NES4

The Never Ending Story 4:

The One That Did, In Fact, End Very Quickly.

"What to do, what to do? Aiee!" She wrung her hands, wailing and gnashing her teeth.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise and flash of light, and Kiefer Sutherland was standing there.

"Whoa. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I'm here to start a new NES. The board's been so dead lately, I've been sent by the Powers That Be to spice it up a little." He started removing his shirt.

"Whoa, I'm not that desperate." She paused. "Yet. Anyway, why couldn't they send Ben Browder over? He would bring a lot more inspiration to certain people, I'm sure."

"Sorry, but I was the best they could do on short notice. Besides, TPTB are really fucking sick and tired of all the NESes turning into badly-disguised Farscape and Buffy Mary Sues. They want something different."

"Ah. Couldn't you at least have come as Athos, from The Three Musketeers? You were more interesting then."

He blinked in confusion. "Who? I'm Jack Bauer, a CTU agent. My wife and daughter have been kidnapped. What's this about me being a musketeer?"

"Uh... never mind."

"I really should be getting back to rescuing them, you know. Some scenery-chewing idiot with a really bad accent wants me to kill some guy, and keeps on attacking me with plot devices that even the most dim-witted viewer could spot a mile off, although I apparently can't. It's not good."

"Right."

Jack looked around. "Where the hell is everyone else, anyhow? Why are you and I together by ourselves in a small room, with hundreds of John Crichton screencaps on the computer screen?"

Wouldn't you like to know, bitch. "Well, you don't see anyone else writing anything, do you? If they want in, they'll have to bloody well write themselves into it. As for the screencaps... that really doesn't concern you."

"Okay." Jack looked around nervously. "So. What do we do now?"

***

What, indeed? What is everyone else doing? Why does qc have a screenful of John Crichton screencaps? How long will it be until Kief is inevitably replaced by the usual Buffy and Farscape crew? Will Jack's really, really irritating family die horribly (please, say they will)? Will it all be done without spoiling qc for 24's first season finale? Will there even be any more chapters? Is this the worst NES ever? Find out in the next boring installment, if it ever actually gets written!

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 2

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN 7.OOPM AND 8.OOPM ON THE DAY OF... WHEN THIS WAS WRITTEN.

"Okay." Jack looked around nervously. "So. What do we do now?"

"How can you function without any sleep? No sleep affects judgement."

"I'm a CIA agent, of course I can function without any sleep."

"You've been wearing the same thing since midnight last night, Jack. Don't your clothes stink after a while?"

"I changed my shirt, you just must have missed seeing me change my shirt."

qc pulls Jack *close*.

"You could show me now."

"But...I have a wife and daughter. Which reminds me, I should...go save them."

qc rolls her eyes. She's then distracted by something in the sky.

"Hey, since when did night fall?"

"About five minutes ago."

"Quirky."

Suddenly, someone drops down from the ceiling in qc's room and lands on the floor. It's Silver.

Jack pulls his gun on Silver and slams her against a wall.

"Who are you working for? How much did you hear?!"

It takes Silver a moment to gather her thoughts together.

"I heard nothin'. That is to say I heard a great deal about some scenery-chewing idiot and your wife and daughter being kidnapped and something about your stinky clothes but other than that,I don't know what the hell's going on."

Jack's about to shoot Silver (and qc's making no effort to stop him) when Eric Balfour enters the room.

Silver: "Jesse!"

qc: "Gabe Dimas from Six Feet Under!"

Jack: "Milo?"

He's accompanied by Tony and Nina.

"What are you guys doing here?" Jack asks.

"My question first," Tony insists, "and answer true because you know I'll know: Why does everyone think *I'm* the badguy?"

"Well, you do have sinister-looking facial hair, Tony." Nina explains.

The door to qc's room bursts open to reveal Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen wearing tunics and obviously fake beards.

"Hey! You're paying for that door!" qc tells them.

"Hand over our comrade!" Porthos/Oliver Platt demands.

"No, Jack stays here." Nina states.

"It *is* getting a little cramped in here. Maybe it would be good if some of you left." Silver suggests.

"Yeah." qc agrees, "This is not a fucking hotel."

"I'm not going anywhere and neither is Jack." Nina persists, "Do you intend to resist?"

