Part 32
"Holy wanking chimney sweep boy!" Robin exclaimed. "The monkey talks! I say we capture him and sell him to the circus, make some jolly good cash..." Back to silverchair stuff
"No, Robin!" Daniel shook his head. "Mate, that would be manipulating a wild creature. What of animal liberation and such? What of the RAINFORESTS? WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!" Daniel broke down in tears, so the group shuffled away whistling.
Meanwhile, the monkey had climbed down from the bush. "Hey there, whatchayall been doin'?"
"Hey, haven't I seen you before?" KelNino asked. "Hey! I know! You're the night monkey! Wow!"
"The what?" Robin raised an eyebrow.
"The night monkey! You know, on Jackass? He went around town wreaking havoc in a monkey suit?"
"Oh, you had gotten me all aroused there for a bloody moment," Robin said, looking down towards his belt.
Kelnino cringed at the thought and decided to continue her conversation with the night monkey.
"So, what are you doing around here?" she asked.
"Well, I been lookin' for some bananers. I just found me a big stack behind them buildins over thar." The night monkey poited to a cropping of office buildings, which Robin immediately began running towards.
"Oh great, he's after the bananas again." Scars rolled her eyes.
The night monkey continued. "I been hearin' some strange thangs 'round these parts. You kids'd better be careful."
"What? Is someone in danger?" KelNino grabbed the night monkey's shoulders.
The monkey looked around before whispering, "We have to be secret, I'm not the night monkey. This is a secret identity, very inconscpicuous. I was sent to tell you that several old rockers are in great danger, quickly, take this note and I must be on my way. We're not sure who's conducting these terrible occurences, bu these rock fellows are being tortured and taken in by the dark side when they break. You must save them..."
"No problem! We can do it." Scars took the note. "But who have they taken?"
"We don't have a complete list," he said. "But we do know that Ozzy Osbourne, Axl Rose, Blackie Lawless, and Sebastian Bach are currently being held by them. We can't let these terrible people do this, whoever they are."
"Mission understood, where do we start?"
"There is a secret passge behind my banana pile!" The night monkey dashed away before anymore could be said.
"Wait a second!" KelNino shrieked. "They have Sebastian Bach! We can't let them take Sebastian."
"KelNino, what about Axl, I thought you loved that guy?" Kearbear was puzzled.
"Well, him too. But he's fat now. A chub-o Axl Rose just isn't right, but Sebastian Bach-now that is perfection-"
"Enough, KelNino, we have to go!" dreamer led the bathroom pioneers to the office building, where Robin had already eaten through the bananas to the secret door. KelNino turned the knob and then they realized that they had just walked into a horrible trap! All of Queen Britney's slutty guards surrounded them in the bare hall. They didn't know what to do. Everyone panicked - except for Robin, who continued to eat the banana that he had stuffed down his pants for safekeeping.
"Hey.. this is bloody marvelous. Hey, bitches, what in bloody hell are you going to do to us anyway, strap us in pink chairs and make us listen to that bloody pop s**t?" asked Robin with the banana still in his mouth.
"Well, like, we hadn't, like, thought of that yet, but, like, thanks for the, like, idea, like, man," said one of the sluts in a strangely manly tone.
"Robin! You s**thead! You just gave them an idea! What the heck were you thinking?" KelNino yelled.
"Whoops, well, this has been jolly fun, but I need another banana," Robin said as he attempted to get out of the door. "Bloody hell, it's locked, are you sluts crazy or something?"
Then the sluts handcuffed everyone - they took away everyone's powers by doing a really icky dance - then led them all to a secret room. In the room were pink fluffy chairs with restraints, and really big speakers.
"Here, like, stop here. Each one of you, like, take a seat. Like, okay?" ordered one of the sluts.
Still hurting from the very unnatural dance, the bathroom pioneers each took a seat.
"Well, this sucks. Great going, Robin. Now we're all going to die. Can't anyone do anything?" asked Kear Bear in a very mean tone.
"KearBear, why do you have to be so mean? I'm the one who's supposed to be the bad twin. Dammit, get it straight," KelNino said in a very annoyed tone.
"Will you two just shut the poop up?" Junta said (she was starting to get very annoyed by all of this). "We shouldn't be wasting our energy. We've got a difficult task before us (dun dun dun) - we have to survive pop."
They all agreed, and suddenly, the music turned on. First came Britney, then N'Sync, then the Backstreet Boys, and finally Shania Twain. They were all hanging on to life by a thread, when the Britney Spears song was about to come on again. Then, heroically, Robin used his banana peel to let himself and the others out of their chains. Once they were free, they stretched and rubbed their wrists and ankles where the restraints had been. Daniel frantically picked pink maribou off of his black pants, grumbling under his breath.
"So what do we do now?" asked Ben.
"Leave it to me," dreamer said. "Daniel, can I borrow Sweep?"
