Book 3 - Silly Jokes
Zombie Baby Jokes
- What's bald, has big clacking teeth, and wobbles?
A zombie baby wearing the dentures of an elderly woman whose brains it just ate.
- What's 18 inches long, red, yellow and makes women scream?
A zombie baby chomping the head off the family parakeet.
- What's funnier than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby dressed as Dan Rather.
- What's black and white and red all over?
A nun being devoured by Satanic zombie babies.
- What's red and gray and splashes?
A zombie baby playing in a puddle of brains.
- How do you put a zombie baby to sleep?
Decapitate it, set it on fire, and scatter the ashes.
- What's grosser than nailing a zombie baby to a post?
Watching it pull itself off and then try and eat you.
- What's blue, red, and goes "pop"?
A zombie baby exploding out of Cookie Monster's belly.
- What's red, and covered in ribbons?
Zombie baby playing in intestines.
- What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and one of zombie babies?
The bowling balls don't try and bite off your fingers when you unload them.
- What's the best gift to give a zombie baby?
A zombie puppy.
- What's green, blue, red, and tastes funny?
A zombie baby eating a clown.
- What's white and red and wears rubber gloves?
A doctor being eaten alive by a zombie baby.
- What's red and sits in a high chair?
A zombie baby eating a twitching, human foot.
- What did the Mommy Aborigine say to the Daddy Aborigine?
"A zombie baby ate my dingo!"
- What's cuter than a zombie baby?
A zombie baby with a bunny head in its mouth.
- What's small, red, and can't turn around in a corridor?
A zombie baby impaled on a 7-foot iron spear.
- What did the Zombie Mommy say to the Zombie Baby?
"You have your Father's eyes�in your fists behind your back!"
- What's blue, covered with frost, and sits next to a turkey?
Zombie baby in the freezer.
- What's silver and red and waddles into walls?
A hungry zombie baby with forks in its eyes
Office Jokes
- After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft
- When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
- There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
- A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
He rushes home, grabs everything and hurries off.
A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"
"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."
Black Eye
A man with a black eye, boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down. He immediately notices that the man next to him also has a black
eye and says, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind
if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy replies, "Well, it was a tongue twister accident. I was
at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most beautiful
large breasts was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to
Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to
Tittsburgh.'... and she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,
'Please pour me a cup of coffee honey.' But I accidentally said,
'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch'.
More Jokes
- What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
- Where does an Irish family go on vacation.
A different bar.
- Did you hearabout the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
- What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
- What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
- How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word ?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO* !
- What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
- My, my, how times have changed.
Years ago...When 100 white men chased one
black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;
Today they call it the PGA TOUR.
- Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
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