Porthos:"Oh don't be so stupid, of course we intend to resist! Just give us a minute!"

[To his comrades:]

Porthos:"Five of them, three of us. Hardly seems fair."

Aramis:"Maybe we should give them a chance to surrender."

qc:"Excuse me, there's four of us."

[Porthos shoves qc away but she returns to the group.]

Jack:"Do I know you people?"

qc:"I don't wanna stay here with these losers. Let me join you guys."

Porthos:"She's got girly handwriting."

Aramis:"Must be a poet!"

Jack:"You got a name, boy?"

qc:"Uh...I'm a girl."

Jack:"Jack Bauer, Porthos, Aramis."

qc:"Pleased to meet you all again. And since when did you start acting like Athos, Jack?""

Armis:"Pleasure."

Porthos:"Everyone acquainted?"

qc:"This is all terribly confusing."

[The four whirl around, Porthos and Aramis unsheath their swords, Jack raises his gun and qc holds her Scorpy figure as if it's a weapon.]

Porthos:"NOW, we are ready to resist you!"

Jack:"I need a hot dog. I'm hungry."

CLOCK COUNTS DOWN: 7.58, 7.59, 8.OOPM.

***

Ye gads! Could this chapter have been any longer? What's going to happen now? Will Jack finally get something to eat? Well, hopefully some of these questions will be answered in the next chapter (if another chapter even gets written.)

*****************

(silver) - Chapter 3

It's a Mexican Standoff, with the Three Musketeers plus qc "prepared to resist" somebody. Who are they resisting? The author isn't sure, she doesn't know half these people and would have to scroll up and check.

*does so*

Ah...okay. Some dude named Tony, and a chick called Nina. And apparently silver and Eric Balfour are on their side. silver turns to Eric Balfour. "Dude. Why are we even fighting, do you know?"

Eric Balfour: "I have no freaking clue."

silver: "Well why don't you just run them over with your car? You're good at that."

Eric Balfour agrees, and does so. Except he's not the sharpest crayon in the box, and instead runs over his own allies, Nina and Tony. Why? Because the author has no clue what to do with them.

As their bodies are crushed beneath the wheels, silver turns to Doyle.

Doyle: "Um...sil...I haven't been brought into this story yet."

silver: "Dude, I'm bringing you into it. I need to ask you a question."

"What's that?"

"Back there...when you had me dropping from the ceiling, I wasn't glistening and naked, was I?"

"Um....no?"

"Right answer."

While they talk, Eric Balfour backs up and runs over the decimated bodies several times, then he gets out, pleased with himself. "Look at me and my bad self. I think I'll prowl off, now. Witness me prowling."

He prowls off.

qc saunters up and addresses silver. "Do you even have a point to this chapter?"

silver thinks for a moment, then shakes her head. "Not even remotely. So I figured I'd just assign the existing actors to roles I know them in."

She pulls a magic wand from ...somewhere...and waves it dramatically at the Three Musketeers. They all suddenly undergo bizzare transformations: Jack is now dressed in the old-time western outfit he wore as Doc in "Young Guns", Charlie Sheen grows out some punk hair, and is suddenly wearing the leather jacket he wore in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and Oliver Platt is surprised to look down and see himself clad in a wetsuit, complete with an inflatable crocodile.

Oliver Platt: "What the hell is this?"

silver: "From Lake Placid, you know."

Oliver Platt looks pissed off. "This is lame!"

His former fellows chime in, displeased with their transformations and this chapter. silver, hurt and angry, turns to leave but bumps into Bracken, who was standing behind a tree in qc's front yard smoking a cigarette. "What are you doing here?"

Bracken looks startled, flicking her cigarette down. "You know, contrary to one's self-involved world view, qc's house happens to be in between...parts...and other parts of this town. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so. 'Cause God knows we all need some satisfaction in life, besides ..."

Suddenly Bracken is distracted by Charlie Sheen, who has gotten stoned and drunk and is now pissing against the side of qc's house. Her eyes light up, and her expression becomes rapturous. "Oooh....I think I'm in love." She heads over to talk to him.

Meanwhile Jack / Kiefer Sutherland / Doc stalks up to qc. "You know...you started this story. Don't you have any control over it?"

qc smiles devilishly. "Why yes, yes I do. But don't you want to know what happened to your girlfriend Sandra Bullock?"

