Is a womyn whole without a man? According to society, no, and that is the whole idea behind romance. Through romance we can become complete by joining with a man and becoming part of him, by getting lost in him. This kind of love is when womyn give up and men take. People say a lot of things about love. This is what love is to me.
�Romantic love, in pornography as in life, is the mythic celebration of female negation. For a woman, love is defined as her willingness to submit to her own annihilation� For the female, the capacity to love is exactly synonymous with the capacity to sustain abuse and the appetite for it�For the woman, love is always self-sacrifice, the sacrifice of identity, will, and bodily integrity, in order to fulfill and redeem the masculinity of her lover.� � Andrea Dworkin
Sometimes I feel like I need romance like the whole world seems to think I do. The mythical ideals are constantly surrounding us all, it is very obtrusive. Sometimes I long for negation, the sweet ecstasy of non-existence. The pleasure of self-negation is the pleasure of being part of him and being nothing, the I-hate-myself (temporary) relief of nonexistence. The (temporary) release of the taint and shame of being so deficient. All the pain that men have caused me over the course of my lifetime, everything that I have to carry with me forever because of them, I want to forget all of it because it shouldn�t be mine to keep in the first place!
When my mind is so full of his thoughts and voice that I can�t hear my own, I don�t have to live in my own shames and pain, the filth of abuse, and instead live in the void of the moment. Seeing it from his point of view because anything else would be torture. Seeing out of my own eyes is usually my second look at something. Maybe that�s why I have so much trouble remembering things; I�m always looking from someone else�s point of view, my thoughts are rarely centered in my mind.
I long for everything I know would destroy me, it�s this death wish that is the most penetrating weapon of the male-supremacy. I�m dependent on him because a romantic relationship (or interaction) is the closest I can get to feeling as if I never existed. Men create the pain in me with their violence and rape and then I�m driven to them to wash it away. The desire to die, to be colonized and occupied into oblivion did not come from inside me, but it was put there. It was poked and prodded and shoved and driven into me. Yeah, I want to be loved. I want closeness and intimacy. I want it more than I want to be alive. The feel of an embrace is the feel of forgiveness for all that is wrong with me; the love of a man is the sole validation that I deserve to live, and at the same time the taker of my troublesome life and thoughts. It�s a very efficient trap.
The queer movement was a place where I at first assumed alienated love would not exist. Quickly I learned that things don�t work that way and power issues creep into any relationship that exists within the power structures we live in. But I�m calling on everybody to not copy or give in to heterosexual traditions. Lets all examine the power issues that exist in all of our relationships, and take steps to end unhealthy patterns.
There�ve been so many small murders of my self and humanity, I feel so deficient because so much of me has been slaughtered. But I keep growing back, even if it is sometimes slow-going. These constant small murders are something womyn experience as daily life. Sometimes the injuries are �small� and don�t show up to anyone but herself and sometimes they are regular old murder. One third of womyn in this country will be raped during the course of our lifetimes. A womyn is battered every 18 seconds according to the FBI. These statistics can more or less translate into a man batters every 18 seconds and one third of men in this country rape womyn. Men with the romantic notion of love can do crazy things, in fact 30 percent of female homicide victims are murdered by a husband or boyfriend. And however many of the other 70% are killed by ex-husbands or �adoring� stalkers has yet to be calculated.
We need to keep talking about what �love� really does to us. We need to strengthen womyn�s community so the emotional needs and basic needs that draw us into dependencies to men can be taken care of in healthier and safer ways, so that we can have more real choices. We need to break down the power structures that oppress. And most importantly, men need to change. They need to change now because I know they don�t want to see us when we�re really angry, and that is something they are going to see more and more of, believe me.