1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from eight to 6 feet Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
11. Say," Interesting.... More sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down you "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
8. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
9. Meow occasionally.
10. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
13. Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
14. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
15. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
16. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
17. Say, "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
21. Put a box on the floor and whenever somebody comes in, say, "Do you hear clicking?"
WAYS TO BE ANNOYING
1. As an expert on the art of annoying and irritating others, I have endeavored to compile a list of methods I have developed, used, or read about, with which to annoy people. Some are very simple, some take preparation, some are very old, and some are new. At least 1/4 of them are guaranteed to annoy your victim. Have fun!
2. Put your face really close to theirs while they're facing a different direction, tap them on the shoulder, and watch them jump when they turn to face you.
3. Copy their actions and everything they say.
4. Step on the backs of their heels while they're walking.
5. In a communal shower or shower house, turn the hot water all the way up and the cold water all the way down (or vice versa) while they're rinsing the shampoo out of their hair and can't see anything. Or, when you're finished showering, go outside and turn the main valve off.
6. Pretend you don't understand what they're saying, no matter how much they yell and how slowly they say it.
7. When somebody asks, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" reply, "No, all of them."
8. When somebody asks, "Do you have the time?" reply just, "Yeah."
9. Ask an artist, "It's not finished yet, is it?"
10. Sign someone up on a junk mail list.
11. Go into a frozen yogurt joint where they have lots of toppings. Order a cup, and say to the guy, in the most annoying tone imaginable, "Do you have M&M's? Yeah? Good. How 'bout raisins? Yeah, and sprinkles. Do you have cookie crumbs?" After he has proceeded to put them on the yogurt, exclaim, "I hate cookie crumbs. They make me sick. I can't even smell them, that's how much I hate them. Ah, yuck!" Watch the salesperson fume as he is forced to throw away the entire cup.
12. Walk into a store that has a sign that says; "Have a penny? Give a penny! Need a penny? Take a penny!" with a HUGE jar of pennies. Take a penny out of the cup, put it into your jar, and walk out.
13. Pull up alongside somebody while driving on the freeway, and gesture violently, indicating that they should pull over immediately. When they pull over, just continue driving.
14. Take a pencil, stick a piece of chewed gum onto it, and stick it to the ground. Then wait for some cheap-o to come along and try to pick it up.
15. While standing next to someone, unobtrusively reach your arm around their back, and tap them on the opposite shoulder.
16. Tell someone, "Man, your hands smell bad!" When they try to smell their hand, smack it so it hits their face. This one can also be performed with a piece of pie. When they lean down to smell the pie, grab the back of their head and push it into the pie.
17. After somebody finishes telling a joke, say in a very grave tone, "My brother (sister/mother/father) died that way."
18. Pinch a guy's nipple. You may also pinch a girl's nipple if you please, but I suggest you don't
19. Leave the following message on someone's answering machine: "Sir, we're not sure if you wanted us to do it, you know, after what happened, so, well, we went ahead and did it anyway. If you don't like it, we can probably take it out, but we'll have to charge you extra. Please return this call immediately. Thanks."
20. Tell somebody that's wearing Velcro shoes or slip-ons that their shoelaces are untied.
21. Tell lots of puns.
22. Give somebody a Wet Willie.
23. Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket.
24. On the bus, try to engage somebody in a conversation about genital warts.
25. When walking behind someone outside, pull up a long piece of grass, and gently tickle them behind the ear with it. The first time, they'll try to brush it away. The second time they'll swat at it, and smack themselves. Generally, the third time they turn around and look behind themselves.
26. Take a wire, and stick it all the way through a cigar or cigarette. Let the ash get really long, and pretend you don't notice everybody staring at it, waiting for it to fall.
27. Hide the remote control.
28. Call a house at random, and ask for Gary. When they tell you that there's no Gary there, call again a little while later. Do this at intervals about four times. Finally, when they're fuming and about to scream bloody murder, call a fifth time, and say, "Hi, this is Gary. Are there any messages for me?"
