NES3

The Never Ending Story 3:

The One that Wouldn't Die

Meanwhile, below this happy surface there lay a darker side to the board. A place where all the forgotten posters, who for various reasons chose/were unable to post as often as they liked, hung out. ADJ, Anya, Sophie, Heather and Starlight were playing a nice...well not so nice, game of kitten-poker.

Anya: "i raise your moggy and bet a persian!"

Heather: "Gin Rummy!"

ADJ: "you fool! we aren't playing that childish game"

Heather: "Why am i winning then?"

ADJ: "You keep stuffing your bra with cat-nip! cheater!"

Heather: "Are you calling me a cheater?"

Starlight rolls her eyes

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 2

silver: "So...you guys wanna team up and take over the board?"

qc: "But you already own the board."

silver: "One more word outta you and I'll kick you out of the group."

qc: "Good!"

silver: "I'm warning you."

qc: "So?"

silver: "Last chance."

qc: "Go!"

silver: "eeny, meeny, miney..."

qc: "Moe!"

silver: "Your cousin was a..."

qc: "Ho!"

silver: "He was a famous clown..."

qc: "Bobo!"

bracken: "I'm confused."

silver: "Shut your hole, Wang Chung!"

One month later...

silver: "What's your name again?"

Doyle: "Dr. Doyvil but please, call me Glory."

silver: "Okayyyy. Doyvil? Sounds like an anti-depressant. They'd probably be expensive pills huh?"

Doyle: "Ya, but they wouldn't taste too good. You'd spit them out you would! Now, you hired me to take out Super Dru, right? Why can't you take care of her? I mean, you must have some power between all three of you."

bracken: "qc's got a magic Bone."

"Where's my magic Bone?!" qc wails.

bracken walks in holding the hand of B.

"Stop touching my magic Bone." qc says whilst glaring at bracken.

Doyle: "So what are you like some kind of trio or somethin'?"

silver, qc and bracken look at each other.

qc: "We are the Legion Of Evilness."

"Mua." all three of them laugh in unison.

to be continued...

*****************

(Bracken) - Chapter 3

Bracken still holding on to Bone and her magick bone waved it in the general direction of Sil and QC. "So, Dru is a Super Evil and she's making it so that the others aren't posting and you, Doyvil, are going to put a stop to it all. Is that right?"

"Yes, that pretty much sums it up." Doyvil answered.

"All right then. Let's get this party started!" Grinning evilly Bracken licked Bone's face.

"Uhh, not that I mind the occassionally licking, but could you please stop that?" Bone wiped at her face.

"Shut up, Bitch!"

"I am not your bitch!"

"Beg to differ little lady."

"Awwshit, I think it's the Bracken-bot." Sil moaned coming over to Bracken.

Sighing, Bracken glared at Sil, "I'm not the fucking robot. I'm me. Just plain ol' me. But since in this fic I'm kinda gay and love bones... I'm having myself a bitch, and Bone is her."

"Okay. Fair enough. Now how are we going to stop Dru?" Sil asked turning the attention away from what the attention was on previously.

Glancing at her from where licking Bone's neck, Bracken cooed, "I could lick her to death."

"Gah!" Bone pushed Bracken away from her and walked over to Sil and QC. "You guys'll protect me, right?"

"Good idea, Brack, but maybe we'll put that down as Plan E. Hokay?" Sil was the condescending one of the group.

"What? I am not!" Sil snoreted, removing herself from her fictional self.

"For fuck's sake, man, just go with it. Flooooow with it. Choo choo!"

"You have no idea what you're talking about anymore, do you?"

"Yeah. No, not a clue."

" 'S, why don't you just stop writing?"

"I'm on a roll, something might come to me."

"We caputure her, tie her up and torture her until she talks" QC said from where her, Bone and Doyvil were playing "Go Fish".

"Great plan. Never thought of that. Is that like a new thing? Capturing? Ooh. ::shiver:: Torturing? Oooh. ::shiver::. How the fuck did I ever let you in the group in the first place?"

QC calmly looked up at Sil. "John's acting ability."

"Oh. Okay, then."

"Uh, huh. No way. No how. This is not turning into another Farscape fic." Bracken informed them.

"Acting ability!" Sil defended.

"No!"

"Fine fine."

"Uhh, are you going to be needing me at all?" Mumbling under his breath, Doyvil added, "This century?"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist. We need to figure a few things out first."

*****************

(Swedish Bob) - Chapter 4

"Before we can act on any of our plans we need to call reinforcements," Bracken informed her companions.

"What plans?" Doyvil asked.

