Buffy scratched her rib. Damnit!, she thought, it was *late*. How could she tell everyone that she'd gotten knocked up, let alone who they'd believe did it to her. If they didn't all die from heart attacks, they'd surely strangle her for being with him. Meanwhile, a dark black (because there's such a thing as light black and all;)) BMW pulled into Sunnydale... or, more of less, a large oak tree of Sunnydale's. "Shit!" Plot Device cried as her head smacked onto the steering wheel. This just *wasn't* her night.

*****************

Plot Device opened the door of the BMW with a shaky hand, and more fell than stepped out of the driver's seat onto the ground. She found herself next to the cemetery...the object of her search wandering amongst the tombstones, appearing to be lost in thought. She picked herself up, and with a determined stride marched up to Buffy. "You WHORE!" she screamed. "You've been sleeping with my man!"

Buffy looked panicked. "Which one?"

With an anguished cry, Plot Device attacked Buffy. "Swedish Bob!"

*****************

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. Swedish Bob was little more than one magnificent hunk of man-meat to her, and she could cast him off with little trouble. She turned to Plot Device, who was practically hyperventilating with barely pent-up rage, and self-righteousness, and the need for cheese.

"Listen... whoever the hell you are... I don't give a shit about that Swedish guy, okay? I have plenty of men, and I'm feeling charitable today. You can have him."

Buffy smiled, feeling proud of herself for having handled the situation with such aplomb, although she didn't actually know the meaning of the word aplomb, and, just to put the icing on the cake, she'd been damned generous to Plot Device, too. She felt herself slipping into the familiar comforts of a nice ego-trip, but managed to come out of it long enough to see Plot Device's eyes widen slightly, and spun around.

A familiar face. A voice she knew well. A hot bod that she had definitely encountered before.

Swedish Bob.

"So, what, you're saying this is all a game?!?!"

*****************

"listen you big hunk of burning man meat, it was nice while it lasted, baby, but I�m into the major league now. i can't be trouble by someone so....so.....Swedish." Buffy stuck her nose up in the air, tossed back her hair and began to walk off as plot device stopped her.

"hey, you can't talk to Swedish bob that way!" and plot device took a swing at Buffy's face which Buffy avoided with ease. Swedish Bob tried to intervene.

"Guys, don't do this." he said and Buffy responded by tossing the stud muffin she'd once had such a yen for to the side and began to pummel plot device. plot device wasn't a very good fighter so she just took it like a man. Once Buffy's fist began to cramp she switched to her left hand. She was just about to do plot device in when...

*****************

Swedish Bob threw himself in front of the badly beaten Plot Device. "Ladies," he shouted, "you have to stop fighting. You are going to cause me to have a moment of Pure Misery, and if I experience one moment of such Pure Misery then the spell that restored my parole will be reversed.

Buffy looked Swedish Bob in the eye and then looked back at Plot Device who was covering her face with her hands. "Eh, what the hell...," she muttered. She raised her arm to strike Plot Device again when Swedish Bob yelled, "Argh, no no no not now...., please not now."

Swedish Bob started running in circles in the cemetery screaming. Buffy and Plot device stared at him with blank expressions on their faces. Swedish Bob stopped running for a moment and his face contorted, his hair turned to black and grew in length...he was changing into something, no someone else. Suddenly Buffy and Plot device found themselves looking not at Swedish Bob, but at Silver.

Silver walked awkwardly over to the two women. She was being careful not to bend her hips. It appeared that she was experiencing some discomfort. Was it due to the transformation spell? Silver spoke, "Man, I hate it when he wears those Zebra print thongs. Those things really ride up, ya know?"

Buffy gasped, "You mean I was sleeping with a man who is also a woman all this time?

*****************

silver danced about futilely, trying to dislodge the thong. "Bah!" she said, annoyed when it continued to dig into her. "I'll get him for this one," she muttered.

Suddenly Buffy's eyes filled with tears. Her lower lip quivered, and her eyebrows formed squidgy little lines over her overflowing eyes. "What about me?" she demanded. "You haven't answered my question. I'm the star...I'm the focus! How am I supposed to live with you taking up all of the plot...knowing what I had? What I could have had?"

Plot Device looked confused. "She's taking me up where?"

silver regarded Buffy with disdain, shaking out her long brown hair (yeah, that's right, it's brown! lol). "All right fine, you whiny bitch!" she spat. "Yes, you've been sleeping with us both!" Her voice lowered, and an eyebrow arched in a knowing manner. "How else do you think I was able to find your G-spot so quickly?"

Buffy flushed a deep red, Plot Device squawked in protest, and then a small blonde blur dove in from out of nowhere and attacked Buffy. The newcomer landed on Buffy and pummeled her senseless, leaving her beaten and broken on the ground. With a snarl, she turned to Plot Device.

"Do you want some of this too?" Sophie asked, "or are you gonna stay away from my fianc�?"

*****************

Falcor was flying through the skies er...no, wait, hold on...

"soapsy!" silver perked up. the two soon-to-be-married peeps hugged each other and sophie copped a feel (no, wait, that's B). anyways, plot device was quite astounded by all of this.

"so...SB shares a body with you," indicating silver, "and he changes into you sometimes and you're to be wed to sophie?"

"well duh!" silver responded. Buffy, meanwhile, groaned on the ground and slowly picked herself up and confronted her attacker. sophie held up her fists, ready to use *Buffy* as the punching bag for once.

"Hold up! white flag here! i just wanted to say you can take silver. i have plenty of men who want me (as well as some women). now if you don't mind i think I�m going to go home and have a shower." with that, Buffy left. sophie whispered something in silver's ear and plot device looked confused.

"sorry, plotty, but me and my grl - we're gonna go to bed now. see you later in a millennium or three." and so silver and sophie walked off leaving plot device to stand by her lonesome. *the camera...er...story follows silver and sophie as they walk home together*. on there way, they both feel like they're being followed. and sure enough - they are. sophie turns around and clonks spike in the jaw as both her and silver stop suddenly and Spike kinda runs into the back of them both. Spike's sprawled on the ground with his legs suggestively spread apart.

"Ladies. what seems to be the matter?"

"We wanna know why you were following us, Spike?" sophie stated making sure to stand in between Spike and silver, protecting silver.

"Well..." Spike began...

*****************

"...I heard there were some nasty vamps out tonight and I though you lovely ladies could use an escort. Sunnydale is dangerous you know." Spike winked at Silver as he said this. Silver grinned and Sophie scowled.

"We can take care of ourselves, thank you very much," Sophie said curtly.

"Well, I don't know about you Sophie but I might feel a little safer if Spike were to follow behind us...," Silver said.

Before either Spike or Sophie could say a word Xander and Willow appeared from behind a tree. "Spike, are you harassing these women?" Xander demanded.

"Actually...," Sophie started to speak before Silver interrupted.

"... No one is harassing us." Silver tried to explain to Xander and Willow. "And where have you two been all this time?" Silver asked.

"Well," Willow began, "we have been worried about Buffy because she has been spending all of her time with Swedish Bob and has been neglecting her duties as the Slayer. So we tried to pick up some of the slack and have been patrolling ourselves."

She looked around, "And where did Swedish Bob go anyway?" "Anyway," she continued, Xander and I were behind a tree, um staking a vampire when we saw some chick with an English accent attack Buffy and then Buffy just walked away.

The next thing we knew Spike was harassing you."

"He wasn't harassing us....," Silver protested. Sophie glared at her again.

At that moment, three vampires in tacky blue leisure suits approached the Scoobies and their strange visitors. "Mmmmm, dinner," one of the vamps said.

*****************

"Oh God," Willow paled to an even whiter complexion than usual. "It's the Three!"

"The three?" Sophie asked, confused. I thought they died back in season one?"

"No no," silver said, hastily backing up. "Not those Three. These are the Three Tom Jones's. A really bad lounge act from Vegas. Pray that they don't start singing, or else we'll all be rendered helpless!"

Spike stiffened. (hey! not like that!) "Well, it's a good thing for all of you that I can fight vampires, because these three are one nasty lot."

As the three Tom Jones's moved in, the Scooby Gang fanned out into defense positions. With their vamp faces on, attack seemed imminent. Sophie snarled.

