Book 4 - Silly Philosophy
This is in many ways our most important book, but in many ways not. You must use it as an example
and in time learn to think deeply as our founding prophets and a freelance silly genius known as Jack
Handey have. Through these deep thoughts you can enlighten yourself.
Deep thoughts of Jack Handey
- When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers.
- Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise
- If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch you lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
- Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
- The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
- If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
- Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
- If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. they look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
- If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.
- Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we won't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
- If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin.
- One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.
- If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
- Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class, how about individual push buttons on each desk? That way, when you want to ask a question, you just push the button and it lights up a corresponding number on a tote board at the front of the class. Then all the professor has to do is check the lighted number against a master sheet of names and numbers to see who is asking the question.
- When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, kick the other leg up high behind you to keep people from following too close.
- When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend he is.
- If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said 'inspection,'" They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
- I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.
- I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, While you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake.
- How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.
- The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man."
- The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could nothing stop it? Maybe Bob could. He was suddenly on top of the meteor - through some kind of space warp or something. "Go, Bob, go!" yelled one of the generals. "Give me that!" said the big-guy general as he took the microphone away. "Listen, Bob, " he said. "You've got to steer that meteor away from Earth." "Yes, but how?" thought Bob. Then he got an idea. Right next to him there was a steering wheel sticking out of the meteor.
- If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
- You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
- It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
- Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
- It's good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you.
- I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
- Here's a good joke to do during and earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
- If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
- I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making a movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
- If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
- I didn't want to cut down that tree. But I had no choice. It was growing right where I'm going to build my house, if I can ever get enough money together to build it and also if I have enough money to buy the land. That's another thing: I need to find out who owns that land.
- As I felt ths soft cool mud squish between my toes, I thought, Man, these are not very good shoes!
- When I went for my first job interview, I guess I was pretty confident, because I told the guy who was interviewing me he was fired. I didn't get that job, but that isn't what bothered me. What bothered me was I found out a few months later that that guy was still working there. Hey, man, I fired you!
- When I gave the bellboy his tip, he just sort of snarled at me. So I gave him more money, but he just kept snarling. Finally, I realized, Hey, you're not the bellboy, this is a robbery! I asked him anyway if he would carry my bag, but he wouldn't.
- What started out to be a nice pleasant drive in the country turned into the "Afternoon from Hell." First of all, when Marta and I were leaving, the cats looked at us like, "Where are you going?" Then, when we were driving, we had to stop and get gas. So right there that's time taken away from looking at the scenery. Then, when we get home, guess what the cats were doing? Sleeping! Man, what next?
- One Thanksgiving my parents did something I don't know if I can ever forgive them for. We were eating our turkey dinner when I realized I hadn't seen my pet turkey all day. "Where's Mister Gobble?" I asked. Dad seemed confused. "Mister Gobble?" "Yes," I said. "My turkey. The one I picked out at the supermarket, and then after he thawed out I made hom do a funny little turkey dance. Mister Gobble." Dad's silence said it all. We were eating Mister Gobble. I ran crying from the table and locked myself in my room. Later, Dad knocked on my door and said he had some dessert for me. When I opened the door, I couldn't believe it. It was a slice of Pumpkie, my pet pie!
- The first time I saw the ocean, I was real disappointed. "That's the ocean?!" I said. No, said Mom and Dad, that's just the parking lot. When we pulled into the lot, I was real disappointed in it. It was hard to find a spot, and the spaces seemed way too narrow, in my book. The ocean was okay, I guess, but I still can't get over how disappointing that parking lot was!
- I'll never forget the time Grandma tripped at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down and then rolled and hit her head against the front door. We all laughed and laughed until we realized, Hey, she's not joking!
- Aunt Lucy always used to win first prize at the county fair for her apple pie. It wasn't a real county fair- that's just what they called it at the mental home where she lived. And it wasn't real apple pie, either. Usually it was a ball of dough with tongue depressors and pieces of gum sticking out of it. Still, she won.