"What reinforcements?" Silver and QC asked in unision.

Bracken reached into Bone's bra and pulled out her Hello Kitty cellphone. She speed-dialed Swedish Bob's number....

Swedish Bob answered his phone with that you-woke-me-up-but-I-am-going-to-pretend-that-I-wasn't-asleep voice. "Hello," he said.

"Swedish Boy from Ohio, this is Bracken, we need your help. And what the hell are you still doing in bed, hmmmm!" she asked firmely.

"I wasn't asleep honestly," Swedish Bob responded.

"Sure, sure, anway we need your help. Super Dru is preventing the lurkers from posting on the Sanctuary and we need to stop her, or something."

"Alright, that does sound serious," Swedish Bob replied. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

"See you then," Bracken replied. She hung up and put the cell phone back in Bone's bra, coping a feel along the way.

Bracken told her compatriots that Swedish Bob was on his way.

"Whatever, that means he will be here in like two hours," Silver said snidely. "I bet he was still asleep," she added.

Doyvil offered Silver a muscle relaxant to help calm her nerves but she refused the offer saying that she liked being on edge when the going got tough.

QC played with her magic bone while Bracken and Bone made out with way too much tongue for everyone's taste while they waited for Swedish Bob to show up.

Meaninwhile, Swedish Bob had fallen back asleep.

"Who was that who called?" asked a familiar mechanical voice?

"It was some telemarketers," Swedish Bob said as he slipped under the covers and into the waiting arms of the Bracken-Bot. Dun Dun Dun....

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 5

"I have an elsewhere to be." SB says and promptly leaves.

Cut to an underground chamber with SB and a stone statue. SB's having a smoke and looks at his Rolex. "Little things with fur better hurry..." he chants. The ground shakes and the stone statue crumbles to reveal...BOB.

"Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry." BoB finishes.

SB:"Hellu BoB. Welcome to the 21st century. Doyle is here...and what is up with those glasses you're wearing?"

BoB:"Oh, you like? I made the lenses out of wine bottles. Now just tell me where Doyle is."

Cut to the kitten poker game.

Heather:"I'm love with screwdriver."

Sophie enters.

Sophie:"Yo yo yo, whassup whassup?! It's time to get biz-ay so let's kick this shit!"

ADJ:"You, you ain't no homey!"

Suddenly anya jumps out of her chair and hits Sophie with it.

ADJ:"Damn!"

Sophie:"You hit me! What, are you crazy? You can't go around hitting people. What, were you born in a barn?"

anya:"You took my man. I'm going to kill you."

ADJ:"Shit!"

Sophie:"What do you mean? That lapdance with Doyle was years ago! Back when he was obsessed with Glory."

Heather:"If I was gay, I'd do her." (in referance to Glory).

ADJ:"That's whacked!"

Heather, Sophie and anya:"mmm...ADJ."

Cut to the LOE's lair. qc's having a smoke.

qc:"There's nothing better than a cigarette...unless it's a cigarette lit by a hundred dollar bill!"

silver:"What are you doing burning our hard earned stolen money?!"

Just then the door to their lair is kicked in. BoB stands there for a moment.

Giles:"OMG! That demon's going to kill us all!"

B:"Giles?? Where did you come from?"

"Who cares!" says Liz as she rips Giles's shirt off.

Doyle:"BoB is here to kill me."

BoB:"No, I won't hurt you, Doyle. *I* won't hurt you at all!"

BoB takes a hold of bracken's face. He stares into her eyes for a few seconds then bracken glances back towards Doyle.

Doyle:"Whoa, Nelly."

*****************

(Bracken) - Chapter 6

Previously on NES

You keep stuffing your bra with cat-nip! cheater!

Are you calling me a cheater?

So...you guys wanna team up and take over the board?

Dr. Doyvil but please, call me Glory.

Where's my magic Bone?!

So what are you like some kind of trio or somethin'?

We are the Legion Of Evilness.

I think it's the Bracken-bot

We caputure her, tie her up and torture her until she talks

What reinforcements?

that does sound serious

I bet he was still asleep

slipped under the covers and into the waiting arms of the Bracken-Bot

stone statue crumbles to reveal...BOB.

You took my man. I'm going to kill you

mmm...ADJ

That demon's going to kill us all

BoB is here to kill me

*I* won't hurt you at all

Whoa, Nelly

and now part 6 �

Doyle took off running down the hall, glancing behind him. "Awwshit."

"You know," began Bracken walking in the direction that Doyle went. "They show a lot of chase scenes in movies, and television and they're even written about. One person says or does the wrong thing then BAM chase. But only a few have done the slow stalking chase scene. It's my personal belief that these are much more effective. More suspenseful. Slow and steady. Gets the job done. The tortoise taught us that."

