2. If one were to burp and fart at the same time could it cuase his body to implode?
3. The best way to make sure that something is dead is to poke it with a stick.
4. If you have a crank, obese, feminist girlfriend that thinks you're controlling, consider masterbation.
5. Do not take a fat man out to dinner.
6. Gays must be destroyed.
7. Read between the lines.
8. A drunk lesbian is a freind indeed.
9. The best way to attrack white trash is to put a dollar on a string and run through a trailer park.
10. Do not fart during sex.
11. It is safer to be a feared dictator than a loved one.
12. Doe the laudry machine eat my socks?
13. Remember, ghosts can't hurt you, they are just annoying.
14. Don't forget to bring a towel.
15. If you eat more than 4 meals a day, don't complain about being fat.
16. If you are gay, stay in the closet, or commit sucide.
17. Do not attempt to put up a "no hunting" sign in Alabama.
18. Strippers are people to, so don't kill them.
19. Remember, anywhere is better than hell.
20. Beat up every goth you see.
21. If you are tiger, why attack sheep? Go and attack elephant.
22. Strenth is useless when you can't control it.
23. Take into consideration:
man<ninja<demon<pirate, but ninja demon>ninja, and demon pirate>pirate
also ninja>mexican, which means mexican<almost everything else
24. Do not throw rocks at your nieghbors house if your own windows are made of glass.
25. No matter what the sign says, poeple that work at Subway are not "sandwich artists".
26. Matrix Revolutions + GBA + Castlevainia = good movie
27. Constapation is only temporary so don't blow it.
28. Vegetarian diets, Sprite, steroids, and cold water shrink the penis, beware.
29. Best thing I ever read in a truckstop bathroom:
"If you're sad and in the dumps
just remember . . .
I'll bump any lump of rumps."
30. Best thing I ever read in the school bathroom:
"Here I sit all broken hearted,
I came to shit but only farted."
31. Excessive masterbation will give you prostate cancer.
32. If you forget to wipe, an iritating crust will form.
33. When in doubt use the smell test.
34. Don't go bargain shopping for hookers, the bargains come with free STD's.
35. If you have ever ordered something off of the TV and got all the free stuff thats a$95 value for only $29.99, you are a dumbass.
36. If you die, you must leave it in you will to put this on your tombstone:
"Here lies John Smith. His last words were: 'I see light at the end of the tunnel'. But unfortunatly it was a train."
37. When exploring autoeroticism, make sure the car alarm is off.
38. McDonalds food is shit. Don't eat it unless you want to commit suicide.
39. Why does the majority bend to the minority? Can't we out vote them without offending them?
40. How To Make a Gay Pride Parade Into a Party:
a. BBQ all the gay men
b. get all the lesbians drunk
c. BBQ anything that counts as 'other'
d. eat, drink, and be merry
41. Lag is good for you.
42. If you are ugly just remember you "personality" is what really matters. (Not)
43. Real men are not vegitarians.
44. Sponsor a vegitarian. Tell him for "For every animal you don't eat, I'm going to eat three."
45. Why wait? Eat snickers and be fat now.
46. People on welfare should work too. Make them do public service or something.
47. Am I the only one that realizes the news isn't real?
48. I am not a racitst. I hate everyone equally regardless of other issues.
49. Don't be a pussy; beat you children.
50. If I see one more anti-smoking add I am going to barf. We all know cigarettes are bad for you but nobody cares. We'll smoke them anyway.
51. Stereotypes are hurtful but very true. The KFC in my town is infested with black people. The jews have a monopoly over the banks and jewlery store. And the whites never miss a NASCAR race.
52. You're not a gangsta just becuase you listen to 50 Cent so shut the fuck up.
53. Children are hellspawned being damned and determined to destroy us.
54. All Trekkies, Star Wars Fanatics, LOTR dorks, and Harry Potter freaks should be destroyed on sight.
55. Only pussies eat steaks that aren't rare (AKA bloody as can be with legality).
56. Remember in any conversation the person most interested in what you have to say is you.
57. Don't try to rob my house unless you like having buckshot in you ass.
58. Nobody's taller than the last man standing
59. Too much of anything can give you cancer.
60. Lifes a bitch, fuck her.
61. Its easier to be wise for others than it is to be wise for yourself.
62. Frog legs are delicous, you should try them.
63. You know you aren't good with animals if:
a. your pet rock bit you
b. your chia pet ran away
c. plants try to hide from you
64. If you walk by a homeless person and he laughs at you, then you know you have made some serious mistakes in you life.
65. Any card games that can't be played with Bicycle playing cards are gay. Especially Magic The Gathering.
66. Don't eat the free peanuts at a bar.
67. A man that is 400 lbs. has a six pack too, his is just convered by a few hundred pounds of flab.
68. Always fuck with telemarketers.
69. <---- Always a lucky number.
70. No matter what you say, the only good Matrix movie was the first one.
71. Keep you comp clean of spyware; you wouldn't want anyone to know how much porn you've seen.
72. I don't trust a man that doesn't have a hairy ass.
73. Konsta's Theory:
It is true that:
pirates > ninajas > lumberjacks > mexicans
Execpt:
ninja demon > ninja
Therefore:
Mexicans < almost everything else
74. Adams Theory: Any word + 'of Doom' just makes it sound better.
75. If you trade in real money for credits on Everquest your are undoubtedly the scum of the earth.
76. Nobody is ever impressed with a Forest Gump quote.
77. Fat people always have the best and sturdiest furniture.
78. Remember any food that has 'X-treme' on the lable gives extreme diarehha.
79. If you are unsure about your home security, buy a double barreled home defense mechanism.
80. Dester Eagle .50 > any other handgun.
81. You know its cold when your hard nipples wear a hole in you shirt.
82. I hate Neo-Communists.
83. I hate Neo-Fascists.
84. I hate Neo Nazi's.
85. ^I hate all the above.^.
86. Columbine victim's father: "A fully automatice Tech 9 is not used to kill deer."
87. My Dad's wises quote: "You're a damn genius at finding problems but I haven't heard any solutions."
88. If guns kill people then I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.
89. Steroids, and Sprite shrink the wang; its a proven fact.
90. We need unreakable condoms.
91. Be careful what ethic group you diss becuase more than likely one will end up in your family.
92. Instead of going to war with Iran, why can't we just drop all our criminals, rednecks, and ganstas on them.
93. Remember, every time you masterbate, God kills a kitten. How many kittens have you let down?
94. I once asked Spermy to help me write these. I left to take a shit, when I got back, he hadn't come up with one yet.
95. Constipated turtles need colon lubrication immediately.
96. When an albino is dying and they say "I see the light", is it heaven or albino hell?
97. Never play games with a Cicillian when the wager is death.
98. Halo 2 takes place a little over 500 years in the future, where are our giant robots?
99. Hitler = bad.
100. If you chew with your mouth open, and talk while chewing with your mouth open, and spit chunks at people while talking while chewing with your mouth open; don't be suprised when you get punched in the face.
101. Never ask for cool people using the word "cool", all you get is a bunch of black guys.
102. Where ever you go or whatever you do, always bring condoms. You never know when you'll need them.
103. When feeding large carnivores at the zoo, don't try to make them take food out of your hand.
104. Getting an STD is just as fun as fucking a box full or razer blades, just he pain won't set in for a month.
105. If you don't like the USA, get the fuck out.