The First Time
When Leo asked me about my first time I was a little taken aback. Then again, you get used to questions like that when you work in a job like this.
All the same, it made me think.
I was just fifteen. He was a little older. It was supposed to be wonderful. We�d started out kissing but things moved on from there.
I remember that there was a lot of fumbling. I didn�t know where to put my hands. One minute they were by my head, next by my sides. I ran my fingers down his back but I couldn�t settle them in one place.
He seemed to have a better idea of what to do. I tried to relax as he unfastened my belt. I was feeling a combination of feelings; fear, excitement. Some feelings I�ve never felt again, others I don�t particularly want to.
There was a certain awkwardness to the proceedings, though much of it�s a blur now. I remember pain, pleasure and the fact that it was all over very quickly.
I�d always expected more from my first time, but most teenage boys aren�t particularly sensitive. He didn�t exactly hang around.
We went out together a few times more but things sort of fizzled out. We were never going to have a long term relationship. We were just young and hormonal.
When I compare my very first time to my first time with Harry, the two couldn�t be more different.
Both he and I were cautious. We�d both been stung before and neither of us wanted to rush into anything that might ruin our friendship and our growing relationship.
We�d had a tough day at work, tensions had been running high. We�d snapped at each other a couple of times and he suggested that we stay in and relax that night.
We went to his place. I don�t think either of us were planning to sleep together that night, but it all happened so naturally. I sat beside him on the sofa, sipping wine, I just felt so comfortable. He told me he loved me. He said it so matter-of-factly that it caught me totally off guard. We kissed and somehow it was suggested that I stay the night.
In his bedroom we explored each other in a way we�d never done before. He ran his fingers under my top, leaving my skin tingling. I mirrored his actions, unbuttoning his shirt.
There was no awkwardness between us. Our bodies fir together so perfectly, we didn�t need to go any further at first. We stayed together, enjoying the closeness, waiting for the moment when we were ready to move on. Taking it slowly in the beginning, but building up gradually.
My first time when I was fifteen was just about sex. This was making love in the truest sense of the word.
I felt so safe in his arms. We stayed that way for a long time, just holding one another. At that moment I knew what I wanted from the rest of my life.
Now I can�t help but marvel at how things have changed between then and now. My first time was as an awkward teenager, unsure of her new body and looking for reassurance. My first with Harry was so different, it was the most perfect thing in the world.
Maybe then I wasn�t truly ready, maybe I did it with the wrong person, or for the wrong reasons. But now, with Harry beside me, I know it�s all right.
This is the way it�s meant to be.