29. Take a deck of cards, and say, "Okay, I'm gonna do a magic trick." Ask the person to pick any card, and put it anywhere in the deck. After they have shuffled the deck thoroughly, take the deck back. Ask, "What was your card?" When they tell you, say, "Not only has your card magically come to the top of the deck, but it has also magically turned into..." Pick up the top card, look at it, and name it.
30. Exclaim in a crowded theater, "No, I won't touch you there for a dollar! No, not two dollars, either!"
31. Approach somebody quietly from behind; grab them, and scream, "Boogie boogie!" or any other such exclamation loudly. This works extremely well on high-strung people.
32. Cut out an article or section of the newspaper before someone else has had a chance to read it. 51. When someone asks, "Are there any questions?" ask, "Where do babies come from?"
33. Step on someone's feet, and push them backwards.
34. Take their hat.
35. Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and read this out loud.
36. When riding shotgun in a convertible, surreptitiously reach over and put up just the rear windows. In a convertible, this looks REALLY stupid.
37. Sing, "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..." over and over again
38. When you're out of the house all night for a weekend, leave your clock radio on for it's normal wake-up time of about 6:30 or 7:30, and turn the volume up.
39. Walk up to someone you know, and say something to the effect of, "Hey, did you hear what happened to Jim? Well he was with...oh, man, I really shouldn't tell you this. No, I promised I wouldn't tell. No, I can't tell you, sorry."
40. When they are out of their room, move everything they own to a different location.
41. Slurp your soup or your breakfast cereal.
42. Tap the person on the shoulder continuously, and when you have their attention, just continue tapping them on the shoulder.
43. At a movie theater, unwrap a candy bar as loudly as is humanly possible, preferably during dialogue.
44. Take off the letters one of those sign boards that have the removable letters. Spell rude things with them.
45. Answer the phone "Boston Pizza, how can I help you?" at someone else's house. Or at your own house, if you really want.
46. At night, rearrange somebody's furniture. At the very least, they'll be surprised when they get up in the morning. But, better yet, call them in the middle of the night, so they have to get up, and stumble over a chair that wasn't there before.
47. Take all the labels off of their videotapes.
48. An old but still great and incredibly useful annoyance technique is the age old, tried and true 'Kick Me' sign on the back. A classic.
49. Another classic is to get about three other people in on a joke that has no meaning at all, and tell it with those three people and the victim in the room. All the people 'in' on the joke laugh, and the victim doesn't get it. When he asks, say, "Oh, never mind. If you don't get it, it's not worth explaining. My favorite is, "A hippo and a penguin are taking a bath together. The hippo says, 'Pass the soap,' and the penguin says, 'No soap. Radio!'"
50. Yet another age-old family of annoying jokes is as follows: "Would you happen to have a henway on you?" "A henway? What's a henway?" "About three pounds."
51. Talk to the characters in a television show, like yelling out loud, "Don't go in there! The bad guys are in there!"
52. Be a street mime.
53. Write poetry for a school newspaper or publication.
54. For women: ask your friends, "Do I look fat to you?"
55. Put a lubricated condom on somebody's doorknob.
56. Take a chalkboard eraser and insert a piece of chalk into, so that when somebody goes to erase the board, they leave a chalk mark.
57. At a restaurant, have the victim place both his hands on the table palms down. Balance a glass of water on the back of each hand. The person is now trapped, unable to remove either glass without help. (Actually, there is a solution: place your chin against one glass, and using that to hold it steady, remove the other glass.)
58. Take a paper or Styrofoam cup, and punch a small hole in it near the base. Grasp the cup, with your thumb over the hole, and fill it with water. Now, casually walk up to someone, and ask them to hold the cup.
59. Shake up somebody's can of soda before they drink it.
60. Loosen the tops on the salt and peppershakers at a restaurant.
61. Take a cheap ball point pen, and bend it sharply to break open the ink well, or open the pen up and cut the ink well open. Lend this pen to somebody.
62. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
63. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
64. Honk and wave to strangers.
65. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
66. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
67. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in peoples brains
ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
