things were pretty sweet in the land of the sanctuary. the birds were singing, squirrels were making lots of rotten little squirrels and B was impressed by Jeri Ryan's rack. but something was restless at the humble board (and silver didn't like it one bit). some unsettling things were becomming apparent to everyone. for one thing Spike and Buffy were getting along a little *too* well. this unnerved everyone quite a bit. Buffy and Spike were having a quiet picnic in the park under the shade of a big tree. Buffy supplied Spike with a mug of blood. he asked her for a sandwich.

"go make yourself a fucking sandwich." she snapped at him.

Spike was quite shocked by Buffy's guttermouth.

"i've lost my appetite now." he said bitterly.

Buffy quickly apologised and said that that wasn't like her, to say such things. Spike quickly forgave her and they both ate some sandwiches. everything was humble until their picnic basket was set upon by an army of ants. Buffy screamed and Spike stood up and began to stomp on the ants when a sudden breeze blew the leaves of the tree aside allowing a ray of sunshine to bathe on Spike. he too screamed at that moment as he burned and Buffy exclaimed, "this isn't how it was."

*****************

As Spike exploded in a storm of dust, Angel popped out from behind a shifty-looking park bench. Grinning and looking cute in the sunlight, he looked at Buffy. "Bravenet Chat is the coolest Chat on the Internet!"

Buffy opened her mouth to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but what came out was "%0, are you male or female, and how old are you?"

Suddenly Giles came running up, his tweed coat jacket flying behind him. He hefted a meat tenderizer and swung it wildly at Angel. "%0 slaps %1 around with a large trout. Heh heh!" , he shouted, and clobbered Angel with the mallet.

The bitch went down.

*****************

Giles, with a manic gleam in his eye, proceeded to engage Buffy in a game of tort. But she quickly staked him.

Buffy: "hey, this is and even better story arc then the one we had planned for Giles' leaving. it was so gradual, no one saw it coming!"

She suddenly convulsed.

Buffy: "way to go 0%!"

Just then Willow popped into the park, with Jeri Ryan. Beautyone drooled.

Seven of nine: "this way of talking is unnaceptable!....0%!"

Willow: "what's going on?"

*****************

buffy looked at Willow and walked up to her and sniffed her red S3 hair.

Willow was a little unnerved. Jeri Ryan pulled Buffy back from Willow and exclaimed, "get away from my woman!" Buffy was in shock. she didn't know Jeri Ryan and Willow were a couple.

"what happened to Tara?" Buffy asked Willow.

"she got famous. forgot all about her femmes. she's doing a broadway show called "so...this is my bra".

"well, that's nice for her." Buffy said as she picked up the picnic basket infested with ants and threw it at Willow.

"ahhh! the ants - they burn!" Willow screamed. Jeri Ryan quickly came to the aid of her grlfriend but Buffy grabbed Jeri by the arm and blurted, "I'm going to use the ignore feature to ignore you!"

Jeri replied, "that is irrelevent." and threw Buffy into the welcomming arms of.....DUM DUM DUM the S7 nazi

*****************

The s7 Nazi looked down at Buffy with distaste. Scowling, she threw the slayer aside, and addressed 7 of 9. "%0, are you an internet junkie like me?"

7 of 9 looked intrigued. "Hey %0, I'm %1, where are you from?"

Understanding suddenly blossomed on Willow's face. "I get it!" she exclaimed. "You've all been possessed by...by...some sort of Bravenet Tourrettes!"

Buffy looked up at Willow from her place on the ground. "Hello %0! Welcome to the chat room!" she said sarcastically. "Duh! Bravenet chat is the coolest chat on the Internet!"

"So Angel was trying to warn you." Beautyone said, managing to draw her gaze away from 7 of 9's rack. "We've got to find a way to stop this."

The s7 Nazi looked dispassionate. "Resistance is futile.", she said matter-of-factly. 7 of 9 arched an eyebrow, and the s7 Nazi shrugged.

Willow looked worried. "We'd better find Giles!"

Buffy looked guilty. "Anyone got a good joke?" she said, trying to change the subject.

Willow knew she had to try to communicate with them. "%0," she said, addressing everyone, "Welcome to the chat room. Bravenet chat is the coolest chat on the Internet!"

The s7 Nazi rolled her eyes. "I don't have time for this, %0...I'm looking for Swedish Bob, have you seen him? Episode 6 needs to be posted immediately!"

Beautyone pointed down the path. "I saw him at Radio Shack a little while ago...he was in there adjusting some speakers."

The s7 Nazi nodded. Then she opened her mouth impossibly wide and shrilly screamed "HECKMAN!!!" Moments later Henchman Doyle Heckman marched up the the s7 Nazi. He was wearing a gray uniform with black boots, and his hair was all slicked over to one side. He saluted.

"Well %0, we have to run," he said. "See you online!" And with that, the s7 Nazi and her henchman took off in pursuit of the errant Mr. Bob.

*****************

On the way to the radio shack, the evil heckman and S7 nazi spied a certain swedish poster, buying a white-chocolate mocha in a starbucks.

Silver: "he is more evil than we anticipated my sweet heckman... sweet like vanilla latte's, yes you are....sweeter than the sweetest coffee bean of..."

Silver, unable to control herself quickly bought 3 caffinated beverages. Almost forgetting herself, she quickly downed the delicious coffee and approached SB.

*meanwhile*

Willow: "You KILLED giles?"

Xander: "i told you she'd freak"

Willow: "You KILLED Giles??"

Buffy: "can we say i slayed him? cuz that just sounds more...pc"

Jeri ryan quickly interjected.

Seven of Nine: "That is an incorrect use of the term 'pc'. political correctness denotes..."

Noticing beautyOne's growing look of adoration, she decided to quickly stopped speaking.

Eyeballing B1, Willow drawled: "yessss...well all things aside, we are no further to a solution..."

*cut to starbucks*

"...we are no further towards a solution SB. i'm sick of your lax behaviour concerning MY fic...err, the boards S7 fic." Silver warned.

Swedish Bob tried to croak out a few words in response.....

*****************

He faltered for a few seconds. Then he was able to point at Silver and gasp, "But...but you don't even like coffee."

Silver stood there. Looking smug as ever. "I only said that I didn't like coffee. You're the ones who bought into my lies." She started to laugh. Not a happy laugh but one of those 'I'm better than you' type laughs. "I never sleep. Ever. How the freaking hell do you think I manage to stay awake? Think Tony Robbins helped me? You're all going to know my wrath soon. Sooooooon."

Swedish Bob stood there. Mouth agape. "It can't be. You're our board mother."

Silver smirked before turning and walking out the door. "Imbeciles." She muttered to herself.

*elsewhere*

"Can't I just touch them? Once?"

"Stop that! Look. I know there have been many slash fics featuring my character, but I don't swing that way."

"But. I. Just. Wanna. Touch. Them."

"For the last time. No!"

"Whatever." **********

*****************

the S7 nazi's heckman followed her as she walked out the door. SB made a comment to the heckman about his hair.

"nice Angel's hairdo in 'Hero', heckman guy!" he yelled out, drawing attention to himself.

meanwhile *Angel-style scene changes*

Jeri Ryan suddenly says, "Gotta leave now. Require nurishment which is unacceptable, irrelevent and I will adapt. The bonus is list the sports you enjoy."

with that, she got beamed up to Glory knows where and Willow and Buffy just looked at each other.Angel regained consciousness and wondered what was going on. Buffy bitchslapped him up and down mainstreet and demanded to know why he hadn't mentioned Darla's return to her. Angel asked her how she found out about that and Buffy said Willow told her. Angel vowed to kill Willow. just then the S7 nazi returned along with her heckman.

"heckman, stake Angel for me. i don't like his show any more." she instructed. heckman Doyle broke off a branch from the tree they were all standing under and threw it directly at Angel's heart, Buffy dived in the way and the stake pierced her heart. While Angel held his woman on the ground, the S7 nazi's heckman was beamed up into nowhere by the same thing Jeri Ryan had been.

aboard voyager

Doyle: "where the heckman am i?"

Jeri Ryan walked towards Doyle and pulled him close to her ra...uhm....close to her. Doyle didn't know what to say.

Doyle: "this isn't bad."

Jeri: "damn you seductive Irish dead guy." she said as she felt his horribley slicked hair.

Doyle used all his willpower to back away from Jeri Ryan and stated that, "Doyle non e'morto, accidenti!"

back on earth (?)...

Angel carried out his vow of killing Willow and did so then moved Doyle up on to the top of his to-kill list. just then, the park was invaded by a swarm of roach ppl...

*****************

Jeri Ryan a.k.a. 7 of 9 moved in on Henchman Heckman Doyle once again. As her heaving rack approached him, Doyle coughed and backed away, fingering his wedding ring nervously. "I'm a married half-demon," he said to himself. "I'm a married half-demon, I'm a married half-demon"

Jeri Ryan backed Doyle up until he tripped over the steps leading up to the transporter pad. "I could be rich. I could be famous.", she said. "I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Heckman. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne, and you would beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't?"

Doyle gulped. "Because it would be wrong?"

Jeri Ryan paused. "No. Because your wife just transported up behind you."

Doyle twisted wildly, a look of panic on his face. "Anya!?!"

meanwhile...back on Earth....

...a swarm of Roach people had invaded the park. Forced to ally with Angel or see them all dead, the s7 nazi worked with Beautyone and Broody Boy to destroy the disgusting, big icky bug things. As a team, they slashed and staked and dismembered, cutting a swath through the swarm of giant insects. It quickly became clear, however, that they were outnumbered, and wouldn't last much longer.

At that moment, a huge shadow fell across the clearing in which our heroes fought for their lives and all of humanity against the teeming hordes of roach people. As one, Beautyone, the s7 Nazi, and Angel all looked up to see .....

*****************

...Jeri Ryans Rack, blocking the sun.

"How the heck did she get up there?" asked Angel.

"Who cares!" Beautyone snarked. "I hope she fries, Im free if that bitch dies. Or not, I know the teasing will never end. Damn my fingers!!"

"Move over," Buffy shouted. "You're blocking my light!!"

"Oh sorry!" As Jeri moved the sun shone on the roaches and they scuttled into hiding, like.....roaches.

"Thank the Goddess, those roaches were giving me Mummy II wiggins. Ick." Tara stepped forward and hugged B1. "Its okay honey, I like the rack too."

Suddenly Tara jumped back. "Hands!"