Doyle veered around a corner, diving into an open room. Breathing heavily, he glanced around for a more suitable hiding spot.

"You know you can't hide forever." Bracken called after him.

"Yes, I can." Doyle whispered to himself now hiding in a small closet

"Come out. Come out wherever you are." Bracken said in a sing-song voice.

Pushing open each door along the way, listening for sounds of fear and breathing Bracken was determined to find Doyle.

"I say we post." Star said, shuffling the deck of cards.

"We can't. Not yet." ADJ informed the gang.

"Then when?" Asked Heather. "I'm growing bored of playing cards all the bloody time."

"When the time is right. And now is not that time."

"Ooooh. When the time is right. If that time isn't soon..." Heather gnashed her teeth.

"All in good time, Mother. All in good time." ADJ smiled.

"Are we playing or not?" Star asked.

"Of course, what else would we be doing?" ADJ began giggling quietly to himself.

"What's so damn funny?" Heather glared at her son. Turning to Star she said, "I'll take two."

"Nothing at all." replied ADJ a sly grin spreading across his face.

Turning around to where Sophie and Anya were still beating on each other, "Hey. Are you two going to join us?" Star asked.

"Mrrumph." Giles said as Liz crushed her lips to his.

"Should we try and help him at all?" QC asked Silver.

"Nah, he'll be alright." Silver said laughing, glancing toward Bracken's retreating body, her voice turned serious. "It's Doyle I'm worried about."

BoB ignoring pretty much everything but the thought of Doyle getting hurt, clapped his hands together like an excited schoolgirl. "No matter how many times I see this it never gets boring!"

Bone sauntered over to BoB and batting her eyelashes asked in her most seductive voice, "Where are you from?"

BoB glanced down and Bone and sneered. "Hell."

"Oh." Bone sensing that BoB didn't want to be disturbed, left his side and sat down on the leather sofa.

"Vegemite?" offered QC coming out of the kitchen area.

"Think I'll pass." Motioning toward Liz and Giles, Silver asked.. "Is she ever going to let him breathe?"

"Doooooooooooyle. I know you're in here." Said Bracken coming into the room where Doyle was hiding.

"Leave.Leave.Leave.Leave." Doyle muttered quietly. Hoping that his chant would be heard.

"You realize that I'm not leaving, dontcha?" Laughed Bracken.

~Shit. Did she hear me? Can she sense me in here? Am I breathing to hard? Settle down Doyle. Can she hear my thoughts?~

BANG the closet door flew open. "There you are, sweetie." Bracken smiled looking down at Doyle's huddled form.

Reaching down, Bracken grabbed Doyle by his shirt. "It was pretty pointless to run, wasn't it?"

Doyle said nothing as Bracken licked his face.

"Where were you, honey?" The Bracken-Bot asked from the kitchenette when she heard the front door open.

"I had an errand to run." Swedish Boy answered.

"I hope you didn't tire yourself out." The Bracken-Bot smiled.

"Of course not." To himself, he said "It's always tiring being a double agent."

"Good. Dinner will be ready in about an hour."

"Hmmmm."

*****************

(ADJ) - Chapter 7

Swedish Bob glanced at the bracken bot. oh how he loved her. She was the perfect wife-thingy, no back chat either. Were those some loose wires sticking out of her dress? He shrugged, and decided it was hemmeroids and started securing a bib for dinner.

meanwhile, underground.

Hetaher: Really, im considering trying solitare *anya wails at the mention of the word*. yes... well, this whole thing about us sitting here, playing ever more stupid card games is getting dry. The cats were a nice insentive, but they don't stave off hunger forever.

ADJ: QUIET!...mommy. don't you remember what we've been working for? thats right... the ULTIMATE POST. One that would rival all the regular poster's posts that they ever posted! Now shut up and help me figure out an original numbering system for this poll...

*just then* the door burst. out of the mist, (which usually accompanies such enterances) drusilla stepped out. clad in mostly black vinyl.

Sophie: good lord, aren't you hot in that?

Drusilla: thanks for the compliments, but im afraid it won't save you. *drusilla mopped her sweaty forehead with a pink cloth*

ADJ: save *us*? what are you talking about? *we* are the ones who will take over the board with a stupendously delicious post that'll knock everyone out of their panties....or pantaloons. what can you possibly do?

Drusilla: my poor poor... thing. did you even notice how you can never get past question 1 on your "poll"? or why there is such a large supply of cards and card game books in this cave? it was all me! a spell you see, and you are now my slaves.

starlight: so so...your a witch?

