SigEp Soldiers in the Sand
by Paul Glenn McCutchen
Our very own 'Army of One' correspondent!
Spec. Paul G. McCutchen
HHT 2/17 Cav 101st ABN Div 96122
APO AE 09325-6122
The End
Well, I’m not so sorry to say, but this will be the last weekend update from
I
want everyone to get ready for some very, very good times ahead. Cuz I’m
expecting everyone to tell everyone else about "coming home from war
parties" that we'll be having. I would like to go ahead and pre-apologize
for myself. Cuz for the ones who know me well, underneath the surface, I’m an
emotional little bitch sometimes. Yes, and it only gets worse w/ the help from
my good buddy scotch. So don't be surprised if I shed a tear or two. Or hold a
hug a few seconds too long, haha. I’m almost shaking right now just thinking
about it. This war has put a lot of shit into perspective for me. Life, death,
the importance of friends and family, are things I feel sometimes I’ve taken
for granted. Because of the wonderful life I’ve lived so far, away from the
harsher things in life, I’ve sometimes been blinded by it. And when put in a
situation like this it is quickly put back into place. Lastly, I would like to
wish my little brother, Thomas, a safe journey over here to the desert. I am not
scared, because I am more than positive that he will be more than fine over
here. Because he is a much better soldier than I can ever dream of being. And
mainly because, he is and always has been braver than me. I just can't believe
that my brother, my best friend, will not be there when I get home. My
homecoming will be darker because he will not be by my side. I love you buddy;
this shit will be over before we know it, and we'll look back at this and laugh
at the memories. Being apart for two years is not shit; we've got our whole
lives together. The army doesn’t' have enough years to separate us to break us
apart. Ol' George dubya must feel safer w/ one of us over here at all times.
Haha. Well, I guess I’ve taken up enough of ya'lls time. I will ask you to
pray for me and my fellow soldiers on our trip south. It will be one of the most
trying times of the entire war. I’m not really looking forward to it. But if
that is what it takes for me to get back to everyone, I’ll drive back home if
they want. Please take care. And know that I love each and every one of you.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for everything. Well, I guess I’ll
see yaw when I see ya. In the infamous words of the great Ozzy Ozborne........."
Merry F’n Christmas
Well, hello everyone. Yes, I’m back from my mission. I’m sorry about the
timing of it. I found out about the capture of Sadam while I was on it, and I
didn't put two and two together, but when I got back, everyone was assuming I
was on the mission to catch Sadam. I’m sorry to inform ya'll that I wasn't on
it. But shit it would have been cool to say I did. Anyway, well I guess that
Christmas is only days away, I of course, have been to busy to realize that
I’m missing the fat man's visit this year. But that is a good thing, cuz I’m
busy, getting ready to get the fuck out of dodge. And get back to the states so
I can live like a rock star for a while. You know, make up for lost times I
guess. But even though I can't celebrate the holidays like I would like, I
really do want ya'll to thoroughly enjoy yourselves. Because I know I would, and
I will next Christmas. I would report more on what’s going on over here, but
really there isn't much. All the bullshit that goes along w/ redeploying, like
packing, cleaning, orginizing pretty much consumes all of our time. A very
painful task indeed, but all very well worth it. It still hasn't settled in w/
me yet, that I am actually coming home soon. It still feels like I’m gonna be
here forever, and I still can't believe I’ve spent ten months over here. I
wish this was longer, but as you can probably tell from my last updates in the
last month or so, this place is wearing on me, my humor is slowly fading, all
that can save it is getting home. But I swear I’m doin my best. well, just to
show you I’m not completely thru, and this fuckin country has not drained me
yet, I decided to give ya'll a lovely haji Christmas poem, you know, for the
family to read by the fireplace and shit.
Merry
Christmas, haj,
Guess it's me and you this year.
Minus Santa’s sleigh bells,
And all his damn reindeer.