Suddenly the evil crooners broke into song. "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone......" they sang. As one, the S.G. covered their ears and howled, dropping to their knees in agony. Xander gritted his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. "God...the music! I can't...stand...the pain!"

As the deadly melody continued, veins started popping out, and eyeballs started to swell. In a gush, Xander's head exploded. Willow cried out from where she lay on the ground, her hands still pressing against her ears. She tried to use magic against the Three, but couldn't think past the awful music.

Spike looked up from the ground, and saw a fleeting movement behind the Three Tom Jones's. It was Giles! In a swift movement, he'd decapitated all of the three with a heavy-looking axe. The Three stood for a moment longer before realizing they were dead, and then vanished into a puff of ashes. Giles twirled his axe once and then leaned on it jauntily. The Ripper had come to play. ;)

"Wow," silver muttered as she stood..."too bad Liz is not here to enjoy this. Also sucky that this damn thong has ridden up even further due to my writhing around on the ground. *sigh* "

*****************

A voice was heard from seemingly nowhere "i realize you have underwear up your arse but it beats having a cracked skull."

"who is that?" sil wondered aloud as everyone turned to see where the voice was coming from. then, dramatically as lightning flashed, "where'd the storm come from?" Spike asked out loud, a human figure could be seen standing on to of a building.

"Angel?" willow yelled out.

"geez, ask the whole neighborhood why don'tcha." sophie snapped.

"no." the voice came again, "it's me, liz." another flash of lightning revealed it to be indeed liz. she jumped down from the roof of the building to meet up with all the others.

"what's this? xander's dead on the ground and he has no head? is this your doing, SB?"

"uh...liz," sil began. "hmmm?" liz replied. "SB's not here at the moment."

"oh he can still hear me." liz reassured. Giles, meanwhile, strolled up to silver and showed off his leather pants. "ugh! not me, Giles! it's liz who fancies you in tight leather pants! go show them off to her." Giles walked over to show liz his leather pants.

"veery nice." liz commented. Spike offered to walk willow to buffy's house so they could explain to Buff what had happened to xander (everyone else knew it was just so Spike could go talk to Buffy). Giles cleaned up the mess xander's head had made and silver and sophie continued on their way home. they reached home without hearing any more terrible music and opened the door to find...

*****************

to find that most of their house was gone.

*****************

As one amorphous blob, each of our heroes and Buffy looked towards the skies. Or the ceiling. Suffice it to say, they didn't see much.

"Hey, Buffy... I never realized what butt-ugly plasterwork your ceiling has. You really need some nice decorative moulding." Buffy wasn't sure what to make of this comment, so she decided to give Liz no response.

Still the staring continued. sil stretched her neck a little. Spike, distraught over Xander's untimely kablooey, went to look for a cigarette lighter. Giles smiled and followed him through the back door. [IT BEGINS!*author looks innocent*] Bracken entered and pissed all over the upholstery, slapped sil, and left again, feeling ambivalent about her cameo. sil got ridden into a soft, pulpy mess by Foot o' Heatherosa, and somewhere, a certain Australian laughs at the untimely demise of the Xander-murderer (who shall nevertheless be resurrected one of these days. Xander, that is. Although everyone comes back to life in Sunnydale...).

The gargantuan extremity uprooted itself, and made the slog into the garden of Buffy's next-door neighbor, for there was no cheese to be found here, nor Seth.

The squelchy gurgle, like a Beatles tape being played backwards (complete with Satanic obscenities) captured the attention of our intrepid crew somewhat. From the ooze rose a new being, one free of the shackles which previously fettered, one who was now their own individual, one who was now new. And *improved*.

Folks, say hello to the new Swedish Bob. One no longer body-sharing with a certain brunette that met a sticky fate. Mua.

Swedish Bob waved, smiled benignly, and opened his mouth. Everybody leaned forward, waiting with bated breath, and making mental notes to either get some breath freshener or catch some fish one of these days, whilst cursing the fact that many puns don't work as well in the written medium as they do in the oral. The Bobster took a deep breath, started to speak - but before the first exquisite syllable could escape his divine lips, the front door seemed to implode on itself, and standing there heroically in the settling dust was....

"SNUDER!!!" screamed sil's mangled corpse.

Of course, it wasn't Snuder, and Liz ground sil's skull fragments into the ground with her heel for being so damned silly, and for spoiling the dramatic moment which is supposed to end a chapter. She cleared her throat, cued the dramatic music, and asked the intruder to crash through the door again. There was a noticeably less impressive BANG!, and everyone gasped obligingly for the cliffhanger ending....

*****************

Heatherosa cracked her fingers one by one as she sat idly in her velvet thrown. The Bunger King crown that rested on her head was slightly askew, but no one said anything for the fear for her ALL MIGHTY X-TREME!!! wraith "My time has come!" she cackled. Somewhere off camera, snickering was hear as someone whispers "she said come!" Oy, good lackeys are *so* hard to find nowadays. "Berry, get your ass in here!"

A girl dressed in a short skirt, tight high boots & a twin buns in her hair made her way into the angled shot. "What now?"

"I have a job for you."

"Do I at least get to change out of this damn Sailor Moon outfit? It's bad enough I have to wear it, but making Anthony dress up as Sailor Jupiter is just cruel."

Meanwhile, Plot Device had her own... um... plot device on mind. As she sharpened her knifes she was heard to mutter "All work and no play makes for a bad ongoing never ending pass-along story..."

*****************

it was.............."yes?! hurry it up!" the impatient Buffy enthused.

"don't get ya knickers in a twist like silver did." SB calmed her. so yeah, anyways, it was...Glory. no, not really. it was actually schmaken bracken.

"schmaken bracken, you've returned! i thought you were only here for a cameo!" willow gasped.

"i was!" bracken simply replied. then suddenly bracken was attacked by a heard of original sheep. the sheep's Sheppard revealed himself to be.......SETH GREEN!

"SETH GREEN?!?" everyone said, gob smacked. "yes, it's me." he replied. i do heathrosa's bidding and she's ordered i kill you all for her as she will not lower herself to destroying you all with her hand. "well she lowered herself enough to crush the remnants of sil's skull." sophie sobbed and pointed out to SG.

"oh that, " SG dismissed, "that can be fixed no trouble at all.....but hey! I�m here to kill you all!" he walked up to heatherosa's gigantically huge towering leg and rubbed himself against it like a cat.

the others took this opportunity to sneak out the door while Heatherosa was distracted. sophie, however, stayed behind with silver's mangled corpse. the others only realized when they got outside that sophie had stayed behind.

"I�m going in after her!" the heroic SB announced. "don't be a fool!" Buffy shouted.

SB ignored the slayer and went back into the deathtrap of a house. SG saw SB return and was slightly confuzzled, "hey, i thought you were here before...but you seem to have just entered."

SB grabbed picked sophie up in his strong arms and crashed out through a window of the house. they were both chased by Heatherosa down the street till sophie through the massive beast some cheese. they lost Heatherosa eventually.

upon returning to buffy's house (naturally that's where Buffy thought they should all go) sophie revealed she'd stolen some remnants of sil's skull and could "do this" (i.e. perform a raising spell to resurrect silver).

Buffy said, "no way! absolutely outta the question. dawn messed up a resurrection spell the last time..." liz cut Buffy off by punching her in the nose. Buffy then kicked liz in the head. they both fought until spike walked down the steps shirtless. "hey, what's all the noise about, ladies?" he asked innocently.

meanwhile, sophie performed the spell to resurrect silver which was a complete success except now she was not sharing a body with SB. just as sophie and sil hugged that they had "found" each other ("i was so lost.", "i found you! I�ll always find you.") they heard the sound of helicopter rotors outside. one by one they walked outside and peered upwards to find a helicopter indeed hovering above Buffy's front lawn. a ladder rolled down from the chopper and someone was climbing down it. everyone was rather shocked to find it was...

*****************

qc!

The Dastardly Diva from Down Under landed lightly on her feet and haughtily looked at the crowd. A Black leather duster swirled about her ankles, and she calmly pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "Word is, you've got a Heatherosa problem," she drawled, the flame from the lighter illuminating her face briefly. "You know what works well with Heatherosa's...is killin' 'em."