"Whatever! Get to the freaking story B!" Said the Nazi, smapping B1.

"Right, where was I?" Beautyone got a look of dazed panic, hoping someone would bail her out.

*****************

Angel took the S7 nazi back to his hotel to get some bandaids for Buffy.

on their way to the hotel silver said, "i think she'll need more than bandaids."

"look, i'm the boss, i say when we use the bandaids and Buffy's gonna die and i need to go inside now." Angel said quickly.

In the lobby of the Hyperion, the s7 nazi sat on one of the circular couch thingies, looking around in silence as Fred and Gunn and Wesley all stare at her. Angel was getting bandaids.

Fred: (trying to be friendly) "So...would you like a drink or something?"

s7 nazi: "Screw you! Screw you and yer damn show!"

Gunn: "Chill, Frau Blaucer, she was just trying to be nice."

Wesley: "Yes, I hardly see where your animosity originates"

s7 Nazi: "Bah!" *stalks out*

Jeri Ryan descended upon them all beaming down from voyager and stated that, "0% looks like she will be dead in a matter of minutes." while looking at the dying Buffy. she offered to help revive her but silver appeared (man she's fast moving) had other intentions. *cruel* intentions even.

"no way! you let Buffy die then Angel will suffer for the rest of his life. so he should for the way his show is currently."

Angel: "oh gimme a break, sil. it ain't that bad."

meanwhile Jeri Ryan demanded to know who B was with.

"Tara. duh." B stated.

Jeri said, "do you wish me to destroy her now so that we can go off and do things that would please us both together?"

"ew, no!" B snapped.

"fine." said Jeri, i just guess i'll have to go after your newest eyecandy: Xena Sea bass."

it's "Xenia Seeburg." B corrected her.

*****************

On Lexx, Stanley Tweedle watched with interest the unfolding situation in Sunnydale. Okay, so really he was just watching for Jeri Ryan's rack, but now it looked like his vigilance was going to pay off. She was coming after Xev! He had to stop her, because he still had hopes of his own in the Xev department, even though Xev was only interested in Kai. He started to order Lexx toward the little green/blue planet, but the droid head laying on the floor next to his command seat suddenly flickered to life and spoke to him.

"Stanley Tweedle, I will not allow you to harm my most glorious and curvacious Xev! It would be a mistake to go toward that planet!" 790 said.

Stanley looked dumbstruck, which was pretty much his usual expression. "How come?"

790 screeched. "Because there's a wormhole in between us and it!"

The warning coming too late, Lexx tumbled into the swirly-blue-light wormhole.

Swirly Head: "Swirly? Did someone call me?"

silver: "What? Shhh. No. You're not part of this story...how did you even get in here? Get out!"

Swirly Head: "Sorry, sorry! I thought you called me!"

As swirly head ducked out, the Lexx fell out of the other end of the Wormhole. "Where in the light universe are we?!" Xev exclaimed as she rushed out of her sleeping chamber, halphhazardly fastening her bodice.

Stanley looked confused. Again, with the normal expression ;) "I'm not sure!"

Suddenly a face appeared on the view-screen. It was a human male, with adorable blue eyes and brown hair, and a fucking amazing a........acting ability. "What the frell are you doing?!" he shouted. "You almost hit us!"

silver and qc: "John Crichton!!!"

"Ben Browder!" Doyle swooned, and then fainted.

790 blinked. Well...as far as a severed android head can blink, anyway. "Where are we? Are we still in the light universe?"

"Light universe?" A woman entered the screen image, dressed all in black leather. "These are the uncharted territories, you frelling idiot. What the Hezmana are you doing here?"

Stanley Tweedle looked nervous. "Well you see, I was spying on Earth, and I uncovered a plot by Jeri Ryan to get at Xev, here. So I started toward it, but then we got caught in this wormhole, and ended up here."

"Wormhole?!" John perked up. "Where is it?!"

Just as Stanley started to transmit the coordinates, a PeaceKeeper ship decloaked.

qc: "Decloaked? This isn't star trek, dude. That is not a Klingon Bird of Prey."

Liz: "No shit. It's not even a Romulan Warbird."

silver: "shhhhh"

A third image appeared on the viewscreen. It was a pasty-faced cadaverous-looking man wearing all black leather...but not in a good way. "At last I've tracked you down, John."

"GAAAAAH!" John girly-girl screamed.

Suddenly another split appeared on the screen, and Beautyone looked out from her place accusingly. "What the hell does this have to do with the rest of our story, anyway?"

silver: "sorry, dude...I was just trying to bring Xev into it for ya!"

Beautyone (looking thoughtful): "Oh...Oh, well that's all right, I suppose."

Angel: "And the reason there's a wet towel on my leather chair?!"

Everyone else: "Um....wtf?"

silver: "Heh...never mind. All right, all right. I'll try to get it back on track."

So...the cast of Lexx and Farscape teamed up to re-locate the wormhole Lexx had come through, and they were able to escape back to Earth through it. John was happy b/c he was home, Scorpy was pissed b/c he lost John forever and didn't get the wormhole technology he wanted, and Beautyone was happy b/c she had Jeri Ryan and Xenia Seeburg in the same fic with her, and she could ogle their racks as much as she wanted. All of that accomplished...let's return to our Never Ending Story, already in progress ;)

*****************

John turned to qc. "So, you busy tonight?"

qc breathed a heavy sigh. "Yeah, I've gotta go watch an old ep with you in it in about 15 minutes."

John: "How the hell am I gonna manage that? I'm here. How can I be somewhere else? What's this about an ep?"

qc: "Buggered if I know. But I've gotta go. Yeah, I'm abandoning you to watch a two-dimensional representation of you. Go figure. But I'm hoping to be back in an hour, so nobody can steal you. Hell, I'm taking you with me."

And with that, qc drags a somewhat befuddled John Crichton off to her lounge, where he can share her usual mum's-not-home fare of baked potatoes....

*****************

meanwhile, Jeri Ryan appeared back on voyager and said to Doyle and Anya, "i no longer have any need for you two. i will be seeking Xev alone. i will beam you two back down into a swanky hotel...heh, bet you never thought you'd hear me say "swanky" did ya?"

Doyle and Anya just looked at each other as they were beamed down into the Hyperion and welcommed by Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred. they quickly showed the married couple to a room and then left them to be alone.

elsewhere, Buffy wasn't doing so well. the bandaids weren't helping the wound in her heart at all.

silver: "shouldn't she be dead by now?"

Angel: "slayer strength, remember?"

Tara and B quickly ran off together and left Angel, silver and Buffy alone.

Angel perked up, "there is but one thing that can save Buffy now."

silver: "damn. what is it?"

Angel: "your blood."

silver gave him a look.

Angel: "just kidding. no, what we need is some healing powder and i know where we can find some."

silver: "you got it stashed away somewhere?"

Angel: "no. but Fred does. she keeps some stashed inside the carebears in her room the she keeps under the bed."

just then liz appeared from seemingly nowhere and stated that, "i imagine Fred would have issues with carebears. That or she has tons of carebears but she names them things like "Bile" and "Tendon Snapper"."

Angel and silver both looked at liz but she vanished in a bright ray of light.

back at the hotel, Doyle and Anya were asleep when Doyle heard someone coming into the room. he opened one eye and glanced upon...Fred. she saw Doyle watching her and smiled. he gave a little wave back. but before she could leave the room Anya started to stir. quickly Fred ducked into the closet. Anya woke up and asked Doyle what was going on. he said "nothing." Anya got up and said she'd go get some breakfast and was about to leave when she heard a bellow, "TACOS!"

Anya knew who was in the room now. she quickly walked over to the closet and opened it and yelled, "Fred!?"

Doyle tried to calm her down but when that failed he just snuck out the window of their room (which was many stories high so he ended up falling out of it into a dumpster below.)

"Bitch, get out of my closet!" Anya yelled at poor Fred.

"I thought I saw a taco hiding there, I'm sorry." and with that she scuttled off.

Angel (carrying Buffy) and silver arrived at the hyperion and Angel yelled out "FRED!" she came scuttling down the stairs and asked, "yes,oh most hunky one?"

Angel asked for her supply of healing powder she had stashed in one of her carebears and she went and got it. upon returning and giving the powder to Angel she set eyes upon silver. silver's eyes were cold. she glared. quickly Fred scuttled away to somewhere she'd be safe. anywhere that wasn't near silver.

*****************

Doyle sat up groggily in the dumpster, and groaned. "It's d�j� vu all over again."

Just as Doyle wondered how the hell his life had ended up like this, he was startled from his reverie by a grunt below him. "Uh, would you mind?!"

Doyle scrambled up, to reveal a rather disheveled, Hawai'ian shirt-clad Scorpius pasted to the bottom of the dumpster by Doyle's arrival.

Doyle sighed. Typical. "How the hell'd you get here? I thought that you were left behind in the Uncharted Territories (and don't ask me how I know that). I thought that sil wanted this fic to get back to a non-Farscape tangent."

Scorpy smiled. "I'm just a figment of John's imagination - and you found a window to it. Congratulations, you're in John Crichton's mind - and he is one sick bastard. Not nearly as fucked up, however, as that qc chick he's with right now."

Doyle rolled his eyes. Perfect end to a perfect day.

Scorpy took a swig of his marguerita, and proffered Doyle something. "Pizza?"

*****************

Doyle�s eyes went wide and he trained both guns on the Scorpious in the Hawaiian shirt. Where did he get the guns? The world may never know. Anyway...he trained them on Scorpious, and with his head tilted crazily to the side, he said slowly and deliberately �Nobody. Does Margarita shooters with Pizza.�

With that he fired at neural-Scorpy�s head, resulting in dozens of little floating balls of Scorpy-head. Quite unnerved, Doyle threw his guns into the dumpster and started running back to the park.

Speaking of the park, I forget all who was there, and what they were doing, really, so I�m just gonna put everyone where I think they should be. Last I remember, Jeri Ryan was fixated (as were Beautyone and Stanley Tweedle) on Xenia Seeburg, a.k.a. Xev. She had developed a master plan to abduct Xev, and all I know is that it involved her rack in some way. Angel had killed Willow, Buffy had killed Giles, and Spike had burst into flames on his own. Buffy is slowly dying of a flying-treebranch-to-the-heart, which Angel�s band-aids cannot mend. Angel wants to kill Henchman Heckman Doyle. Swedish Bob is off adjusting his speakers. And the s7 nazi has retreated to her underwater lair to plot against qc, and determine how best to simultaneously make everyone write their s7 episodes in a timely fashion, and steal moyaJohn from qc.

