Book 2 - The Lists
Things that piss me off
- People who dont tolerate other peoples nationalities
- The Dutch
- Michael Jackson
- Mexicans
- Fruits
- Fairies
- People who think they can snowboard and wear wife beaters and Hawaiian shirts and break their arms snowboarding and have girlfriends who go to a different school
- Rednecks
- Miss Cleo
- People that say Go get em tiger
- Stoners
- Wannabe stoners
- People who take out movies on your account and dont return them on time (John)
- Yuppies
- Nazis
- Old ladies who try to touch your ass
- Guys that watch chick flicks (see numbers -)
- White rappers who disown their moms
- People that havent seen Blazing Saddles
- Whiners
- Fat chicks
- Wiggers
- People whose ass is so big it hits the seats when they get off a bus
- Feminazis
- Frumpy old men
- Kindergartners they smell bad
- Grade school pimps
- Boy scouts
- Rappers
- People that listen to rap
- Carson Daily
- Goths
- Ravers
- Yes-men
- Old people who cant tell when they fart
- Boy bands
- Britney Spears with clothes on
- People who wear shirts of band they havent seen
- People who think Popeye is a sex symbol
The Shit List
- The Ghost Shit - the kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but theres no shit in the bowl
- The Clean Shit - the kind where you feel shit come out, see the shit in the bowl, but theres no shit on the toilet paper
- The Wet Shit - You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped so you end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks
- The Wet Cheeks Shit - thats the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water or splash back
- The Liquid Shit - thats the sort where yellowish brown liquid shoots out of your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time burning your tender anus
- The Mexican Food Shit - in a class of its own
- The Mexican Shit - isn't it kind of redundant?
- The Second Wave Shit - this shit happens when you think youve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to shoot some more
- The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Shit - you have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke
- The Corn Shit - no explanation needed
- The Giant Shit - the kind thats so enormous youre afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush
- The Notorious Drinker Shit - the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinkingIts most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush
- The Gee-I-really-wish-I-could Shit - the kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting
- The Power Dump Shit - the kind that comes out so fast, youve barely got your pants down and your done
- The Spinal Tap Shit - the kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, youd swear its got to be coming out sideways
- The I-think-Im-giving-birth-through-my-asshole Shit - the shape and size of the turd resembles a tall Bud bottleVacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards
- The Porridge Shit - The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on comingYou have two choice: a) flush and keep flushing
- b) risk it pilling up to your butt while you sit there, helpless
- The Im-going-to-chew-my-food-better Shit - When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning
- The Nazi Shit - It smells so bad it kills all the jews Nazis are bad
- The I-think-Im-turning-into-a-bunny Shit - when you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make a tiny splishy sounds when the hit the water
- The What-the-hell-died-in-here Shit - also known as The Toxic Dump of course you dont warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour Instead you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air
- The I-just-know-theres-a-turd-still-dangling-there Shit - where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop
Silly Words
- Swell
- Quish
- Whorish
- Pidgy
- Incuncoconut
- Taco
- Thug
- Funk
- Stew
- Pie
- Ass
- Flog
- Chap
- Bling-Bling
- Dominatrix
- Frump
- Flump
- Furlanker
- Muff
- Chobe
- Chode
- Chunk
- Frowzy
- Froufrou (a rustling sound)
- Discombobulation
- Furlong
- Schnapps
- Schnitzel
- Canuck
- Poo
- Plump
- Hefty
- Goose
- Moose
- Caboose
- Fckuck
- Fling
Weird ways to die
- Hobos force feed you canned beans until you explode.
- Anal probe gone awry.
- Suffocate under a pile of dead heifers.
- Fungus encases your feet and slowly spreads throughout your whole body.
- Zucchinis slowly grow around your body as you sleep and choke out brain waves making you unable to wake up.
- Trip on acid hard so you see pink elephants As you approach them, they promptly trample you to death.
- Murdered by Neanderthals who don�t understand your explanation of the solar eclipse
- While enjoying a family trip to Disney World, the park unexpectedly burns to the ground, taking you with it.
- Devoured by friggin squirrels.
- Bitten by a rabid midget.
- Chased and eaten by an Army of Zombies.
- Ice Cube goes to Mars � to kick your ass.
- Shot by poachers while frolicking through a sunny meadow with the joyous creatures and flowers.
- Eaten by zombie babies.
- Skin ripped off by Zombie babies.
- Decapitated by zombie babies.
- Beaten to death by a mob of disgruntled Boy Scouts.
- Crushed by a massive pile of elephant crap.
- Choked on a pretzel (George W Bush).
- Pitchforked by angry Canucks.
- Sat on by a fat farting Frenchman.
- Mauled by fighting dingos when you refuse to pay units of Australian currency.
- Hugged to death by your sinister grandmother.
- Attacked by angry schoolgirls with staplers.
- An angry bad ass goes stone cold crazy on your ass.
- Michael Jackson.
- A doctor taking out your tonsils accidentally takes out your liver instead.
- Beaten by mobsters with wifflebats.
- Your bookees are cannibals (need I go any further).
- Raped by angry drag queens.
- Midgets fuck up your face.
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