On the porch, Spike blinked.

Down on the lawn, in front of the newcomer, Buffy had...predictably...burst into sobs. "But...this is MY show. I'M supposed to be the hero! Don't you all see how this is effecting me? Me me me!"

qc tried to arch an eyebrow at the slobbering slayer, but ended up just wiggling both of them lecherously. She finally gave up and looked at silver. "I realize that you're probably still smarting from where I had your skull crushed in in my last segment, but I'm thinking you'd be up for a little Buffy killing, eh?"

silver's eyes gleamed, and she quickly joined qc and Buffy on the lawn. They each grabbed hold of one of the slayer's arms and dragged her around the side of the house. The rest of the gang could hear various punches and kicks being landed, but thought it best not to move.

Suddenly a midget popped out of the helicopter that was still chillin' on the lawn, and they all gasped as they saw it was dressed just as qc had been...in a long (well, long for the midget) flowing black coat. And she even had a little cigarette in her mouth. With one hand it took the cigarette out and flicked she off into the night; with the other she raised a pinky to the edge of her mouth. "I am called....mini-qc!" she proclaimed.

Just then silver and qc rounded the corner of the house and rejoined the Scooby Gang. They both looked a bit tussled but on the whole very pleased. "Ah," qc said with satisfaction, "I see you've met mini-qc. Excellent. She will be the key in our weapon against Heatherosa."

Sophie and Liz glanced at each other, and Liz turned to qc. "But how can she help us defeat Heatherosa?"

"The answer," qc said cryptically, "lies within all of us."

*****************

"The answer lies within all of us." The words echoed across and around the lawn. Confusion etched on their faces.

Silver turned to her newest bestest pal, "Dude. What exactly are you getting at?"

Whipping her head around (and boy was that a sight to see) her eyes glaring at the fools surrounding her, "It means," she choked out, "that the answer is *lying* within all of us. How can you not get what that means? Did people question Dylan when he said that the answer was blowing in the farquin' wind?! Like that makes any sense."

Her torrent of words were soon lost on the crowd when a slight movement in the nearby bushes caught their attention. A voice could be heard, a whisper. Fervent. A few of them glanced at each other giving knowing glances. The answer *was* blowing in the wind. "My show. My show. I'm Buffy, it's what I do." When the words actually became clear, a few hung their heads in shame while QC just glared. And glared some more. "My show, my show it's what I do. Myshowshowstarmyshowstarstarit'swhatIdo"

Liz glanced over at the emerging Buffy, "Can't those PTBs keep that bitch dead? I'm several metaphors of pissed off right about now."

Doyle (who'd just come running from a couple blocks down and over) rushed over to QC, "Quit the cryptic and tell us what it means now! You can send sheep after me, you can send Heatherosas after me. That's fine! But nobody steals the spotlight from my FaithGloryFred."

"Umm. Actually Doyle, the words of wisdom were for defeating Heatherosa, not for Buffy." Swedish Boy hmmm'd

"And hey, why do you get all the cute loonies?" Spike sauntered over to Doyle. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Doyle emphasized each word with a poke to Spike's chest. "I. Am. Not. Dead. Dammit."

"Fine. Was just asking, no harm in that." Spike rubbed his chest.

Mini-qc walked over to Buffy, knelt down beside her and brushed her palm against Buffy's cheek. "Deader." She whispered gravely.

"How did you hear what QC had said?" Sophie questioned Doyle.

A guilty look with a twist of fuck off, flickered in Doyle's eyes. In an instant it was gone. "Half demon, you know. We have good hearing."

*****************

"Alright," QC said in a commanding tone, "now that we have established who is dead and who isn't dead we can get to work on stopping Heatherosa."

"But how?" Silver and Swedish Bob asked simultaneously. "The legends say she is unstoppable. What hope do we have against something like that?"

"Together nothing is impossible." QC spoke to the group like a Zen master. "Together we can be as strong as the wind, as mighty as the ocean, and as bright as the noon sun. Together we shall stop the coming apocalypse. "

"No, no, no!" Buffy yelled in an exasperated voice. "We can't be having an apocalypse now! It is only September, all the apocalypses in Sunnydale happen in May, don't you people know anything?"

Liz walked over and slapped Buffy. "Didn't it ever occur to you that someone would figure out that you aren't ready to deal with the end of the world in the fall? Apparently Heatherosa knew that you wouldn't be expecting this for another nine months and she deliberately struck early to exploit your weakness."

Giles nodded at Liz's wisdom and thought to himself that she would make an excellent Watcher; perhaps he should speak to the Council about making her his apprentice.

"Now QC said," to defeat Heatherosa we need an expert on the Demon Dimensions, and as it turns out there is such an expert in Sunnydale, a friend of yours even...."

"Hmmmm," Swedish Bob rubbed his chin and thought for a second. "Anya!" he yelled.

"Yes," QC nodded. "You learn quickly Grasshopper, err Swedish Boy.

"We have to find Anya before Heatherosa does," Giles said. "She is probably at Xander's apartment."

"Well then let's get the hell outta here," Swedish Bob exclaimed.

The gang crowded into Giles�s Red BMW, Plot Devices badly battered BMW, and Swedish Bob's Hyundai. "Drive like the wind," QC advised. "And Bracken, don't pee on the upholstery, ok." Bracken sighed and nodded in agreement.

*********Interlude********************

Unbeknownst to the Enlarged Scooby gang Heatherosa was aware of their every move. She looked into her crystal ball, and laughed. She stood up from her throne and admired her Burger King crown the mirror. "Soon, very soon," she thought to herself, "the world shall belong to me." "Berry!" she bellowed, "bring me some more Gouda. I will deal with those fools in time." Berry entered the throne room and handed Heatherosa a plate of cheese.

"Anything else great one?" She asked.

"Yes, have Anthony prepare another teleportation spell, I must return to Sunnydale and stop those morons. And tell him to take off that damn Saylor Jupiter Costume!"

Heatherosa savored the Gouda and gazed into her crystal ball. "So, you think the ex-demon will help you then? We'll see about that, won't we."

Berry again entered the throne room. "Oh great one, Anthony said the teleportation spell is nearly ready."

"Excellent."

"Oh most magnanimous one, forgive me for asking but have you been talking to yourself again."

Heatherosa looked around the room and hid the crystal ball behind her back. "Oh course not, don't be ridiculous."

********End of Interlude*****************************

The Scoobies arrived at Xander's apartment. They were unsure of how to tell Anya that her fianc� was dead. They knew in their hearts that she would want to carry on the good fight though. The knocked on the door, but no one answered. "Hello, is anyone home then?" Giles asked politely. Liz swooned at Giles�s demeanor. After no one answered Buffy (who was still good for some things broker down the door using her slayer strength.

The gang burst through the door to find Anya and Xander making out on the couch!

"Xander!" Buffy cried out. "You aren't dead!"

"What, whoa, who is dead? No one is dead!." Xander yelled as he got up off the couch and zipped his pants? "And um, don't you people know how to knock?"

"Well, I am not dead, that's for sure," Doyle interjected.

"I am dead," Spike added. "Well technically, Un-Dead, but you all know what I mean."

"Yes, what are you voyeurs?" Anya asked. She was obviously upset that they had been so rudely interrupted.

"But you were with me and your head exploded when the Tom Jones Vampires attacked us in the cemetery," Willow explained.

"I can't be dead, I have a contract for two more years," Xander explained.

"Oh no, that must have been the M�nage-a-Xander Bot Warren made for me," Anya explained. "See, ever since Xander was split in two I had this crazy fantasy and one day I decided to call up Warren and make it a reality. We probably should have told you but we didn't want you guys to think we were perverts or anything."

"Whatever would make us think that?" Giles asked sarcastically.

"Why are you here anyway?" Xander asked?

"It's bad," Buffy began, "really bad, like usually middle to late May bad."

Liz pushed Buffy out the way. "Let me explain," she began. "It's Heatherosa." Liz explained the night's events to Xander and Anya, leaving out only the details about Bracken peeing on Buffy's carpeting, because that was just too gross.