*****************

Doyle limped into the park. (Hey, crashing several storeys into a dumpster here - he can't just heal like that. Maybe he even Linkined into the park. I have no idea.) Suddenly, a voice called out from behind him.

"Dooooyley... pleeease, come to meee...."

Doyle flung his head around (he's a flexible boy), to see the pizza shambling after him. What a day. He attempted to increase speed for the park... where a bunch of lunatics with a muddled plotline awaited him. Perhaps not. Did he really have a choice - psycho pizza or just a bunch of psychos?

Meanwhile, moyaJohn started batting at the air. "Get the hell outta my head, you cadaverous freaks!" (Hee, how many times can we use that word?)

qc sighed. "What is it now, John? Honestly, you hardly paid attention while we watched that old ep tonight, and you barely touched your baked potatoes. I'm worried about you, John."

John swung desperately at his invisible demons, jabbering near-incoherently. "I think that when they started writing this fic, they did something to my head... and it's getting worse."

qc rolled her eyes. "Come on, it's not that bad. You have to fight it. Blah, blah, blah, I'm in a real position to judge, since I'e never had any of the shit done to my head that you have."

John screamed. "Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!"

"Well, you just have to fight it." John chose that moment to smash a nearby mirror; qc just rolled her eyes. "Look, if you're going to keep this up, I may have to go for a completely pointless rock-climbing exercise with some Sebacean twit that I don't even know."

*****************

Doyle turned around to face the approaching pizza. "I am not going to fight pizza. How lame is that?"

A voice could be heard. "It's not so lame. Pizza's your greatest love and also weakness isn't it? Your temptress. Are you not a slave to the pizza?"

"I made one friggin typo. Is this going to haunt me forever!" Doyle screeched in the direction of the voice.

"My memory is one to be worshipped. So yeah, it just might."

Doyle waved his hand in a "whatever" fashion and started walking toward the local pub. "I don't need this shit."

"You'll never escape me," The voice called after him. "I am everywhere."

*Elsewhere*

"Owwww. My head," John cried again grabbing his hair.

"Is it still bothering you, sweetie?" QC asked, trying to suppress the sarcasm.

John glared at QC. "No, I say this all the time. I find it's a great pickup line. Isn't that why you're with me? Isn't it? Oh, I'm pretty sure it is. And by the by, what the hell am I doing in this bloody story?"

Crossing her arms, QC stared up at John. "I thought you might enjoy a break from being all Mr. Poor Lost in Space Can't find a Mechanic to Fix My Ship and the Love of My Life Died Oh Woe is Me." QC smiled at him. "And I think you're really hot."

"I think you're hot too!!" Silver yelled from a few blocks away.

"Shut-up you big holed whore!" QC yelled back.

*****************

meanwhile, SB was in his mad scientist laboratory adding the finishing touches to his creation: the Bracken-Bot.

"mwahahaha! you will find and do away with the S7 nazi and her henchman so that silver may never tell me or anyone to finish their S7 reviews again!" he chuckled to himself.

elsewhere...

Doyle ran from the crazy pizza as fast as he could into the park where upon he ran into Fred.

"Fred!" he exclaimed, "what are you doing here?"

Fred: "out. for. a. walk....bitch."

just then the pizza had caught up with Doyle and was now facing the both of them. this looked bad for the seductive Irish half-demon henchman and his crazy forbidden love when they were rescued by...the Bracken-Bot???

it appeared behind the pair and started moving toward them.

"it's an evil robot created from evil parts designed to do evil by SB!" Fred stated matter-of-factly.

"must kill henchman and Derf!" it said in a robotic voice.

Fred: "Derf? SB didn't even bother to program my name correctly." she pouted.

Doyle: "how did you know SB created it?"

Fred: "uh...TACOS!" she bellowed then grabbed Doyle's hand and led him back to the hyperion.

when they arrived there Fred told everyone to barricade the doors and close all the windows. no one did anything. Wesley instructed everyone to do the exact same thing and they all did on command.

there was a banging on the door. next thing ya know the crazy pizza came flying in smashing threw one of the windows. Doyle stepped forward from the group and said, "there's one thing i can do to get rid of you..."

"what are you gonna do? eat me?" the pizza cackled.

"as a matter of fact...yes," Doyle said simply and ate the pizza right then and there. (let there be no mistake, he *ate* the pizza, didn't do anything else to it, just *ate* it. so long as we're all clear on that.)

with that foe defeated they thought they were safe until the Bracken-Bot broke down the door.

"is there any way to defeat this enemy?" Angel asked Doyle.

"well...i guess you *could* try to make it laugh then maybe she'd wet her pants and short circuit."

"hahaha," the Bracken-Bot laughed whole-heartedly, "that'll never work."

*****************

Suddenly from beneath the lobby of the Hyperion came a great rumble. The walls trembled and the windows shattered, and everyone in general looked pretty wigged when a fissure erupted in the floor, and a giant submarine-type vessel popped out. Inside were....

***insert jolting, impending insight music here***

...the s7 nazi and Heather!

Everyone gasped. "Heather?! What are you doing here?" they said in unison.

Releasing the bubble-like hatch on top of the sub, Heather stood up. "silver has contracted me to take out qc for her. We came here first to see if any of you knew where to find her."

Everyone looked confused..."But Heather...what are you even doing in this story? You've posted like, 3 times in the past 4 months!"

"Wait!" Heather said, turning around and going down into the submarine, "BRB"

In unison, everyone groaned, for they all knew well that when Heather BRB'd you...it'd be a long while before she spoke again.

"<.Heather> Ha ha...shoosh", Doyle said. "<.Heather> Hey Dennis."

Angel looked at Doyle, his mammoth brow furrowed. "Dude, what's your deal?"

Fred giggled in that annoyingly cute / crazy way, and explained, "He's impersonating Heather."

Doyle looked around, seemingly unable to stop himself. "<.Heather> Bah! <.Heather> zzzzz."

"Good Lord," Wesley said, "I think he's stuck."

Gunn nudged Doyle, and the half-demon seemed to snap out of it. "What...what's going on?"

"You were stuck." Fred said helpfully.

the s7 Nazi looked bored. "Look, I can probably find qc on my own...and I will, Oh yes. moyaJohn will be mine...oh yes...but when I find her, I'm gonna need Heather to morph into Heatherosa and kill 'er for me. Since my HENCHMAN appears to have deserted me to go off and play around with pizzas and dumpsters, and totally be derelict in his duty!"

The last was said with a glare in Doyle's direction, and he wilted a little before he put his resolve-face on. "Hey! Why do you get to boss me around, anyway? I'm like, three times bigger than you!"

"Yes," silver conceded, "But while I drew you with only a spikey club thing, I got a gun!" That said, she pulled the gun out (of her handbag...her HANDBAG, you sickos!) and aimed it at Doyle.

A pointed cough from the front of the lobby caught everyone's attention, however, and everyone looked toward the doors to find the Bracken-bot staring at them impatiently. "Hello?!" it said, "Evil Bracken-bot here! Trying to be all evil and do damage and stuff!"

With that the maltempered machine launched itself at the group. Angel squealed and hid behind Wesley, who's only reaction was to throw the book he'd been holding at it. The group erupted into a wild melee of swinging fists and and flying objects, as everyone tried to defend themselves from the bot. Amidst the bedlam, the s7 Nazi closed the bubble-hatch on the submarine, and sank back below the floor of the lobby. Into the sewers, where there was enough water from the recent rainfall for her to have navigated the sub up from her under-water lair in the ocean. You knew that would tie in somehow, didn't you?

moments later...

Bracken shut the door behind her and took her cape and mask off, draping them in their customary spots next to the door where they'd be ready if she needed them again in a hurry, should crime threaten. Bracken sighed. "Another day in the life of a super-hero...my work is never done."

Sighing again, Bracken plopped on the couch and turned on her tv and vcr, which already had a tape in it from many previous viewings. For the 97th time that week, Bracken watched her "Buffy and Angel, highlights" tape. She sobbed into her hands. "Why? Why Joss? Why did you break them up?"

As she cried pitifully over the loss of her favourite couple, she gradually became aware of a trembling in the walls around her. The vibrations became more and more intense, until abruptly a submarine crashed through the floor of her house, right there in the living room in front of her. Bracken jumped to her feet in shock as the bubble-hatch opened, and Heather jumped out.

"Braaaaaaaaaack." Heather said.

"Heather. Hi." Bracken replied.

silver climbed out of the submarine. "Look, we've got no time for the long periods of silences, and the proper punctuation! Swedish Bob has built an evil Bracken-bot, and even now it's attacking the Angel gang plus some members of the sanctuary at the Hyperion! We can't stop it on our own. We need you, Bracken."

Bracken looked thoughtful. "Why me?"

Heather nodded wisely. "You can only fight Bracken with Bracken."

Bracken thought for a moment, and then nodded decisively. She ran to the door and threw on her cape and mask, and joined Heather and silver back in the submarine. With a grinding of metal the sub sank back beneath the floor.

Back at the Hyperion....

Bedlam ensued. All of the characters and all of the boarders were crammed together in the lobby of the Hyperion, doing battle with the Bracken-bot. 7 of 9 squealed. "Hey! Who just grabbed my ass?!"

Beautyone simultaneously blushed and smirked, before the Bracken-bot picked her up and threw her at Angel. They both fell down in a heap, and Beautyone managed to grab herself a handful there, too.

Out of the melee, Henchman Doyle strode, weilding his spikey-club thing. He bashed the Bracken-bot about the head with it, leaving numerous dents and rents, but the Bracken-bot was simply too powerful to stop with mere blows.

Suddenly the walls rumbled again, and from out of the fissure in the floor rose again the submarine. The bubble hatch popped open and Bracken rose out of it in an ethereal glow. "Stop!" she commanded, and everyone stopped fighting. All faces turned expectantly up to Bracken, where she posed magnificently on the hood of the submarine.

Yes...I know that submarines don't have hoods. Let's move along, shall we?

In the ensuing quiet, Bracken approached her evil, mechanical twin. Up close, she inspected the similarity.

"Neat." she said.

The Bracken-bot faced her defiantly, and said nothing. Bracken took a deep breath. "Honk", she said into the silence.

"Shoe Honk." Heather said behind her.

"No, damnit!" Bracken said to Heather, and then looked back at the Bracken-bot. "Honk." she said again.