Of spreading "his" Christmas cheer.
Locked up in a jail cell,
Takin' it in the rear.
They’re
lining up for miles
To give their "best" to Mr. Hussain.
He’ll be the lone conductor,
On this jail bird choo choo train.
So
deck the halls
And grab a tree.
If Santa haji brings you some scotch,
You know where to find me.
Ak
Med, make some strong eggnog,
And everyone grab a glass.
Give a toast to the U.S. Army,
And tell Sadam to "suck your ass".
No
need to be afraid anymore,
Cuz this Christmas will be jolly.
Haji, you bring the booze
And I’ll grab some holly.
So
remember one thing, haji,
When you look under your tree.
That big box labeled "freedom",
Yeah, that one........that one's from me.
Well
I hope maybe that put you in the holiday mood. Don’t forget I don't mind
getting late Christmas presents, you know maybe in febuary, haha. But I do wish
all of you and your families the merriest of holidays. Please don't do to much
stupid shit on new years, save a little for the welcome home parties. Pour a
little eggnog on the ground for me or for any of your other "homies"
that might be stuck over here, spending the holidays w/ haj. Well, take care,
love ya'll, peace out.
Your
Santa wearing cammo,
Paul
Glenn McCutchen
Hello
Hello everyone,
Christmas time in Hajiland
Well, another wonderful cold, wet week in hajiville has passed. I think the only
thing keeping me going is the fact that I don't have much longer left. I am
starting to hear some more definite redeployment dates, but I’ll let ya'll
know when I’m 100% sure, cuz I don't want to jinx it. Yes, I said cold and
wet, this country amazes me everyday on how much it sucks ass. I haven't seen
the sun in two weeks, and now, this backward ass country has green grass
growing. Wonderful. Well, ya'll have less than 18 shopping days till the fat man
comes. People keep writing me wanting to know what I want for Christmas. And
truthfully, all I want is for no one to wake me up on Christmas and let me just
sleep thru it. The more you're reminded of the holidays the more you miss it.
And I would like to ask ya'll to send out a special prayer for me and all the
other soldiers who are spending the holidays in the sandbox. Believe it or not,
but this will be one of the worst times for the entire deployment. Even some of
the strongest soldiers don't fare well being away from home for Christmas. This
will be my first missed Christmas in my life, but I’m gonna make it, cuz I
know I’ll be home soon. On a lighter note, I feel like I’ve disappointed
some of you w/ my lack of updates lately. It amazes me that so many people say
they look forward to them. I really never thought that my meaningless ramblings
could be so entertaining to ya'll. I really wanted to give ya'll a haji
Christmas poem, but for some reason I’m going thru some sort of "writers
block". It’s the oddest thing, but I just drew a blank. But it will pass.
And I’ll give a Christmas poem soon. So as I sat I decided to just make
another list of random thoughts. So here some of them are.
Reasons
why Christmas sucks for haji
- All the snowmen are made w/ sand
- Santa's "man dress" is prettty drafty, and when the wind blows right
you can see his
"jingle bells"
- Camels don't fly as well as reindeer<
- Sticks and lumps of coal are considerred good Christmas presents
- "it's a wonderful life" in Arabic translates to "go ahead and
off yourself"
- Three words: goat milk eggnog
- All the hungry children eat all the ppopcorn off the tree
- "Ho, ho, ho" translated to haji sounds more like a cat giving birth
thru its mouth
- And that kid, Smiley, won't get many takers while standing under the mistletoe
Well,
those are just a few reasons on why Christmas time in hajiland sucks more dick
than an inmate named "sally". I’ll come up w/ some more reasons till
Christmas. You ask why, well, cuz I have no life, all I do is this, haha. Ya
take care; don't do anything to get you fired at the company Christmas party.