"Well, I am an expert on Demon Dimensions," Anya said, "and I have heard rumors and legends about Heatherosa. She is supposed to be unstoppable."

"That isn't what we wanted to hear," Spike snarled. He, QC, Mini-QC, and Swedish Bob had taken a cigarette break whilst Liz explained everything.

"We had better get to the magic shop and do some research," said Giles.

"A wise choice," said QC. "Knowledge is our greatest weapon against the great darkness which threatens Sunnydale.

As the gang left the apartment, Silver approached Anya. "So this Warren guy, he does good work?"

"Oh yes!" Anya's face lit up as she explained, "When I was with both Xander and the M�nage-A-Xander Bot, sometimes I would forget which was which. Are you thinking a about ordering a robot too?"

"Well we were all fooled by the Xander Bot," Silver explained.

"Yeah, Warren made him accurate down to the little brown mole on his left..." Anya blushed and blurted out ... "his left nostril. Nostril yes."

Doyle, who by virtue of his enhanced demon-hearing had caught too much of this conversation for his own good, raced outside to Giles�s car and yelled, "Shotgun!"

"Damn," Liz thought to herself.

Anya, still quietly discussing the virtues of sex bots with Silver quickly changed the subject. "Are you thinking of ordering a robot for you and Sophie to share?"

"Maybe," Silver whispered, "but I was thinking of one just for me, ya know what I mean."

"Of whom?" Anya asked?

"Silver's right eye caught a glimpse of Spike as he walked towards Swedish Bob's Hyundai. "Oh, I have someone in mind." She said blankly.

*****************

Doyle, Giles, Buffy and willow were all in Giles' red BMW, with Doyle behind the wheel. (not having his license just yet) he kinda put his foot on the pedal a bit too quickly and zoomed off.

"does he even know where he's going?" liz asked no one in particular. liz, xander, Anya, sophie and bracken all crammed into Plot Device's beaten up BMW. "you stay here, Plot Device, and uh...guard the house." liz instructed. Plot Device grumbled "who died and made her the boss?"

spike, qc and SB all had a good smoke in SB's Hyundai while waiting for silver. "come on, sil! we're not getting any healthier." qc yelled out. silver came a runnin' and hopped in SB's car.

liz drove off first as she knew where to find Heatherosa, "don't ask how. it's like a sixth sense. i can smell the stench of cheese from her.", "no, no, that would be one of the five." sophie stated. SB followed liz to wherever she was going.

meanwhile, Doyle was lost. "i think maybe i might be kinda somewhat lost." Doyle stated. "understatement!" Buffy shrieked, "i shoulda gotten in the car with the three smokers!". "calm down, Buffy, geez. now all we gotta do is read the map and I�m sure we'll know where we are." Doyle tried to calm Buffy down. everyone got out of the car and stood on the side of the road with their thumbs sticking upwards to hitch a ride. Doyle was left in the car searching on the map for their location.

back at Buffy's house, Plot Device found she wasn't all alone - they'd all forgotten to take mini-qc with them. "hellu, mini-qc" Plot Device said in a menacingly kinda subtle way. mini-qc knew something was up with Plot Device when Plot Device pulled a knife on mini-qc. Plot Device grabbed mini-qc round the throat and began choking the midget till mini-qc remembered something she'd seen in 'primeval' (second last ep of S4) she stuck the burning cigarette end in Plot Devices eye and was freed. mini-qc ran upstairs (as ppl do in these types of horror predicaments).

the battered old BMW and the Hyundai stopped outside a towering castle in the middle of nowhere. "you know what I�ve never noticed round these parts?" spike asked no one in particular, "a big honking castle?" Giles supplied, "a big honking castle." spike answered his own question.

"and where's all this mist coming from?" silver asked. "you do know, it woulda been smart to bring some weapons with us and maybe like, THE SLAYER!" Anya shouted for no particular reason. QC stood proud, no need for a slayer when qc's on the case. she led the crew up the hill to heatherosa's castle. "that's not mist, btw," spike told silver, "it's just all the smoke from our cigarettes."

*****************

"Hey Boss, we've completed phase version 1.6 Omega," Anthony called from the door way. Heather gave a slight smile as she purred, "Good, now on to phase version 4.8 Alpha!" Berry & Anthony came puttering into the room dragging a chained and *very* naked Seth Green. "Here ya go, one chained and very naked Seth Green, just like the author told us to say." Blink. "What author?" Heather asked, looking around. "Look, oh mighty and bringer of paychecks, we've gotta talk. The Sailor outfits were bad enough, but *this*," Anthony motions to his & Berry's new outfits, "is just fusked up. C'mon, the Teletubbies?" "You're just bitter because I got to be Po and you got stuck being Tinky Winky." Berry's next comment on how fabulous the red purse was resulted in a swift kick to the ass.

*****************

After everyone had finally gathered outside the castle, Sophie reached out to ring the doorbell. qc swatted her hand away at the last minute. �We can�t yet!� she stage-whispered. �We have to wait for mini-qc! She�s the bloody key, remember?�

At just that moment, mini-qc came riding up on a mini-Harley, which qc had had made especially for her little clone. mini-qc hopped off of the pint-sized motorcycle, and scurried up to the front of the castle to join the others. Watching her climbing up the steps one by one, Spike mused �now THAT�S a nibblet.�

Once she arrived, Sophie reached out again to ring the doorbell. They all heard it sound inside the castle, and long moments passed before they finally heard a movement within. There was a scuffling behind the door, and with a tremendous creaking sound the heavy door was pulled open by��.RiffRaff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Bracken swooned. �Oh my God, Riff Raff! Wow, what are you doing here?�

RiffRaff scowled. �Well, despite the RHPS�s continued success as a cult classic, I fear that my acting career has gone nowhere. I�ve gotten one minor role in one minor box office draw in the past 15 years! Now the only work I can find is that of a Butler, opening the doors of castles for a pittance!�

Bracken practically jumped into his arms. �But you�re so HOT!� she sighed.

�Hot?!� Spike exclaimed. �You think THIS bloke�s HOT? He�s undead-er than I am!�

silver snickered, and Bracken shot her a glare. �He�s cute, I tell you!�

Swedish Bob shuddered, putting out his cigarette. �Sorry, Brack. But you�ll never convince the rest of us.� Chuckling lightly, the rest of the group moved into the foyer of the castle. As they started to delve into the gloom, Liz looked back. �Bracken, you coming?�

Bracken looked around, not meeting Liz�s eyes. �Um�well actually, I was kinda thinking that maybe I should�you know�stay here and watch the door, or something. In case someone else�.shows up, you know.�

Liz nodded suspiciously, and headed after the others. As the walked away, qc muttered to herself��gonads and strife, gonads and strife, gonads and strife�..�

This set silver off, and everyone else was forced to listen to her maniacal squirrel-impersonation. �And Oh My God, that�s so funny, �cause when I went home I said to my Dad WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!�

Doyle, not knowing what the hell anyone was talking about, passed the time by occasionally shouting out �Redrum!�

And as the group faded from site, Bracken and RiffRaff started making out.

(readers, borrowed from the Buffy and Angel parodies, just for this particular moment): Ewwwwwwwwww!

*****************

Leaving bracken and riff raff to, well, do their thang... Liz and co. made their way further into the spontaneously created castle. The sound of voices drew them to a large antechamber near the centre of the building. Here they spied the evil crew squabbling over their telletubby attire (the argument had now escalated to include knives and shards of glass). Liz, QC (and mini qc), Doyle, SB, anya and spike crept silently into various positions around the room. Heatherosa was about to slam her meaty fist upon an unruly Anthony�s head, when she suddenly stopped. Tentatively, she sniffed the air, and her blood-shot eyes darted warily around the room. Liz, who was fiddling with her blouse, did not even see Heatherosa�s ginormous arm shoot out and grab her. Screaming, Liz called for help.

