Jebediah's Gospel o' Doom
Hi. I am Jebediah, son of Jakob, son of Sven, son of Mary-Ann-Kate and an unknown cross dressing gigolo, son of Rahwoul, son of Michelangus,
son of Abraham, son of Job, son of George. I have three brothers and fourteen sisters, all named Bob. This is the story of my extremely boring,
corrupt, violent, angst-filled, uncontrollably horny, retarded life. As I already stated, I am the son of Jakob, wealthy owner of a
corporation that monopolized the canned beans industry in the 1940�s, with a midget fetish.
He married a Siberian dancing midget girl named Ishka in 1943. Ishka had an unusual fondness for her two Mongolian racing horses, but my
father put up with it because she gave him a little private horizontal dance every night, if you know what I mean. We lived a happy life on
our inner-city farm in South Central LA.
My father taught me how to bust a cap at a young age, so I was able to easily fend off the young black kids, who tried to take my pinky.
I later befriended them, and learned their ways. At age sixteen, I was king of the hood. However, my father, mother, and brothers were
killed by three female hell bound Hispanic hit men. I left my sisters with friends, and went on a pilgrimage to Newark, New Jersey, to
find myself. I stopped at hoods of several assorted cities on the way. My views were corrupted by the influence of the white folk, and withdrawal
from fried chicken. I blamed the Hispanics for my downward descent into depression. I harbored deep anger and began to express them through my
rap songs. I performed locally in Detroit, and was awesome, but then I was forced to leave. That pussy-ass Eminem stole all my songs and got famous several years later.
I got to New York, and decided to make my home. I set up my crib and now live with my homies and my bitches. I�ve been recently trying to pursue
a career in philosophy in my old age, but lacking inspiration, my bro Stu and I are revolutionizing the silly philosophy industry. Sometimes, I get distracted,
and I think I can�t handle my life. The bitches are always bothering me. I tell them to make me pie, but they just giggle and play with each other�s boobs. A man can�t
live off goddamn baked beans all the time, but they don�t seem to get the message. There are enough of them, why can�t a couple of them get in the kitchen and make me pie?!
Lately, I�ve been thinking. The Bible is the biggest work of philosophy, right? Well, then, if Stu and I are in the field of silly philosophy, we should write the Silly
Bible. Well, apparently, we did, because you�re reading it right now. Back to my gospel. Since this is my gospel, and it is the part of our Silly Bible when I get to
express my view, this will be the crowning piece of my philosophy.
I am Jebediah, and these are my views. You don�t have to agree with them, and I know many of you will label me a sexist, racist, homophobic redneck, but I think you can
fuckoff. Males are the dominant gender. We are the ones who invented duct tape, ass cream, and canned beans. The woman�s job is to get in the kitchen and make me pie.
And it better be strawberry rhubarb. And what about those Hispanics. Always killing my parents. I mean, who has yellow sin? Honestly. I�ll tell you one thing. If those
yellow assed mofos ever show their face in my house, I�ll have to lay down some mad kung fu crazy shizat on their asses. I�ll whip out my firm white fourteen incher and
show them whose boss. That�s what it�s all about. Some of the most important things in my life are my belts. I don�t know how I�d get through my fits without them. I need
my belts. How else would I whip the bitches into shape? I�d never get my pie.
Sometimes I get in these crazy fits and tie 'em up and lay down some mad funk with fifty lashes in the back. Here�s the second piece to my philosophy. What�s up with this
�world,� and this �society?� They�re dumb. Honestly: hasn�t anybody else ever noticed that. We�ve got Osama bin fucking Laden over there, trying to blow up America, and
Bushhead over here trying to blow up the rest of the world, and all the dirty ruskies over there drinking their vodka (it�s not vodka, it�s potato). We need good old-fashioned
tyrant to get all the women back in their kitchens, silence the feminazis and get rid of goddamn South America and all the friggin� Hispanics that screwed our world just like
Tommy Lee screwed Pam�s big white ass.
That�s my gospel. If you don�t like it, read Stu�s, and if you don�t like either, than you can go play with your ass.
Here Here! Pie is the Shit! Stew is also the Shit!
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