Book 1 Rules and Laws
Jebediahs Laws of Doom
1. A womans place is in the kitchen.
2. Make me pie, bitch!
3. Never trust a Mexican.
4. Make me stew, bitch!
5. Never nail a Mexican.
6. Dont listen to the white folks.
7. Dont make me get my belt.
8. Im getting my belt.
9. Women have no right to complain.
10. Women who complain are bitches.
11. All women are bitches.
12. Make me cake, bitch!
13. Dont marry a midget!
14. Dont get married.
15. You cant live on cold canned beans forever.
16. Never trust the bitches!
17. Dont tell the bitches anything until they have sex with you.
18. Dont tell the bitches anything until they have sex with you twice.
19. Dont tell the bitches anything.
20. Dont have sex with a bitch unless she promises she wont kill you.
21. If a bitch tries to kill you, you can kill them.
22. Never have sex with only one bitch.
23. Never have sex with a bitch until she makes you pie.
24. Or stew.
25. If a bitch makes you pie, shell probably suck your cock.
26. If a bitch gets you high, shell probably tie you up and nail you.
27. If a bitch makes you cry, shes probably a guy.
28. If a bitch asks you to kill her, dont do it. Shes hoping for a lawsuit.
29. If a bitch asks you not to kill her, kill her. Shes hiding something.
30. If your bitch is with another man, kill her, and make him nail her again.
31. If your bitch is with another bitch, make them let you in.
32. If your bitch finds you with another bitch, kill her, and say she attacked you.. Youll never get a better chance.
33. If your bitch finds you with another man, kill yourself. Youre a goddamn fruit.
34. If your bitch wont make you pie, kill her. Shes not worth it.
35. If a guy makes you pie, kill him. Hes a fruit.
36. If you ever come out of the closet, kill yourself. You shouldnt be in the closet in the first place.
37. Unless you were looking for your shoes.
38. Or playing hide and seek.
39. Never play hide and seek with a bitch unless she lets you nail her her from behind first, and after.
40. Never put a bitch in your will.
41. Never eat pie made by a bitch who doesnt let you squeeze her boobs.
42. Make me pie, bitch!
43. Dont get out of the kitchen until youve made me pie, bitch!
44. If you havent made me pie, then get in the back of the hut and Ill show you the back of my hand.
45. Dont be a bitch.
46. Mean people suck.
47. You only live once, and if you get that, youre lucky.
48. When the shit hits the fan, the fan damn well better not be on high.
49. Life sucks, and then you die.
50. Your wife is a bitch.
51. If you got married, you married a bitch.
52. Even if you didnt marry a bitch, she became a bitch when you married her.
53. If you say sex is nothing without love, you never had sex.
54. If you say love is nothing without sex, your right.
Stus Laws O' Life
1. A womans place is in the bedroom.
2. Tied Up.
3. Naked.
4. With chains and leather.
5. Pie is the shit.
6. If youre dumb enough to do it to yourself, you deserve it.
7. Life is like a hot bath.
8. The longer you stay in, the more wrinkles you get.
9. Wrinkles are hot.
10. Moms are hot.
11. Tina Turner is hot.
12. Pie is a food group.
13. Dont mess with Texas.
14. I was talking to Mexicans.
15. Violence is never the answer.
16. A good wiffle bat beating is.
17. Unless its a female.
18. Then go for the whip.
19. Yummy.
20. Shit Happens.
21. Deal.
22. Bitch.
Murphy's Laws of Combat
1. You are not Superman.
2. If its stupid but works, its not stupid.
3. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
4. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
5. If their attack is going well, its an ambush.
6. All 5 second grenade fuses whilst burn down in 3 seconds.
7. Try to appear unimportant because they might be low on ammo.
8. If you are forward of your position, the artillery shall fall short.
9. The enemy diversion youre ignoring is the main attack.
10. The important things are always simple.
11. The simple things are always hard.
12. The easy way is always mined.
13. When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy.
14. Incoming fire has the right of way.
15. Friendly fire isnt.
16. Anything you do can get you shot - including nothing.
17. Tracers work both ways.
18. Make it tough for an enemy to get in and you cant get out.
19. If you take more than your fair share of objectives then you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.
20. Professional soldiers are predictable but the world is full of amateurs.
21. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when youre ready for them
b. when youre not ready for them.
22. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
23. There is no such thing as an atheist in the foxhole.
24. Murphy was a grunt.
Murphy's Laws of Love
1. If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
2. Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
3. The good ones die first.
4. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
5. Nothing improves with age.
6. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
7. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
8. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. Virginity can be cured.
11. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
12. It is always the wrong time of month.
13. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
14. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
15. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Mostly the ugly.
16. Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
17. Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
18. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
19. Thou shall not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
20. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
21. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
22. The size of the pencil is not as important as the quality of the writing.
23. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
24. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight arent important.
25. Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
26. Sex on the TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.
27. Girls are like toilet rooms. Either it is taken, or full of shit.
28. No woman is better than two
29. Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!
The 9 Commandments
1. Thou shalt be silly.
2. Thou shalt eat pie. Bitch. And stew.
3. Thou shalt not put anything before pie, such as cake or cookies.
4. Thou shalt honor the Silly Day. July 28
5. Thou shalt giveth thy parents many grandchilds.
6. Thou shalt not murder unless its a mexican.
7. Thou shalt not be mexican.
8. Thou shalt not be a fruit.
9. Thou shalt exlaimeth Here Here!
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