Part 35
"Be quiet, Robin! Bottles-or-whatever is trying to tell us something!!!" KearBear yelled. Back to silverchair stuff
"Well, like I was saying, I just want you to find my killer. I don't think that it was the witch. I'm pretty sure that it was Tootie! You know, Banjo's little sister! Back in the first adventure, she was kidnapped and turned ugly! Banjo and Kazooie failed to save her, and she turned evil. She did, however, get back her gorgeus looks, so she looks normal! Find her! Pleaseeeeeee!" Bottles finished his story and slowly sunk back into his moth eaten body.
"Well, that settles it! We've got to stop them!" Kearbear said as a look of determination crossed her face.
"Where are we going? To the banana land? Yipeee!" Robin yelled after her.
"We're not going to the banana land!" KearBear yelled as she ran and stopped dead in front of the rest of the group, "Nooooooo! Bottles said that it was not the witch! It was the Bitch Tootie! You know, from the first adventure? We can't disturb the witch, but we could use her help!"
"KearBear, you're so gullible. You really believe what Bottles said?" Kel Nino said as she pushed KearBear down and started for the castle.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" KearBear screamed and tackled KelNino, "We have to find Tootie! Bottles said it's not the witch! IT'S NOT THE WITCH!!!"
The other pioneers pulled the crazed KearBear off and listened to her story. "Bottles said that that little slut became ugly, and then evil! She must've grown up to be like any other teen, and fallen into the evil claws of Queen Britney! We have to find out where Tootie is, then decide what to do!" KearBear said.
dreamer screamed as she fainted into Ada's arms. Daniel looked where dreamer had glanced and began screaming like a girl, running around with his arms over his eyes, "AHHHHHHHH! No! Help! It's - it's - it's - it's - "
"Daniel! Mate! Shut up and tell us what the HELL it is!!!" Ben started screaming at Daniel and grabbed him by the shoulders. "Pull together man! Pull your bloody self together!"
Just then Robin turned a corner and saw Ben pressing Daniel up against the wall. He turned right around and went to the girls' bathroom where he had himself a good cry over his lost love.
Anyways, KelNino picked herself up and then sang a little tune to herself. "Welcome to the jungle...we got fun and games...we got everything you want...honey we know the names..." Soon she was in an all-out headbanging version of the classic Guns N Roses song. "We are the people that you'll find whenever you may need...if you got the money, honey, we got your disease!" The bathroom pioneers were now trying to hold down the screaming, thrashing KelNino and stifle her tantric singing (which really was exceptionally good). She only burst away and jumped up on a stage, grabbing a microphone as a huge crowd crowd swarmed over the bathroom pioneers. "Welcome to the Jungle, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE...WE wanna bring ya to your shanananananana-knees! KNEES!...Ooooo-wa! I wanna watch you...bleed!" Slash and the whole Guns N Roses gang joined her onstage and the walls of a stadium rose up around them.
Kearbear looked around frantically, trying to pick out bathroom pioneers through the crowd and loud music. She managed to pull Robin, dreamer, Saurus, and Daniel aside. She shouted to them, "What the hell happened to KelNino?!"
"What?!" Daniel shouted back, cupping his ear.
"What happened to Kelnino?!?"
They all glanced up onstage and (oh my!) Kelnino wasn't Kelnino anymore! She had turned into the great king of tall, pale, skinny, blonde rockstars...Axl Rose!
"Eeeew! She turned into a man!" Robin cringed.
"What?!" Daniel shouted.
"I said she turned into a man!" Robin replied more loudly then before.
"What!?" Daniel edged closer to Robin.
"I said you're a bloody wanking moron, asshole!" Robin shouted in frustration. They were covering their ears because Slash had taken the stage to deliver a monstrous guitar riff, except for Daniel anyway. He was staring in shock at Axl's pants.
"Those are leather...oh @#%$..." he mumbled. "Holy %@$#!" he screamed. "I have to stop this!" He clammored through the crowd onto the stage and tried to attack Axl/Kelnino. Axl reacted by pushing frantic Daniel back into the crowd and halting his bandmate's playing. He hushed the stadium angrily.
"Yeah! Well, thanks to our #%@$&^* security doing a @#&$^%* crappy job..." He/she glared down at Daniel. "I'm gonna go home tonight!" He slammed the mic onto the stage and huffed off, kicking over the guitar rack by the back curtains. A hush fell over the crowd as they realized that Daniel had ruined their Guns N' Roses concert. Anger welled up until it only took one shout of "Let's get him!" to send Daniel and the pioneers running for their lives, a gigantic trail of angry Guns N' Roses fans trailing behind. They managed to hide at the very place where they started, Bottle's house, though now his body had been trampled into mole guts mush.
Daniel was in the verge of crying as he thought about the leather pants that Kelnino/Axl had been sporting. However, Kearbear was more worried about Kelnino's strange transformation and the mystery of Bottle's murder...
