When Good Shows Go Bad
by qc
Okay, first up, this contains MAJOR SPOILERS for Buffy and Angel if you live outside the States. Not overly spoily for Farscape. Secondly, it's crap. It insults Buffy and a lot of the fans, so please try not to take offence too much. It's ojly meant in jest. (Well, mostly....) Thirdly, the html is probably completely fucked. But that's to be expected, no?
Okay, here it comes, sil (since you're probably the only one reading it):
spoilers, spoilers, everywhere
When Good Shows Go Bad
Disclaimer: This is all a bit of silly fun. I don�t own Buffy, Angel, or Farscape � they�re owned by UPN, the WB, and whomever the hell it is that owns Farscape respectively. Any resemblance to real people is� um� coincidental. No offence is intended. *coughpleasedon�tsuemecough* Also unintentional is any offence that I may cause to a certain type of fan. You�re entitled to your opinions. Even if they�re wrong. ;)
Morti Naxon: [kicks bloodied corpse of Reckno B. O�Sannon out of the way] Well, that�s all of them. Farscape is now ours to turn to shit. Muahahaha!
Jess Whoden: [joins in on the evil maniacal laughter] Excellent. It�s all going to plan.
On board Moya somewhere
John: Scorpy, you�re an evil son-of-a-bitch, and � [confused pause] and I think you�re really hot.
Scorpy: [also somewhat surprised] Why, John, I � I... feel the same way about you.
John: Take me against this wall, right now, you black-clad hunk of a night thing!
Scorpy: John! I must prove my sincere love to you by fucking your brains out!
Bon Brewder: WHAT?!?!
Jess: [points gun at BB�s head] Do it.
Cut to Zhaan�s apothecary
Stark: [whispers] I�m worried about Zhaan. Ever since she brought John back after he killed himself for his long-lost brother-who�s-also-the-key-to-everything Crais, she�s been acting strangely.
[Zhaan goes and starts snorting a pack of herbs]
Morti: Yes! I feel the need to drop anvils about Zhaan�s ADDICTION, in case the viewers didn�t get that she�s ADDICTED!!! How the hell did this show survive with only cartoon anvils?
D�Argo: Time for my one line this week. I think that �
Morti: [materialises briefly] SILENCE!! No more lines for you!
Chiana: I LIKE SEX!! AND MONEY!!! IN FACT, I�D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH SOME MONEY, AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT IN FRONT OF ALL OF D�ARGO�S FRIENDS, BECAUSE IT�S FUNNY!!!
[D�Argo shoots a pained look in the direction of the others]
Cut to: wherever the frell John and Scorpy are
John: That was completely wrong. I think we should do it again. Man, I�m too sore to sit down. [pause] What the hell�s that?
Scorpy: [quickly tries to hide John�s underwear, but fails] Nothing.
John: Those are my Calvin Kleins! I�ve been looking for them for ages! Do you know how hard it is to *find* underwear in this part of the universe? I�ve been going commando for months because of you, you sick pervert! [pause] You�re hot.
Cut to Talyn, on the new spin-off, �Not-So-Farscape�
Aeryn: Hey, good thing that Velorek was brought back from the dead long enough to have my baby, and then killed himself to redeem his soul! Now we can have wacky baby hijinks, instead of actually being about something interesting!
[Rygel, wearing an hideous halter top and hoop earrings, makes goo-goo faces at the baby]
Back on Moya, Pilot�s Den
Pilot: I want out of this. I need to get back and see my family. I don�t play any role in this show anymore. Give me my own spinoff all about my shady past.
Morti: [materialises again] Sure thing. It�s not like the writing staff is trying to do too much at once. A new show it is! However, until we can write you out, let�s give you something to do by letting you sing onscreen, even though it�s completely irrelevant to the storyline. [disappears]
Pilot: Cool. Freeeeeeee biiiiiiiiiiiird....
Scorpy�s Quarters (yes, he has quarters now)
Scorpy: John, I know I�m evil, and I�ve tried to kill you, and stalked you, and tortured you countless times... but... I love you. I did it all out of love, you see?
John: Oh yeah, baby. It was all love. And every time that you beat the shit out of me, as much as I loathed it, I loved you right back.
Scorpy: It�s the chip. I put a chip in your head, and it�s making me a better person. I am being REDEEMED!
John: Oh, Scorpy. I hate you. But I can see that you�re good now. Let�s go fuck again.
Bon: Oh, screw this. Where�s my frellen lawyer?
Woyne Pygrom: Tell me about it. Who the hell�s gonna take me seriously after this?
Bon: Somebody, please� kill me.
Jess: Too bad. You signed the contract. Your soul is mine. The only way you can get the contract off me� is if I�m dead.
Bon: [struggles against chains] Damnit. Why the hell did you have to chain me to the wall in your lair, Woyne?
Woyne: [shrugs apologetically] It was in the script.
Moya�s Cargo Bay
[A ship docks. From out of it step Maldis, Staanz, and Durka�s brother, Bob.]
Bob: We�re here to be a stereotypical representation of the people who watch this show, because the writers now have such huge egos that they no longer want to identify with our types! Other than that, we serve no real purpose, except to generally be annoying.
Zhaan�s Apothecary
Chiana: Pilot, what the hezmana was that? Who just docked?
Pilot: Round, round, get around, I get arooouuund.... Hmm, what? Oh, it�s Maldis, Staanz, and Bob. They�ve come to be generally annoying or something. I get arouuuund....
Chiana: Staanz? Wasn�t she on our side? I thought that she liked us? SEX!!!
Pilot: Buggered if I know. Don�t ask me. It�s not like *I* would have the knowledge about these kinds of things. I just sit around in the background and do bugger all, because, really, what role does a pilot play on a ship? Not a big one, obviously. Go ask someone else. Go ask Zhaan. She�s only been studying these things a fraction of the time that I have, and is not at all qualified. She�ll have all the answers, and will be able to solve all your problems easily. Theeeeeeeeere�s a bad moon, on the rise....
Maldis: Let�s play Doom, and make plans to take over the Uncharted Territories for no real reason!
Staanz [clutches sci-fi DVDs] Hell yeah!
Cut to: John and Scorpy
John: Take me! Take me right here!
Bon: Oh, I am *so* outta here.
Jess: [injects Bon with whatever it is he�s been using to keep actors on Biffy]
Bon: Whoa. Damn.
John: I just can�t resist you anymore!
Fans: Um, do you really think we�re gonna buy this? I mean �
Morti: LEATHER PANTS!!! HE WEARS LEATHER PANTS!!! LOVE HIM!!!
Fans: But �
Morti: SHARP CHEEKBONES!!!
Fans: But �
Morti: CHECK OUT THOSE CHEEKBONES!!! AND THE LEATHER!!! YOU LOVE SCORPY!!! HE HAS BEEN REDEEMED, EVEN THOUGH HE�S STILL UTTERLY EVIL!!!!
Large portion of fans: Oooooooh.
Remaining fans: But �
Large portion of fans: All hail Scorpy�s redemption! He put a chip in John�s head, and now he�s capable of love, and won�t ever kill anyone again! I want to see him NAKED!
Jess: I�m way ahead of you.
Bon: [breaks free from chains, grabs Winona, and blasts shit out of the writers]
Jess: [dying gasps] You may� have won the battle� but you�ll never� win the war! This show� can never get back to its� original� standard. It�s doomed� to mediocrity!!! [smiles] At least now� it will win critical acclaim� as the best-written show around.
Bon: Die, you grotesque freak! [puts a stake through Joss�s heart] Frell.
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