"Um, okay," he said.
dreamer took Sweep's leash and peeled part of one of Britney's outfits from earlier in the story off of Robin's shoe (goodness knows how it stayed put for so long) and held it in front of Sweep, who frantically sniffed the scrap of vinyl. "Go find her, girl!"
Sweep began to scratch at a pink leopard-print fake fur curtain in the back of the room. Kelnino pulled it aside to reveal a hidden door. "Talk about the oldest trick in the book," she muttered as Daniel picked the lock with dreamer's hair pins. It cracked open, and they quietly made their way through. A long, dark corridor lay ahead of them, and toward the end they could hear one familiar female voice and what sounded like someone crying.
"We'd better take it from here," dreamer said. "Come on, Sweep."
"Are you sure it's safe?" Daniel asked with worry in his eyes.
"She'll be fine," dreamer said. "Britney wouldn't hurt a cute little puppy. It would ruin her image. Just wait here until further notice, or hide if you have to."
As dreamer and Sweep got closer to the end of the corridor, the voices became louder. She recognized them as Britney and Saurus. "Sweep, sweetie, I think he's in trouble," she whispered.
She was right. Britney had him tied to an overstuffed chair and was straddling him, kissing him passionately. "So you think you love a princess, eh? You're too damn sexy for anyone but me. I'll win you over and make you my slave boy if it's the last thing I do," she purred.
"That's what you think, Barbie," snarled Princess dreamer as she yanked Britney off Saurus. "You've gone too far, and now you're going to pay."
Britney tried to struggle, but dreamer's powers kept her from moving. "What are you going to do to me?!" she shrieked.
dreamer just grinned. She plucked Britney's crown off of her head and conjured up a small isolation tank. Britney could now move, but she could not escape.
"I'm donating you to the Rock and Roll Hall of Shame, dearie," dreamer laughed.
"I'll not, like, have that!" Britney shrieked. She slashed at dreamer's face with her long fake nails. dreamer staggered back through the door and ran into Robin and the other bathroom pioneers behind him. Her klutziness created a domino effect. The whole group fell over backwards, giving Britney enough time to slam and deadbolt the door. The evil pop devil smiled and waved delicately through the small window before she flipped on the intercom switch and leapt like a tiger back onto Saurus.
"Heeheehee, bathroom pioneers!" She giggled. Her voice was amplified for all the good pop-killers to hear. "Now you'll feel true pain! Teehee! Oh, I was just so, like, angry when you made me break my nail back at the warehouse, not to mention causing the fall of my, like, future empire in the, uh like, future." She grabbed Saurus's pale cheeks and thrust her full lips over his. Saurus struggled, but the evil queen's immense strength could not be overcome.
"Noooooo!" dreamer screamed, tears gushing from her princess eyes. She pounded on the door. "No! Saurus..."
Britney pulled herself away from Saurus. "I wouldn't even bother, dearies! Like, that door is made out of iron, reinforced diamonds, and Kosher pickles. Like, neither you nor I could break through it! Like, haha!" She groped Saurus again. A second door opened behind her and the Spice Girls waltzed through. "Teehee, oh yeah!" Britney giggled. "I brought some friends to help me bring this studmuffin over to the pop side. Like, lots of fun!" The Spice Girls laughed with her before joing Britney in their torture of Saurus.
The Bathroom Pioneers looked on helplessly as dreamer banged her head repeatedly on the door. "No!" She screamed. "No!(bang) No!(bang) No!(bang) Noooo!(bang)"
KelNino laid a hand on dreamer's shoulder. "We don't know what to do..." She looked through the window. Saurus was staring, eyes wide in fear, at them through the pop stars' tortures. He was shaking uncontrollably and sweat ran over his brow. Britney tore off his shirt, revealing the pale, sexy abs meant only for dreamer, and the six sluts felt him all over. KelNino shuddered. "Oh Timmy, help us...I'm so sorry, Saurus..."
dreamer shrieked, "Oh God, no!" She pressed her wet palms against the window. All the bathroom pioneers could tell, from the tone of dreamer's scream, that Saurus had lost the battle. Sure enough, Saurus's penetrating, deep eyes glowed a happy, chirpy blue and his hair stood in short, gel-covered curls. He was no longer clothed in his red, stylish assassin clothes, but was covered in healthy blues and wholesome browns. "Oh, Saurus, please no facial hair-Aaaah!" dreamer looked through the window at Saurus' tacky new goatee/sideburn thing.
Kelnino drew away from the window and noticed that Redwing looked worried. "What's going on?" he asked.
"It's - it's..." Kearbear studdered. "It's Saurus. S-something terrible happened. I..." She pointed to the window.
Redwing peered through the glass. "Dearest Helpless!" he yelled in shock. The converted Saurus was now willingly making out with Britney and the Spice Girls. "My brother! Oh..." He stepped away and bowed his head.
"He's your brother?" Daniel asked.
"Yes, my only living reletive. My father, mother, sister, cousins...everyone, all exterminated by the pop forces. And now him...soon they'll get me because Saurus holds all my access keys and passwords."