This is my thoughts, my emotions. Raw, and unformatted. They may
lead some to worry. Some to be angry. Some to question me. So be it. It is just simply...
ME!
5:35am. Working on this webpage is just getting ridiculous. I wonder when I'm going
to finish this shit. Updating it will be no problem, but getting it there is the bitch.
NIGHTMARE! - I had a really bad nightmare lastnight, that is keeping me from sleeping
tonight. Just thinking about it just weirds me out. It started off with me outside in the woods
up on the hill. I was hiding there. Behind a bush. looking down at my apartments below. There I just
sat and watched people come and go as usual. As I saw this woman standing in the grassy area my body
went from the crouching position to standing...and i noticed i had a butcher knife in my hand. Seconds
passed and I started walking down off of the hill...pulling the jason mask down from my forehead onto
my face. I slowly walked up behind the woman and grabbed her by the top of her hair and started cutting
her throat to the bone...
and once my butcher knife wouldn't cut through the bone, i went on a hunt for a sharper and bigger knife.
I went behind the shed and found what almost looked like a mashetty. I found myself at her side. As she
gargled for air, watching and enjoying the blood flowing out. and with three clean whacks at her neck
it was clean off...FLASH..it went black...Then I was in my bedroom hiding under my bed (it's 3 feet off the
ground). Katy was sleeping on the bed. And I'm not sure if it was my nephew Justin or my friend John, but
I know it was some slim tall familiar guy i knew sleeping next to her...blah I can't even type about this anymore
NO WORK! - So, I was supposed to work at Sony and that just sooo didn't work out. Really no big deal
but I'm worried that I won't find a job by the 1st of the year. And I want to move out of this apartment and
into this cute little house in Irwin. I'm really excited, but at the same time trying not to get my hopes up.
Crystal (my sis and roomie) accused me of stealing 60.00 from her purse or wallet or whatever. And it really hurts
my feelings that she would think Katy or myself would take any money from her. And what pisses me off was Katy and
I were at Pegasus until 2:00am. Then came home and went into the bedroom until 8am, when she accused us...well me
Then after my mom talked to her she said she didn't think I would do something like that, but yet still didn't even
apologize to me. I just need out of here. This doesn't feel like my house. Katy and I are either cooped up in the 11x14
bedroom...or trying to stay away from here. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I keep staying here. The drugs
have gotten so bad, my landlord is a complete cunt, i hate not living alone with Katy, I hate hiding from Crystal and
walking on egg shells around her, I hate that Crystal doesn't help out, I hate my neighbors... The list goes on. and on.
KATYS SICK -
Katy's been throwing up all day. I've been giving her medicine, having herdrink tea with honey, and eating plain toast. She's been sleeping off and on all day. Which is good she's getting sleep.
I'm trying to take care of her. Just watching her get dizzy and trying to walk and stumble. How pale her face is and how
the veins in her eyelids are puffed out. My poor bebe is sickle. BOO! On with that note...I'mmmma go lay wiff her!
3:42am. I'm sitting here at my computer, of course, like always. Wondering if maybe I spend
too much time on it. Katy had asked me tonight if I was still attracted to her... and that
makes me worry that maybe I am spending too much time on here. and not with her. It's not
like I purposely set out to not spend time with her. Kinda like I do my thing so she does
her own thing. Which I must say I am glad she's getting back into reading again, and writing
more. We layed in bed and talked. And I know still in the back of her mind that she's worried
that I'm going to find some lame excuse to leave her. But I don't think she realizes that I
have been searching since I was 16 to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't
think her mind can fathom that it's with HER. Although we are not up each others asses all the
time. I enjoy being around her. Watching her read, watching her write, looking over at her to
see what she's laughing about on TV. I sometimes wish I could push a FF button on our life and
show her I will still be there, here, wherever...with her. I'm ready for this committment. I WANT
and NEED this committment. This lifelong partner. John knows me, and knows I would NEVER give up
computers, but for Mae (Katy) I would. I know she would never want me to, but it would be something
I would be willing to sacrafice if it came down to it.
