Part 56
Suddenly, Kelnino burst into song. A mic appeared in her hands and she began to rock out. "THESE STAND FOR ME, NAME YOUR GOD AND BLEED THE FREAK...I LIKE TO SEE, HOW YOU ALL WOULD BLEED FOR ME..." A stage rose from the ground, lifting KelNino with it, and the pioneers found themselves in a very dark large room surrounded by sweaty grunge rockers. Back to silverchair stuff
Fireangel, disoriented and shaken by the sudden change in scenery and loud music, looked up to KelNino on the stage and gasped. "My god! I can't believe it-"
Ada yelled over the pounding rock, "You shouldn't say 'God', Angie-"
"Not now, Ada! Look!" dreamer pointed up at the stage. "KelNino turned into Layne Staley!" Sure enough, KelNino had made another transformation, this time into grunge rocker Layne Staley.
"Layne Staley! Holy bloody shit!" Robin exclaimed. "Wait - who's Layne Staley?"
"Robin, you @$#%wit." Heath rolled his eyes. "Layne Staley, of Alice in Chains? Ever heard of them?" Robin nodded in understanding.
"And hey look!" Junta, now free from the butt floss, jumped up and down in glee. She pointed to the stage. "Look! There's Jerry! And Michael Starr, and Sean! Jesus, have I died and gone to heaven?"
dreamer nodded. "My fellow pioneers, I think we have encountered the great Alice in Chains in their days of glory - "
"Not now, dreamer! To the moshpits, everyone!" Ben roared.
They moshed all night long...well, at least until Daniel broke a rib. Melinda was the only one who noticed and stopped the moshing and made everyone go to the hospital with them. But KelNino was still Layne Staley and could care less what had happened to Daniel.
"Robin, you stay with her while we take Daniel to the hospital," Ada said. Robin crawled behind KelNino and hid behind the drummer, shaking.
When they got to the hospital the doctor looked at them and they all recognized him immediately. It was Enrique Iglesias' plastic surgeon. "You're the ones who messed up my beautiful Enrique! He told me all about you guys! How could you do such a thing! My beautiful masterpiece! I had to reconstruct his face after what you guys did! I even had to re-attach his mole!"
At this point the pioneers proceeded to gag at the thought of Enrique's huge, gross mole. "So you won't help us?" asked Ada.
"No, I most certainly will not!" he replied in a snippy voice.
"Fine then!" exclaimed Kelnino. "Then we'll just go to another doctor, a BETTER doctor! Ha!"
So the pioneers went off in search of Cher's plastic surgeon. "Yeah! He's gotta be awesome, look at what he's done to Cher!" Melinda exclaimed.
"Yeah! She's gotta be at least 80," Fireangel agreed. Behind her, Daniel groaned painfully.
"Oooohhhhhhh, will you hurry the %@$# up?" He moaned in agony. "Sweepy! Oh, Sweepy!" He hugged his little dog close. "If I never see you again, I love you. I want you to live a long life and have lots of babies..."
As Daniel slipped into delirium, Sweep grabbed his hand passionately and whimpered as if to say, "I'll never let go, Daniel. I'll never let go-"
"Will you shut up, you dumb mutt?" Heath kicked Sweep across the room. She landed with a yelp at Flash's feet.
"That was out of line, Heath!" Jill cried. "You're going to hell, you bastard!"
"I'll see you there!" Heath snapped back.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah-"
dreamer kicked Heath in the kneecap with the 5-inch heel of her shoe. "Enough already," she snapped. "Sweep is fine. Meanwhile, we have bigger problems. Daniel still has a broken rib, Kelnino has turned into Layne Staley, and Junta is still holding a spork. Is anyone else a little nervous?"
"What spork?" Junta said innocently, with one hand behind her back.
dreamer sighed. "Come on, let's go find Cher's doctor!"
"Cher's doctor?" Robin asked. "He died in the 80s or something. I saw it on Behind the Music."
So Ada decided to look at Daniel's wound himself...Junta was hesitant...but they lifted his shirt to find spork marks all over Daniel's hairy manly chest..."Gee, I wonder how that got there." Junta blushed. "I mean, who would've thought Daniel had hair!"