"Honk Shoe Honk," the Bracken-bot said, and promptly fell asleep.

silver cheered. "You did it, Brack! You defeated the Swedish Bob's evil device! Now, after I find qc and steal moyaJohn from her, I can track down SB without fear and force him to finish episode 6!"

"Not quite," Bracken said sadly. "The bot's not defeated...it's merely resting." She turned around to face the rest of the group, and found that everyone else had fallen asleep as well...all under the power of her mysterious "Shoe Honk" spell. All but Heather and silver.

"And then there were three," Bracken said. "And the world wept, because..."

"Because the world mocks those that are still alive," silver finished.

....will the Bracken-bot awaken and wreak havoc on the world? Will SB ever post episode 6 and / or the alien fic? Will Doyle ever be able to reconcile his illicit love for Fred with his marriage to Anya? Will silver ever find John? Find out (or probably not), in the next exciting installment!

*****************

Aw, crap... I so can't think of anything.

qc rapped her knuckles on the forehead of moyaJohn, who was reclining on her lounge. "Hey. You seem to have quieted down."

"Yeah, they have. Thanks so much for your concern. Most of them appear to be asleep."

"Asleep, eh? sil show them back to back season 5 episodes, eh? Or did she make use of her field of poppies?"

"No, it appears... I'm not sure what it appears. Damn, whoever came up with that shit is seriously frelled-up."

qc sighed. "C'mon, John, I need more to go on than that. Quite frankly, I'm beginning to think that you're useless."

John rose to his feet. "Fine. Something about a robot. Something about an assassin being sent to you by a fanfic Nazi with an underwater lair. Honestly, I don't know - " John found himself cut off by qc's shocked expression. "What? What is it now?"

"I have to go. Now. I must inexplicably materialise into the main part of the fic, and stop all this bullshit... or, alternatively, stop writing parts for myself and let someone else have something to do for a change. I shall go in, and try to summon my cromulent spy Liz from the sleep that she has been sent to. Assuming that she's there. I have no idea who's where with the what or what the huh's on first." qc's face turned serious. "John... John, if something happens to me - "

John tried to steel himself. "I-I know, shoot you."

"No! Don't shoot me! Shoot sil! Hell, if you see her in that mind of yours, throw her in the dumpster for me, will ya?" John looked doubtful. "Look, it's either me or her, and, although you might not believe it, I'm the far better option. I mean, she's - she - well, she... oh, just believe that I'm better, m'kay? And no, you don't get any choice in this."

With that, qc walked out the door and conveniently materialised inside John's head. Time for that bitch sil to go down....

Can the next chapter possibly be any worse than this one? What the hell kind of fuckenhugeevilforce has possessed qc to make her treat John that way? Does anyone really care about qc's part of the story, which, although lame, seems to be taking up more and more of the storyline? Can someone please stop me from writing about myself? Only the next installment will end the suffering (or perhaps enhance it)....

*****************

back at the hyperion everyone was, well...asleep. *camera zooms in on B*

B's dream

B's in a meadow picking poppies when she hears a soft breeze whistling the word smutfic. she quickly skips across the open plain, following the sound until she reaches a forrest where she meets up with Tara. B hesitates, she's not sure she wants to go 'into the woods'. Tara asks what she's afraid of. B answers, "i don't want to leave this place," glancing back to the happy meadow where teletubbies roam free, "plus i think there's something in there." she looked into the darkened forrest and bit her lip with an unsure expression on her face. Tara entwined her fingers with B's and led her into the gloomy woods/forrest/whatever (i don't even know anymore what it is).

they followed the yellow brick path and everything was seemingly normal until B suggested they stray from the path (kinda like this story:). Tara said if B wished to stray she would have to do it alone. so B did. she skipped off the path into the deep dark forrest that was practically giving off signs that it was an *evil* forrest. i mean, hellu! there was wolf howls and owls hooting for Glory's sake! anyways, again B heard the faint whispering of smutfic. she again followed it until she came to a gingerbread house. fearing Willow might have been inside it she began to turn around and leave until she heard a familiar voice.

"going somewhere, my love?" B turned around to face...Jeri Ryan. "but how can you be here?" she asked Jeri, "you're supposed to be on a ship looking for Xev."

"i know," Jeri answered, "but sil brought me back to the hotel for some reason so here i am."

just then Tara appeared beside B. "what's she mean by "my love", B?" she asked B with a worried expression on her face. B just stuttered (something she did more than Tara now) and Jeri Ryan supplied Tara with an answer. "she's more interested in my rack than yours." she said simply. and that's when Jeri Ryna's rack seemingly grew larger and larger until it was practically in B's face. B screamed and ran from the forrest. she finally came to where they'd entered the forrest and ran back out into the meadow. except it wasn't the meadow she knew. the teletubbies had turned evil (like the ones in that 'Sour Grl' video clip) and they were hitting each other with their purces. B screamed, "NOOOOO!"

end B's dream

*camera zooms in on Doyle*

Doyle's dream

Doyle's in the karaoke bar talking to a donkey demon when Lorne introduces onto the stage Fred. Doyle suddenly tunes out from what the donkey demon's talking about (qc raping him) and listens intently wanting to hear her singing voice. before she can sing even a note a loud BANG goes off and there's a bullet hole in her chest. he screams...yells in a manly voice rather, "NOOOOOOOO!!!" and runs to the aid of his forbidden love. she's only able to speak in one word sentences to him. "there...is...another...sky....walk...er" she tells him.

"what? that's useless to me. isn't there something else you want to use your last breath saying?"

"tac...os." she said with a sigh and then was lifeless. Doyle was enraged and trashed Lorne's bar. "hey, easy on the furniture kiddo." Lorne tried to calm him down. Doyle just stuck a broken bottle in Lorne's head (killing him of course. but this is only a dream after all). just then bracken appeared with the gun she'd used to kill Fred. the barrel was still smoking. Doyle asked why and bracken answered, "why not?." she added, "that's not all, i've also resurrected the pizza...", "nooooo!" Doyle exclaimed. "and i've made it so the only two shows on tv are charmed and DA."

"Noooooooooo!!" Doyle yelled even louder gripping his head.

"AND...DOYLE'S DEAD DAMNIT!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

end Doyle's dream

will the next chapter be even longer than this one? (let's hope not), will the sleeping beauties in the hyperion be subjected to more torturing dreams? will we go back to silver's and qc's john sotryline? find out next chapter.

*****************

sil... where the hell was sil? I can't remember, and can't be fucked checking. Suffice it to say, she was somewhere in the main setting. Ooh, she was in her submarine, preparing to surface. Yes, that sounds plausible. Eeexcellent.

talynJohn sat up from the bed, where he had been thumping the wall and groaning to entertain Heather, who was in the next room. "Honey... why are you so upset?"

The s7 Nazi sighed. (sil and the s7 Nazi *are* one and the same in this fic, right? If not, too bad.) "It's nothing."

"Oh, come on, you can tell me. I'm the sweet and adorable and sensitive talynJohn - you can tell me anything." He reached out to touch sil, but she shrugged away angrily, only adding to his hurt. How could she tell him that she'd already seen the end of season 3? That she wanted moyaJohn? Better to make him angry, she thought - then it'd be easier to ditch him. (Geez, where've we heard that logic before?)

Luckily, she was saved from further protestations of love (don't you just hate it when guys tell you how much they love you?) when the submarine surfaced. She sighed and climbed out of the hatch-thingy (yes, highly technical terms here), followed by a somewhat downtrodden talynJohn. The two of them strolled out onto land, when *gasp, shock horror!* the pizza that Bracken had conveniently brought back from the dead in Doyle's dream, which had somehow been brought out of it into reality, whatever the hell reality was, leapt out from behind the nearest tree, making a beeline for sil. sil screamed like a girly-girl (seems to be a lot of that going on), grasping desperately for the gun, but unable to reach her... handbag.

Enter talynJohn. With a mighty roar (mmm), he leapt into the fray, hitting Pizza the Hut's second cousin three times removed with enough force to free sil. A pitched battle ensued... and since this chapter is already way too long, suffice it to say that talynJohn eventually managed to separate the topping from the base, thus dispatching the beastie once and for all (until the next time that he gets resurrected).

talynJohn lay on the ground, panting, and deathly pale. sil scurried over to him. "John? What's wrong?"

"Massive... grease... poisoning...."

Blah blah blah, talynJohn dies and says that although he's never felt better, he really doesn't want to go for pizza, sil gets all teary and lies down next to his corpse, et cetera et cetera. Suddenly, a shadow fell over the tableau (sorry about all the switching of tenses here). sil looked up.

qc smiled. "Thought you'd get away with sending an assassin after me and stealing moyaJohn back, eh? I see that your John's dead. It's all going to plan." She rubbed her hands delightedly.

"You planned this?"

"But of course. When the pizza was destroyed, I was mightily pissed off, but Doyle unwittingly came to my rescue by writing it back in. It's all coming together. I mean, come on... you didn't really expect talynJohn to survive this, didja?"

sil slowly rose to my feet. "You shouldn't have had him killed. He was mine."

"Tough noogies."

"Tough noogies?!?! Listen, lady, I have the right to the remains of a silent attorney. When will you learn that the crackers. Don't. Matter?!?!"

qc clamped her hands over her ears. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop tormenting me with all these quotes from episodes that I will never see! That's just cheating!"

sil sighed, and stopped. Damn that do-gooder heart of hers.

qc smiled. Time for the kill shot. "Oom-pah oom-pah OOM!"

The triumphant smile fell from qc's face as sil replied. "Yaa yaa ya yaaaaaa yaaaa ya ya yaaaaaaaaaa, yaaaaaaaaa!" Holy crap. This bitch was good.

They stood there, frozen. Stalemate. moyaJohn watched the goings-on inside his head. "Someone, kill me. Someone, please... kill me."

Meanwhile, all of our sleeping friends had dreams of taking down those two limelight (and John)-hogging bitches, in order to let someone else have a storyline, preferably one which didn't centre around insane lust for a fictional character....

*****************

We manage to escape qc's obsessive writing of herself and moyaJohn long enough to get back to the gang at the Hyperion:

The camera slowly pans to Angel...

ANGEL'S DREAM

Angel slowly walks in a grassy field as...

"Wait a goshdarn second!" Yells a voice, a voice that sounds a whole lot like Sophies. "Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me! But I thought that this chapter was to have some sort of meaning?"

