| Cried myself to sleep again last night. or i would have if i hadn't kept writing. i burned some incense that dave juniper gave to me a long time ago. it's good incense. thank you dave juniper. here is and *edited* version of my journal (the 100% real one that i write in before bed and stuff...) entry from 8-11-01. the edited parts will be *asteriked*: 8-11-01 quite possibly my last friday at home for a while. I'm still really out of it. Cleaned my car and scnanned pictures is what I did today. Brian called me from Michigan to do something tomorrow. Weird. 4:00pm he's coming. *missing 5 words* *missing 3 words* on the brain hardcore. I don't know if that's good or bad, *missing 5 words* or if i'm wasting my time but i don't really care that much. I *missing 2 sentences* I started to pack up today. I don't know what i'm doing with myself. Part of me wonders if all this is right but a bigger part questions whether it matters at all adn as long as i'm happy... what is "happy" anyway? How do i know it's not what I've been feeling all along? *next page, sloppier writing, not on the lines* Happiness us sort of a stupid idea anyway. How can you ever really feel that? I don't know- I really don't. It seems so subjective. *missing 2 sentences* I hurt Good Night. *the end* John said that i was brave to write on this. i have another journal entry from that journal that i want to post, but i haven't got the balls to do it yet. maybe some other night when it's later or maybe next time i talk to brandy. I wrote this yesterday but never finished the entry and never posted what i had: |
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| that caption reads: this is an artist's rendition of Will Smith in "Independence Day" Will Smith's word bubble says: Will Smiff in da house |
| This picture makes me happy. It is the product of too many dinner mints and a next-day deadline with no photo for the back cover story (story written by john presloid). Unfortunately my amazing likeness of Will Smith never made it to the press. I don't know why. . |
| Okay so, It�s been a while since I felt like I used to And it�s been a while Since I was lying next to you And it�s been a while Since I even wanted to. but now i do. I went out with brian again today. It was nice and relaxing. I only wish that I had felt better and that my face |
| and that's the end of that exciting entry. i've been listening to a lot of gomez the past day or three... i told link that i'm a crazy lovesick fool and he said 'silly helen'... hmm.... is it okay to be a crazy lovesick fool? what if ... that brings you some weird sort of unsatisfied contentedness... is that possible? I don't know but you know what? i've reached a new conclusion. i've been on the verge of some sort of life-changing THING all summer it seems. just ask nate. i've tried to tell him so many times... but it never made much sense. but i know what it is now. i realized that i've been way way WAY too uptight and concerned and spasmatic for... always.... i realized that i had the attitude of always pushing and never settling when it comes to myself and what i want... which was fine when it came to things like getting good grades at school or a raise at my job or whatever, but that sick perfectionist never-resting attitude crept into my ideas regarding people and relationships and everthing else. and that's just stupid. especially when so much is so good. i've decided that i'm going to focus on one thing now: enjoying it. and that goes for everythign. people, myself, what i'm doing, what i like, life, whatever. just go witht he flow and enjoy it. I've always been so damned fiesty and push push pushing for perfect... and enjoying it is not hard to do either. i just need to remind myself that it's all good. Just smile and enjoy life. no worries. it's all good. word up. And when i find myself in a good situation and i start saying "wait a minutes... this could be better, why don't you perfect it" i'm gonna look myself in the face adn say. "shut the hell up and enjoy yourself. everything is fine, stupid." so... come dance with me in my castle by the sea and we'll sing some songs and smoke some weed and i'll love you and you'll love me and oh how happy we will be. or i'll just sit outside and enjoy how green the leaves are. that's cool too. what's the point of being upset, man. Jeffy know's where it's at...doesn't let shit bother him... word up man. get some scallops man. poke man. listen to that music man. watch some movies man. dont get killed man. the world is yours man. just don't get pushed off the bed man. man. just remember. smack is wack. |
| August Thirteenth 2001 |