And please take care. Daddy will be home soon. Well, I have to go freeze my ass
of in bed and get ready for another beautiful week w/o sun, I’ll talk to ya'll
later. Your jolly ol' grinch, Paul Glenn McCutchen
Happy thanks-f'in-giving
Well, another two weeks has passed, I swear I’m not trying to make it a habit
of doing two week updates. But we've been staying so busy that the weeks are
flying by. Which is a very, very good thing? We’ve just been working our asses
off trying to get ready for the whole process of coming home. And, oddly enough,
I’ve gotten to where I kind of take a sort of pride in my weekly ramblings of
literary genius. And when I don't have anything remotely amusing to say I just
don't feel like writing. I don't really have anything this week, but I didn't
want anyone to worry, especially w/ all of the bullshit ol' haj has been up to
w/ all these attacks and whatnot. Anyway, I just spent another holiday in the
desert, as you may imagine thanksgiving wasn’t the same. no grandmother cookin',
fallin' asleep watching football, then waking up and drinking till all the home
cookin' is staring at you from the gutter on Beale St. ah, thanksgiving is a
wonderful time of year. I’m sure Christmas will suck even worse, but by then
the thought of sugar plums and shit will be replaced w/ the excitement of coming
home soon. So I’m sure I’ll make it. Cuz I don't think Santa makes many
stops in hajiland. For some reason I really don’t feel the Christmas cheer
flowing like Ak Med's mandress around here. But actually in some ways it's kind
of nice, you know, the fact of not getting commercialized Santa shit crammed
down your throat everywhere you look. No countdown of shopping days, no 24 hour
reruns of bad holiday shows. I guess this god forsaken land has some advantages.
Not many, but some. Well, I know this is probably the shortest update I’ve
ever written, but I just wanted everyone to know that I’m still here, and
I’m still doing ok. I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving and I look
forward to hearing from ya'll this week. I guess I’m just a little depressed
do to the outstanding performance the hogs put on yesterday, oh well, always got
next year. ya'll take care, out your man in the sand, Paul Glenn McCutchen
Oh
yeah here is a little joke.....
What
is E.T. short for?
....cuz he has little legs
Two can play that game Haj
hello again everyone, this is the fourth time of writing this update, thanks to
the sweet power systems we have in the sandbox, thanks again army technology.
Anyway, I would like to start off by apologizing about not sending an update
last week. I had just found out the tragic news of the death of my good friend,
Bubba Dean, and I didn't really feel like writing at all. Well, like usual, not
much has happened to me over the last two weeks. I did, however, get to
"celebrate" my 25th birthday out here. Thank you all for all the
emails and letters, they made the day a little more worth while to say the
least. So, you might ask, what did I do on my birthday? Well, lucky for me, I
was chosen to do bus detail. Yes, that's right, you know the one where I have to
ride w/ haji for about ten hours on a bus around camp, to make sure he follows
his schedule and doesn't do some crazy terrorist shit. Yeah, fun times. Well due
to the fact, that you spend about 90% of the time w/ just you and haj, it
usually gets pretty boring, if you can imagine. So I’m just praying, for my
birthday, give me a calm, easy goin' haj, so I can maybe just sleep the entire
dreadful day away. And once again, bad luck's ugly head jumps in. I was assigned
to a particular haji, I have the name of Haji Andretti. This comes from his no
holds bared driving tactics. This cock smack somehow believed he was part of
NASCAR doing time trials at Daytona. Once this douche bag started goin’ about
60, I had had enough. I got up, like fuckin' Keanu Reeves in "Speed",
and put my hand on "Mario's" shoulder and said, "Hey Pancho,
think we can keep it under mach 1?” at that time I realized I had a character
on my hands. He slowed down to about five, looked at me and made some smart ass
haji remark. Now granted, I’m not fluent in this beautiful language of love we
refer to as Arabic, but I know a smart ass comment when I see one. "Oh
really, haj" I say to myself, "two can play at this fuckin'
game". So now I’ll let ya'll in on some tips for keeping yourself amused
the next time you're stuck riding a bus w/ haj...in
Was
my birthday, and I taught him how to sing happy birthday. In which he of course
massacred, but I gave him an e for effort. Happy happy day birth me day happy
you, is a little score from this most hajilicious of songs from the heart. Well
folks I gotta go, I’m trying to send this before the power cuts out again. I
love ya'll very much, I hope to hear from ya'll soon. Over and out, Paul Glenn
McCutchen
Mother Natures Revenge
Welp, I guess it’s that time again, the end of another week in paradise. Just
writin' ya'll again to rub in the fact that I’m livin' the good life. All
ya'll suckers are stuck in the
1.
