| Warning: This joke here has some bad language and is sexually explicit. It's also very strongly offensive. Especially to people in New York or anyone else that doesn't live in Pennsylvania. So watch yourself! |
| How to save your ass if you plan to visit Pennsylvania this summer issued by the Pennsylvania Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors: 1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at the Pancake Farm. It's a diner. They serve breakfast. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass. 2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Intercourse, Bird-In-Hand, Blue Ball, Climax, Ephrata) or we will just have to kick your ass. 3. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll have to kick your ass. 4. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here, unlike some places where people are allowed to live with their parents past the age of 30. Naturally, we do have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass. We are also not dumb enough to elect a Professional Wrestler (Sorry!!) to our highest state office. People like that should have their ass kicked. 5. Don't laugh at our Amish or Horse & Buggies. Anything that inspires tourist to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. If you do we'll kick your ass. 6. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass. 7. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass. 8. Don't try to fake a Pennsylvania Dutch accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked many times. 9. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big city hellholes like Washington D.C., Chicago, and New York and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it, Interstate 80, 70, and 76 are ready when you are. Move your ass on back home before it gets kicked. 10. Don't complain that Pennsylvania has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to New York City. 11. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours. 12. Don't lie to any of us. If we don't find out right away, we will eventually. We will then kick your ass. 13. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on a farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or New Jersey. Make fun of our country fresh air and we'll kick your ass. 14. Anyone from any point further south than the Mason-Dixon line will have their ass kicked back to whence they came. If you are from Virginia, we will kick your ass using some Shit-Stompin' Steel-toed boots. 15. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE come out here and tell us how the Countryside should modernize and yield to big business! This will get your ass shot (right after it's kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your ass. Enjoy your visit and then go home. Remember, Maryland has Crabs, Virginia is for lovers, but Pennsylvania has Intercourse! |
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