Jack is confused. "What are you talking about? Sandra isn't my girlfriend, she just played her in "The Vanishing"."

"That's right!" qc shrieks (come on, I have to have *someone* shrieking...), throwing Jack into a simple wooden coffin, which she then closes and shovels dirt over.

Inside the coffin, Jack fumbles blindly for his lighter, pulling it out of one of his pockets. He lghts it, casting a flickering orange glow inside the coffin. "Diane!" he screams.

Somewhere in the distance, Sophie perks up. "Shovel?"

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 4

(Kiefer Sutherland voiceovers): "Right now I'm not sure what's going on. Something to do with a couple of role-playing rejects, a scenery-chewing idiot with one of those shitty accents that sounds like a cross between Russian and Transylvanian, and I don't even know who I am anymore. I can tell this is going to be *the* longest day of my life."

*qc interrupts the voiceover*

qc:"Shut your mouth, Jack-y. I'm burying you alive!"

Jack:"Is this the end of Jack Bauer?"

qc:"Looks like."

Jack:"Gee qc, shovelling all that dirt must be hard work."

qc:"Actually, I'm easy...I mean, *it's* easy! Shovelling dirt is easy. Now shut-up!"

Jack:"Why are you doing this?"

qc:"Because I want you to be a vampire like you were in The Lost Boys."

Jack:"Have I ever told you The Erotic Tales Of Jack Bauer?"

Elsewhere...

Doyle:"You killed off Tony and Nina?...You killed off Tony and Nina?!"

Silver:"Doyle, I told you I didn't know who they were and you said I could kill them off if I wanted to."

Doyle:"By having Eric Balfour run over them?!"

Silver:"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

Doyle:"Repeatedly?!?"

*Silver ignores Doyle and strokes her big long sledgehammer*

Doyle:*shudders* "That's very disturbing. I don't even wanna be here, okay? I'm just gonna go lock myself in a big metal box and join Angel at the bottom of the ocean."

Silver:"You have issues."

Doyle storms off.

Meanwhile, qc's finished burying Jack. She suddenly wonders where her shovel went and notices Sophie's got it.

qc:"Crikey, Sophie! Would you *not* do that with my shovel?!"

Sophie:"You want it back?"

qc:"Ew, not now I don't."

Some place that's else.

Eric Balfour drives by the viewpoint at Point Dume. He notices a boat off shore then gets out of his car and walks to the edge of the cliff. He can see someone on the boat climbing into a metal casket.

"Hey! What the hell are you doing out there?!" he yells out to the person on the boat. He then notices the person aim a sniper rifle directly at him.

"You just keep right on drivin'." Doyle yells back.

Eric Balfour briskly walks back to his car, jumps in and drives off. Once inside the coffin Doyle rocks it to and fro (it's standing up, see) until it falls into the ocean. The end dips down and the casket sinks straight down leaving behind a small trail of bubbles.

Somewhere, Braca aka Brutus is in an ad for Toyota.

Back to Silver and the others. Jack shows up again, bleary eyed, unshaven, woozy and covered in dirt. With him is qc who's looking incredibley pale. Paler than most people. Jack is also very pale.

Silver:"Have you hit the bottle again, Kiefer? You know those long binge drinking sessions are going to make you lose your role on 24 if you keep it up. Your career has just been resurrected, so what do you do? Down eight shots of whisky then dance around bare chested singing karaoke no doubt. I don't even *want* to know how you got covered in dirt."

Jack:"Interesting choice of words: "resurrected"."

Silver:"What's so interesting about that?"

Jack:"Let me show you."

Jack suddenly vamps out and so does qc.

Charlie Sheen:"Well this is an interesting turn of events."

Silver:"We can't take on VampJack and Vampqc by ourselves. We need...Brad! Brack, you haveta help us fight!"

Brack/Brad:"I can't fight! I can't even hit people!"

Oliver Platt:"Don't worry, I've got my inflatable crocodile if things get hairy."

Silver:"Oh. That's okay, I suppose."

Angel:"And the reason there is a leather towel on my wet chair?"

Silver:"You screwed it up you ninny!"

That irritating beeping sound can be heard as another hour is over and this story's passed onto someone else.