The weather. This is a biggie, cuz
after my months of bitchin' and moaning about the unbearable heat. Well, ol'
Mother Nature decided to throw a curveball. She just said fuck it to having fall
over here and went strait to winter. Ya’ll might not believe it but it has
been in the low 40's all week at night. I know that may not be too cold to
ya'll. But a mere 2 months ago it was 80 degrees warmer. Not a whole lot of
transition time.
2.
He made the men over here think it's cool to hold hands w/ other dudes, all the
fuckin' time, cuz they're friends. That shit just ain't right. It’s just
wrong, wrong like, well, two boys holdin' hands. I’ve got a lot of great
friends, but I’ll bet you'll never see us walkin' hand and hand down Beale on
a night out. Maybe dragin' each other cuz one can't stand, but never on our own
will.
3.
The language. What a poor excuse for
communication. It sounds a lot like coughing up hairballs. w/ a mixture of baby
ramblings. Probably the most unromantic language ever. And they talk to you
sometimes like you understand. They’re like "hablalba, yanana,
habalabalolecckec." and you're just like "yeah, ok haj, keep diggin'."
4.
Their undying love of boy bands. Yes, its true, the haj loves the sounds of the
ever so popular boy bands. What is so bad, it the fact that they are not
American boy bands. Yes, haji has boy bands too. The sound is like a bad
American boy band w/ added weird haji instruments. You know, the odd sounds of
Indian music. Plus them singing in they're lovely language of love (refer to
number 3). And they love to blare and sing these cat raping sounds when ever
driving. Sometimes they just sing it while walkin’ around. Thanks haj.
5.
The ever so popular mustache. I guess I’m a little bias on this one, due to my
hatred for the stash. I’m just not a fan. But ol' haj is. It’s like a law
over here, everyone sports the stash. Even kids, I’ve seen eight year olds w/
a little dirty hair lip. Which grows into the signature Iraqi facial hair. At
least make a goatee out of it or something. Douche bag.
6.
Bathroom habits. Well the thing is haj, well he doesn't believe in the modern
toilet that we and the rest of the civilized world uses. Oh, now many of them
enjoy indoor plumbing. But instead of the toilet, they have a porcelain like
foot grip thing that they stand on and squat. They must lift of the man dress
and just pop a squat. Probably the reason for the man dress, so they don't shit
in their pants. Also, always be leery on shaking hands w/ them. Cuz, that's
right they also don't believe in toilet paper. They like to just use their hands
and then wash em. Very sanitary, sweet.
7.
And lastly. Their reasoning behind picking the most dominant force the world has
ever seen, the
Well,
I’m sure there are many more reasons I just haven’t thought of them yet. But
if I do I’ll let ya'll in. well, daddy better go. Hope ya'll have a good week,
and I look forward as always to getting ya'lls emails and the instant message
addiction I have. Take care. Still here, Paul Glenn McCutchen
F U Haji
Well, hello everyone. Sorry about no update last week. But I’ll be serious, I
had nothing to talk about, and the computers were hit and miss. Also since I’m
apologizing, I’m also sorry about the emails lately. I’ve been getting
behind due to the fact that there are so many, which I thank ya'll very much,
and the simple fact I have a horrible addiction to this instant message shit.