SB and Spike simultaneously jumped out from their hiding places and charged at the beast. They didn�t care that they had no weapons, or that they were relatively weak. They knew they could always rely on their quick wits�god bless them. Spike let out a blood curdling cry and bit into Heatherosa�s drumstick�errr�.leg. Crimson blood flowed, but it was a mere flesh wound for the terrible beast. With ease, she scooped up the two males in her hand and applied some pressure. �Now I could kill you both very easily right now� she stated with a grin. �But I am feeling really, really kind today so you only have to do one thing for me, and I shall let you both go free�. �Anything! Spike blurted, the pressure becoming excrutiating. Heatherosa set the two down on the ground. �Ok�. dance!�. Spike and SB looked at each other warily, and tried to make a break for an exit. But Heatherosa�s floosies were already guarding any possible escape route. Resignedly, spike and SB started to shake their money-makers. �NO!� screamed heather, �dance more sex-ily!�. SB and spike tried to accommodate as best they could; meanwhile, Doyle was gagging loudly from the corner. Producing a large wad of cash from her pocket, Heather exclaimed �Ok, now Kiss!!!� SB and spike stoped dancing and looked at her, crossing their arms. �Whhhhhaaaaat?� heather whined pitifully, �you guys like to see that kinda thing, why can�t I???�.

Somehow in the confusion (and i mean CONFUSION), Liz had managed to escape unnoticed from the sweaty palm of the heather-beast. A plan formed in her mind....

*****************

turns out Doyle was gagging not because of SB's and Spike's dancing, but because he was being choked by seth green (one of heatherosa's cronies (not to mention her pet:). SB and Spike saw this out of the corner of their eyes. heatherosa was slightly distracted by tiny pebbles being thrown at her face. yes, liz's plan was to throw rocks at heatherosa till she let SB and Spike go.

"what?" liz asked when someone said "*this* is your plan?". SB and Spike were released from the evil heather beats's grasp and ran to meet the others. or rather, Spike emt the others but SB went to help Doyle who was being choked by seth green.

SB quietly snuck up behind SG and then tapped him on his back, he turned around and *WHAM* SB clonked the constant hair-changing ex-btvs reg square in the jaw. SG's head snapped back and was dazed enough to release Doyle who ran to meet the others. SB and SG faced/off. "i owe you an unpleasent death, Mr. Bob" SG snarled as he launched himself at SB's throat.

"what's with seth green and throats?" Doyle said, seeing what was happening to SB. the others were all out of rocks to throw. "what now, liz?" practically everyone asked at the same time. liz blinked. "don't ask me. the bloody midget's the key!" qc and mini-qc stepped forward from the group to confront heatherosa. meanwhile, heatherosa's two badly dressed cronies (ant and berry) captured the rest of the group and led them to prison cells deep within the bowels of the castle. "has anyone else realised that there's two of them and like, a vast number of us?" Buffy asked anyone who was listening. "shut-up, Buffy!" liz instructed. Buffy obliged.

"you've got thirty seconds to convice me not to kill you." heatehrosa's voice vibrated the floor. "i have a propasition for you," qc began...

*****************

The heroes found themselves locked in a dark and particularly dank room in the dungeon of Heaterosa's castle. Swedish Bob coughed. "What's wrong Sweedy?" Sophie asked. Were you wounded in your battle with Seth Green?

"No, I am a little allergic to mold that's all," Swedish Bob explained.

"We have to get out of here and stop Heatherosa," Buffy whined. "We haven't failed to stop an apocalypse yet," she added, "and this won't be the fist time."

"Oh great," thought Liz, "Buffy finally gets a spine."

"I have an idea," said Willow. "Do you guys remember the teleportation spell Tara and I used against Glory? Well, I have been working on it and I think that I can teleport us to the throne room where we can fight Heatherosa."

"Yes Willow, but that spell is very complicated and dangerous. It made you ill the last time you used it...is it safe to try it now?" Giles asked. Liz swooned.

"Do you have the ingredients you need?" Silver asked.

"Well, not exactly, but we can improvise," Willow explained. For the spell to work I need the following magical items." She went through the list of ingredients:

"A magical orb," Willow began.

"Check," said Giles.

"You carry a magical orb with you?" Asked Spike who was smoking with Swedish Bob in the corner of the cell.

"One never know when they will come in handy," Giles explained.

"Some English soil." Willow continued.

"Check," Sophie yelled as she scraped her shoe.

"The urine of a righteous woman," Willow continued.

"Check," said Bracken as she crouched on the ground in from of Willow.

"Um, ok then, I also need some magical herbs."

"I have a packet of pepper from Wendy's drive-through," Silver volunteered and took the packet of pepper out of her pocket.

"Close enough," said Willow.

"Now, I need to capture some morning fog. But it is still dark out. Damn it!"

"Sorry love, but second-hand smoke will have to suffice," Spike announced. He and Swedish Bob came to the center of the room and began smoking like fiends. Willow bellowed the smoke towards the other ingredients and began the incantation....

"We must all concentrate on the Throne Room, think of the Throne Room, that is where we want to be." The group concentrated together, well expect for Bracken and Liz who had their own plans.

Bracken thought to herself that she would personally rather be back in the Foyer with Riff Raff, but what the hell, she concentrated on the spell also. Liz meanwhile had an unexplained psychic vibe that there was something in the kitchen and she wished herself there. The room began spinning for all the Scoobies and they faded away.....

Meanwhile, in Heatherosa's throne room QC was trying to buy time. Heatherosa sat on her purple throne savouring some imported Brie while QC explained her position to the beast. Seth Green was chained at her side and Heatherosa teased him by holding some cheese just beyond his reach.

"That is your offer?" She laughed at QC. "Berry, Anthony, take this wretched woman and her little clone to the dungeon with their loony friends and that whiney slayer."

Anthony and Berry approached QC and Mini-QC with chains ready to subdue them.

"Wait Heatherosa," QC said bravely, "if you do not accept my offer then I will perform the ritual on Mini-QC that will open the dimensional walls and this world will slip into the Real Without Cheese!"

Heatherosa stood up, "You wouldn't, you couldn't. As if Mini-QC is really that powerful." Heatherosa raised her arm to blast the two QC's with energy when they heard a large crash in the back of the room.

The enlarged Scooby Gang had emerged from the teleportation spell, sans Bracken who had reappeared in the foyer with Riff Raff. "Hey lovely, I wondered when you were coming back," he asked. They smooched again.

In the throne room Swedish Bob and Spike made another foolhardy attempt to fight Heatherosa. "I thought I told you two to kiss damn it!" She bellowed. She threw lightning bolts at the two knocking them to the ground. She walked over and picked them up by their bleached hair and said, "Heatherosa gets what she wants. Come one boys..." While Swedish Bob and Spike approached each other with trepidation, Heatherosa commanded her minions to attack the remaining Scoobies.

*****************

Creeping silently downstairs towards the castle's stylish yet functional kitchens, Liz thought she might be onto something. It was the smell. She knew she had found the Heatherosa-beast's weakness. Well, the weakness that wasn't about naked Seth Greens in bondage, anyway.

Using her heretofore unmentioned, yet very sexy and powerful, empathic connection with Giles, she beckoned him to her. He would be the lynchpin for the operation. Or the fight would detour, in which case he wouldn't. But since Buffy's whiny ass was gonna be completely useless until such time as she could figure out how to make the fight all about her again, the struggle against Heatherosa would have to go on without her.

Giles reached the darkness of the kitchens, understanding the plan at once. Of course! The cheese! The very thing to weaken the demonic might of the beast!

Upstairs, Spike and SB were doing an awful job of fooling Heatherosa into thinking they were actually kissing by doing that hand over the mouth thing. It only made her madder. And as her fury grew, an eerie wind began to whip around the room, blowing over ancient tomes and completely overturning Heatherosa's collection of erotic sculptures. Damnit, that tore it! NOW she was pissed!!

From her post at the front door, Bracken could hear the malestrom booming. She had to make a split-second decision - keep waiting for them here, or come to the aid of her friends. She tossed RiffRaff aside and bolted inside and up the stairs, where she took a second to take in the carnage. Teletubbies were being tossed about, their tummies jangling madly. Silver, Sophie and Spike had been flung in a tangled, yet oddly smiling, pile in the corner. As the shards of glass whipped about furiously, Doyle was clinging desperately to an armchair, staggered by the winds but shouting bravely that despite Heatherosa's tantrum, Glory could still take her. And tacos, damnit! Tacos!! SB was doing his best to protect Anya from the knives whirling about. Anthony was smartly sheilding himself as best he could with the diminuitive Mini-qc. QC herself was searching about madly, dodging bits of glass, trying to reach the overturned sculpture "Ode to an Angel in a Bathtub" to hide behind. Everyone was screaming into the wind. They still knew they could take the beast, but they needed an opening! Damnit, at this rate, they'd be killed! And that would completely suck!

