| I feel this strange but not strange combination or rage and sadness and hurt and numbness and drugs and confusion and pain. Physical and otherwise. I feel like I am spinning spinning spinning and I write in threes a lot of the time. It seems more complete that way. Two just leaves everything open, doesn�t it? My legs have a mind of their own right know. Knees numbly uping and downing and carrying the heavy weight of my upperbody effortlessly. I feel so light but I am so heavy inside, just above those knees. Maybe that�s it. Maybe because I feel so heavy inside, my knees can carry my normal body weight with more ease because it seems lighter. But I don�t know- I�ve never talked to my knees before. They bend and flex and unbend so easily up and down the stairs and all I did other than that was stumble around and lay and cry and hold on for dear life. Or dear sanity. And it was sort of fortunate that my modem broke again because then I had an excuse to call on a friend. And a friend in need is a friend indeed. I want to sit on my roof but I am afraid that I�ll fall off. Roll off. Straight off down the edge. Did you ever feel like someone dissolved you into uttermeaningless nothing? Like they decided that suddenly you do not matter anymore but they carried so much weight in your life that their word made it true? Oh how I wish I wish you were here. And after all the things that I�ve done and all they things that I�ve said and all the things that I�ve flipped out about and look at me now. Do you want to know the first thing I said when I woke up from my drugged sleep today? They said �how are you feeling� and I said, �very well thank you. Where�s Kyle?� I guess at the time I thought he would be there waiting for me or something. Or maybe I just wished that he was. I can�t remember anything from when I was asleep but just before. The nitrous minty sweet smelling gas and my body never felt so strangely good before, except for a few other times. But I don�t think I�ll be revisiting those times for quite a while. I guess that�s good and bad. I tried to stay away for so long. And they said take deep breaths but I knew that they were just trying to trick me into sleep so I didn�t do it. Then they told me again and again. This is goin to pinch a little. And the doctor said �can you feel it starting to work?� and I tried not to laugh at him. see, I was laying there in that chair thinking that it�s actually a good thing that I know what it feels like to be high. Not only did it allow me to fully appreciate all of the narcotics that they were charging me so much money for, but it also helped because I knew when the meds were starting to take effect and� in the words of a certain yearbook addy �dude, it�s way sweet� *picture of a guy smoking a pipe* yeah� gotta love my dad. The dandy warhols kick ass. I want to go to the art museum and to beachwood mall tomorrow. I don�t think that my mom wants me to but the thing is that I�d rather be out and about and sore later than stay home do nothing for a whole day and then feel even shittier. I prefer sore to shitty any day. Times 3 thousand. Or could I just say triple kilo-prefer. Hehe. I put my hair up so I could wash my face. And now that doesn�t interest me in the slightest anymore. Last week I consulted a friend of mine as to the matter of sharing (how shall I phrase this?) sharing� parts of my life that are so affected by other people. I mean, writing about them and how it�s affected me or what I think or whatever� like, do I have a right to expose things about them to whomever happens across my journal. Not that I�m planning on saying things like �so and so�s greatest fear is this� or �blank gets sweaty here when he blanks� or �so and so Is really insecure about this and he has good reason because whatever� no no I�m not going to do that, but I do want to write about things that have happened in my summer introspective retrospection reflection ection ection ection potion love potion number nine. And sometimes I like drifting off into the reckless abandon I suddenly feel like dancing. Like that close sort of bodily dancing, not that classic ginger rogers shit or waltzing or that stand and shuffle bullshit of highschool slow dances. No put on �boys are better� by the dandy warhols and think about your favourite body and how you�d want to dance with it. But keep in mind that you�re into the music as much as the body and it�s (music) pushing you around and it�s feeling so good and you can smell their body right there on you and next to you and almost inside of you and you catch flashes of those red lights and golden lights from the stage and they are flashing in your peripheral vision and you catch a glimpse of that other person�s hand and then whiff of smell- and the hair on the top of their head brushes against your face real lightly as they move to part of the song and so faintly the shampoo they used is the same as yours. and you feel your shirt stickin to you back a little and then your hands get a mind of their own and they feel left out cuz your head and your eyes and your smells and everything else has so much candy. So you feel woah their shirt is so soft and you need to touch the face the face the face and you remember all the times that you were cheek to cheek. And you look into that person and you see their eyes and they feel it all happening too and you both smile and drink up all these sensations from all your senses and all the other bodies around you jostling and singing along out of tune and dancing and sloshing beer on you or on the floor and they are just a background sea and you�re really just existing there for the immediate thing right in front of you: that person that smells and feels so good and the music that fills the air above that sea of bodies and you can see it in the smoke in the air and those red and golden lights and then they throw in green or blue and your eyes open wider and you remember the body next to you and you touch it again and you are enjoying yourself and look forward to the rest of the evening and it�s so warm in there and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and Nate saw me cry for the first time today. And he�s been there so many times when I�ve cried too. It�s funny. That whole thing and all the after math is really fucking funny In a most sickening way. And yet I�m partly greatful and partly upset and mostly wondering. And I�m afraid and everything and so much more. And I wanted to write about this but maybe I need to speak it first. Maybe I need to speak it first so I can sort of get a chronology in my head and understand things even though I already do. I need to understand them In words. I have money and I want to spend it even though I shouldn�t but I don�t care. How long do I keep this gauze on my arm? I regret not keeping a betteer journal during the school year. I can�t always trust my memory, however I�m starting so see that there really was more good than there was bad. And I�m so lost and so afraid of scaring it away again. .i�ve done that before. Where the hell is my copy of a midsummer night�s dream? I must go and find it immediately. |
| Here we go: Demitrus: Do I entice you? Do I speak you fair? Or, rather, do I not in plainest truth tell you, I do not, nor cannot love you? Helena: And even for that do I love you the more. I am your spaniel; and, Demetrius, the more you beat me, I will fawn on you: Use me but as your spaniel, spurn me, strike me, Neglect me, lose me; only give me leave, Unworthy as I am, to follow you. What worser place can I beg in your love,- And yet a place of high respect with me,- That to be used as you use your dog? Demitrius: Tenpt not too much the hatred of my spririt, For I am sick when I do look on thee. Helena: And I am sick when I look not on thee. Demitrius: You do impeach your modesty too much, To leave the city and commit yourself Into the hands of one that loves you not; To trust the opportunity of night And the ill counsel of a desert place With the rich worth of your virginity. Helena: Your virtue is my privilege; for that It is not night when I do see your face, Therefore I think I am not in the night; Nor doth this wood lack worlds of company, For you in my respect are all the world: Then how can it be said that I am alone, When all the world is here to look on me? Demitrius: I�ll run from thee and hide me in the brakes, And leave thee to the mercy of wild beasts. Helena: the wildest beast hath not such a heart as you. Run when youwill, the story shall be changed� Apollo flies, and Daphne holds the chase; The dove pursues the griffin; the mild hind Makes speed to catch the tiger; bootless speed, When cowardice pursues and valour files. Demitrius: I will not stay thy questions; let me go: Or, if thou follow me, do not believe But I shall do thee mischief in the wood. Helena: Ay, in the temple, the town, the field, You do me mischief. Fie, Demitrius! Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex: We cannot fight for love, as men may do; We should be woo�d and were not made to woo. [exit Demitrius} I�ll follow thee and make a heaven of hell, To die up on the hand I love so well. [exit Helena] Oberon: Fre thee wee, nymph: ere he do leave this grove, Thou shalt fly him and he shall seek thy love. |
| Written on the 9th day of august. |
| "I love you more/than i did the week before/ i discovered morphine. |