*****************

(qc) - Chapter 5

Tension tensely fills the tense air. Everybody stands around tensely, waiting for the author to get a fucking move on, and stop writing like a FF.net badfic writer.

VampJack and Vampqc are still slowly approaching the others. Suddenly, Oliver/Porthos/Lake Placid Guy starts rubbing his groin in an alluring fashion. "Come on, doggie."

sil blinks. "What the fuck?"

Porthos (hey, I go with what I know) starts really getting into his act, grinding his hips and slapping himself.

"You want summa this? Grade A, Prime American Beef!"

sil beats her head slowly against the wall. "She's doing it again... a few lines into the chapter, and she's doing it again...."

Porthos is, by this stage, unstoppable.

"Come on! Come on, baby, bring it on! Yeah! You know you want summa this! Right here, right here, right now!"

He starts to remove his pants... well, wetsuit... falling over in the process. He flails pathetically on the ground.

sil slaps him across the face. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" She turns to Vampqc. "What's more, why the fuck do you have to do this? Why must everything be a Farscape reference? Haven't I suffered enough?!"

Before Vampqc can plead her (obvious) innocence, a triumphant cry indicates that Porthos has, indeed, managed to remove most of his wetsuit. Jack eyes him ravenously.

"Okay. Would somebody please explain this one to me?"

Porthos smiles from his tangled position on the ground. "Elementary, dear silver. Jack was hungry, and really wanted a hot dog. I'm giving it to him. Look, he's all subdued now."

Indeed, Jack seems to be solely focused on Porthos. Brack/d shakes her head sadly.

"Uh... Porthos? He's a vampire. I don't think it'd be all that pleasant. And you really should stop taking everything as a double entendre."

"Who am I taking?"

sil throws her hands up in disgust. "This has got to be the stupidest plot device I have ever seen... and believe me, I've seen a lot of them. I've made it through all the NESes so far, haven't I? But this... this is just too much."

She storms off, leaving behind an entranced VampJack, a slightly frightened Porthos, a neutered vampire and a musketeer/drugfucked guy having a pissing contest against qc's wall, and a Vampqc who is most likely thinking Farscape-related thoughts, and wondering why this time it's sil who's barfing up bits of her body.

But sil gets no further than the footpath before....

***

What ever does happen to sil? Does it involve an improvement in the storyline? (Surely it can't make it any worse.) Stay tuned for when someone tries to drag the story out of the mess qc has put it in, in the next exciting chapter!

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 6

PREVIOUSLY ON 24...ER...THE PROBABLY SOON TO BE ENDING STORY....

qc swung on her computer chair, randomly kicking the furniture.

Kiefer Sutherland was standing there.

"Whoa. What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I'm Jack Bauer, a CTU agent. My wife and daughter have been kidnapped. What's this about me being a musketeer?"

Wouldn't you like to know, bitch.

"Okay." Jack looked around nervously. "So. What do we do now?"

"Don't your clothes stink after a while?"

"Who are you working for? How much did you hear?!"

"Jesse!"

He's accompanied by Tony and Nina.

The door to qc's room bursts open to reveal Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen wearing tunics and obviously fake beards.

The Three Musketeers plus qc "prepared to resist".

Suddenly Bracken is distracted by Charlie Sheen pissing against the side of qc's house.

qc shrieks

Jack fumbles blindly for his lighter

"Shovel?"

(Kiefer Sutherland voiceovers): "Right now I'm not sure what's going on."

"I'm burying you alive!"

The Erotic Tales Of Jack Bauer

"You killed off Tony and Nina?!"

"Crikey, Sophie! Would you *not* do that with my shovel?!"

Brutus is in an ad for Toyota.

Jack suddenly vamps out and so does qc.

"And the reason there is a leather towel on my wet chair?"

Oliver starts rubbing his groin in an alluring fashion.

sil blinks.

"You want summa this?"

He starts to remove his pants...

Jack seems to be solely focused on Porthos.

I don't think it'd be all that pleasant.

VampJack, a slightly frightened Porthos, a neutered vampire and a musketeer/drugfucked guy having a pissing contest against qc's wall.

sil gets no further than the footpath before....

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACE BETWEEN CHAPTER 5 AND CHAPTER 7...DUH!