"Wow, I guess he finally hit puberty after all!" exclaimed Shayla.
"How does it feel to be a man, Daniel?" inquired Heath.
"It feels quite nice thank you...wait a minute you bloody wanker..."
With that, Daniel sprung at Heath, forgetting the spork indentations on his chest. After about a minute of cat-fighting, Daniel fell down and entered a state of terrible agony. Ada, who was still examining him, immediately recognized Daniel's condition. "He has Sporkinribinous syndrome. There is only cure that is known for this."
"And what would that be, Dr. Ada?" asked fireangel.
"He needs Canadian Waffles."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Kearbear threw her arms into the air and howled in agony. She fell to her knees, shaking in fright and hysteria. "NOOOOOOOO!"
"Yes, Kearbear." dreamer rolled her eyes.
Kearbear crawled over to dreamer and tugged on her pant leg. "No, don't make me go to the wretched land of Canada! Please, no! Anything but that!"
(Webmaster's Note: As with everything else insulting in this story, blame Kelnino. Apologies to my Canadian buddies.)
"Sorry, Kearbear."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Don't you know what they do in Canada? What those damned Canadians do?"
"What's that, Kearbear?" Flash sat down next to her in interest. Saurus and Redwing sat down next to him. "Being new to this world and all, we don't know all the dirty little secrets..."
Kearbear pulled out a flashlight and held it up to her face, putting a scary shadow across her freckled features. "KelNino once told me about those Canadians, the scourge of our beloved earth! They smuggle drugs across the border into the hands of the innocent American youth and they disobey the border patrol so they can have their flea-ridden babies in our great land. They wreak of garbage and their own feces because Canada doesn't have a sanitation system or anything of modern science. They're like cavemen! It's even been rumored that they're - " her voice dropped to a whisper, "pop lovers."
"POP LOVERS!" Saurus, Redwing, and Flash gasped in unison.
"Kearbear, did KelNino tell you that?" Fireangel asked. Kearbear nodded. "No wonder. Only she would manage to come up with something like that."
"Fine, Kearbear, if you don't want to come, why don't you go off and look for KelNino/Layne Staley with Junta, considering she's the only one that can turn her back. We'll go off and get those Canadian waffles," Melinda resolved.
"Do I have to go with her?" Junta whined.
"Sorry, Junta. But someone's gotta babysit Kearbear."
"I don't need to be babysat! Waaaaaaaaah!" Kearbear picked up a handful of rocks and began throwing them in a temper tantrum.
"Okay! Good luck, Junta! Bye!" With that, the pioneers left Junta and Kearbear to find KelNino while they went off to get some Canadian waffles. Within five minutes, Robin was whining about his lack of bananas. Ada had a brilliant idea. Since they were heading toward Canada, they could get those mini travel sized bananas - tribanas! So the pioneers stopped by their local produce stand and picked up a bunch of tribanas. However, they weren't ordinary tribanas. They were polkadotted.
"Hey, these are magic tribanas!" Ada exclaimed. "They can heal anything!"
"Really?" Daniel moaned.
"Really!" Ada replied. She handed a tribana over to Daniel and he ate it happily.
"Jolly elfs, I do feel better!" He pounded his hairy chest like a gorilla, screaming "Aaaaaaahhhhh ya ya ya!" The pioneers cheered in glee, because now they wouldn't have to go all the way to Canada and try to explain their problem to the dastardly border patrol.
"Say, Ada," dreamer mused. "Would the bananas help KelNino? Changing her back to her normal self from a rock star really wears Junta out. Maybe we could save her the trouble..."
"That's a great idea, dreamer! You are so smart! Yes, they'd turn KelNino back!" Ada squealed with glee and gave with pioneers a big group hug. "Yaaayyeeee!"
"Great, let's just go find Layne Staley and stuff one of the polkadotted tribanas down his throat. How nice. But did anyone even make arrangements to find Kearbear and Junta after they got KelNino?" Scars remarked.
The pioneers looked from one to another, hoping for an answer before Sky spoke up. "Junta's godly spork! Lead the way...weird plastic food shovel!"
They followed the spork all the way to...the very bathroom where the bathroom pioneer saga began! "Aaah...that old familiar smell...but where's KelNino?" Ada asked.