The pioneers all sat and tried to comfort the now bawling Daniel. While this was going on, KearBear sat cross-legged on the ground in a sort of meditating manner. She was bringing forth the intellectual/intelligent/nerdy side of her personality in order to solve the very disturbing occurrences. Just then, KelNino/Axl came around the corner. She/he was back to the plain old Kelnino.
"Hey guys! Where the hell did you all go? And what's all this about Axl Rose? He's way too fat to fit through those doors. I mean..." said KelNino as she went on and on.
"Oh my god! Look at her hands! KelNino's got man hands! Ack!" screamed KearBear, who had been studying KelNino for clues.
KelNino looked down at her hands, then sank down on the ground and began to cry. She had always prized those beauties, now what were they? MAN HANDS! The other pioneers circled around her in awe, none of them knowing what in the world to say. Finally, Daniel answered shyly.
"Good god KelNino! What the @^#% happened to you? I mean, that's worse than those damn leather pants (almost)!" said Daniel.
"No, no KelNino. Really, they're, um, not that bad. Really, they look fine. Besides, those things can be fixed," dreamer said comfortingly.
"You guys! Can't you see that this is important? I need to inspect this to see what the hell happened tonight and how to deal/fix it! Move out of my way!" KearBear screamed as she grabbed her backpack full of all this foofoo science stuff.
KelNino endured the testing, then finally asked, "Are you done yet? You're supposed to be some kind of genius, so could you speed it up?"
KearBear did not even look up, she kept to her work and looked hard at the gross and disturbing hands that belonged to the she-man they called KelNino. KelNino became so angry and frustrated that she began to swell up, and before everyones eyes, turned back into Axl Rose. KearBear, noticing the change in manner, timidly looked up at the very tall, pale, skinny face.
"Um.. hi! I'm.. um.. KearBear.." she said very slowly, never taking her eyes of his/her face.
Axl/KelNino did not speak, he only jerked his hand away and began to walk over to the remains of Bottles' body. He kicked the crumbling parts and they sprayed the ground with dust. The pioneers flinched at his/her brutalness, and wondered what was up. Then, the Axl figure shrunk down into a small bear like figure, that had odd, yet pretty, features.
"(Gasp)! Tootie! Oh my god! What did you do with Kel..." KearBear started when the thing KearBear had called Tootie tackled KearBear and silenced her.
The pioneers looked on with strange glances as Ada silently snuck over to KearBear's side and woke her up.
"Well, this is all jolly fun and all, but what in bloody hell are you?" Robin asked.
"I am Tootie! You shall all bow before me!" The ugly bear-like-thing said.
The other pioneers just stared at her with looks of confusion on their face while Daniel bent down and began to go into some sort of worshiping ritual. Ben quickly picked him up and beat him over the head. Then, KearBear and Ada, still behind "Tootie," tackled her and tied her to the ground.
"Well, that's done," said dreamer.
"Hey, weren't we going to go to a nudey beach a while back?" asked Daniel, casting a glance in Robin's direction and winking.
"No! Don't you see? That big house over there, that must be where Tootie was keeping the real KelNino! We have to go search the house," KearBear said, taking a lead over the group.
"Well, shouldn't someone keep watch over the damn bear?" asked Daniel with an interesting look on his face.
"Well, I guess so. Since you want to so badly, I'll let you watch her. Okay Daniel?" KearBear answered.
Daniel let out a cry of glee as the other pioneers went to search the castle. He quickly untied the ropes that bound Tootie to the ground.
"We're finally alone! Together!" He said as a tear of joy slid down his face. He'd obviously forgotten about Sweep and Robin.
"What will they say if they catch us?" Tootie asked in an angelic voice.
"I suppose they'll have the same reaction they had when they found KelNino's and KearBears horses having nasty gay equine sex. But, really, it's almost the same thing, so who could expect anything else?" he answered nonchalantly.
"I guess you're right," she replied as she thrust her arms around Daniel and began licking at his face.
"Hey, I'm human, and we kiss. I'd rather not be licked..." Daniel said as he stuffed her tongue back in her mouth.
"Oh - right," she said sheepishly.
Meanwhile, back at the very large house, the pioneers found nothing in particular except for a large vase and some wizard-type robes. Robin pulled one over his head, laughing, "Jolly good! This hood can cover my wanking greasy hair!"
"Oh, don't be silly!" Shayde pulled back the hood. "Your greasy hair is sexy!" Robin pushed her away rudely, even though Shayde had only been teasing him.
"Whoa! Whoa! Chill out, you guys!" Kearbear tried to calm the bickering teenagers. With Kelnino missing, the group was obviously feeling a little disoriented. "Look, I know KelNino isn't here, but we're not going to find her just by fighting and dressing up in Harry Potter clothes!"
"They aren't Harry Potter clothes, you wanker!"
"Whatever..." Kearbear felt discouraged. "Well, we ought to find out what happened to her, you know?"