In
a not- to-distant future,
Somewhere
in the blackness of space,
Jolteon
and all his pals,
Are
caught in an endless chase,
They
try to survive, the wrath of Team Rocket,
Who
wants to put all the world’s pokémon in pocket
From
their headquarters below
They
set their sights above,
Just
to torture everybody in the poke center of love…
(Jolteon
and co: Get. Us. DOOOOOWN!!!)
"We'll
send them lousy fan-fics,
The
worst we can find. (Lalala)
They'll
have to sit and read them all
Until
they lose their minds." (Lalala)
Now
Jolteon cannot control
When
the fan fic begins or ends. (Lalala)
He'll
try to keep his sanity
with
the help of his Pokémon friends."
POKéMON
ROLL CALL
BUTTERFREE!("Bring
it on!")
GENGAR!
(“Would someone kill that Taco Bell dog?”)
MEOWTH!
(“You talking to me?”)
POLIWHIRL
("Have you hugged your pokémon today?")
WEEEEEZING!
("Flame on!")
"If
you're wondering how they eat or breathe,
And
other science facts, (Lalala)
Just
think yourself "It's anime,"
And
you should really just relax!
It's
Mystery Pokémon Theater, 2000 (TWAAANNNGGG!)"
>In
the port town of Toto,..
Butterfree: (Dorothy) I can’t
believe my dog got a whole town named after him!
>...rain
pours unrelentlessly. Interestingly enough, it is sunny and warm just a
few feet away in Summers...
Jolteon: Sort of like the
weather in LA.
>...A
boat pulls up to the dock....
Poliwhirl: (Bugs Bunny) What’s
up doc?
>..."Get
ready, men!" the Captain shouted as the boat approached. "The ruler and
protractor boat in coming!"...
Meowth: (Captain) English
I’m poor of!
>...The
boat came to a stop, and the crew was all set to board and unload it's
cargo...
Gengar: Of hot pants.
All but Gengar: Gengar!?!
Gengar: What?
>...or
mathematical measuring devices, but as they entered the ship, they found
it was empty!...
Poliwhirl: (Captain) I was
wondering why the ship was so light.
>...A
voice came from the darkness of the cargo hold:
"Sorry,
mi amigos. No longer will Eagleland know what angles things are, and such.
Ha ha ha!"...
Jolteon: Ha ha ha! Evil villain
laugh! Ha ha ha!
>"Who
are you? Get out of there!" shouted the Captain. The figure slowly came
out of the darkness. "What? No! Get away from me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"...
All: Furbies! Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!!
"WHO
WRANGLES THE ANGLES?"
or
"THE
RULER OF RULERS!"
>...Ness,
Paula, Jeff, and Poo were in Ness's house, watching television, as they
were known to do. There was a news report on the recent shortage of rulers
and protractors....
"Who
cares about those?" asked Ness. "They were so
useless
on our adventure. I'm sure their absence will
have
little to no effect on society."
Five
minutes later…
Jolteon: It was 3:35
>..."Boy
was I wrong," Ness said as he watched the rioting outside. Somebody screamed
something about not knowing how long his index finger is before running
into the hotel...
Weezing: Yeah I hate to think
of never being able to tell how long my finger was.
Gengar: But you don’t have
fingers Weezing.
Weezing: Shut up.
>...Frank
Fly protected the burger shop by fending off the hungry masses with a pickle
and a sock. The police station was on fire, but Chief Strong was too busy
beating Liar X. Agerate to death. "This is terrible! We have to get to
the bottom of this!"...
Poliwhirl: (Sherry Bobbins)
We can’t just sit there like a fly in a toffee!
>..."We
can get to the bottom of this a little later," said Paula. "Seinfeld is
almost on." Thirty minutes later...
Jolteon: It was 4:05
>"Tee
hee, that Kramer" Poo chuckled softly to himself as the gang made their
way through the chaos in the Monotoli Building.
Meowth: (Monotoli) It’sa
me, Monotoli!
>..."Mr.
Monotoli is a big busines guy," said Ness. "He'll know how to fix this
crisis!"...
Butterfree: Or make it worse.
>...The
kids walked into Monotoli's office. It was completely looted. In the corner
of the room, Mr. Monotoli sat in his underpants huddled underneath a huge
stuffed bear....
Poliwhirl: I wouldn’t go
near that paragraph with a 10-foot pole.
>...Paula
aproached slowly. "Mr. Monotli? It's me, Paula. Remember?...
Gengar: The stupid girl who
can’t say your name right…
>...The
young and spunky pink-clad little girl that you kidnapped and grew to love?
Are you alright?" Monotoli opened his mouth to speak. "Paula? You are not
Paula. Paula's dead!" "No I'm not. I'm right here!"...
Jolteon: Monotoli looks up,
sees Paula the zombie, and she eats him. The end.
>...Monotoli
looked up. "Oh! I guess you are alive! Good to see you kids! What's happening?"
"Well," Jeff began. "Society has crumbled because of a measurement tool
shortage...
Meowth: And Bill Clinton
is in office.
>We
were hoping you could help us to save Eagleland because you have such a
high social standing." "Well," said Monotoli, "I do remember that ruler
and protractor stock fell rapidly, but it fell first in Twoson. Perhaps
the tools are in Twoson! Let's hurry!" Mr. Monotoli jumped up, eager to
join the kids on their adventure, but suddenly realized he was only wearing
boxer shorts and a tie...
Butterfree: That reminds
me of the time Poliwhirl…
(Poliwhirl covers up Butterfree’s
mouth.)
Poliwhirl: QUIET ABOUT THAT!!!!
