Time Will Tell
It�s late, and the long day passed is fading from dusk into the inky nighttime. The world is falling asleep around her, and she knows she should be doing the same thing. But the pen in her hand argues otherwise.
The blank paper simply has his name written at the top. She�s been chewing her pen for the last 15 minutes trying to figure out what to say. She pushes her hair back out of her eyes, and her eyes catch on the treetops blowing in the soft breeze, and suddenly she has an epiphany. She knows what to write.
Harry,
When did this become safe? When did it become so natural to lean into you as I did?
Why was your hand in mine the only thing I needed to make me feel safe? The only thing that could make me feel safe.
Somehow, after today, you knew there weren�t words. You knew there was nothing to say, and chose not to fill the silence with inanity, as I would have been tempted to do had the roles been reversed.
The car travelled silently back into the city, bringing us home, back to where we supposedly belonged. Back to civilisation. Back to normality.
Nothing about today was normal.
I don�t think that I will ever get used to this job. To the unkindness man wreaks upon man. To how cruel and unusual human behaviour can be.
I�m a scientist. Logic is my whole world. Nothing about today was logical.
Except you. You were the one thing that was centred, the one thing that made sense. The one thing I had left to hold onto when I felt so drained that I didn�t think I could make it home.
You are the first person in a long time I have felt this way about. The first person in a long time I�ve chosen to get this close to, with whom it�s been so natural.
I won�t state that I�m in love. I�m not that dramatic. But I know that there�s something there, something I can�t deny. Something I won�t deny.
I�ve been thinking a lot since. I�ve had a lot to think about.
About you leaving for one thing. So, I�m writing this down to be completely sure I get my thoughts across clearly and to make sure I get it all out.
You should do what you need to do. Go where you have to go.
If you can look me in the eye and tell me that America is where your life needs to be right now, then I�ll believe you.
I will let you go.
I won�t cry, or try to blackmail you into staying. I can retire gracefully in defeat. There will be no long drawn out tortuous goodbyes. I�ve never been good at goodbyes, I tend to make them as easy as possible.
It is a fantastic opportunity. I know what I said, but I was angry and I wasn�t thinking about you. Of course, I was thinking about myself.
About what I would do with you so far away.
Sometimes, the decisions we make can�t be ruled by our hearts but by our heads. If it is best for your career, if you need a clean break, then by all means, go.
I won�t pretend to you now I won�t miss you. To say that would make a liar out of me, and the last thing I want to be to you is a liar.
But what�s a couple of thousand miles between friends anyway?
Whatever happens, I consider you to be my friend. Time will tell if anything else is meant to be.
Love,
Nikki
The pen practically falls from her hand. The effort of being honest is exhausting, she finds. Her eyes glance over the letter briefly, but she decides it�s best not to overanalyse it too much.
Careful fingers fold the paper precisely, and slide it into the waiting envelope. She leaves it propped against the coffee mug on the desk, and crosses to her bed.
Her mother always said to sleep on a letter you weren�t sure about. To let the feelings settle, and then decide whether the risk is still worth it. So she does.
Whether he will ever receive the honest missive, time will tell.