|
|
Feedback: Pretty, pretty please? Begging doesn’t look good on me.
Distribution: You want? Please have. Just let me know.
My name is Fred.
These are the things I know. Entropy is always increasing. The second
theory of relativity says so and it can be proved scientifically. If
something can be proved scientifically, it must be true. Must be true.
Repetition is the best form of memorization. My name is Fred and I am not
crazy. My name is Fred and I am not crazy. My name is Fred. E=MC2. It’s
a simple equation really. A basic formula that everyone knows, but nobody
truly understands. I understand. My name is Fred and I do not belong
here.
I do not belong in this world that makes no sense. My mama and daddy came
for me. They came to take me away. Away from Angel and Cordy and Gunn and
Wes. I almost went away with them. I almost went away and never came
back. I don’t want to go away again. It makes my heart hurt so much. Too
much. My mama and daddy only wanted to do what’s best for me. Take me
away from the big bad city with the big bad monsters to a place that is
safe. Home where there are no monsters. That’s what they think, but the
monsters will follow me. They follow me everywhere. I think, perhaps,
they live inside my head. Like the demon with the eggs inside its head. I
know why he went where he didn’t belong with things inside his head.
I told my parents that this is where I belong. I can never go back to
normal. I lied. Well not about the normal part. That part’s true of
course. The part I lied about is the belonging here part. I don’t belong
here. My parents believed me anyway. I can be quite convincing. I lied
to my parents. Will I get in trouble for lying? You’re not supposed to
lie. Especially to your parents. This I know.
I do not belong in this world where people tell you not to feel what you
are feeling. Cordy told me not to say I feel fizzy when people ask how I
am. She said they would think I am crazy. People feel glad and mad and
sad, but people do not feel fizzy. Perhaps they do and they just don’t
admit it. I feel fizzy. Definitely fizzy. Like soda pop and those
candies that pop when you put them inside your mouth. I like those
candies.
I do not belong in this world where my shoes have to match my dress. Brown
doesn’t go with black and I can’t wear white after Labor Day. Except in
special circumstances. I do not know what the special circumstances are.
Nobody will tell me. Perhaps nobody knows.
I did not belong in the land that swallowed me up for five years. This I
know. I was an outsider in that place. They called me a cow and did bad
things to me there. I cannot tell you the bad things that they did to me
in that place. I know I am not a cow. A cow has seven stomachs. I tried
to tell them this, but they hurt me. I have only one stomach. A stomach
that wants to be filled with tacos and ice cream. I am definitely not a
cow.
I could hide in the land that swallowed me up. The caves were dirty and
dark and cold but they let me hide. I knew my way around quite well in
that place that I didn’t belong. Three hundred meters to the east of my
cave, make a right and walk fourteen meters to the river, swim across the
river to the tree. The tree with the good bark for making tree bark
enchiladas.
I do not belong in this place that makes you do things that you do not
understand. Cordelia took me dancing tonight. She said we must get Fred
out of the hotel and into the world. Don’t worry Fred. You’ll be safe.
I’ll be there and I promise not to take you to a place where you’ll be
subject to demon violence. Instead, we will go to a dance club. A club
where you dance and there are a whole bunch of people and so much noise. I
went with her because it made her happy and it made the guys happy to see
Fred get out of the hotel. I want to make people happy. I wore my red
dress. The red dress that I wore when I saw Angel, who was not really
Angel, making out with a lady on top of Wesley’s desk. I feel naked in
this dress. In more than one way. Yes, I know what a metaphor is. So I
went with Cordy to the club and we danced together. We danced to hey
sister, soul sister. I asked what is a soul sister Cordelia. She just
laughed. Why will no one answer my questions? Every question has an
answer. Why not mine?
My feet hurt from the shoes that are not shoes but really small pieces of
leather strapped onto little spikes of wood. They cannot be good for my
feet. They absolutely provide no support. Absolutely none. I left
Cordelia to find a seat and get some water. I do not want to get
dehydrated. Dehydration is bad. Very bad. When I was in the place,
before I found the river, I got dehydrated a lot. Sometimes it wouldn’t
rain for days. The place was bad, much worse than here. Except at least
in the place I did not have to wear shoes.
