Part 48
"I think this tape could go for a good million, don't you?" asked rockstar. Back to silverchair stuff
"But what if people don't believe us?" Kelnino wondered.
"Oh, we have our ways...and if they don't believe us we can put it on public access television!" James added. The three conversed a bit longer about it and finally decided to air it on the Cooking Channel and see the comments they got before selling it to MTV for over one million dollars.
"Okay, the cooking show," KelNino said, "But how are we going to get it *on* the cooking show?"
"I have a plan!" dreamer said as she jumped up from her spot on the ground.
"Hey! I'm supposed to be the one with the plan!" KelNino said as she slumped down and began to pout.
"Come on KelNino, you haven't had a good plan in a very bloody long time!" Robin screamed. KelNino started sobbing and went over to cry alone in a corner.
"Robin, see what you did?" Ada scolded. "Now go over and apologize this very instant!" Robin went and apologized and the group continued the discussion.
"So dreamer, go on," KearBear said turning the subject back to the plan.
"Well, Shayde taking her shirt off gave me an idea," she started.
"Yeah, gave me an idea, too..." James said thoughtfully.
"Shut up James! Did you have some more of my coffee? You know that stuff makes you horny! Don't touch it! I only use it for *special* occasions!" Junta yelled, then shyed away because no one was supposed to know about *those* beans...
"ANYWAY!" dreamer yelled, trying to get the group to pay attention, "What we'll do is take Shayde to the back door of the studio where the Cooking Show is filmed, and wait for one of the people on the set or in the show to come out. Shayde -- oh so talented at this stuff -- will tell him that she does 'favors.' If the person is male, he'll be very interested because (not that I think so, but a man would) she is very attractive..." Shayde grunted, but allowed dreamer to finish. "Then, the guy will ask what kind of favors, or something like that. Shayde will find a way to tell the man that he'll get his favor after she gets hers. That means that he'll have to give up his time on the show to broadcast our tape. How's that for a plan?"
Everyone nodded and agreed to the plan, even Shayde, although she wasn't too happy about it. So, they were off to the studio. They got there and got Shayde all set up, and waited. An hour later the producer of the cooking show walked out the back door of the soundstage and Shayde made her move. She waltzed up to him in a very slutty number indeed. "Hey there, Mr. Producerman..." she tugged on his professional-looking tie. "What's cooking?"
All the bathroom pioneers, who were hiding behind a trash bin, slapped their foreheads at the pun. The producer looked surprised for a moment before replying "Um, nothing...heh-heh," He scanned over Shayde's outfit with his eyes wide.
"I'm looking to give a favor..." Shayde ran her fingers through her pink hair saucily.
"Oh yeah? What kind of favor?" the producer asked.
"Whatever you need, honey..." She stroked his shirt and he reached out for her. She stopped him and said "But I need a little something in return..."
"Well-well, I got lots of money-"
"No, I don't work by money, babey. You see, I got this tape that I'd really like to put on the air..."
"What kind of tape?" the producer raised in eyebrow.
"Well, I really think it would bring you great ratings...all I need is the keys to the soundstage." She started to walk away. "But if you don't want to do that-"
"Okay! Yeah, sure...whatever you want! Here are the keys!" He pressed the keys into Shayde's hand.
"Great! Thanks!" Shayde pushed him away and barged into the studio. "Come on, guys!" The pioneers pushed past the producer and followed Shayde.
"Wow, Shayde!" Kearbear applauded. "Where'd you learn to pick at a man like that?!"
Shayde replied, "Well, when I was twelve years old, my drunk-ass dad put me out on the streets so I could get back some money for him. This is all considering that my only other family was my seven horny brothers who were butt ugly and couldn't get any anyways. Nobody ever told me it was the wrong way," Shayde said. Everyone nodded symapathetically while she continued on, "Then I met this guy. Everything was going fine until I met him. Tears were streaming down my cheeks and it was screwing up my make-up, so he gave me a cigarette and he started to stare at my tits. So then I thought, hey if I can seduce this guy...then he took me to the bathroom and I was afraid at the quickness I got laid. 'Member, no one ever told me it was the wrong way. So I was going to do this for a living when the guy came over and we talked all night. He tried to make things right, believe me s**t was tight. And I realized it was the wrong way."
The pioneers nodded and smiled, hoping to clear the memory of her truly screwed-up past. Trying to change the subject...
"*Cough*...we should really get this on the air, guys..." Flash said.
"Right. Where is that room?"
As they were walking to the studio to get on the air Shayde suddenly stopped. The bathroom pioneers turned and said "Shayde, let's go!" and "What's wrong?"
Shayde retorted with "HOLY S**T YOU GUYS!"
"What?" said Kearbear.
"Sublime wrote a song about my life! And changed my name to Annie! And where the hell are my royalties?!"
