all over the stage (and even off the stage, stalking about the floor) in those high heels and tight dark-denim jeans, mercilessly teasing audience members (mostly straight males who had clearly been dragged there by girlfriends), while belting out "You burned me out but I'm back at your door, like Joan of Arc coming back for more, I nearly died, I nearly died. I came to cut you up, I came to cut you down, I came around to tear your little world apart...and break your soul apart..."
The pioneers didn't know what to make of dreamer's performance. They knew she could sing, but they didn't know she could be such a captivating entertainer, so they just stood at the back of the stage, chiming in at just the right times.
When the song ended, the audience went wild. (In Orlando, they say you could hear the cheers and applause six blocks away.) Lou was convinced. This dreamer girl just *had* to be part of his evil empire. As she handed the microphone to the next person and walked offstage, Lou stopped her. "How would you like to be a star, miss?"
dreamer gave the other pioneers an I-told-you-so look, and said, "I'm listening."
He handed her a business card. "Come to this recording studio tomorrow at 9 am, okay? I'd like to get your voice on tape."
"Do you mind if I bring a few friends along for moral support?" she asked.
"I suppose that's fine, as long as they keep quiet," he concluded.
"Great," she replied. "I'll be there."
The pioneers cheered in victory after Lou walked out the door. "Okay, shut up now. So, what do we do until then?" KelNino asked.
"Well..." Robin thought. "We could..."
"Show up as usual and record," finished Angie.
"What?" dreamer asked in surprise. "I'm not really going to make a record with him!"
"You could make it, just don't make what he wants...if you can waste his time, we can get him surrounded and kill him - wait, I'm not making sense again...ignore that..." Angie mumbled.
Then KelNino had an idea. "Why don't we pretend like we thought he said 9:00 tonight instead of 9:00 tomorrow night!" KelNino proclaimed.
"KelNino, it's a quarter to ten already," dreamer pointed out.
"Oh...well, we could apologize for being late?"
"Well, okay. It's better than waiting around for a whole day. Let's get in that studio and take Lou's empire down!"
"Yeah!" the pioneers cheered in unison. They all put on black suits and crammed onto a bus and ended up at the studio. Sure enough, Lou was putting in late-night recording time with Nsync *and* LFO.
"Oh, goodie," Robin whispered. "We can take out Lou *and* two of his worst creations at the same time."
"Hey!" Lou waved as he saw dreamer and her rather large group of friends. "I thought I said tomorrow night."
"Oh - " Kelnino pretended to stutter. "We thought you said tonight. Gee whiz, I guess we're not late after all."
"Well, I suppose we could put together a few demos, Ms. dreamer." At this point, LFO and Nsync had walked into the room to take a look at Lou's new project popstar. Lou continued talking as his evil singers gathered round him "You realize we'll have to change your name...maybe something like 'Dirty Dreamer' or 'Dreamgirl'-"
"Shut up, fatso!" KelNino and the pioneers each pulled out semi-automatics. Lou's eyes bugged out in fright. In the black suits and big guns, the bathroom pioneers looked like some sort of anti-pop New York mafia. KelNino put a cigar in her mouth and muttered. "Yo, Rockstar. Wanna lock dos doors?"
"Sho thing, Don KelNino." Rockstar shoved Justin Timberlake away from the door at gunpoint and threw the lock.
dreamer stepped forward wearing big black sunglasses. She took the emergency off her gun and calmly pointed it at Lou. "So Mr. Pearlman. We meet at last. If you haven't figured it out already, we're here to take out you and your pop toadies. Why, you ask? Because people like you are ruining the future of music, ruining all substance that it once held. You're all scum, Mr. Pearlman, so you must perish."
"No! Please! Take LFO! No one listens to them anyway! And for god's sake, kill Justin! Here - have him!" He shoved Justin in front of himself and cowered behind the dollface. He was trembling terribly. "Just don't hurt me!"
"Choose your death, Mr. Pearlman," Scars proposed.
"Well..." Lou rasped in fright. "If I have to die, then I'd like something painless and-"
"Oh shut up!" KelNino roared. "This is pitiful. I know exactly how to kill the swine! How about we strap him and his little proteges into chairs and force them to listen to Lydia Lunch until their heads explode?"