"Well," the narrators voice's over as well. "It is but I just thought-"

"You thought nothing! Angel almost never has any signifigant meanings in our never ending stories, what so ever!" Sophie yells.

The narrator sighs and the camera quickly backs out of Angel's dream.

"ok so lets just forget the dream, sequence thingies ok?" the narrator offers Sophie.

"besides Anya can't write good dream sequences anyways."

"I heard that!" A voice yells from behind the computer screen.

"You heard nothing!" Sophie screams back.

"Sophie? Is that you?" Anya asks, double glancing at the computer screen just to be sure.

"Yeah, it is." Sophie replies.

"OMG! I missed you so much girl!" Anya rapidly types to Sophie.

"I missed you too! And don't worry, I stayed mighty far away from Doyle..." Sophie quickly fills Doyles jealous-type wife in before she can go metaphorically rank on her.

"Oh good! Hey, do you wanna maybe do lunch sometime?" Anya asks Sophie, the two girls obviously forgetting that a story should be getting written here.

"Oh yeah, sure! That would great. When do you-"

"Excuse me!!!!!!!!" the narrator rudely interrupts. "Do you really think that this has anything to do with the story?"

The two girls look confused.

"In other words, quit wagging your mouths and get writing!!!" The narrators voice booms loudly.

"Heeey! Arn't you the voice of that lion on the Lion King? I swear you sound just like-"

"WRITE............NOW!!!!"

"Sheesh! Ok!" Anya waves bye to sophie and continues writing the twenty-fourth chapter to the never ending story, numero dos...

The dark, moonlit sky is illuminated with thousands of tiny stars. A voice can be heard in the distance. "Falkor! Hurry your ass up!!! I'm never gonna get there in fucking time! I wanna see the whole fucking thing go down! I wanna See those bitches BURN!!!" One would think it would be Bastian, flying with his white dragon through the terrain of the beautiful Fantasia. But then again, Bastian is only twelve and twelve year old boys don't speak such bad language. (authors note: unless they're the kids on my bus who like to grab my ass and make suggestive comments towards the upper chest region of my torso, in which case they shall all be burned horribly in hell *g* )

The voice of course came from SB, the mad scientist, creator of the Bracken-bot.

"I'm going as fast as I can Sweedy!" the huge white dragon sighed slowly. SB looked at his watch and gasped "Oh my god! It's three AM!!! "

"No its not!" Falkor laughed. "It's four thirty in the afternoon.!"

"What are you smoking Falkor???!!!! It's night out! Now keep going!!!!" SB kicks the dragon in the ribcage.

The dragon grimaces "In Fantasia it's four- OW!!! I'm going as fast as I can...Bitch!"

Meanwhile...

As we pan along the floor of the hyperion, Sleeping bodies are lying here and there.

sleeping bodies lying everywhere.
(authors note: now see what I got myself into...)

We stop at dru
wearing her little pink muumuu

she's fast asleep
knee-deep
in sleeping bodies in a heap

she dreams of flowers
and magick powers
in a land called bowers (Authors note: WTF am I smoking?)

She dreams of Lyle
in a grocery aisle
lusting over his perfect smile

he runs his fingers through her hair
she whispers: "Take a little dare."
he smiles "Yes my little avacado pear."

she sighs and closes her eyes
and opens them to see it was only a disguise
for Lyle was now a man, everyone dispise(s) <===============(AN: I needed it to rhyme, so sue me!)

for William Shatner looked back at her
"hey...you...tasty...Orange Liqueur...
you ...would'nt have seen ....a silver fir?"

"What the fuck?" she cried
"yes ...I want you ....to be... my bride!"
William Shatner sighed

"I'm ....looking... for ...a certain bracken..."
"did you say blacken?"
"no....Bracken!"

He spoke in more cryptic clues...
And Dru lost the mood
she was hungry for some food

"Would...you...like some...green eggs...and ham?"
"I do not like green eggs and ham,
I do not like them, Sam I am"
"Who is...Sam, my little... papparozzi?
could he... be the.... S 7 Nazi?"

Dru turned and looked up
"Thats it, Im waking up
but before that, can I just say... What the Fuck?!?"

Dru Woke up with a jolt. Regaining herself she thought about her dream. relizing what it meant, she arose and began waking everyone up. When everyone was fully awake. she cleared her throat and began

"I had this dream, and It was-"

"Who did you dream about?" Fred interuppted

"Um, I'm getting to that." Dru gave her a weird look.

"Was it Lyle? Did you dream about him? Was there fun, naughty, nekkid sex? Can you describe it?" Angel asks...(cuz we all knew he would *g*)

"Um, well anyways..." Dru says turning away from Angel "William Shatner told me that-"

"You dreamt about William Shatner?!?!?!" Gunn asks.

"YES!!!! Can I tell my story or not...?" Dru lashes out at Gunn. "Ok, so William talked about Sil, the S7 nazi and evil bracken, I think... I think William Shatner is the Key to opening the gateway to moyaJohn!" DUM DUM DUM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Will everyone believe Dru? Will the S 7 Nazi find out WS is the key? Will the white hats get to him before the bad guys do? Will they be able to drag william shatner away from his beloved "Priceline" long enough to kill him so he doesn't open the gateway? How will they kill him? Will SB make it in time to see everyone die? Will they stop him? Why is the sky blue? How much pizza does Doyle *really* eat? When will Leo and Berry and Alex and ADJ and Liz and Matt and Starlite and Goat man show up? What about Cordelia? Where the hell has she been these past 24 chapters? And might I ask why is Anya still up in the hotel room? What has she been doing these past few chapters? Is there a possible connection between Anya and Cordelia? If so, what are they doing? And are they doing it together? Do I mean *that* kind of "it"? Or do I mean the giving-each-other-manicures kind of "it"? Who wants to bet that one of the guys writes the next part about Anya and Cordelia "hanging out" together? Is Angel secretly Gay? Will that fact make qc extremely happy? Will there EVER be an end? Find out the answers to these questions and more in the next X amount of chapters! Hopefully!

*****************

Mayhem was happening all over. No one knew what the crapola (solo) was going on. Storylines, plots, twists and one liners were being stolen from everywhere. Copyright Police were bound to show up at any moment. Frenzied. Terrified..and who are we kidding? No one was concerned about the fuzz, blackandwhites,5-0, pigs, flat foot showing up. Besides the board was password protected and no one would be able to crack the moist and delish and smooth (unless it was old or hadn't been whipped properly..or too much) and guttery (in Sil's mind) code.

***********

QC and Silver sat on opposite ends of the/a couch.

"He would've loved me!" Silver sobbed into her drink.

"Puh-lease." QC snickered. "He never would've loved you. You could offer nothing to him that I couldn't. Besides, I can do whatever you can, backwards and in highheels."

"Yeah. Okay, Ginger! And I bet my ass to doughnuts that you don't even own a pair of highheeled shoes."

"But my mom does, and I sometimes put them on and prance around."

"Stop making shit up, dude."

"I can't stop myself. Everytime I speak..well it's not like I'm the one speaking. It's almost like I don't even know myself or Farscape. I mean could you even fathom the idea of *me* not knowing about Farscape?" Cozy started to laugh.

Silver stared in shock at Cozy. "I've been the same way recently. I mean really recently. Like, two minutes ago recently. I do remember that I enjoy John. But whether or not it's talon or moira John, I don't know. Hell, I don't even get why he needs a prefix before his name."

Cozy's eyes were wide in shock. "Duuuuude."

"Duuuude"

************

Those who were asleep still slept. And yes, they still dreamed. And conveniently this time they were all merged and trapped inside the same dream.

Walking toward a bridge that was full of people all staring up at the sky, Angel and Beautyone looked up to see what everyone else was looking at.

"I don't get it." Gunn said also looking up.

"F....B...I. F.B.I. FBI." A stranger's voice practiced.

"I think this is from the X..."

"It's not static. It's not static. It'snotstaticit'snotstatic.."

James Earl Jones' voice could be heard overhead. "You're not afraid of the dark are you?"

"That's RIDDICK'S liiiiiiiiiiiiiine!!!!!"

"Doesn't matter. It's in the past."

"Be the ball. My name is...NEO!!"

"No nononoonooo those don't go together."

"Because kids love whores."

"Can't stop thinking about tomorrow. Tomorrow's only a day away. Once you're a Jet you're a Jet for life. And that calmed him down."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

**********

"I love old men!!" Bracken shouted.

Heather and Silver turned to look at her.

"What?" Silver asked.

"Uhh?" Heather of course said.

Bracken looked back at them. "What? I don't know either. I just said nothing and you can't prove anything."

"Should I show you the technique of copy and paste or should I just glare." Silver replied.

"Give me a scone?" Bracken retorted.

"Is this turning into some weird Buffy word montage? Because if it is, unless Seth or Oz is going to be mentioned, I'm leaving." Heather said to no one in particular.

"Umm. You just brought him up. So he kind of was mentioned." Bracken pointed out.

"Fine. Fine."

"Wait a minute." Silver said, looking around the submarine. "How is it that I'm here. Because I thought that I was just talking to QC. Vapid whore that she is."

Bracken sighed. "I've told you many times that you are talented. Perhaps now you'll believe me, eh?"

"Whatever, man. Let's just get this plot and whathaveyous figured out. Because it is very late and I want a cookie. I want a cookie?" Silver repeated.

Bracken laughed. "No, I'm the one who wants a cookie, I just thought that I'd use one of my super-hero powers and make you say it. Fun wasn't it?"

"Oh. Yeah. Sure was fun. And boy that's a great power you got there." Sarcasm literally oozed from Silver's mouth.

***************

Falcor and Not-Really-Swedish-But-Really-From-Ohio Boy were still flying over head.

Looking down at all the people He With-The-Long-Name could only say one thing. And one thing only. "Hmmmm."

*****************

Fade in on the gang sleeping in the Hyperion. Gradually, everyone begins to wake up.

Dru: What the hell just happened?

