Would I

3/23/01

A thought keeps going through my mind. It's constantly in my mind during this Lenten time. If I lived during the time of Christ...would I run and hide when he was walking through the streets on His way to Calvary...would I watch in silence...would I join in with the crowd and cheer His misery...would I have the courage to give Him comfort and help Him carry His cross. Would I run to Him and kiss his feet and lift the cross onto my shoulders? Would I rip the crown of thorns from His head or would I gently, patiently pick the thorns from His head? Would I pick the pebbles from the ground making the road less bumpy? The cross He carried was for us, but would I help Him. These heavy thoughts plague me constantly.

Am I helping Him bare His cross in my daily life. I pray for humility and to be rid of this tremendous ego. I pray to be worthy of being His servant. I have free will. It's up to me to make my own decisions. Do I listen to the devil? Every morning when I awake I think to myself I'm going to mass today...then I decide I am too tired to go...I need more rest...then I lay my clothes out on the bed...then I decide to stay home, I'll go tomorrow...then I think, "is the devil talking to me?" Then I find myself getting dressed and going to mass. This scenario happens to me almost everyday.

Last night was the ICF fish fry dinner. I baked dessert for the fish fry. All the workers thanked me for baking. I kept saying that I can't do the things that require leg work, but I can bake. The workers arrived early in the day...scrubbed potatoes...set the tables...did all that was necessary for serving over 100 people. Then they cooked the food and served the food with smiles and a cheerful attitude. What had I done to help? I only baked a few cakes. Not much help was I? I even walked out before clean up time.

Did I walk out because of stupidity? Did I walk out because I was tired...genuinely tired? Did I walk out because of indifference to what needed to be done?

Would I walk out on Christ when He needed me? I walked out last night without a thought to stay and help. Am I so insensitive that I walk out all the time...not giving a thought to what is needed next?

During mass we pray, "Lord I am not worthy to receive You, only say the word and my soul will be healed." In order for my soul to be healed I have to be "open" for the healing. I have free will...am I "open" or do I decide to be closed and "open" myself when it is convenient?

I have a great hunger within me to receive Jesus Christ, but "Lord I am not worthy to receive you..." We are all a pin point in the universe of time. Does what I do or say make a difference to God? I want so desperately to run and lift the cross and help Him carry it. But I am afraid I would walk out... Would I run and hide?