It’s worse than crack, I can't get off of it. But once again, I don't have a
lot going on. Just counting down the days. Still pissed about the hogs, pretty
much it. Anyway, ol haj proved his utmost form of lack of intelligence again
this week. One of the "highly" educated terrorist groups decided it
would be a good move to blow up one of their own pipelines. Smooth, real nice
move haji. These douche bags are really having a hard time realizing a very
simple equation
Act peacefully= we leave
Act violent= we stay
A
fuckin' first grade kid could figure this one out. Hell, even your dog knows if
he shits on the carpet he gets hit. So he doesn’t' shit on the carpet. Haj
seems to be having a hard time with this concept. And he sabotages his own
pipeline to piss us off. So in his head he's thinkin' "I’ll fuck up all
my stuff, and they won't want our land". Newsflash haji, your country’s
already a shitbox, then we blew all your nice shit up and now we're trying to
fix it. As you might have noticed in the last ten years or so we have no problem
of fuckin’ all your shit up. Look haj, we're tryin' to help you, cuz ya'lls
punk asses couldn't stand up to one guy. Now that we did that for you, ya'll
have the fuckin' audacity to shoot us in the back while we're trying to put some
deodorant on your armpit of a country. It’s like we're suckin' you off while
you're givin' us a swift donkey punch to the back of the head. So I have a swell
idea, you miserable mother f'er, instead of blowin' up your pipelines, since
that is your only contribution to the planet. Just burn your own damn house
down, fuck it, burn your whole city. Cuz if there isn't any thing over here,
I’ll take my happy ass home. Cuz contrary to popular belief I don't like your
country and I could give two shits if you burn the whole place down. so haj,
just keep shitting in the hand that feeds you, cuz some day you'll look up and
the hand will be a fist and it will proceed into a redneck, Jack Daniels
induced, dog beatin', pissed off cuz the trailer has a leak and the wifey is
bangin' your uncle, ass beatin' from hell. Now I do realize there are some good
folks over here like Smiley, Mullet McGee and of course "The Coat".
But I’m startin' to see that those sneaky pricks ain't helping any. They know
who does the attacks and they don't do shit about it. So in my eyes they are
just about as guilty. I’m sorry I’m pissed off, but I’m really gettin'
tired of hearing horrible stories about my fallen army brothers gettin' killed
cuz haj has no damn sense. He can't be a civil fuckin’ human being. Like a
damn animal. Then a horrible reality sets in, I could possibly be the next one
that these coward fucks shoot in the back. Well I say to hell w/ that. This will
not be the last things that I see. I’ll be 85, staring at the bottom of an
empty scotch bottle while havin' sex w/ a 23 yr old coed. Haha.
I
still don't oppose what we have done over here. A very evil man had to be
stopped and I’m proud to say I had a small part in it. And I’ve had more
than enough sympathy and patience with these so called people, but even I can
only take so much. Also these anti war activists, that take "poor"
hajis side. And want to keep suckin’ these people off; I give them a very loud
FUCK YOU. I’ll gladly let you come deal w/ haji on a day to day basis, after
about six days you'll be loading your gun ready to kill one. And while you're
protesting, just take a quick second and realize if it wasn't for me and other
soldiers you would be shot for protesting the government. Little thought.
Don’t
worry, I’ll still enjoy myself thoroughly making fun of them, and I’ll
gladly let ya'll enjoy the mishaps. Not because I’m racist or a bigot, it's
because these people are stupid. And one thing I’ve learned over the years is
the one good thing about stupid people are good for is laughing at their
misfortunes and shortcomings. If you can't already tell I’ve had my fill of
this crotch of the universe. I’ve been there done that, bought the shitty
t-shirt, rode the carney built Ferris wheel and threw up all the damn funnel
cake. Cuz boys and girls it's time for daddy to come home. Thank god, the
preparations for coming home have slowly but surely begun. We’ve officially
started the long drawn out process of redeployment to the states. Still no exact
date but go ahead and start prepping your livers, break out the ticker tape cuz
in a few short months it f'in on, on like Donkey Kong. Ya’ll be good, holla.