Doyle: �I�m not sure�we all woke up, I�m sure of it�but then somehow we were asleep again.�

He was interrupted, however, when Anya stepped lightly down the stairs of the Hyperion, into the lobby. Doyle was astonished. �Anya! Where have you been for the past 10 or so chapters?�

Anya (smiling): �I was upstairs with Cordelia. She was modeling her a...acting abilities for me.�

Doyle looked skeptical. �It�s true!� Anya insisted. �You know she wants to be an actress!�

cut to...

qc and sil (who is, yes indeed, also the s7 nazi) who are continuing to bicker, despite the an offhand suggestion ten minutes ago that they combine their forces to work against their common enemy, whoever it might be.

silver sighed dramatically. �I�m just saying�someone took control of our minds. We should like, find out who did it, and try to stop them, or something.�

qc got a knowing expression on her face. �Does it matter? We�re in John�s mind anyway! Besides, you can�t fool me,� she said triumphantly. �I know that everything you do is a clever�or in your case, not so clever�.trick to steal moyaJohn from me!�

sil immediately dropped the act. �Damnit, he will be mine!�

�In your dreams!� qc shouted. By now they were both on their feet. It looked like it might come to blows. Ew�not those kind of blows! silver held up a fist. She arched an eyebrow (but not in an attempt to seduce qc) inquisitively. qc met the challenge and raised her own fist. They each shook their fist once...twice...then qc stopped. �Wait! Am I playing John or D�Argo in this scenario?� she asked suspiciously.

silver played innocent, her fist still in the air. �D�Argo...why?�

�Because D�Argo always loses!� qc shrieked, and tackled sil. Fists flying, screeching epithets, the two fought until moyaJohn suddenly walked in.

�Dude, how are you here?� silver asked.

�Duh!� qc said, �I just told you we�re in his mind�did you forget or something?!�

�That�s right,� moyaJohn confirmed. �You�re both in my mind. This whole frelling fic is in my mind! And I want it out!� He grabbed silver and qc each by the fronts of their shirts, and shouted again. �Out, do you hear me!?!�

silver and qc were both too turned on by moyaJohn�s rough-housing to answer, and he snarled in frustration, throwing them both away from him. �And the other John is dead, remember? Why do you persist in calling me moyaJohn still?!�

Lower lip quivering...silver said �We�re sorry!�

qc agreed. �We�ll be good!�

�No,� John said. �It�s too late. I you out of my head, you cadaverous bastards!� (hee...you can never use the word too much ;) ) With that he grabbed them both and proceeded to whip their asses in what looked like an abandoned hangar. Drawing back his fist, he flattened them both with a well-aimed punch. �Can I get a HELL YEAH?!� he screamed.

�Hell Yeah!� came the shout back from the invisible crowd in his head.

With that he picked sil and qc up and tossed them into an open dumpster, and shut the lid on top of them.

�NOOOOOOOOOOO!� they shouted in unison from inside the dumpster. �You can�t leave us in here together!!!!!�

cut to...

...the Hyperion. Everyone was milling around aimlessly, because somewhere along the line this fic became more about qc and sil and their obsession with John, and since they keep writing all the parts, everything else has been pushed to the background.

�Well it stops right here!� Bracken shouted.

�But, shouldn�t we try to find William Shatner, or something?� Drusilla asked hesitantly, �After all, he�s the key to John�s mind, and we�re all stuck in John�s mind.�

Doyle stepped forward. �Yes, the only way to get out of here is to find William Shatner. But...� Doyle suddenly felt a twinge of responsibility, on account of him being the s7 nazi�s Henchman. �But...we should also find SB and put a stop to his evil plan...and get him to finish episode 6.�

�And I suppose Heather�s still trying to take out qc?� Anya said, looking around. �Hey, where did Heather go?�

Bracken sighed. �She must have put us all on Block, if no one can see her.�

�All right,� Doyle said, �This is what we need to do. Anya, Bracken and I are going after Swedish Bob. The rest of you have to try to find William Shatner.�

Beautyone looked resentful. �How come you get to be in charge?�

Doyle blinked. �Because I�m bigger than all of you.�

�Oh,� Beautyone said.

cut to...

...a dumpster in an abandoned Hangar. Two voices can be heard coming from inside.

�Get off my side!� qc shouted.

�I�m not on your bloody side!� silver shouted back.

�Your side, my side. Your side, my side.� qc shrieked.

�Oh good grief.�

*****************

qc and silver were at each other's throats inside the dumpster, fighting over who should have moyajohn when all of a sudden the lid of the dumpster was ripped off by....someone who looked very much like moyajohn (only with freaky hair and wearing all black leather...ben browder....black leather...hmmmh....anyways)

"ladies," he addressed the two then looked at silver, "silver, i need you to make us not fall in love."

silver's and qc's jaws hit the pavement.

"and who might you be?" qc asked,"cause i gotta tell ya, if silver and you...er...moyajohn..whoever fall in love then you're all mine."

"i'm moyajohn from the future." he answered kewly.

"well that explains the hair." sil said.

back at the neglected hyperion...

when bracken wasn't looking, Fred snuck out from somewhere unknown to talk to Doyle for a moment.

"i heard you mention William Shatner. i just remembered i was in a movie called 'Groom Lake' which he directed or produced or something. i could get in touch with him for you."

"Great." Doyle said and gave Fred a hug of appreciation. this did not go unnoticed by Anya who was mysteriously going back up to her bedroom followed by Cordelia. Doyle just shrugged it off.

now at a coffee shop, qc, silver and moyajohn from the future were talking.

"why are we here?" silver asked, "i don't drink coffee."

"exactly!" moyajohn from the future pointed out, "it's so dangerous for you right now, we had to go to the last place they'd look for you."

"who?" silver asked, a bit worried.

"no time for that now. i need you to go find moyajohn and tell him there's absolutely nothing between the two of you."

"uh, excuse me," qc interrupted, "but moyajohn is MINE. if he loves anyone it's gonna be ME (tho i have been treating him like crap lately)."

"you don't understand," moyajohn from the future explained, "when he locked the two of you in that dumpster he...i...we were angry. but next time he lays eyes on silver, he falls in love with her, forgets about you, qc," qc looked saddened, "and then moyajohn's and silver's love brings about the end of the world!"

"how so?" silver wondered.

"i can't explain that right now."

"of course." silver accepted kewly.

"don't be too down, qc." moyajohn from the future said. "i bring some news through time travelling mail for you too. it seems that you are infact an egyptian princess reincarnated."

"oh...good." she said rather glum.

"i thought you'd be excited."

"oh yeah, cause i'm some reincarnation of who-cares-what and silver gets to mate with you in the future like two crazy monkeys and bring about the destruction of the world! that was MY goal in life, damnit!"

high above the skies wherever they were, SB and Falcor sensed an out of place presence down below.

"someone's time travelled here." SB said to his big white doggish/dragon friend (i use the term "friend" loosely)

"is it Xander? cause i never did believe that spoiler..." Falcor began to admit he was a 0% spoiler junkie like qc.

"no, you flappy eared freak," SB said, "it's someone more important to the story than that."

he then flew Falcor down next to the coffee shop qc and silver and moyajohn from the future had been at and parked Faclor in a no parking luck dragons zone. SB walked into the coffee shop and scanned the place for someone who looked out of place. upon finding nothing he went back outside and found a ticket attached to Falcor's nose.

"shi--"

*****************

Back at the coffee shop�.

silver looked thoughtful. �I have the strangest feeling that I�ve done all this before. Or that I�ve seen it somewhere����

qc rolled her eyes. �Dude, entire CHAPTERS at a time in this fic are stolen from someplace or another. God, how does John ever fall in love with you? You are so mentally challenged!�

�You�re just pissed because you know that in the original timeline, John left you for me, and we were happy together�, silver snidely remarked.

�Yeah?� qc replied with venom, �Well now you know it can never be. So you�ll have to give him up. And he�ll be MINE�.mua ha ha ha ha!�

silver sniffed. �But���how can I convince you that we can�t be together?�

John covered silver�s hand with his own, and qc snorted. �I think the answer is obvious. Almost everyone on the board either saw that episode of Roswell, or they found out about it when you made them read your fic. You have to pretend to sleep with someone else to make me give up on you.�

�But why?� silver asked in anguish.

John looked unhappy. �When you and I got married, qc left the board. Without her, we didn�t have the same level of sarcasm and ranting. The Board was never the same afterward, and we didn�t survive. Though a complex chain of events that I can�t go into right now, the end of the sanctuary signaled the end of the world. It is vital that you get the present John and qc together.�

silver: * sigh *

��outside the coffee shop��

Swedish Bob snarled and crumpled the parking ticket up in his fist. �Some day�you�ll pay. Some day you�ll all pay!� he said. Just then, however, a policeman passed in a cruiser and saw SB littering with the unpaid parking ticket. He flicked on his lights and pulled over. As he assumed the position, Swedish Bob muttered under his breath. �Son of a bitch��

Back at the Hyperion�

Everyone said their goodbyes as they split up the group to set out on their respective missions. Beautyone led Drusilla, Angel, Fred and the others, as Doyle, Bracken and Anya started out after SB. Before they seperated, however, Doyle cried out. �Nay! I cannae be seperated from FRED!�

Anya was indignant. �Hey! I�m your WIFE!�

�But you�re cheating on me,� Doyle retorted. �With Cordelia, no less.�

�No!� Anya said. �I was just admiring her a�.acting abilities!�

Bracken was sardonic. �I thought that was her crack? Er��her rack?�

�Either way,� Doyle said, grabbing hold of Fred and dragging her over to his group, �Fred goes with us. You go with B and the others, Anya.�

Looking hurt, Anya joined Beautyone, Dru, Angel and the others (who may or may not include Xenia Seeburg and Jeri Ryan, but almost certainly includes Cordelia), and they started out on their quest to find William Shatner. Bracken, Doyle and Fred headed out to try to find and stop Swedish Bob and his nefarious plan.

Back at the coffee shop��

�So,� qc rubbed her hands together, looking around. �We�ve gotta find a guy for you to sleep with, sil.�

silver furrowed her brow. �No, dude. I don�t actually have to sleep with him��I just need it to look that way to John. The problem is�there isn�t exactly a wellspring of guys around here. I mean�Doyle�s at the Hyperion, and every other guy on the board hasn�t seen fit to join us in the fic.�

qc: �What you need is a sure thing.�

silver paled. �Oh God. Oh God no.�

John looked concerned. �What?�

silver: �I do know someone who�s a sure thing. A certain�man-whore.�

qc gasped. �sil�don�t do it. Even I don�t wish that upon you.�

silver tried to look all brave and strong and stuff. �It�s what I have to do,� she said.

�at the local jail�

Swedish Bob leaned against the bars and sighed. Outside the window, Falcor was worried. �What are we going to do now that you�re in jail?� he asked.