Drusilla: puhleese, i prefer to be called a magician. i get paid for what i do, not because i like it... plus the kids like to call me sparky.

*back to the Legion of evilness*

Qc: should we be doing something?

*****************

(Beautyone) - Chapter 8

Beautyone: I've got a theory! That its a demon.

Silver: No you have NOT! This is not a musical.

Beautyone: Okay, but I do have a plan.*runs to the closet and comes back with some boxes* Everyone put these on quick! *takes high heeled shoes out of boxes and passes them around*

Cozy: Are you kidding? These things are murder on my toes!

Beautyone: Yah, I know. But they make your calves look really....*stares at Cozys legs, lost in thought* Just put them on okay?

All the female boarders put on the high heels, as B1 gets out a makeup case, hairbrushes and hairspray. At B1s insistence everyone slaps on eyeshadow. And teases up thier hair.

Silver(blinking back tears from too much mascara): How is dressing up like 'hos gonna help again?

B: Just wait, its all part of my cunning plan. *giggles insanely*

Meanwhile where the evil posters are hanging out..........

....... Everyone is engrossed in making a poll that is done with the alphabet instead of numbers....Sophe: "Which letter should we leave out to show how clever we are? Drusilla: " P. and U."........................

Back at the Sanca.......

Beautyone: "One more thing!" *runs away to get more stuff*

Cozy: "Shes pulling this dialog out of her ass isnt she? This can't be going anywhere."

Liz: "I think I know what this is about. She's gone completly round the twist. She's been watching.."

Beautyone*coming back* "I heard that! Instead of embarrasing details lets move along."

Crichton comes into chat, slamming the door. He's wearing..

Silver interrupts: "Lame segue B!"

Beautyone: "Shut the frell up, its my turn!!"

Hes wearing a cream linen suit and aqua wifebeater, bringing out the blue in his eyes.

John: "Who stole my damn clothes?? I got up this morning and all that was left was this monkey suit and it isnt even mine! Where's my damn SOCKS??"

At this point, Liz collapses into giggles. Beautyone smirks and drools. Cozy and Silver just drool.

John: "Hey! Thats *my* jacket" He looks around to see that everyone is wearing his clothes.

Beautyone: "Does it have your name in it? I dont think so. *she takes off the jacket and shows that it has a white sticker with the name 'Beautyone' written with a sharpy marker*

Beautyone "It's mine now, bright boy."

Elsewhere Doyle can be heard moaning.

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 9

Cut to Doyle who has been shot by a bullet that may never have been fired.

A figure in a black cloak holding a scythe appears.

Doyle: Are you....Darth Sidious?

Death: No, Doyle. I am Death. I have come to take you into the afterlife.

Doyle: But...Doyle's not dead damnit!

Death: I beg to differ, little lady.

Doyle: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Death: You must come with me. It is your destiny.

Doyle: Can I say something about destiny? - Screw destiny! 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say, 'your evitable!'.

Death sighs and hits Doyle on the head with the flat side of his scythe. He picks him up and disappears.

cut to the LOE.

John: Okay, anyone wanna explain to me what the frell's going on?!

qc: John! What are you doing here?

Liz: Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing. I was supposed to be keeping all things Farscapey out of these Never Ending Stories.

Silver: Good job.

cut to the poker game.

Starlite: We've got to get outta here. I can't keep playing cards forever!...Plus I've only got a three.

ADJ: I fold!

Starlite: Do you even know how to play poker?

Heather: Don't worry my little cinnamon buns, I've got a plan that can't fail. See, what we do is record ourselves playing poker. Then we replay it so that all Super Dru sees is us playing poker on a continuous loop and we can make our escape.

sophie: That never really works, Heather.

Heather: I like my plan.

cut back to the LOE.

BoB: Why am I even here? I haven't done anything since I sent Bracken to chase after Doyle. Where is Bracken btw?

Bracken: Right here, sexy voice.

Just then, the door to the LOE's lair is kicked in and RiffRaff appears.

Bracken: OMG! RiffRaff!

tbc...

*****************

(ADJ) - Chapter 10

doyle comes to and is being whisked down a dark portal by darth...death*

Doyle: aye, this be a fine hole ye have ere.

Death: you aren�t fooling anyone with that accent

Doyle: but I really am fro....

Death: oh look, there goes jesus.

Doyle: looks around where?

*death clubs doyle again*

*he wakes again to find himself in a chamber with Adj, starlight, sophie, anya, heather and drusilla.*

Doyle: what is this place?