- I remember the time I asked Grandpa what he did in the war. At first he didn't say anything. Then he pulled a frozen T-bone steak from under his shirt. "I stole this," he said. "No," I said, "not the store, the war." He showed me a red mark on his stomach and said he was wounded, but I think it was from the T-bone.
- One year, Dad decided he was going to save money on haircuts, so he bought an electric haircutter kit. At first everything went fine, but then he gave us haircuts. They were horrible. Then everthing seemed to be going fine for a while, but then he gave us haircuts again. So I guess, mostly, it was a good idea.
- When I found the wallet in the road, I started wondering about the guy who owned it. Who was he? Was it William Gregory of 2407 Eastwood Lane, like the driver's license said, or was it someone else? And what was he going to spend the $220 on? About a week later, I started wondering again about the wallet guy. What was he like? And where was he going to spend his five dollars?
- I think the biggest mistake I ever made in my life was not eating all of that guy's pie, instead of just half of it, because he was in the rest room for at least another two or three minutes.
- The way I see it, kids need exercise more than they need ice cream. So when I worked as an ice cream man, driving an ice cream truck, I would try to drive fast enough that the kid couldn't catch me, but not so fast that he'd give up right away. Some kids will chase you for eight or nine blocks.
- One wierd thing that happened to me was one time I was in a plane that was landing and I suddenly stood up and yelled, "The plane's going to crash! The plane's going to crash!" The stewardess told me to sit down and be quiet, so I did. The plane landed okay, but as we were all going to get our bags, I started yelling, "Our bags aren't going to be there! They're not gonna be there!" But they were, even Strappy. So I rented one of those metal carts to put your bags on, and guess what happened? I crashed into another guy's cart. So that's pretty wierd, isn't it?
- I remember the first time I went to the museum and saw the mummy. At first, I was afraid of it. So, to get over my fear, I started pointing at the mummy and doing a funny little dance. But then I couldn't stop doing the dance. Something made me dance faster and faster until I finally fell on the floor. Even then I couldn't stop doing the dance. I flailed about helplessly, yelling some wierd Egyptian words! Then I think I passed out, from hitting my head on the marble floor. Now, I'm happy to say, I'm no longer afraid of the mummy, mainly because I don't go there anymore.
Deep Thoughts of Jebediah and Stu
- Ever wonder why there aren�t any Eskimo hobos? It�s because when they can�t afford an igloo they all die.
- If you lit an Eskimo on fire, he�d have to roll around on his igloo to put it out, and the igloo would melt on him and he�d freeze if you didn�t light him on fire again.
- I tried to think deeply about clowns, but I thought if I did, I might die.
- Ever wonder why nuns don�t dress up like clowns and run around scaring children and biting old ladies? It�s a mystery.
- You wonder why there aren�t ever any midget nuns. I bet you think it�s because it�s a big international nun conspiracy to keep midgets out of nunhood. Well, you�re wrong.
- Have you ever wanted to put on a pink bunny suit and run around yelling, �We must appease the Bunny Lord,� while burning people and running into buildings? I haven�t.
- Sometime in your life you�ve wondered why there aren�t any dinosaurs anymore. It�s because they all died.
- If you tell a bunch of kids that there is no Santa Claus, and they start ripping your flesh off and eating it, they�re probably Zombie Babies.
- Have you ever thought that in some alternate universe, 2+2=5? Well, you�re stupid. It�s six.
- You�d be wrong to call someone who always wears tight purple jumpsuits weird, because we�re all different in our own ways. Unless it was a guy.
- There is no bad music, only country music.
- If a tree chases you down, cuts your feet off and asks you where the pink hippos went, you�re probably high.
- People do more stupid stuff because they think they�re high then when they actually are high.
- Nobody has a girlfriend who goes to a different school.
- If you�re a vegan, and you see a fat person eating beef, a funny thing to say would be: I thought whales ate plankton. It still works if you�re not a vegan.
- Nobody says porno anymore, they just say porn.
- If I were George Bush and I had a son, I�d name him Harry.
- Fat people are people too.
- Here Here!
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