...she runs into the boy Jennifer Grey was kissing at the Police Station.

Silver:"Uh...I thought you were having a pissing contest back at qc's house?"

Charlie Sheen appears to leer at Silver.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Silver:"I thought I made myself clear. You're not my type. Besides, you're not sober."

Charlie:"Oh boy, I'd really resent that if I wasn't drunk."

Silver starts feeling uneasy, like Charlie might get violent so she whips out her mobile phone and presses speed-dial.

Charlie:"What's that noise?"

Silver:"Nothing."

Charlie:"There it is again."

Silver:"No, I don't think so."

Silver puts the phone to her ear and waits for someone to answer.

A voice on the phone says, "Hi. Thanks for ringing Love After Dark. For the following fantasy, press..."

Silver quickly tries to redial the number.

"You pressed oral..."

She fumbles with the phone and ends up dropping it on the ground.

"Enter your 4 digit customer identification..." the voice on the phone continues.

Silver ends up crushing the phone beneath the heel of her boot.

Back at qc's house...

Oliver Platt/Lake Placid Guy:"Wait a minute, you two aren't taking that Rave drug are you?"

"No," Jack says as he pulls out two handguns, "not anymore." He proceeds to shoot Oliver Platt about twelve times in the chest. Oliver Platt falls into the pool in qc's yard. His body floats.

"Me smart in the head." Jack states.

A phone rings and Jack answers it.

"There's a nuclear device..."

"Wrong number." Jack tells whoever it is calling then shoots the phone twelve times before throwing it in the pool with Oliver Platt. The dead phone also floats.

TICK, TICK, TICK...

Is Oliver Platt *really* dead? Most likely. Did the phone survive? Probably not. What's happening with Silver and Charlie Sheen? Where did the mysterious Brad go? Is Sophie still uhm...with Mr. Shovel? Find out (maybe) next chapter if someone actually does one.

*****************

(qc) - Chapter 7

'..."Wrong number." Jack tells whoever it is calling then shoots the phone twelve times before throwing it in the pool with Oliver Platt. The dead phone also floats.'

Jack collapses to the ground, wheezing. "Man, I'm dead if this thing goes to more than thirty chapters."

Dennis Hopper chooses that moment to saunter up out of nowhere, because, let's face it, there's nothing like an eeeeevil man with an eeeeevil accent from eeeeevil Eastern Europe to spice things up.

"Tech-neek-al-ly, Jack, you are al-rea-dy undead. And therevore, you should noht be auwt ov breath."

Jack spits. "Oh, go chew some scenery."

Dennis gasps. "My secret shame!"

"Secret?"

"An-y-way, I em heeya to tell you zat zee hou-wa eez up al-rea-dy, zanks to you. Next chapter, no-bo-dy weel av to even do an-y-zing."

"Is this the end of vampire Jack?"

Dennis kicks Jack.

"Ow! Quit it."

"Stop re-zaik-leeng lines."

"But I changed it slightly � Ow! Quit it."

"Enough. I av to meeeet someone een 23 minutes."

"Who? Ow! Quit it."

"How zee fuck should I know? Oh, and by zee way, you should reeeally check up on yur wife and daugh-ter zometime."

And with that, Dennis Hopper saunters right back off again, leaving behind a really confused and somewhat sore Jack.

In the background, Brad pokes sil.

"This is the worst fic we've ever been in. Or not been in, as seems to be the case."

sil raises an eyebrow. "Even worse than that time everything was qc Mary Sue-ing herself into Farscape?"

"Yes. This is far more irritating."

***

Indeed. What eeeeevil thing is the eeeeevil Dennis Hopper getting up to? Who the fuck cares? Should qc and Doyle just stop pretending that this is anything other than the two of them writing 95% of the content? Are there any other Kief incarnations to write? *Is* this the end of vampire Jack? Is Doyle now living under the sea? What's this about a terrorist threat? Could Oliver Platt possibly be resurrected? (More importantly, what about the phone?) Find out (or don't), in the next chapter.

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 8

So now we join Doyle under the sea where he's singing like a cartoon crab.

Doyle:"Under the seeeeea/Under the seeeeea/Why am I singing/My box is sinking/Under the seeeeea."

Gollum:"My preciousssss."