As Bracken surveyed this scene of tornadic fury, she did the only thing a sane, reasonable woman could possibly do. Peed all over the rug. Then bolted back down the stairs before she was caught in the winds along with the others. As she streaked for the door, still hoping to catch them before they arrived, she bumped into a determined-looking Giles with a pungent hunk of cheese in his hand, headed into the fray. They stopped a moment, exchanged knowing glances, then continued to their posts, both of them understanding what it was they had to do...

*****************

sophie: WAIT! can't we all just TALK about this calmly and rationally??

cut to:

Jerry Springer: hello, and welcome to todays show!

sophie sitting on the stage looking very confused: this SO isn't what i had in mind...i meant we should like, all sit round, havea pot of tea and a plate of scones and talk things through calmly...rolls her eyes i guess we'll have to deal with it the american way tho...

Jerry: sophie, welcome to the show! so, how did this whole situation come about?

sophie, politely:what situation??

Jerry: you're the one writing this, how the *bleep* am i meant to know?

sophie: well, i can't follow the story, so i don't know either!

Jerry: great. juuuuuuuuust great. well, tell us a little bit about yourself...

sophie: well, i'm 16. i'm english. and very innocent.

Jerry: card magically appears in his hand oh.. reading the card but isn't it true that you once gave a lapdance to your FRIENDS husband??

sophie: what? WHERE did you hear that?? i'm gonna fucking kill whoever tol....i mean, i don't know what you are talking about halo magically appears over her head

Jerry: well, lets give a big warm welcome to... reads from the card guest number two....huh??

Dircector, into jerry's earpiece: he refused to give his name.

Jerry: umm, ok. please welcome guest number two!

Guest Number Two: sits down hey jerry.

Jerry: so, DID you cheat on your wife with this girl??

GNT: of COURSE not. i mean, she IS my second choice. well, third after glory. and probably fourth now after amy acker, but i would NEVER cheat on my wife!

Jerry: and how did SHE view this whole thing??

GNT: she was kinda mad for a while, but she knows i love her.

Jerry: really?? well, lets welcome anya!!

Anya: come running out hey jerry!!

Jerry: so, how do YOU feel about your husbands betrayal??

Anya: oh, i know he didnt betray me, he loves me as i love him. and sophie's apologised. she's my friend and i know she wouldn't do anything to jepordise that.

sophie: of COURSE i wouldn't! the two stand up and hug, as they sit down, sophie winks at doyle so anya can't see

From the back:

voice: HA! SEEEEEEEEE!

sophie, yelling angrily: EAT ME SIL!

From the back:

voice: *the reply has been deemed inappropriate for broadcast*

Jerry, not seeing the wink): stares in shock why are you guys HUGGING?? what the *bleep* is up with that?? you're meant to FIGHT! screw the mushy crap....get to the hair pulling!

Anya: but violence doesn't solve anything...

Jerry: get the *bleep* off my show!! SECURITY! looks around security???

Backstage:

Big mean lookin' guy from jerry springer: it's hard, you know?? sniffs everyone just sees me as this big mean guy with no feelings. but i'm a person too! but no-one bother's to get to know me...

Uff and Harmony, sitting opposite him in teh green room, sipping tea: oh, we totally understand! i mean, everyone sees us as these insane freaks who think they're two people, but...on the inside, below that psychotic, crazy, fucking up exterior, there's a sane, normal alien from the planet czljfsldjtiowa, who just doesnt know how normal people on earth behave...

Back to the main stage:

Jerry: HELLO??? SECIRTY!!!!!

Backstage:

Director: find some security men!

couple of minutes later, just backstage:

LaVelle, being pushed towards the stage by the director: you want me to WHAT???

Director, shoving a 'jerry springer cap' onto leo's head: you'll be FINE!

LaVelle: look, i just came here to talk about my movie... now pushed onto the main stage, looks around at the audience and freezes ohhhh boy...

Jerry: at LAST! please remove that girl from the stage! points at anya she is not worthy of being on jerry springer.

LaVelle, finding his voice: she's not a transvestite, inbred, white trash ho who's sleeping with her best friends dog??

Jerry: i know! isn't it AWFUL!

LaVelle: umm. yeah. sure. tries to slowly back off the stage, spies the director pointing a gun at his head and freezes again

Jerry: so! get rid of her!

LaVelle: looks around helplessly ummm... sighs and walks towards anya i'm sorry...

Anya: WHAT?? you're helping him throw me off the show??

LaVelle: sorry....really, very sorry.. .lifts anya up and throws her over his shoulder and runs off the stage

Jerry: ok, now what was i saying?? ahh yes another card appears in his hand sophie, isn't it true that you're also engaged to a woman who shares a body with sound suddenly goes off, jerry keeps talkign anyway, suddenly , it comes back ???

sophie: well, yeah...maybe.

Jerry: so, lets give a warm welcome to silver!!!

applause

no-one comes out

Jerry: silver??? pause *bleep* SECURITY!!

Backstage:

Leo: now what?? hides under a table

cut to:

Bracken: where did she go???

Liz: i don't know. wasn;t she sweedy last time i checked??

qc: we have to find her!

On the main stage:

Jerry: umm...while we're waiting... looks around helplessly

Backstage, liz and adj are searching:

liz: where can he be??

adj: let's check this cupboard

liz, opening the door: what the hell?? steps inside

adj: liz??? follows her woah...

Main Stage:

GNT has the mic and is stading center stage, singing: dead puppies aren;t much fun!

sophie, with her head in her hands: oh dear lord...

Backstage, qc searchign

qc: SWEEEEEDY! looks out of the window OMG! NICKY BRENDON!!!!!

Main stage:

Jerry is drinking heavily from a hip flask: heeeeeeeeeeelp...

Bracken, searching next to the stage:

Bracken: sweedy?? there you are!

sweedy, sitting next to the large speaker next to the stage, adjusting the knobs: huh? did you say something??

Bracken, looking at the speaker: wow, i've never seen one as big as that! stares, mesmorised wowowow... shudders look, silver's needed on stage... tries to drag sweedy away from teh speaker

Mainstage:

Director, pushes anthony and berry, dressed as telletubbies, onto the stage: look, he can't sing the freakin song for a fifth time! just, make something up!

Cut to liz and adj:

liz: where the heck are we???

adj, looking at a lampost: i think we might be in narnia!

liz: WHAT???

b1, coming up behind them: thank GOD you've found me!

liz & adj: beautyone!!!!!!!!!!!

Mainstage:

ant and berry, trying to act out a scene from romeo and juiliet in their telletubby outfits

ant: a rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet..

berry: that's MY line!

ant: fine! my only love has sprung from my only hate!

berry: oh for gods sake! stop taking my lines!

ant: but you get all the best ones!

berry, rolling her eyes: romeo, romeo, where for art thou romeo! looks down that would so be more dramtic if i wasnt dressed as a tellytubby...

jerry: what is this? like, from like, SNL or something??

Bracky and sweedy:

Bracky: come ON! we have to go!

Sweedy: i can't!!

Bracky: look, i know it's hard to stop once you've started, but you can finish later! sil's needed on stage!

sweedy: but...i...i..morphs into sil

sil: oh thank GOD.

Mainstage:

ant, cradling the dead(or, seemingly dead) berry in his arms, still dressed as telletubbys: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep bleepbleepbleeeeeeeep bleep*

bracken, from the back: he wasn't swearing! for once...

sophie, wiping her eyes: i know, but i don�t know what the *bleep* the actually said at that part in Romeo and Juliet, and that way, i don�t have to write it...