Swedish Bob scowled. �I am not in jail!� he said fiercely. Then he stopped. Looked around. Sighed again. �Damnit.�

At Anthony�s Whorehouse��

�I can�t believe I�m about to do this��.� silver said nervously. She was in the bathroom, wearing a towel. FutureJohn perched on the sink next to her. �Come on, silver, this will never work. I�d never be jealous over a guy like Anthony.�

�Well it�d better work�..� she said. �The fate of the world hangs in the balance.�

They heard Anthony enter the room and get under the covers, and silver started out. John delayed her with a hand on her arm. �If he tries anything,� he warned.

�Stay out of sight,� silver said, freeing herself. �and don�t listen in.� With that she exited the bathroom, and walked over to the bed. She spoke to Anthony. �You do realize we�re not actually going to��.�

�Consumate.� Anthony finished for her. �Yeah, I get it.�

silver took a deep breath and started to get underneath the blanket. Then she realized what she was doing, and pulled back. She ran back into the bathroom. Future John was waiting there with a worried look on his face. She ran into his arms. �I can�t do it,� she said, crying. �I can�t do this to you. We have to find another way!�

will the Hyperion gang find William Shatner? Will Doyle track down SB at the jail? Will the world end now that silver has defied the Roswell storyline? Will this fic ever be funny again, not that we�ve used up all the material? will silver win an emmy for her portrayal of the drama section of this fic? Doubtful.

*****************

sil desperately tried to make out with futureJohn, while he tried to pry her off of his face and qc rolled her eyes. This oh-so exciting situation was thankfully interrupted by a loud blast.

"Shit." Who said this? Does it matter?

Through the charred and smoking remains of the wall stepped... the Brackenbot. (Whoo! Continuity!)

"Aw, fuck. Can't you see that I'm busy?" sil tried to indicate with her head that she wanted the Brackenbot to piss off. "Can you save it for later?"

qc rubbed her hands together with glee. "Ah. Brackenbot. Your arrival is most fortuitous."

futureJohn faced sil. "What's up with her?"

"No fucking idea, dude. I swear, I can't understand a word she says, sometimes."

"Get stuffed, sil. I don't wanna hear you payen me out. I shoulf kick yer arse."

"Whatever." sil decided that some sort of action might actually make the the story somewhat entertaining, so she shoved the Brackenbot out through the hole (they were in a building, right? I'm so lazy), and our three... well, not even anti-heroes, really... pushed some furniture against the hole and raced upstairs. Because there's an upstairs, okay?

The three of them peered out over the balcony, to see the Brackenbot below. qc brightened. "Hey, I've got an idea. John, run back and forth, and make like an army."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"I don't even have a gun."

"I thought that you did."

"I'm not sure. I don't remember. Maybe I just have leather. I don't think that's enough to distract the Brackenbot. She's not addicted to the show yet."

"What fucken good are ya, man?"

John stormed up to qc, and shook her. (Excellent. Her plan worked. Mmm, that's some good shaking.) "You know what? Frell you. Frell all of you."

sil smiled. "That's my John!"

John whirled to face her. "You too." sil's jaw dropped. "I'm sick of both of you." John spun to leave.

sil followed. "But... where are you going?"

John set his jaw. (Mmm squared.) "Where you two can't follow. I'm sick of this place. I'm going driving. Um, I mean... I'm going to do what I shouldn't do - I'm going to find my present self."

sil gasped. "Don't be a fool!"

"Bite me. I took the liberty of stealing Crais's red high heels. They're a present for me. The present me. He's never going to look at another chick again. Small price to pay to avoid you two."

John received two identically aghast expressions for his troubles. He grinned. "So long, girls - from now on, John Crichton's getting rolled over and having his other side basted." He paused. "Man, that just sounds gross."

With that, John grabbed a couple of poles, and swung up between them. He paused. Nothing happened. "Crap." With a sigh, he stalked off, and went down the fire escape (and no, that's not a euphemism. Damn you people).

sil and qc stared at each other, unbelieving. The Brackenbot advanced, but they didn't give a flying fuck. The silence grew deafening. Still nothing happened. The tension grew palpable.

Suddenly, it was broken with an outraged shriek, as qc flew towards sil, and yanked her hair. "BITCH!!!"

Will someone chop of qc's hands so that she doesn't write another chapter about herself? Find out soon....

*****************

qc decided to continue on with her story somewhat. After all, Dru was going to write the next chapter, so there might be some actual action from the other characters then.

Meanwhile, the bitchfight continued....

"Cow!"

"Slut!"

"Big-holed whore!"

"Indecipherable FREAK!"

The two combatants pulled back from each other, each aghast at such hideous language, the slings and arrows of a writer with an outrageously fucked-up vocabulary.

sil sighed. "Look, we have to work this out calmly and rationally. Neither of us has John. We have to keep it together, or else it'll be the end of the world as we know it, and IIIII feeeel fiiiiiine... no, wait, I don't."

"Calm? Rational? Eh? What kind of crazy firewater have you been drinking, little chief? And maybe I want the end of the world to come. 'Cause there sure as shit ain't anything to keep me here anymore."

sil placed her hand hesitantly on qc's shoulder. "Come on. There's plenty of things to live for. Like Spring, and pupae dogs."

"Dude, I'm not even *going* there."

"You're the one who coined that typo."

"Bite me."

"Come on. We have to work together. Besides," an evil grin spread over sil's features, "I think I have a plan where we can BOTH have John. Each of us with a John of our own, and John who never talks back, no matter what - unless you want him to."

qc grinned back. "Now you're speaking my language."

"Man, I hope not."

"Shuddup."

It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, but the Brackenbot, possessed by the spirit of Convenient Timing, burst in. To qc's surprise, sil smiled.

"Ah. Brackenbot. Just the plot contrivance I wanted to see."

Brackenbot tilted her head quizzically to the side. "Eh?" She slumped somewhat as qc broke a rather sturdy-looking chair over her head. sil rolled her eyes. "Dude, did you have to break the Aurora Chair? Big Daddy Scorpy isn't going to be pleased." There was a pause as qc fished out a mirror from somewhere, and carefully raised one eyebrow. "Yes! Did it!"

"Did what?"

"Eh, fuck you."

"Anyway - " sil was interrupted by a sound. A strange sound. Something like "eeeeeee". She slowly turned, to spy the Brackenbot moving back and forth in a strange fashion, trying to balance qc's mirror on her nose.

"Oh, great. This is just who you wanted to see? Man, I've gotta get me a better sidekick."

"Sidekick?"

"Just an expression. No meaning behind it, of course." qc tried to smile innocently.

"As I was trying to say, I've got a plan...."

******

Aaaand we're at the gaol. Whee.

"What the hell is a gaol?"

"It's a jail, Swedish Boy. Don't question my spellings."

"Damnit." Swedish Bob went back to his breakfast of oatmeal, and delivered a swift jab to Falcor's eye with his elbow when that bastard of a luck dragon tried to steal it.

******

Doyle and his little posse moseyed on into the jail. Bracks flashed her sheriff's badge, and the guard waved them on in. The barkeeper beckoned invitingly, and while the others downed a few shots of whiskey, Doyle quietly made his way into a darkened corner of the saloon... I mean, jail... and leaned against the wall. Another figure, looking damned fetching in full-on cowboy getup, leaned casually beside him.

Doyle whispered the secret question out of the corner of his mouth. "You do know that Harry Potter sucks, right?"

"Shityeah." futureJohn attempted to look as nonchalant as possible while he sipped his drink and gazed about the jail.

Over at the bar, Bracks was happily on her way to getting sloshed, while Fred considered beaning up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee.

Doyle and futureJohn wound up their conversation, and John wandered back to the bar. Doyle watched appreciatively. Everything was going to plan. At last, Ben Browder... erm, John Crichton... would be his....

******

The Brackenbot seemed almost fixed. qc and sil smiled proudly.

"I've programmed her with my plan. Hopefully, she'll be able to help us." sil admired her handiwork. The Brackenbot smiled and blinked. sil gave her a little shove. "Now, go!"

The Brackenbot nodded seriously. "Thankyou for teaching me how to kill again." With that, she was gone. Well, not quite. She turned, and walked out of the door. How dramatic.

qc and sil looked at each other. What now?

What now, indeed? Whatever the hell happened to presentJohn? Is sil still wearing that towel from a few chapters ago? Where's qc's cromulent spy, Liz? Are Bone and Jeri Ryan getting it on? Bring on Dru's chapter! YEEHAW! *rams Aeryn's prowler* Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there.

*****************

Back in the prison, Swed was scraping the last bits of oatmeal from his bowl.

"Dude, that was disgusting" said Falcor.

"Shut up you useless lizard" grumbled Swed-fish. "You're just jealous cause I used up all the brown sugar and butter."

"Thats not it at all! You ate Present Johns brain! Call it oatmeal all you want but his body is right over there in the corner"

(Pan to corner, where Present John is laying lifeless, and uh...brainless)

"Omg! Who let B1 write a chapter?" moaned Swed, tearing off his shirt and flexing his shoulders. He shrugged into a long leather duster and started swirling it, and making dramatic poses.

"Stop! Someone stop her!"

B1 cackled at her own clever wit, and moved the story to.....another part of the jail, where she paused briefly to hand Doyle a turkey baster and then ran away, too chicken to stay and make dialogue.

"Bloody no way!" yelled Doyle, tossing the baster after her. "You and Cozy are fucked if you think you're gonna make me do that!"

The Brackenbot, after exiting whereever she was, went straight downtown and broke into the sporting goods shop. She picked up some really kewl and dangerous weapons and ran out way before the cops showed up. She didnt stop for even a minute to gloat or preen but showed up immediatly in the next scene, at the saloon.

The Saloon

Liz K was passing out drinks and listening to all the good gossip. No one had noticed the tape recorder on the bar, Liz was too slow a writer to take decent notes on paper.

"So, FutureJohn. You like Silver best right?"

Liz nudged him and tried to get him out of Doyles lap.

"Frell yourself" mumbled FJ, in a drunken haze.

Brackybot stepped into the saloon, swore, and tried to scrape it off her foot. "Damnit!, these are my best boots."

She pulled out her BRAND NEW AND STOLEN WEAPONS and started shooting aimlessly.

"Brackybot! WTF are you doing????" shouted Bracken ducking behind the foosball table.

"I must kill you all" Said the bot in a monotone. She shot over and over, hitting everything but her targets.

"Cripes, why didn't Sil teach me to aim?" she cried as she short circuited in frustration.

****************************

ewww! and is Swed really a killer? How come Future John didnt disapear? How much is Doyle gonna hate us? Someone else will have to tell, because my part is done!