Doyle:"Don't call me that! Wait...you really think I'm precious?"

Gollum:"Uh...my preciousssss."

Doyle:"Are those the only two words you know how to say?"

Gollum:"Shire! Baggins!"

Doyle:"We'll have so much to talk about during the long winter nights."

Back on the surface...

Silver:"What ever happened to Doyle?"

Brad:"I don't know where he went."

qc:"What happened, did Doyle finally blow his brains out?"

Anthony Hopkins:"Hello, Clarice."

Silver:"My name's Silver."

Anthony Hopkins:"First principles, Clarice. Read Marcus Aurelius. Of each particular thing ask: what is it in itself? What is its nature? What does he do, this man you seek?"

Silver:"Uh...mostly he just obsesses about Fred and Glory."

qc:"Go and eat Ray Liotta's brains, you old bastard."

Anthony Hopkins:"Been there, done that."

Back to under the sea...

Galadriel:"You offer it to me freely? I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired this. In place of a Dark Lord you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morning! Treacherous as the Sea! Stronger than the foundations of the earth! All shall love me and despair!"

[she stops]

Galadriel:"I pass the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel."

Doyle:"And I'll stay here and remain fish food."

Has Doyle's isolation resulted in him seeing hallucinations of characters from LOTR? Or are they *real* and just happen to be swimming around Doyle's box? How many more quotes and characters from movies are going to be in this NES? And will somebody PLEASE think about the PHONE?!

*****************

(Mat) - Chapter 9

Doyle: Agh... agh... Orks!

Arwen swoops in and kicks ass and does some stuff that makes Doyle go "gah gah".

Doyle: My hero!

Arwen: I will always be here for you!

As Arwen leaned in to kiss the fair Doyle, Doyle awoke with a start. He'd been hallucinating, stuck at the bottom of the ocean thanks to...

Matt: Ya know I am really wanting to say that little shit of a son of his... does Doyle have a son?

Sophie: Don't look at me. Does it look like I fucking come here any more than you?

Matt: Fair point. Y'know I noticed at the end of the last chapter (incidentally the only one I read) that Doyle-dahlin' mentioned a phone... *sigh* anyways...

Silver wandered about a bit acting like a floozy and getting laid by hot looking guys.

Silver: Wait... I get sex now?

Matt: Shouldn't you be...

Silver: But what about Anthony Hopkins? Isn't he trying to bite me?

Matt: Eww...

Silver: It's this whole cannabilistic thing of his... I think he may possibly be psychotic.

Matt: Right... well I think I've fucked around with your story enough now. Can I go...

Doyle and Silver kick Matt's ass and send him packing.

Matt: Well you asked me to write a chapter... and at least I got you guys getting some... *grins*

Meanwhile... somewhere... at some point... a phone rings... and a hand comes down to answer it...

Mystery Voice: Hello Sydney...

*****************

(Bracken) - Chapter 10

Bracken: ::gazing at Charlie Sheen peeing:: I have a plan.

Silver: Uh. We've moved past Charlie a few chapters and miles ago.

Bracken: ::harshly:: I'm visualizing!

Silver: ::giving Bracken the death stare:: Whatever. And by the way, you're Brad.

Bracken: ::returning the death stare:: Oh contraire, mon frere...

Doyle: ::astral protjecting himself from his watery grave:: Mon frere means brother.

Bracken: ...Brad and I switched a while back. While everyone had their heads turned, he turned a corner and I took his place. Me. Bracken. Not Brad. Brad has left the building.

Silver: ::sighing:: Anyway. You said you had a plan. ::sarcastically:: Oh, do tell us what this plan is, *Bracken*.

Bracken:: Awwshit. Right. Uhh. We rescue Doyle. Yeah. That's it.

Silver: trying to suppress the laughter:: That's it? That's your brilliant plan?

Bracken: You have anything better?

Silver: No. [beat] We should get a boat!

Bracken and Silver begin their voyage of saving Doyle. Their trials, journeys and fallings will be revealed in a later chapter. Once they catch their breath.

Elsewhere --

Phone:: ::barely a whisper - gurgly voice:: Helllllllp meeeee.

Operator: ::monotone voice:: If you'd wish to make a call. Please hang up and try again. ::panicked voice:: And for God's sake! Please.