Jerry, popping some pills: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

cut to qc, frantically trying to find the way out:

qc: sheesh, this place is a maze...opens a door UFF! HARMONY! big mean lookin' body guard dude??? tilts her head to once side ok, what are you doing?? tilts it more eww... that's just kinky! stops oh god. what's happened to me? i've become everything i've ever hated!!!!!!! runs down the corridor

Main stage:

berry and ant, bowing: thank you, thank you!!

audience, stare in confused silence

audience member: was like, all that like, even, like, english????!?!?!?

sophie and GNT: wake up huh? what? is it over??

Jerry: ok, i'm now getting work that silver IS now ready...so, here we have..SILVER!

bracky shoves silver onto the stage

sil: turns around to face bracky OUCH! looks around oh, hey everyone!! sits down

Jerry: so, silver..

ground starts to shake

Jerry: what the...??

sophie, GNT, silver and offstage anya and bracken and���. under the table leo: OH NO!!!! IT'S HEATHEROSA!!!!!

Jerry: looking through his cards WHO?

*****************

the audience along with the guests onstage all run for the exits, leaving Mr. Springer confused and strangely lonely.

Jerry: What the fusk?

the ground starts to shake more violently the chairs and badly constructed set start to fly with exreme speed. All of a sudden the roof flys off of the Jerry Springer studio.

Jerry *looking up*: I should've listened to mom and became a fisherman.

He begins to scream as a house ala wizard of Oz comes crashing down on him, Squishing him like a bug.

Somewhere off in the distence a cheer can be heard followed by an audible Ewwwww

Mean while outside in the parking lot:

Everyone is huddled in the farthest corner of the lot trying to figure out what in the world to do.

Beautyone: Heatherosa is going to find us, AND KILL US!!!!! OMIGOD!!!! Shes begins to jump up and down in hystaria.

Sophie, grabing B1 by the shoulders: Shhh calm down.

When Beauty doesn't sophie steals a small bottle of vodka from Liz's backpack, and forces Beauty to drink it.

Sil, who was watching this: That's it!

Everyone turns to look at her: Thats What?

Cut To: the inside of the demolished Jerry Springer Studios

Heatherosa, quite pissed that everyone left: Where the *Bleep* did everyone go?

All of a sudden, Heatherosa hushes her minions who are despritley trying to escape from the teletubbies costumes. A small groan comes from behind the door to the green room. Heatherosa rips the door open revealing UFF and Harmony AND Steve (the big mean security guy) doing that kinky stuff. Heatherosa: Ewwww! get a room!

Realising they�re in a room.

Heatherosa: get another room!

When the three don't hear her, Heatherosa points at them and suddenly they dissipear.

Cut to: Hell:

UFF: Damn, I wasn't ready to go home yet!

Cut to

Back in the parking lot:

qc: Ok so we got everything?

Anya, the big organised freak: Well I made a check list and I numbered everything according to its value in our project...

everyone looks at her

Anya: I also alphbatized it and- hey where's everyone going? everyone turns around and begins to walk away Anya: Guys!!!...GUYS!!!

Bracken: Ok so, the plan is to get Heatherosa as drunk as possible...

ADJ: So she'll surrender

Alex: I thought that maybe we could get her really high too!

Doyle: that could work too!

Sophie: You guys! we can't do that! This is a family show!!!

Sil: Since when? She then turns to the camera's: *Bleepbleepbleepitybleepbleep* aawww Fusk!!!!! it's rated 14A!!!

Alex: Sweet! We can still keep the drugs and alcohol!!!

Everyone high-fives eachother.

Leo:Ok so here's the plan again: We all sneak in except for SB-

Sil turns into SB

Leo: Alex, and Spike. Hey, wheres Spike.

he looks around

Bracken shrugs

Leo sighs: Ok well it looks like I have to go in then.

Beautyone: So you guys go in wearing the *disgusted look on her face* Thongs, and dance to Bootylicious.

Doyle and ADJ both start laughing and pointing hystarically at all three of the poor guys.

Sophie: Then I flash SG while Doyle and ADJ kidnap Ant, and Sil, Beauty, and Anya will kidnap Berry...

Liz: thats where Bracky and I pour the liquor in Heatherosa's drink.

Bracky: This plan is so going to work!

Everyone High Fives again

Adj: Lets just hope nothing goes wrong...

*****************

previously, on the never ending story...

Buffy was anorexic, and got tackled by Plot Device for sleeping with SB. SB tried to stop the fray, only to turn into silver, with SB�s thong up her ass. Buffy cried and was a whiny bitch and went home. Spike and Xander and Willow showed up, and everyone suffered from the evil crooning of the Three Tom Jones�s, before they were all decapitated by Giles, but not before Xander�s head imploded. Spike and Willow went to tell Buffy about Xander�s death, and silver and sophie went home to find their house a ruin. The whole gang met up at Buffy�s and realized that the evil Heatherosa was on the loose. They discovered this when she stomped through the ceiling and smooshed silver. From the ooze was reborn SB, who was no longer sharing a body with the newly-dead sil. Cut to Heatherosa in her BK crown, and her pawns, Anthony and Berry dressed up in SailorMoon outfits, making evil plans, and in general just cavorting in that evil way. Back at Buffy�s house, the gang reassembled after the un-assembling that had taken place after the untimely breaking-in of the roof by Heatherosa�s foot, and were able to bring silver back to life. They were drawn out to the lawn by the sound of a helicopter dropping off qc and her clone, mini-qc. After some Buffy-death, perpetrated by qc and silver, we learned that mini-qc is the key to defeating Heatherosa.

Somewhere along the line, Buffy was brought back to life (natch), and Doyle came running up from�.somwhere, with extraordinary hearing due to his half-demon parentage. The gang decided they needed Anya�s expertise, and set off to find her, after first deciding that Buffy was stupid for not realizing that the bad guys had finally figured out how to throw her off; by attacking way before sweeps. At Anya�s place, the gang was shocked to find Xander still alive! Turned out the Xander whose head had imploded had been a sex-bot created for Anya by Warren. The gang split up and headed over toward Heatherosa�s...a never-before-seen great big honking castle. Unfortunately, they�d left mini-qc and Plot Device alone together, but mini-qc was able to avoid Plot Devices�s pathetic attempts to kill her, and met up with the rest of the gang at the castle, once Doyle had figured out the directions. Plot device plotted her revenge.

They were let into the castle by RiffRaff from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, whom Bracken started making out with once the others had headed further into the castle. Meanwhile, on the upper levels, Heatherosa awaited the gang, and forced Berry and Anthony to run around in Teletubby outfits. The gang found them thusly engaged, and a short scuffle ensued, during which SB and Spike found themselves forced to make out for Heatherosa�s pleasure, Doyle got choked by Seth Green, and Liz managed to escape back to the lower levels. The gang got locked in a dungeon, where Willow came up with a spell to free them using Bracken�s urine and Spike and SB and mini-qc�s second-hand smoke. They engaged Heatherosa in battle once again after qc�s failed peacetalks, and she continued her persistance in trying to get Spike and SB to kiss.

In the lower levels, Liz drew Giles to her using an empathic connection, and together they devised a plan to defeat Heatherosa involving cheese. Upstairs, all hell was breaking loose in Heatherosa�s throne room.

Meanwhile, the gang takes a short, but very confusing break on the set of the Jerry Springer Show, where Doyle and Sophie and Anya are the focus. Thereafter follows a short search for silver/Swedish Bob, and SB is found compulsively adjusting his speaker. Heatherosa shows up and squashes Jerry Springer.

and now...on to chapter 27...

* qc types furiously, attempting to write the next chapter before her final hour of internet time runs out. Like pee through Bracken, qc�s stream of consciousness runs deep, and her words flow swiftly. But not swift enough! Just as she types the last brilliantly-worded phrase, her time runs out, and she is unceremoniously booted.*

�Farquing HELL!� she shouts in frustration, pulling at her hair.

Meanwhile, back at the castle...

Mini-qc jumped in surprise as everyone popped back into the throne room. �Where the fuck were you guys?� she said, in a miniature version of qc�s potty-mouth.

silver stood up, stunned. �I�m not sure. But there was this big beefy bald guy named Steve, and an old pervert with glasses who used to be the mayor of my city�.but all I really remember is this speaker...this...huge speaker. It...it dominates my vision...� silver put a hand up to her head a la Dru; woozy.

