I needed right then to realize I'm obsessed with Jeff Hardy. I wanted so much for that dream to be real. To not wake up. It was so relaxing being there with him and his brother... It was easy being with them and around them. I could be myself for once... It's been so long since I've done that. So I cried. I stopped a few times because I kept telling myself it was foolish. The Hardyz are busy, a hell of a lot busier than I am most likely. They'd never have time to do anything like that and there's a very, very, very slim to none chance that they'd ever knew who I was let alone invite me over... I have no doubt their house isn't like that. It was a dream after all. I'm not psychic. I don't think so at least... But if only it were real... Let alone the obsession for a moment. I'd actually be taking a vacation. I could have some time to do something I *wanted* to do. Not something I *had* to do. I'd have had real, honest to god friends... Yes I have friends now, but I don't see them often and some of them aren't all that trust worthy. I don't tell them everything because I'm afraid to. I keep a lot of stuff bottled up in me because, for one, I don't think other people need or want to hear my ranting... lucky for me I have this little site to unload on. And it's *you're* choice whether you listen or not. But with Matt and Jeff in the dream, I felt I could tell them anything and everything. That they'd actually listen and care. Care on top of that! That is a novelty. I'm so sick of having friends that give you a blank stare when you tell them something... Like they're not listening. Or even worse, they give you a hard look like they obviously don't care and they're thinking of how much they'd like you to shut up even while you're talking... I'm sick of that. So, so sick of it. But, really... there's nothing I can do at the moment other than hope and pray. Friends don't advertise so I have to wait patiently. Maybe before I die I'll find someone I can trust. Someone that'll care...
As far as my obsession... yes, I'll admit it even while I deny it. I'm obsessed with Jeff Hardy. No, I'm not going to stalk him. Yes, I did write him a letter. No, I didn't drool on it, leave it scented with perfume or put lipstick marks for my name. It was a nice simple letter to both of the Hardyz saying how much I admire the risks they take for us. How much I admire Jeff's poetry and his style... Nothing graphic or obsessive by any means. The only way I admit I'm obessessed is from yerning. I yern for those dreams I've had to be real. To have a friendship like that with Jeff. I emphasize the friendship part... I really don't think I need a relationship. I'd be perfectly happy going the rest of my life without another relationship. But, moving back to the point... His poetry opens up a little part of him but it's not all of him. I wouldn't mind at all if I could get to know the rest of what's swimming in his head... Who knows, maybe we'll get locked in the same old folks home together 40 years or so down the road. |