Someone...Anyone. Help us.

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 11

"Once Board, With Feeling"

Silver thinks they should go find Doyle. Brad says she knows the way to point Dume. qc and Jack ask if they can come for the ride. Silver and Brad are a bit hesitant but qc assures them that both her and Jack will not bite anyone in the car.

So Silver, qc, Brad and Jack are driving out to the viewpoint at point Dume when they suddenly hear a loud bang. Everyone gets out of the car and qc says it's one of the tyres. Everyone slowly turns to Silver and she realises she's just been voted as the one to go find a gas station. All of a sudden, Silver bursts into song.

"So I will get a spare tyre
'Cause what else can we do?
Our car needs a spare tyre
or else we'll--"

Cut to a lineup where Sophie is identifying the one who tried to eat her brains. The lineup includes: Anthony Hopkins, a zombie, that big brain bug from Starship Troopers, the relatives of that Richard guy who was going to marry Doyle's ex-wife and Lyle. After a moment's hesitation, Sophie says it's #1.

Cut back to everyone except Silver, who's presumably gone to find a gas station somewhere. The sun slowly rises as qc, Brad and Jack are finishing the song Silver started.

"And we still have no tyre
The point of no return
So where is that damn new tyre?
Why don't we buuuuuuurn
We'll just buuuuuuurn
Let us buuuuuuurn
Watch us burn!"

Cut back to Doyle who's still in his box in the ocean and still hallucinating. Though the shark eyeing Doyle like he's food is quite real. Doyle's keeping the shark from attacking his box by singing to it.

"That's great
But I don't want to play
'Cause being with you frightens me
More than I can say
But since I'm only food to you
I'm saying stay away
And let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace
Let me get some sleep
Let me take myself and bury me
In the ocean six foot deep
I can lay my body down
But I can't ryhme without geese
So let me rest in peace"

As Doyle continues serenading the shark, his box is hoisted out of the ocean and onto a boat. He's obviously not happy at being "rescued".

"Why won't you let me rest in peace?!?"

Doyle's song finishes as he is let out of the box by...Gollum!

Doyle:[spoken]"You're not just a figment of my imagination?"

Doyle reaches out and touches Gollum to make sure he's not just CGI.

"No, he's real." a voice says.

Silver reveals herself to also be on board the boat along with Brad. qc and Jack are obviously below deck to avoid bursting into flame as the the sun is now well and truly up. Brad starts singing.

"Why'd you run away
Don't you like..."

Doyle interrupts Brad's song and delivers a nice, upbeat, hugely morbid take on life.

"Life's a ho and we all play our parts
And when the music starts
We open up and fart
It's all right if some things come out wrong
We'll smoke a happy bong
And you can smoke along

Where there's life, there's death
Every day is shit
Wishes can't come true
Whistle while you work
So hard all day"

At this point he's beating up on Gollum for no apparent reason. Silver and Brad work to subdue him as he continues to sing.

"Don't give me thongs
Don't give me thongs"

Silver:[spoken]"We need backup! qc, Jack."

Doyle:"Give me something to bitch about"

qc and Jack emerge from below deck.

qc/Jack:"Oh-oh-ohh..."

Silver:[spoken]"Not that sort of backup!"

Doyle:"I need something to bitch about"

qc/Jack:[while they start bursting into flames]"Oh-oh-ohh..."

Doyle:"Life's a song
You don't get to rehearse
And every single verse
Can come out that much worse

Still my friends
Don't know why I ignore
The fact the world's a whore
I should be dancing more"

Doyle breaks free of Silver and Brad's grip on him and starts dancing moreso than before. As he spins and jumps and the music keeps speeding up, smoke starts to rise from Doyle until...Gollum's hands reach out and grab him, holding him in place. As Doyle stares at Gollum in shock, he sings the answer no one else could give:

"Life's not a song/Life isn't bliss/Life is just this/my precious"

Doyle recoils. He's snapped out of whatever temporary insanity was causing him to sing and dance and beat up Gollum. The others make him feel a bit better by revealing they were singing earlier too.

"Really? You're not just saying that?" Doyle asks.

Once they reach shore, they all get off the boat and go home. Of course, by "everyone" I mean Doyle, Brad, Silver and Gollum. qc and Jack are just a pile of dust.

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