Book 5 - Random Silly Shit
This section is often referred to as the book that is not a book. It is the home of
shit worthy of the name silly but not quite fitting into the main silly categories.
Silly Pranks
- Stuff to do at McDonald's: ask for a smile; ask for a cup of water hold the cup; walk
through the drivethru; eat your burger king food; ask where they keep the weasel meat; ask
why they switched to all-white meat, did the minorities put up too much of a struggle
- Go up to a random person on the street, preferably important-looking, and say, I found
this quarter on the ground. I have to return it to its rightful owner by the end of the day
or my boss will kill me. They say it isn't theirs, you say please just take it! GO! RUN! Wait
about five seconds then yell THIEF! That man stole my quarter! and chase him
- Ask a random person to hold an egg for a sec, then karate chop the egg in their hand (note:
this will not work in NYC)
- take a screenshot of someone else's desktop, set it as their background, and delete all icons.
Sit back and watch the confusion.
- In a public restroom stall, make loud constipated noises, bang against the walls, and shout "WOULD
SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME SOME TOILET PAPER!" or fall out onto the floor with your pants partway up and
exclaim "shit! not again"
- When someone asks to go to the bathroom say "go get em tiger" with a pat on the back
00's Vocabulary
- SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one
of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
- SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
- STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in
divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
- STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out
and whiny.
- SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the
class; the rest were just tourists."
- TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed
material.
- XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
- GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for
losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of
postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
- ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person
in an office or work group.
- CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.:
"Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips
or your salsa."
- G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as
soon as they are solvent again.
- IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The
O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, etc.
- DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail
of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have
reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial
our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also,
"Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned"
- VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the
warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously
pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the
Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the "THREE-FINGERED
SALUTE."
- YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a
meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food
stamps."
- ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb
success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
- BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a
deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.
- SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
craps over everything and then leaves.
- SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end.
- CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
- CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe
ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is
within earshot is a huge CLM.
- ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the
adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to
the problems they were designed to solve.
- DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived
from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip
character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the
specs for the fourth time this week."
- FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave the company or department soon.
- 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error
message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document
could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ...
he's 404, man."
- GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip
malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica
that I forgot what city we were in."
- OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you
realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of
an electronic device to get it to work again.
- UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed
intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um
..friend."
- BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who
look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
- CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
- IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea
generators running.
- MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch
Potato.
- PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in
a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.
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