"Perfect!" Daniel laughed. The pioneers began to tie up their prisoners.
"Who's Lydia Lunch?" Robin asked.
"Lydia Lunch is a singer, author, poet, and all-around artist," Heath explained.
"That's it? Big deal, so's that Canadian Sarah McLachlan." Robin rolled his eyes.
"But wait...there's more," dreamer grinned. "Sarah is nice and easy to get along with. Lydia is cynical and doesn't take any bull. She got her start in the hardcore-punk movement before going on to indie-type gothic. And she's not so much popular as she is notorious."
"Like that Courtney Love you won't let us insult in front of you anymore?" Robin deadpanned.
"Yes and no. Courtney has sold millions of records but is always going to be a scapegoat for some people who can't accept the obvious. Lydia, however, doesn't have too many fans becauses people are afraid of her. Literally. Courtney's got one of her books but is still afraid to open it. That's how tough she is," dreamer elaborated.
"So what does that have to do with these pop-makers?" Junta indicated Lou and the boy bands, who were now tied up and gagged.
"I've given you a good enough idea of what Lydia is like in person. You can guess how frightening her music is going to be for someone who has never listened to good music," she grinned. The pioneers nodded in agreement.
"Wait!" Lou had somehow managed to get the gag off. "Let's make a deal!"
"I don't know, Lou," rockstar told him. "You inflicted horrible teen pop on the world and brought it back with a vengeance, forcing good alternative music almost completely out of the picture. I don't know if it's so forgivable..."
Amazingly, Chris spoke up. "I've got an idea." The pioneers huddled around to listen. "We all want good rock to come back, right? We're going to need a new rock star to get everyone all excited like Nirvana did so they can steal the pop spotlight before anyone catches what's going on."
"Good thinking, mate," Ben mused. "But what do we do?"
"Simple. We get rid of the pop boys but hang on to Lou for a while. We'll keep him confined, of course. With his money and contacts, we really could make dreamer the new sensation."
"But why - couldn't you guys just go on tour again?" Junta asked sensibly.
"You forget that a lot of people don't take us too seriously," Daniel reminded her.
"Good point," Junta conceded.
"What do you say, dreamer? You want to keep that scummy Lou alive long enough to resurrect alternative rock?"
dreamer was lost in thought for a minute before grinning and saying, "If it'll save music, I'll do it!"
"Wow, that's kickass!" KelNino said. "Hey, can Yo Mama open for you, dreamer?!"
"Now let's not get ahead of ourselves, Kelnino-"
"Pleeeeeeaase?????" KelNino got down on her knees and let little innocent tears well up in her puppydog eyes.
"Well..." dreamer thought. "Okay, as long as you don't play any more Queen covers."
"Yay! I get to tour with dream- wait, no Queen covers?" KelNino put her hands on her hips. "Are you kidding me?!"
"Nope. Face it, KelNino, you can't sing like Freddie." Junta put a hand on Kelnino's shoulder.
"Well, then who's gonna cover Queen songs on dreamer's tour? We've gotta have a few Queen songs!" Scars pointed out.
"I will!" a voice called. The bathroom pioneers turned around and behold! It was Butch Walker!
"Butch Walker!" Kearbear jumped up and down. "Our own hometown act!"
"Who?" Robin scratched his head.
"You know, from the Marvelous 3?" Kearbear asked.
"Yeah, poprock band from Atlanta? Remember that song, Freak of the Week? Kind of annoying, but very catchy..." KelNino pointed out.
"Oh yeah...I remember that one..." dreamer thought. "And he can cover a Queen song?"
"I heard him do it and it brought tears to my eyes..." Kelnino recalled her night at the Music Midtown Festival. "Well great! Welcome to the team Mr. Butch Walker!" Butch waved his thanks before he sat down on a stool to fool around with his red, white and blue sparkly guitar.
"So..." Angie continued the conversation. "We're gonna keep Lou, but take out his pop groups, right? So how are we gonna kill N'Sync and LFO? Are we still gonna use that Lydia Lunch stuff?"
"And doesn't dreamer need a back-up band anyway? Does anyone play anything?"
"OH! ME! ME! I DO!" screamed Daniel.
"We don't need someone to shake a tambourine, Daniel..." Ada said.