Still gettin’ pimp slapped by the haj, Paul Glenn McCutchen
10/11/2003
The Tale Of The Three Amigos
Hello, everyone. I hope ya'll had a pleasant week. Mine of course was boring and
full of the usual flies and sand. I had a huge variety of emotions tonight. I
got online and found out I could watch the hogs game on the internet. Yes,
that's right; it is the third out of five games I've actually been able to see,
in
Well, obviously I have no update to give
ya'll. Just another week full of groundhog days. but that's fine w/ me cuz they
go by faster. I was sitting in my crackhouse today thinking, what am I going to
tell these people, I started to think. Everyone really responded well to the pic
of lil' Corngrits and smiley last week so I thought of a story to tell ya'll
about our newfound self-proclaimed heroes of the
This is the story of Smiley, Lil' Corngrits
and the all too famous man we'll refer to as "The Coat". This is the
tale of the first time that the three had sexual relations w/ a woman. The time
was set, a sultry Iraqi night, in the scenic .a story of a boy.
Of his two best friends,
And their quest for joy.
Smiley was a homely lad,
His teeth were big and yellow.
Although he had mounds of shortcomings,
He was a determined ugly fellow.
Lil' Corngrits was smooth,
Smooth as Italian silk.
He had the game of Parker Brothers
That could get a nun to drop her slip.
Then there was "The Coat".
Johnny to you and me.
Had breath like thunder,
And a sports coat that smelled of donkey pee.
The search was for love,
On that special night.
The journey began at dusk
And would run until the morning light.
Although grits was suave,
His companions would need a guide.
"The Coat" smelled like ass,
And Smiley had a terrible grill to hide.
What would he do?
For the night to be saved.
He had to be quick,
He had to be brave.
He came up with a plan.
He’ll hide Jonny's coat.
The he'll use a baseball bat,
And knock Smiley's teeth down his goddam throat.
Jonny began to weep,
Because his coat was no more.
Smiley had a mouth full of blood,
But still anxious to score.
The night was getting late,
And still no hope in sight.
They traveled down an alley,
Where they noticed a flickering neon light.
"Akmed's Brothel of Love",
Smiley said with a broken jaw.
The ugliest women in the world,
The manliest women they ever saw.
But this was no time to be picky.
The time had finally come.
The time to become men,
The time to find love.
Smiley picked a black one.
They pooled their money together,
And came to one equation.
They only had money for one,
Cuz The Coat drank away all the cash.
So they got a big one named Candy,
With a slight hint of a mustache.
They all went into the room,
As Candy took off their clothes.
"The Coat" was getting a hand job,
While Smiley tried fuckin' her nose.
Grits knew it was his turn,
And he knew he must be quick.
Then all of a sudden,
He noticed Candy.........had a dick.
They jumped up and ran.
Their feet couldn't move quicker.
"The Coat" was puking heavy.
Because the sick fuck had kissed her.
They finally made it home.
Grits and "The Coat" were weeping in sorrow.
Then Smiley finally spoke,
"Hey guys, can we go back tomorrow".