>...After
a quick stop at the Fourside Department Store's clothing department, the
gang, along with corporate bigwig Mr. Monotoli, arrived in Twoson. Jeff
whipped out...
Weezing: Hehehe…
Butterfree: Quiet!!!
>...a
strange looking device, covered in duct tape, wires, and blinking lights.
"This is a ruler detecting machine," he said. "It will lead us to the stockpile
of stolen rulers and protractors."...
Jolteon: (Jeff) Or to a good
yard sale.
>...
Jeff flipped a switch on the machine, and it sputtered to life....
Jolteon: It’s alive! It’s
alive!
>...Jeff
began to walk south, and the blinking lights slowed down. He walked north,
and they sped up. Excited, Jeff ran as fast as he could north,..
Poliwhirl: (Jeff) I’m gonna
see Santa! Hooray!!!
>...as
the machine blinked and blinked faster and faster,
until-
*WHUMP!* ...
Gengar: He ran into a 6-foot
tall muscle man who beat him to a pulp. The end.
>...Jeff
had run into a building. He looked up, and saw that it was Paula's home,
the Polestar Preschool. Paula ran up behind Jeff. "What's going on?" she
demanded, as she walked up to the front porch. Paula banged on the door,
and a small boy with a baseball cap and a Pokemon shirt opened it. "Hola,
Paula," said the boy....
Meowth: Es tu muy loco in
the cabezea, no?
>"Chris!
What are you doing? You don't speak Spanish!" "Ummm...yeah I do."
"Oh yeah? Since when" "Uhhh, I gotta go!" The youngster slammed the
dor and ran inside...
Butterfree: Well that’s just
fine shutting the dor, but what about the door?
>"I'll
handle this!" shouted Ness dramatically. He bounded up to the porch, and
ran full force towards the door, intending to break it down. *WHUMP!* Ness
was on the ground, rubbing a large bump on his head. Poo calmly walked
up to the door, turned the knob, and opened it. "It wasn't locked, Ness."
The heroic teens and their adult companion burst into the living room of
the preschool, and they saw a towering pile of rulers and
protractors,
bursting with centimeters and angles and mathematics....
Weezing: Albert Einstein’s
worse nightmare.
>...Near
the pile was the captain from Toto port, bound and gagged to a chair. On
the other side of the tower was an assembly line of small children, boxing
up the math tools and placing price tags on them that read
"Protractors
and Rulers-$1,000,000,000."...
Jolteon: (Ness) We’ve stumbled
upon Bill Gates’ ruler counterfeiting operation!
>...Ness
ran over to the Captain and untied him. "Who did this to you?"
asked
Ness dramatically. "What foul, sinister being could commit such a heinous
crime?" And then, a voice came from the top of the protractor
tower.
"Hi, I'm Pincho." Then, another voice chimed in. "Hi, I'm Poncho." And
then, a third. "Hi, I'm Thomas Jefferson."...
Meowth: Two guys, an ex president
and a preschool next on ABC.
>...Jeff
was struck with a realization!...
Poliwhirl: (Jeff) Ouch!
>...These
were the three men who acted as a slot machine in the Dusty Dunes Desert!
They took over $200 from Ness on their adventure!...
Jolteon: That’s the story
of Meowth and the Celadon City casino.
Meowth: Ugh…
>..."The
slot machine guys?" said Ness, dumbfounded. "Captain, these are the guys
you were so afraid of?" "I'm recovering from a gambling addiction," the
captain admitted.
"Well,
I bet you $100 that we can defeat these guys!" "DEAL!"
Ness's
wager was interrupted by the booming voice of Pincho. "We stole Eagleland's
measuring equipment so that we could sell it all to Japan at outrageous
prices! And there is nothing you kids can do to stop us! Right now our
Ruler/Protractor-Send-To-Japan-A-Ma-Bob...
Meowth: Fourth wall fall
down, go boom.
>...is
ready to ship our supplies to Japan!" Pincho pointed to a huge metal contraption
in the corner, being filled the to brim with boxes of rulers and
protractors.
"You'll never get away with this, you dastardly desert dwellers!" ...
Butterfree: Try to say that
three times fast.
Jolteon: That that that.
Gengar: He’s good.
>...shouted
Jeff. The others stood there staring at him for a few moments. "That was
for effect," he added. The three gambling brothers each drew swords from
their belts, then put spikes on the ends of their swords, and each one
added a large laser weapon to the hilt of their knives...
Poliwhirl: And then added
maces, then added missiles, then added…
>..."Prepare
to do battle!" shouted Poncho. "I hope that you all die honorably." The
comrades were poised to attack, but suddenly their
huge
Ruler/Protractor-Send-To-Japan-A-Ma-Bob ran out of power and ceased to
operate. "What happened?" asked Thomas Jefferson, dumbfounded...
Meowth: As opposed to smartfounded…
>...Then,
everyone turned around, and saw Poo in the corner, twirling the cord that
connected the machine to it's power source in his hands...
Weezing: (Poo singing) I
got the power…
>..Later,
at the Onett Police Station...
Pincho,
Poncho, and Thomas Jefferson are being locked away. "I would've gotten
away with it," said Poncho scornfully, "if it hadn't been for those lousy
kids...and their businessman..."
Gengar: And a pokémon
named, Gengar Gengar doo!!!!
(Everyone stares at Gengar)
Gengar: What?
>..."You
kids did a fine job." Said Chief Strong. "Sorry, Ness, about brutally beating
you that one time." "That's alright, chief!" Ness said. "The important
thing
is that Pincho, Poncho, and Thomas Jefferson couldn't...MEASURE UP! HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
All: AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!
Jolteon: That’s it, we’re
outta here!
(Our heroes walk out of
the theater.)...
THE END!!!!