KelNino interrupted with "Can you get your head out of the bank and can we continue on?" Shayde began to ponder about Bradley and how he got ahold of this -personal information- and why she didn't get any royalties, so she kinda went along with the brood to the studio in a daze of confusion, singing Wrong Way by Sublime in comparison to her life...mumbling "Robin, quit staring at my tits, it's bringing back some bad memories...what WAS that guy's name...it was...I think it started with an E..."
KelNino interupped her train of thought with a swift kick in the ass saying, "You know I love you but I had to do this, let's go!"
All of the sudden the star of the cooking show -- Mr. Fatcookingshowstar -- showed up in the middle of the hallway. Shayde approached him (kind of crookedly because her ass still hurt). She started the same routine as earlier, only different. "Hey stud -- what's a big, handsome, strong man like you doing wandering these halls? Especially without a gorgeous girl by your side..." she said while she ran her hands through her *purple* hair.
"Well...*cough*...I was just going to get another doughnut..." he said shyly.
"You don't need a doughnut. I'm all the sweet you need, honey," she said as she circled him and slapped his ass on her way around. "So, what can *I* do for you, mister? I'm big on giving favors..."
"Well, in that case, there is something you could do for me. I'm going to go to lunch in about five minutes, but you could come with me and serve me up a delicious treat your self..." he said licking his lips.
"Sorry, I've got something to do right now. But how 'bout you show us where we could put this tape on the air?"
"I don't know if I should do that. The producer would kill me," he said, backing away.
"Oh! Mr. Producerman?" she asked angelically.
"Yes. That's him," he said with a raised eyebrow.
"I've already met him. He gave me these keys. Can you help me use them?" Shayde asked as she laid her hand on his chest.
"Sure. To get to the room, you take the next right down a long hallway. When you get to the end take a right. Your friends can go down that hall and there will be a door on your left where they can broadcast it...as for you and me..." he began with a devilish look on his face.
Shayde pushed him back with a disgusted look on her face. "In a public place? What is wrong with you!" she screamed as they ran down the hallway.
Then they came across the door to the airing room. Shayde slipped the key into the door and it clicked open. KelNino used her *new* magical powers of chastity to locate the switches they needed so that James could slip the tape into the correct slot. When all seemed to be running in good order, Robin switched on the TV and sure enough, their tape was being broadcasted nationally on the cooking channel. They watched intently as the recording of Ricky described his first taste of Ecstacy.
"It was given to me by one of my old Menudo bandmates...pure pleasure..." the TV Ricky echoed.
"He's not good enough for ecstacy!" Rockstar retorted at the screen.
"Shut up, rockstar."
Ricky continued, "And then I discovered my fetish for peanut butter...you see, if you spread it all over, my sweet lover dog will - "
"Jolly elfs!" Daniel interrupted. "I never thought of that! Sweet Jesus, I do believe peanut butter would be heaps of fun..." He rubbed his goatee thoughtfully.
"Peanut butter, mate?" Chris asked shyly.
"Yeah, sounds dogdy-like to me..." Ben agreed.
Suddenly, someone bashed through the studio door and stared at the pioneers angrily. "Who put that on TV!" the mysterious figure roared.
"Hey..." KelNino spoke to the man. "Aren't you - I don't know. You're just an ugly bastard if I ever saw one. I mean you're just..."
KelNino blabbed on and on when suddenly Junta lept up from behind the group and started to stutter, "Y-y-you-you-you're-you're...I c-c-can't b-b-beli-believe it..." Junta fainted before the group could find out who their mystery man was.
"Aha! I know who you are! You are the dastardly misuser of commas!" KelNino screamed and pointed a finger at the mystery man, who began to shake his head in his hands thinking, I'm surrounded by idiots. Then, KelNino looked around to see everyone looking at her with odd faces, "What, didn't you all ever watch that show when you were little?"
KearBear and Flash shook their heads in shame as they walked toward the front. "Sorry for the inconvenience, dude. But you'll have to leave so we can finish showing this tape. Okay, bye now!" said Kearbear as she and Flash pushed him out the door.
"Great, KearBear. Now we'll never know who he is and why he didn't want us to air the tape!" dreamer said as she turned her back on KearBear and Flash.
"It's okay. We don't need him. He looked kinda scrawny, you know? He'll never last out there, so there's no need for us to use extra energy to kill him or anything," Flash said reassuringly. The other pioneers went back to watching the tape...
Ricky continued, "And the day my dog ran away, well, I was heartbroken. I lathered myself up in peanut butter and began to run around my neighborhood looking for my pet. My neighbors stared, but I didn't care. I just wanted to hump something. So then I saw this one tree..."
"Now that's just nasty!" KearBear screamed as she hid her face from the TV. The other pioneers continued to watch the disturbing film as Ricky introduced his lover. "I'd like you to meet Muffins, my new canine lover. She ran away from her old owner because he wouldn't feed her any meat. Terrible. Que horrible!"
"Holy s**t!" Daniel screamed at the screen. "That's my Sweep!"