Well I hope you like poetry hour from
I have another song for ya'll. It’s off
the new Dave Matthews CD. It’s called "some devil”, the song. I hope
ya'll enjoy its relaxation as much as I do. Well, boys and girls, it's time for
daddy to get some sleep. Thanks again for the IM shit. If anyone else wants to
join, just tell me and we'll be able to talk. Take care of your selves. And I'll
hope to talk to ya'll later,
Dodging' bullets in the sand,
Paul Glenn McCutchen
hey, these are the pics I told ya'll about in the weekly update. The first is of my new buddies, Lil' Corngrits and Smiley (PG8). Get a good look at them cuz I think I'll bring them home w/ me to be in my "posse". so ladies, watch out. The other ones are of me (PG9) and my buddy Drew (PG10) after our bout w/ the God of Sand. Hope ya'll enjoy, holla. Love, Paul Glenn
10/04/2003
Got Sand
Hello again everyone,
another week passes, another week less until I taste the sweet life again. Ah,
do I miss it so. But one day, one day I will taste the sweet goodness of
09/28/2003
No Hijinx w/ the Haj
Well, holy shit. I can't believe another week has gone by. It seems like just
last night I was sending ya'll an update w/ my priceless ass pics. Oh how the
time flies when you're stuck in this god forsaken place. Well once again it was
a terribly boring week. Day after day of the same shit, but for some unknown
reason it is flying by. I’m sure some of you might have heard on the news
about the army sending soldiers home for two weeks leave. And yes it is true,
although there are some stipulations. See, there are about 20,000 or so soldiers
just in the 101st, so they really can't send everyone home. They are only doing
this until December, which in a way is good, cuz that means in December we'll
have better shit to do, like really get ready to come home. Now, I did submit my
name to get a slot to come for this real R&R. but only god knows if I will
get it. The thing is that I’m pretty sure married w/ children soldiers will
probably get first dibs. So finally, this whole staying
Single
and runnin' around for the last few years has bit me in the ass. If I would have
been a good boy and settled down by my age like most regular people do, I would
have a lot better chance of coming home on this leave. Ah, fuck that, if I don't
come home know it will be sooner or later. The wifey and kids can wait a little
longer. But if anyone wants to get hitched real quick so I can come home, the
offer is on the table. Man, I’m so fuckin' romantic.
I
actually wrote ya'll last night, but somehow the power went out and erased it.
And since I really don't plan on what I’m saying, I don't really recall what I
said last night. I was in a shitty mood and I was tired so, it was probably all
sappy and shit. But I’m better now. I do remember one thing though and it is
serious. For those of you who know my brother, Thomas, please put him in your
thoughts and prayers. Cuz lucky for him, his National Guard unit looks like
they'll be coming to visit me on a long vacation to this sandy hell. It pisses
me off, cuz it will just make our reunion a little longer away. Just give him a
call or something, send him on his way in normal drunken McCutchen fashion. Cuz
he means the world to me. No one could ever ask for a better brother, but he's
more than that, he's my best friend. I love you t. and when all this shit is
over, and we're back together again, oh hell, watch the f' out, might want to
sell tickets to that party. Just take care of yourself, and don't knock up any
haji ladies.
I hope ya'll
enjoyed my recent picture escapades. Please, if you want to see any thing
specific of me or shit I see over here, don't be afraid to ask. I’m trying to
get some good pics of my haji buddies for next week. So we'll see how that works
out. I just want ya'll to know how much the emails ya'll send mean to me. They
pretty much are the reason I look forward to each day, thanks. I’d probably be
a fuckin' nut case w/ out ya'll's support. once again I’m sorry I have no
hijinx w/ the haj to talk about, I guess I’ll stop boring everyone w/ my
useless ramblings of nonsense, and let ya'll get back to whatever ya'll do.
Holla back. Talk to ya'll soon. Still here, Paul Glenn McCutchen
Casa De La
Hey everyone, I realized
that in my weekly update I mentioned some stuff about my "house" I
live in, and have for about four months now. I don't think ya'll probably get
the idea of how "crackhouse-ish" it really is, so here is a pic. Now
doesn't it look like the Hotel Corral Essex from Revenge Of The Nerds II. You
know the one where they changed the sign to say "hot oral sex". I
figured I’ll paint that on top. Or maybe put the SigEp letters on it, you know
since our house "mysteriously" went up in flames last year. Well, hope
ya'll enjoy the priceless pics. I’ll talk to ya'll soon.
