In
a not- to-distant future,
Somewhere
in the blackness of space,
Jolteon
and all his pals,
Are
caught in an endless chase,
They
try to survive, the wrath of Team Rocket,
Who
wants to put all the world’s pokémon in pocket
From
their headquarters below
They
set their sights above,
Just
to torture everybody in the poke center of love…
(Jolteon
and co: Get. Us. DOOOOOWN!!!)
"We'll
send them lousy fan-fics,
The
worst we can find. (Lalala)
They'll
have to sit and read them all
Until
they lose their minds." (Lalala)
Now
Jolteon cannot control
When
the fan fic begins or ends. (Lalala)
He'll
try to keep his sanity
with
the help of his Pokémon friends."
POKéMON
ROLL CALL
BUTTERFREE!("Bring
it on!")
GENGAR!
(“Would someone kill that Taco Bell dog?”)
MEOWTH!
(“You talking to me?”)
POLIWHIRL
("Have you hugged your pokémon today?")
WEEEEEZING!
("Flame on!")
"If
you're wondering how they eat or breathe,
And
other science facts, (Lalala)
Just
think yourself "It's anime,"
And
you should really just relax!
It's
Mystery Pokémon Theater, 2000 (TWAAANNNGGG!)"
...Sailor
Brittany By Mitch...
Gengar: Now we know whom
we have to thank for this travesty.
All: (sarcastic) Thanks a
bunch, Mitch!
>DARIA
is owned by MTV Networks.
Meowth: I want my MTV!
Jolteon: That was cliché
and unoriginal, Meowth.
Meowth: Come on, back in
the 80’s that was the coolest thing to say!
Gengar: You need help catboy.
>Daria
Morgendorffer created by Glenn Eichler.
Gengar: (faking a sneeze)
Eichler!
Meowth: Bless you.
>Used
without permission.
Jolteon: Oh, Mitch, you rebel
you.
>SAILOR
MOON is...
Meowth: One hot mama!
Jolteon: Now let’s not start
that so early in the story Meowth.
>...owned
by Naoko Takeuchi/Kodansha and TOEI Animation.
Created
by Naoko T. Used without permission.
Gengar: (Latino voice) Permission?!
We don’t need no stinkin’ permission!
>NOTE:
This story is for the purpose of parody. Also, Daria doesn't have too much
to do with it. Even today, they talk of her in whispers...
Jolteon: But no one knows
who "she" is since everyone whispers so low.
>...Admittedly,
she is now just a rumor...
Meowth: She’s a Fleetwood
Mac album?
>...and
few had even seen her the way she was then. In any case, she did exist,...
Gengar: She was just as real
as Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster and black republicans.
>...even
though there is no evidence...
Jolteon: (Mulder) Even though
I have no evidence, I’m convinced that Beanie Babies are alive Scully.
>...She
was Brittany Taylor: Sailor Brittany...
(All snicker uncontrollably)
>...Brittany
herself didn't know what it was all about on that day when five new students
entered Lawndale High...
Meowth: (stoner voice) Honest,
officer, I’m not as think as you high I am.
>...because
of an exchange program...
(Gengar opens his mouth to
say something but Jolteon glares at him)
Jolteon: The author doesn’t
mean that kind of "exchange", Gengar.
Gengar: Aww…
Meowth: Are you sure Jolts?
You know how guys can be when they write SM fics.
Jolteon: Well…
>...The
five girls still wore their old...
Gengar: Underwear.
Jolteon and Meowth: Gengar!!!
>...school
uniforms for some crazy reason. Brittany tried to ignore them but...
Meowth: Their eyes were so
honkin’ huge she couldn’t help but stare.
>...one
day they came to her, saying that she was the Sailor Scout of Lawndale
(whatever that meant)...
Jolteon: Oh, god! Even the
author doesn’t know what the story is about! We’re doomed!
>...They
gave her a magic pen that...
Gengar: Made the lady’s clothes
disappear when you turned it upside down.
>...activated
when she said...
Meowth: Shazam!
>..."LAWNDALE
POWER!" It gave her long gloves and fancy boots as well as a small tiara
and a bow on the center of her shirt. The girls told her that something
called the Negaverse...
Jolteon: Wasn’t that the
name of a Slayer album?
>...had
set it's sights on Lawndale as well as their own hometown. They said it
was Brittany’s job to protect her school and hometown...
Gengar: Well, I think we
can safely say that town is doomed.
>...and
she had a "Pom-Pom Attack" to perform it....
Meowth: The Pom-Pom Attack.
The most secret move in Mortal Kombat 4.
>...When
the girls left, Brittany mainly used her powers to strike...
Jolteon: Oil.
>...at
the spoil-sports and party-poopers that had always bothered her. All the
other students...
All: (singing) Used to laugh
and call her names! They never let poor Brittany join in any student games…
>...were
unaware of her double identity except for Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane,...
Gengar: Lois Lane’s lesser-known
sister.
>...Jodie
Landon, and Mack...
Jolteon: (singing) Mack the
knife!
>...This
wasn't because she confided in them...
Gengar: The only people she
confided in were the invisible dwarfs that lived in her refrigerator.
>...They
said it was because there wasn't a big difference in appearance between...
Meowth: Burt Reynolds and
Meowth Calatta.
>...cheerleader
Brittany and Sailor Brittany....
Gengar: And Malibu Brittany,
and teacher Brittany, and astronaut Brittany, and--
Meowth: Knock it off, spook
brain!
>...She
never found out how they saw through her clever disguise. In her last battle,
she faced...
Gengar: The facts. Professional
wrestling was fake.
Meowth: (Joe Friday) Just
the facts ma’am.
Jolteon: (singing) You take
the good, you take the bad, and there you have the facts of life! The facts
of life!
>...a
deadly, purple, energy draining monster that had attacked the Lawndale
High gym...
Meowth: All in favor of skipping
the Barney joke say "Aye."
Jolteon and Gengar: Aye!
>...Most
of the students fled, leaving the monster to Sailor Brittany. Before she
could attack, however, a spiked football fell between her and the creature.
She looked up and saw her boyfriend Kevin in a tuxedo, cape, mask, and
hat...
Jolteon: He had decided to
take a correspondence course in children’s birthday party magic.
>..."I
am Tuxedo Kevin...
Gengar: Tuxedo Kevin?!
(All bust out laughing)
>...Don't
worry babe, look in your...uh...heart, or somethin', to, uh..."...
Meowth: (Kevin) Arrgghh!
Brain fart!
>..."I
can handle this myself!" shouted Brittany...
Jolteon: I don’t need a man
to help me! I’m Alley McBeal!
>...She
then yelled "POM-POM ATTACK!" and pom-poms fired from her...
Gengar: Heh heh…
Jolteon: Don’t say it, Gengar!
>...hands
and banished the monster to...
Meowth: Cleveland, Ohio.
>...another
dimension. Later, Brittany told Kevin that she didn't need a philosophical
tuxedo-wearing hero to save her. It didn't matter though. The Scouts returned
and told Brittany that the Negaverse would now stay
away
from...
Jolteon: Fried foods.
>...Lawndale
and her services were no longer needed. Brittany reluctantly returned her
transformation pen and went back to her old life. Still, there are whispers,...
Gengar: (Brittany) The voices!
They whisper to me! They guide me! They command me!
>...mainly
among Quinn and the Fashion Club, and the pseudo-legend of Sailor Brittany
will forever live on at Lawndale High....
Meowth: Much to the school’s
ever-lasting shame.
>THE
END!!!
Jolteon: What’s say we all
go beat Mitch up?
Gengar: I’m game.
Meowth: Me too.
THE END! REALLY!!!