Death: this is where I store all the dead board members. hell is such a bitch to sub-let.

*everyone looks up in shock*

doyle: I fucken post more than anyone!

Death: Yes, but you disappeared for a period back there. And under the 1 week "no-post technicality clause", it still counted as dead-ness. Get a lawyer.

Doyle: Damn that clause! now where did i put lilahs number...

Anya: You mean we�re dead?

Drusilla: But im eeeevil! How can I take over the board while im dead??

Death: seems to me... That I don�t care. Bye! disappears in a poof of smoke

Doyle: what a poof. So, What do you guys do here all day?

*everyone just sits in silence, consumed in their own thoughts*

Doyle: SPEK! ...err speak.

Adj: ....ayy Spek!

Doyle: The ability to speak doesn�t make you intelligent

Adj: Don�t be mean, I�m special. My mommy says im too special for words, that�s why they don�t let me read them.

Heather: *psst* he�s dyslexic... actually, just a bit dull.

Doyle: Yeah, well... I don�t know what dyslexic is, so ill just agree.

Adj: Now who�s dumby?

Doyle: I won�t even answer a person who drolls.

Adj: mommy says that it�s just....

Drusilla: that�s it! *shoots adj*

Adj: owie. *falls down*

Heather: *looks at adj�s prone body*......meh.

Sophie: what the frell is going on?

*Meanwhile*

John: *perks up* someone is using the word "frell", that means im needed.

B1: *leers and adjusts bra* oh, you�re needed hun.

.....To be continued??? can we be fucked? :P

*****************

(Doyle) - Chapter 11

SB is still in bed with his Brackenbot.

SB: Okay, let's go.

Brackenbot: What's my name? Say my name, bitch!

The Brackenbot threatens SB with it's fist.

SB: Michelle! Michelle!

Scene changes. Death/Joe Black appears before the Legion Of Evilness and he is holding a jar of peanut butter.

Death/Joe Black: Doyle has joined me and the other dead board members.

Silver: I knew this, 'Doyle's not dead damnit! Doyle's not dead damnit!' thing was just an attention getter.

SB comes running in and tells the Legion Of Evilness how his Brackenbot has run amok.

Bracken: Honestly, SB, why did you ever give the Brackenbot an aggressive nature in the first place? (And btw I'm in no way freaked out that you created a sexbot version of me.)

SB: Well, I gave her an aggressive nature so she'd be more interesting during se...

QC: OMG! Bracken has a pencil in her pants! That's just...wrong.

Bracken: I have you in my pants. That's more wrong.

SB: So I left her and ran here faster than a fox on cocaine and dramamine.

Just then, an Interviewer and his camera crew enter the LOE's lair.

Silver:...Was there a school bulletin? Was it in the newspaper?? Is there anyone who doesn't know where our lair is?!

B: Way to quote, Sil.

Int: Silver, we'd like to know what you think about your wife, Sophie, hanging out with Death.

Silver: You want to know about my wife? I'll tell you about my wife!

Int: Keep shooting. (He tells his camera crew.)

Silver: You little [shit]! If my wife _is_ with Death, you can bet she's got a pretty [f---ing] good reason!

Int: Are you still jealous about Sophie giving Doyle a lapdance?

Silver: You [f---ing] brat!

Silver starts beating up the Interviewer.

Int: Hey, get off! Get off me!

Silver: Stay the hell away from my wife! You stay the [f---] away from me, or I will kick your [f---ing a---]!

Silver throws the Interviewer out of the lair.

Int: Sil, it's me, Leo!

Silver: [F---] off!

She shuts the door and puts a lock on it.

Liz: This is great. There's an unstoppable Brackenbot on the loose, Doyle's joined *his* (she indicates Death/Joe Black) team, Silver's a basket case. I'd say we've hit bottom.

SB: I have a plan.

Liz: Oh, no, I was wrong. Here's a lower place.

SB: We trade QC's magic Bone for Doyle.

QC: You're not trading my magic Bone!

B: You're not trading ME!

Death/Joe Black: It's true. I'd rather have the magic Bone than Doyle on my team.

Bracken: Why does Doyle have to get captured all the time? In the last NES he was captured and taken aboard Moya. Now Death's got him. Do we really have to save him *again*?

SB: Meet us at the docks tonight, Death...Joe...whoever you are. We'll make the trade at midnight.

Death/Joe Black agrees and disappears.

B: Can we just stop and deal with the fact that you're trading *me* to Death!

SB: Don't worry, B, my plan is both cunning and brilliant.

Liz rolls her eyes.

tbc...

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