Swedish Bob cut her off quickly. �We were on the set of the Jerry Springer Show,� he said. �Though I�m not sure how we got there, nor how we got back.�

qc and Sophie shared a look. �Americans!� they snorted, simultaneously.

�Hey, I resent that!� Beautyone shouted.

�B!� Doyle exclaimed. �When did you get here?!�

�Just now,� Beautyone replied. �I just got back from the latest of our vacations. And this one sucked too. And there wasn�t even any cool sandwich-throwing this time.�

silver grinned. �Heh. That�s nothing compared to our amazing fish-throwing, is it, Liz?� she looked around, and didn�t see her partner in fish-throwing crime anywhere. �Liz?�

Meanwhile, around the corner....

Liz met up with Giles, and each carried a stinky wheel of cheese. �All right,� Liz whispered to the leather-clad watcher, �for the sake of this story I know how mini-qc is the key. What you and I are going to do is, at the same time, roll these cheese wheels from opposite directions across the throne rooms. Since they were created in her image, Berry and Anthony will be helpless to resist following them. Heatherosa will be alone in the throne room, and qc can start her ritual. On my mark, okay?�

Giles nodded, and Liz left him to circle the room and stand ready at the other door, her wheel of cheese at the ready. Now, she just had to wait for the right moment. As Heatherosa once again began battling the gang, Liz caught silver�s eye and nodded, once. silver nodded back, and reached up under her skirt.

From amid the bedlam, Sophie looked back and saw the direction silver�s hands had taken. �Um...sil?� she asked, �do you really think this is the right time?�

�Trust me,� silver grinned. �I�ve got a plan.� With that she removed the dreaded thong she�d been stuck (ha ha) with since the beginning of the story...er...night, and held it up triumphantly. �A slingshot!� she proclaimed. �A total David and Goliath moment! Now all I need is something to put in it!�

As one, the room shrank away from her in dread, and silver scowled. �Oh come on, it�s not that bad!�

Liz saw her opportunity and shouted �now!� to Giles. They rolled the cheese wheels across the floor in opposite directions, and Berry and Anthony ran after them mindlessly.

�Get back in here!� Heatherosa shouted petulantly��and bring me those cheese wheels, while you�re at it!�

Just then, Plot Device burst into the room, armed to the teeth with knives. �At last, I have come to take my revenge!� she shouted triumphantly. Her triumph turned to shock and outrage, however, when Doyle grabbed her and thrust her at silver.

�Here!� he shouted. �For the slingshot!�

silver nodded, and drew back the thong like Robin Hood with his bow, as Doyle manuvered Plot Device into the distasteful underwear. (ew!!! not distasteful like THAT!) With a * thwap! * she released the elastic thong and Plot Device went soaring into the air. She smacked with a thud into Heatherosa�s forehead, stunning the gargantuan creature.

�Now, qc!� SB shouted. �Perform the ritual!�....

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qc looked around. Frankly, she had no idea what the fuck was going on. Still in her pyjamas at 12:34 p.m., and having lost her last chapter to the First Evil, SENet, she was following the events of the day even less than she had been beforehand. Just to top things off, someone had stolen her normal... relaxants, and replaced them with actual cigarettes. What was the fun in that?

She turned around, desperate and confused, looking for something, anything, a friend. Her eyes fell upon sil - and something inside her snapped. She couldn't take it anymore, and set upon sil with furious but ultimately impotent (shut up) fists.

"I'm evil! I'M EVIL!!!!!! AND I SUCK AT HTML!!!"

sil rolled her eyes. "Dude. Just chill."

"Chill? CHILL?!?! What is this thing "chill" you speak of? I'm EVIL, damnit! Check out my vocabulary! I'm EVIL!"

"Dude. We know."

The banshee wail stopped as abruptly as it had begun. "You do?" A sniffle.

"Of course. Just calm down, okay? You'll always be my Bitch o' Evil and all that."

"You're not just saying that?" A glimmer of hope.

"Of course. You're evil, and we all know it."

Aww. "I thought you didn't know. Sorry."

"No problem."

"Wild."

qc wandered off, happy in the knowledge that she had a place in the world, and donning her dead sexy leather again, ditching the pyjamas to whatever plothole they came from. For a moment, everyone forgot about all the terror and danger that their lives had become on a regular basis. A polite cough turned sil around.

A familiar, horny (mua) figure struggled with a smaller, balding one, trying desperately to keep his platter upright.

"Lorne?" sil whispered, stunned. In the background, qc rammed an umbrella through Buffy's neck and sprung the opening mechanism, popping her whiny head off. qc was slightly surprised when Buffy turned to dust... but really, it explained a lot. She'd have to get Bracken to pee on the ashes later, thus ensuring that she'd never rise again. (The mystical qualities of Bracken's pee were quite immense.) She smiled. Wasn't such a bad day after all.

Over the other side of the room, all the other characters that the narcissistic and long-winded author has been neglecting were doing something really quite astonishing.

But, back to the action....

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Lorne forced a smile. "Just doing your bidding, sweetcakes." He hoisted the figure up, revealing... sil couldn't dare to believe it. "Here he is. He who you most desire. Sorry - whom." With that, the Cheese Man was thrust unceremoniously towards sil's surprised but eager arms....

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As QC carried out SB's command... whoops... wrong chapter.... I mean... As the cheese man came out and was thrust into the arms of silver... on the other side of the world... or far enough away (New York) LaVelle sat in the Darkside regional office's study and toyed with the idea of writing a chapter for the never ending fic...

LaVelle: *to himself* I should make it quite witty I suppose... I want it to be the best chapter ever *looks over the summary that silver wrote* hmm... this would be usefull, it's too bad I never really read any of the other chapters... it would have helped a lot here.. then I could just add on to things that have happened before and make it seem like it has an overall plot... this will make it quite worth while

Sophie : *walking in to the study* but the fact remains, you havn't read a word of the story, well, other then my part of course

LaVelle: *not so startled by Sophie's entrence* well, i do suppose that's true, but I read your part, and you hadn't read much of the story and it was excptional.. do you have any advice as to what I should do with it?

Sophie : *walking up to LaVelle's desk* Oh Leo! stop being such a cranial cry baby! just write it already

LaVelle: oh fine, be like that... I can write it on my own

Sophie : *sitting down on the desk* Oh, alright, I'll help you... but you can't tell anyone... cayse then everyone's gonna start asking me for help....

LaVelle: *winks at the camera* Oh don't worry nin, I won't tell anyone...

*Nina Helps Leo*

*Leo Writes Story*

*Everyone reads Leo's amazing ending to the never ending story*

Silver: *in awe and shock* Oh my god, leo that was amazing, that's the best ending to a story ever

Sweedy: Leo, you're a genious, I didn't think a self involed and pathetic bastard like you could ever write something this good!

Alex: *scratching his head* yeah leo, you suck for always writing about yourself and making yourself the main charecter in every story that you write, but for once you didn't... and it was just amazing man! I actualy forgot about how america sucks for .00000003 seconds

Doyle: Leo! you're so cool! I can't believe it! I didn't think you were that cool! you finished the story! aaaah! that's like a big amy acker/doyle/glory sandwitch!

Anya: *playing with Leo's hair* I thought I'd never forgive you for throwing me out of that window on the jerry springer show [writers note: see! see! I read that part!] but that ending... that was just amazing! and so sexy...

LaVelle: I know, I'm great... but I have to confess... I did not write the ending... you see... Sophie and I went into the future and stole the real ending to the story from the writer... it's not real

Sophie: *steping out from behind the curtains* but if that's true, then why did you write "*Leo Writes Story*" up there?

Silver: *pointing her finger at Leo* and how come sophie doesn't know what's going on? she should if she's your acomplice like you say she is!

LaVelle: *poinging finger back at sil* and how come you can't spell?!

What exactly happened to the ending of the never ending story? Is Leo telling the truth? Is this a twisted paradox? Why doesn't Nina know what's going on? Why can't sil spell? why won't Leo decide on calling the blonde british girl nina or sophie? why on earth is anya playing with leo's hair? where the heck did the Plot Device go? and how can silver be in two places at once? find out what happened in the next part of the never ending story!!!!!!!!!!

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