| Tears of Pain I don't know how it happened. One minute I'm asking him out to dinner, the next we are struggling over the money and then it happened. The kiss. It's not as if Nik and I haven't kissed before, because we have. But this time, it was different. Everything stopped before his lips found mine. Once his lips did find mine, I thought I had drifted to heaven. Now I'm sitting on bed, pretending to listen to music that I really could care less about, wanting desperately to punch Nikolas in the stomach, to make him feel the pain I'm feeling. I feel tears coming to my eyes once more and I urge myself to fight them from falling. I don't want to cry over him. I pride myself on my ability to not cry over men, to keep myself from feeling when I'm hurt by them. But Nikolas . . . everything is different with Nikolas. He has this power over me that I cannot ignore. This power to completely trap me in his charms. Everything happened so fast today that I cannot even pick the moment when things started falling downhill. I think I can say that it all started with Little Miss Muffet, with her holier than thou attitude at the cottage. At the cottage that Nikolas and I live at, where Liz shouldn't be. My heart aches when I think of Nikolas getting angry at me for the comments I made to Liz. Does he not understand that she isn't glass? Does he not understand that I need his support more than she does? I don't have anybody. Elizabeth has everybody. But when it comes to Liz, Nikolas does not see anything but the halo around her head. Deluded Gia actually thought that Nikolas wanted her. I cannot believe that I thought he wanted only me when we were kissing. I did not have to worry about my insecurities or my feelings of inadequacies. But then he has to stop. I don't know why he couldn't tell me the truth - that he didn't want to continue. That he didn't want me. Why did he have to make it look like I was making the decision? Of course, I did the only thing that I could after that, denying what I was feeling in order to prevent pain. That certainly worked well. I finger the dress that I was suppose to wear to The Grill tonight. I looked good. I wanted to look good for Nikolas, to make him suffer for not wanting me. But of course, Nikolas overreacted when he heard that Lucky took pictures of me. God forbid Liz be upset for once in her life. But Nikolas has to protect his dream princess and has to place all the blame on me. You lied. His words ring over and over in my head. I didn't lie. Doesn't he get that? I mean, I didn't exactly offer the truth, but if I had, he probably would have prevented me from going. I want to be able to confide in him, to tell him that I was nervous at the photo shoot, that I had to think of Stefan and Helena on a raft in order to relax. I want to be able to tell him about the Face of Deception without him getting upset, thinking I'm trying to destroy Liz. I need his support. He didn't even flinch when I told him I could handle it by myself. I'll tough it out, alone if I have to. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care that I'm hurting too. I need to remember that. I need to remember that he does not have any feelings for me, I'm only a "housemate" to him. I want desperately to pack my clothes and leave. To move in with my mother or Marcus in order to avoid having to see him and remembering the pain I'm feeling now. But I know that I won't. I can't leave. Despite the pain I feel every day, the ache that my heart is suffering, I know that I can't leave him. I need him, because he does make me feel good when we're alone, he does make me feel beautiful and I know that he needs me, more than he is willing to admit to me. Part of my mind is telling me I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. But I have to remind myself that I'm not. I've said things to Nikolas that have upset him, even if they are true, and he says things to me. It's the way our relationship works. We keep putting each other through pain. So instead of walking out, I clutch my pillow to my face, allowing my tears to take control, allowing my pain to win. My sobs are deafened by the blare of my music. I know that he'll never hear the sobs that rake through my body and he'll never know how much he hurt me today. The only way is if he walks into my room and he doesn't do that. He won't do that. Knowing that, I allow myself to release my pain. These are my tears of pain that nobody will ever know I've shed. I'll cry myself to sleep if I need too. I'll do whatever it takes to dull the ache in my heart and to forget the feel of his lips on mine. To try and forget the feelings I have for him. A girl can dream can't she? Charisma |