*****************

Matt opened the door to Hyperion loaded with his baggage from his trip to Sunnydale.

"Why the fuck are there holes in the wall in the shape of Bracken?" he yelled while waiting for a response.

Sophie walked out from Cordy's room.

"Fuck knows. I came to see if Cordy was here. I am so desperate for a quickie." the quirky blonde squeaked.

"Cordy is lesbian?"

"Oh totally. She's been with Anya for god knows how long. I'm her bit on the side."

Matt pondered the news.

"So does Doyle not care?"

"What when he's lusting after Fred?"

"DOYLE FANCIES FRED! God I'd never have guessed. So uh what else has been happening?"

"Well I kinda wasn't here at the beggining and this story is totally fucked... but from what I can work out... there is some evil Bracken Bot about..."

[flashbacks of the hole in the wall making]

"uh Swede man is jail or sumthing..."

[flashbacks to him eating porridge]

"oh and Silver and QC are fighting..."

[flashbacks of the slapping and screaming]

"over some dead freak called John who has come from the future."

[flashbacks of John with Sil and QC at a cafe]

"Fuck knows who he is!"

At that moment the doors of the Hyperion flung open as an 18 year old guy walked in...

"I need your help!" he yelled.

"And you would be?" Matt and Sophie queried in unison.

"I am MoyaJohn from the past." he spoke bluntly.

Matt and Sophs looked at each other blankly.

"This story is sooo fucked!"

*****************

qc and sil entered the jail, only mildly surprised to discover that it was more like a saloon. (How did they know to go to the jail? Beats me.) They stepped through to the actual jail part, not noticing that a somewhat inebriated futureJohn was stumbling after them.

Back out in reality, John watched what was going on inside his head in bemusement. He wasn't exactly sure how he was in his head and dead, but hey, the universe hadn't caved in, so he didn't care. With a shrug, he ignored an urge to scream "they're... they're EATING ME!", and instead went off to get a beer (and none of that Foster's shit!).

sil and qc made their way to SB's cell. qc's eyes widened in shock as she saw the gruesome scene. She cleared her throat surreptitiously to get SB's attention, his head jerking up guiltily.

sil, who hadn't been paying much attention (interested more in trying to follow the storyline), finally laid eyes on the cell - and she SCREAMED. A scream with longevity that would make the Energizer Bunny jealous. qc clamped her hands over her ears as the walls began to melt - as did SB. qc watched in horror as SB's features slid away, to reveal....

"Scorpy!"

Scorpy smiled, as sil stopped screaming and wavered unsteadily. "But of course. I mean, who else here has a history of eating John Crichton's brain, really?"

An uncertain voice answered from behind them. "True, dat." Suddenly, futureJohn blinked. "Shit! Oh man, I do NOT believe this! You ate my ENTIRE brain this time? Oh, man!"

Scorpy approached him. "See, we have this tradition in our family, where you have to eat a past lover's brain - "

"WHOA! No, no, NO! I do NOT wanna hear about this, you grotesque bastard! You stay the hell away from my brain!"

"It's my brain, it's my brain! What, are we on the schoolyard now?"

realityJohn, who had just tuned back in, smiled. Well, why not?

Suddenly, they found themselves out of the jail cell, and on a playground. Scorpy looked down at his schooldress and long plaited pigtails, and sighed. This was getting too silly. On the upside, though, he was free. He smiled, but was slightly confused when three hooded figures approached from a nearby woodshed.

"William Shatner is the Key. The Key must be destroyed. Such is the will of qc." BD Wong, Daniel Dae Kim, and Garrett Wang walked on past, still chanting their mantra. qc tried to look inconspicuous.

sil glanced at qc's hand. "When did you start wearing a glove?"

qc thrust her hand behind her back. "That's beside the point."

"Why do you want to destroy the Key?"

"I don't."

"Then why did those guys - "

"Look, forget about that, alright? It never happened."

sil's eyes narrowed. "There are Pretenders among us."

futureJohn lurched drunkenly against her. "No shit."

This incredibly interesting dialogue was interrupted by yet another convenient arrival. pastJohn blinked in confusion. Out in reality, John smiled. "Dance, puppets, dance!"

pastJohn gazed around. Two chicks he didn't know, a dead future version of himself, a luck dragon, the corpses of several schoolchildren, a leatherclad pigtailed freak with a schooldress, and a futurefuture version of himself, happily singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" to himself. Hang on - a dead version of himself? Oh, man.

pastJohn (who was dead sexy, natch) tried to get his bearings. "So, if you're him and he's you, and you're him, and he's him... am I still me?"

qc leered. "Of course you are. And that means you're mine. Yoink!" pastJohn looked around in bewilderment as qc pulled his jacket off.

"But... but...." pastJohn tried to make sense of the situation. His eyes fell again on his future self's corpse, hanging over a swing. "That's me in the corner!" He recoiled as a freshly-materialised Michael Stipe whacked him over the head with a large trout, and disappeared again.

sil blinked. "Oh, yeah. The whole Braveshit thing. What the hell ever *did* happen to that storyline?"

qc shrugged as she tugged desperately at pastJohn's leather pants, which didn't seem to want to come off. "Does it really matter?"

"Guess not." sil winced as she watched qc's efforts to undress pastJohn. Does that girl have no morals at all? I mean, his corpse is right there, and she's making with his past self, who has no idea what's going on! sil shook her head as she licked futureJohn's chest. Honestly, that qc... she should be ashamed.

sil ran her hands through futureJohn's hair, futureJohn himself being entirely oblivious to pretty much everything that was going on. "I can't believe that you'd sink so low, qc. Even Kirk wouldn't sink that low."

realityJohn prepared for his big moment. It was nice to be pulling the strings.

Suddenly, a veritable buttload of neglected characters materialised... including William Shatner. He looked around guiltily, and quickly unlocked his lips from Bone's. Jeri Ryan looked aghast. "You... and HIM?!?!" While Bone tried to plead desperately, Shatner turned to the rest of the group (which may or may not include other characters, depending on whether or not they want to write themselves into doing different things while this is going on).

sil turned to him. "Please, could you explain what's going on?"

Shatner gave him his best "I've impregnated half the known universe" smile, and began. "See, it all started when I humped the board's leg...."

What the hell is going on? Anyone wanna help me remove my hands so that Dru can write her chapter before the whole damned story ends?

*****************

Amidst the din, qc couldn't understand a damn word that William Shatner was saying. "What?" she asked loudly, pointing to her ear, "What? Talk louder! I can't hear you!" William Shatner tried to make himself understood, but the volume of noise in the room increased as well. Frustrated, he gave up and started to leave.

"Don't walk away from me, Bitch!" qc shrieked at him, and grabbed his arm, pulling him around again to face her, and knocking them both into silver and Doyle. There was a flash, and suddenly qc found herself in an etheral environment, with the back of her head seemingly welded to the backs of sil's, doyle's, and Shatner's heads.

"Aaaaah, what the crap is going on?!" Doyle screamed.

"We're......in Unity.....Doyle." William Shatner explained. "I.....decided.....it would be the easiest way, to talk to.....you."

"Bloody hell," silver cursed. "Just hurry up and tell us then, so we can get the frick outta here. This is totally wigging me."

"No!" qc shouted. She was trying to shout at Shatner, but her head wouldn't turn around at all, so she ended up shouting out to the nothing she faced.

*Gasp* "The Nothing?!!!!!" Falcor cried. "We need Atrayu!"

"What? What the hell? You're not even in this segment," Doyle said in his own direction. "Go 'way. Go on now. Shoo."

Falcor sulked off, and William Shatner resumed his story. "It all.....began when I humped the board's leg....."

qc tried frantically to release herself, but she couldn't. "Help! Help!" she cried. "I'm trapped in a Unity Bond with William Shatner and I can't get out!"

"Of course at the time," Shatner continued, "I was wearing a goat costume."

"Stop it!" qc shrieked. "Shhhhhhhhhutup!"

Doyle looked sick. "I think I know where this is going...."

"As well you should, Doyle," Shatner said serenely. "qc's....tastes.....are widely known. She just can't pass up....a spread pair of hind legs."

silver and Doyle made retching noises. "Ewwww!" silver cried. "You raped William Shatner when he was dressed up like a goat?!"

qc was practically frothing at the mouth. "I didn't know it was him! Do you think I would have ever......ugh!"

"There's more," Shatner said. "Doyle. silver." (deep breathing noises) "I am your father."

Doyle and silver and qc: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Doyle: "It's not true!"

silver: "That's impossible!"

William Shatner cocked his head as much as he could while still in unity. "I.....find your lack of faith disturbing."

"Oh Glory," Doyle heaved. "That must mean....it must mean that qc's...."

"Our mother!" silver said, horrified.

"It's not true," Doyle said again to himself. "It can't be true. I'm half-demon."

"Yes," Shatner admitted. "Of course I'm not.......human. I mean really. Look at me, Doyle. Listen to the way.......I talk. Do you....think that's natural?"

"But I'm not a demon," silver panted, still struggling with the distasteful news.

"You have the genes," Shatner replied, "But they're recessive in you. You're just a carrier."

"Oh Glory," Doyle said, "I think I'm going to be sick."

"You're going to be sick?!" silver cried, "My mother and I both have the hots for the same guy!"

Doyle shuddered. From her place in the ....4-headed funky welded head thing, qc said nothing as silent tears tracked their way down her face.

William Shatner sighed. "It is time to leave Unity."

"Sure," Doyle replied sarcastically. "We could do that. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my MOTHER!"

There was another flash, and suddenly all four found themselves on the floor of the saloon in a heap.

*****************

Buffy swung the door open to the Saloon. Hands on her hips she glared down at the heap of people. "Hello? Remember me? Wounded heart-girl? Bandaid? Aren't you supposed to be helping me or am I dead again? I'm dead aren't I?" Buffy rolled her eyes and began to pace.

*****************

(Maria is standing in front of a blackboard with a piece of white chalk)

*****************

Doyle gazed around himself in wonder. Not that there was much to see. qc wondered why the hell she was trying to write a chapter whilst feeling completely uninspired and rather hungry.

*****************

previously:

*****************

previously, Atreyu asked Moonchild (the child-like empress), "why do you worship Bastian like he's the king of the universe? i freaking killed Gmork didn't i?! all Bastian did was give you a sodding name! and a dumbarse one at that."

*****************

[Fred stands in front of a blackboard looking like a complete slut]