I never made it to a place to sit. Some man, not my handsome man, stepped
in front of me. He would not let me pass. I think he wanted to dance with
me. Cordy was dancing with a man so I thought it must be okay. The man
put his hands on my hips and pulled me close to him. Oh, this cannot be
good. Not safe. Cannot be safe. Angel would not like this, but it feels
so good. I danced anyway. The music pulsed though me and I danced. It is
possible, you know, for music to pulse through a body. Music is just sound
which is just energy and energy can pass though anything. As the music
pulsed in me, I danced with the man, not my handsome man, who had green
eyes and light brown hair, and my hips did things I did not know they could
do. Kiss me, said the man with the green eyes and light brown hair. But I
do not love you. Kiss me. So I did and his tongue slipped into my mouth.
It made me giggle. It has been a long time since I have had a tongue in my
mouth. Other than my own of course. My tongue has always been in my
mouth. Otherwise I couldn’t speak.
After I giggled, I kissed him again. Our tongues tangled and I felt
swirly. Oh this cannot be good to be swirly but his tongue danced with
mine and I turned smooshy. I do not know if I should do this but it feels
nice. We danced more. I let him take me to a corner and do bad things to
me. Oh no! Not those bad things. I am not ready for a baby and those bad
things lead to babies. I still think that what we did was bad. I think
perhaps it was a sin. If I believed in sin. Cordy came and found me in
the bathroom and said it was time to go. I never gave the man with the
green eyes and light brown hair my name. It seems to me that I should have
given him my name.
I do not belong in this world where he does not love me. Cannot love me.
I hypothesize that if he could love me he would not love me. Would not
want to. In this world, the world that makes no sense, he is a bad man. A
monster, some would call him. But he is not any of these things. He is a
handsome man with a deep spirit and kind heart and human soul. He is more
human than any man I have ever met. Of course, I have not met many men.
Still, he is much more human than the man with the green eyes and light
brown hair. He takes me for ice cream and to the movies and I think he is
sad that he cannot love me. Does not love me. Will not love me. It makes
me love him more. A thousand times more.
I could not sleep in my bed tonight. Many times I cannot sleep in my room
closed in with walls and no rocks. We painted over my story on my walls.
It helps them think I’m healing. It doesn’t matter. My story stays in my
head.
I creep into his room like I often do and watch him. He does not wake up.
I am very, very quiet. Quiet enough that he cannot hear me, even with his
special ears. I must be quiet. In the place, I had to be quiet to stay
away from the bad monsters. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. So still
and peaceful. His chest does not make the motion of breathing. That is
because he does not breathe. He does not breathe because technically he is
dead. When you are dead does your heart hurt like it has been run through
a juicer? Probably not because you are dead. I must leave my handsome man
before he wakes up. He cannot see me. Must not know. I touch his hand
before I leave. He is so cold, my handsome man. Because he is dead. Not
alive. That is what dead means.
I do not go back to my room. I will not sleep in the room that is more of
a cave than my cave in the place. I go downstairs to see if I can find
some ice cream in the kitchen. Somebody is sleeping on the floor. I
almost scream because I am scared. Strange people do not sleep on the
floor of the Hyperion Hotel. It would not be allowed. I do not scream
because I see that it is not a strange man. It is Gunn. I know this
because I see the light from the moon reflect off his head. Gunn has a
shiny head. It is fun to touch sometimes. I creep down the stairs. Be
quiet Fred. Must be quiet. Be careful not to trip over Gunn. That would
definitely wake him up.
He does not look peaceful when he sleeps. He moves around a lot. Kicks and
makes funny noises. I think perhaps he is lonely. I lay down beside him
and wrap my arms around him. I am surprised that he does not wake up. He
must be in a very deep sleep. Much past the REM stage. He is very warm, I
notice. The air from his nose tickles the top of my head. I have never
noticed that the sound of breathing can be so soothing. It is the last
thing I think before I fall asleep. Here, where I do not belong.
My name is Fred. I have a secret. I don’t belong anywhere. But shh….
Please don’t tell.
FIN |
|