From
a west,
Paul Glenn McCutchen
House
09/21/2003
Priceless
I
decided to make my own priceless picture series.
...cost of sending soldiers to
...digital camera $200
...Sgt. Johnson's NASCAR hat $15
...Sgt. Anderson's pillow $8
...soldier w/ way to much time on his hands ...priceless
Pic
1
Pic 2
Bangin’ In
Well, as another week fades away I come to ya'll once again with my ramblings
about nonsense and what have you. I know ya'll won't believe it but absolutely
nothing has happened for shit this week. It went by so quick I didn't even pay
attention to what the hell was going on. Days around here are over so quickly
you don't really even feel the need to wake up. I’m telling ya'll I’m in the
sequel to the movie Groundhog Day, but w/o Bill Murray and all the funny shit
that happened. Well let me think I guess some shit may have gone on worth
talking about. I met the general of the 101st; he came to our unit to give us
coins. For ya'll that don't know some of these army tradition things, you
receive coins for different merits, kind of like an award. Some people carry
around numerous coins on them at all times. I have about three, and one of them
was given to me by my brother, so I don't have a lot. But it is very out of the
ordinary for the commanding general to come and pass out coins to a whole
squadron. He gave a speech and shit, found out my unit is the most decorated in
the 101st for the war, so that's pretty cool. Anyway sorry about the army
lesson. He did say we are definitely over the hump and we have only a few hard
months ahead before we are back to the promise land. Sorry I’m probably boring
ya'll but seriously, it's not very amusing over here this week. I do have a
couple of pet peeves that are really bothering me though. For one, the goddamn
flies. See, I’ve grown up working in the rice fields of ark, the drunken
summer nights backroadin' so you would expect insects wouldn't bother me so
much. But fuck me sideways, the flies over here are ridiculous. These flying
Satan clones are relentless. I swear these little bastards mock you. They look
you in the eyes, call you a bitch, and dare you to swing. So I’ve turned it
into a sheer art form in killing these fuckers. I’m vowing to kill all these
shit eaters before I leave. I take on a huge sense of empowerment every time one
of their deaths comes to my hands. It’s kind of sad you might say, but you
can't take a shit w/o ones of these bitches handing you toilet paper and
offering you a mint. Other pet peeves I have are just, well, how can I say
it...people. You know at your job, there are a few people you just can't wait to
leave at
P.S.
I almost forgot the songs I've enjoyed for the week. This is just a whole CD.
The band is Kings of Leon. Best CD I’ve heard in a long time. New southern
rock at its best. Enjoy.
09/13/2003
Tuck Fexas
Hello again everyone, I would just like to start off this update w/ a few
words.......go hogs, go hogs, pig f'in soooooooie! Thanks to the beautiful
people at the armed forces networks I was able to watch the Arkansas/Texas game.
And what a beautiful sight it was. I pretty much made an ass of my self due to
the fact most of the people were watching the game just cuz there was a game on,
and I, was my normal rabid self. I was getting some funny looks as I screamed
obscenities and threw shit during the game. But it was definitely worth it. Well
anyway, I’m very sorry I didn't have an update of my weekly ramblings last
week. They are trying to fix our computers or something and it wasn't working
worth a shit. I think they have them working good now....but we'll see. We’re
supposed to be able to do instant messaging soon w/ a web cam. So if anyone is
interested just write me, I have email accounts on yahoo and hotmail so I guess
we can IM thru those. Luckily the weather has started to change a little for the
better. It has "only" been about 100 during the day and a brisk 85 at
night. And seriously it is brisk, I woke up the other morning, and instead in my
usual pool of sweat, I was completely wrapped up in my sleeping bag. Yep, 100
degrees and you can smell the fall in the air, what a beaut of a country. But
all in all not a whole lot has been going on, I can't believe it is mid
September already. I can almost smell the scotch and freedom of home. I keep
coming to the harsh reality that I’ll miss my birthday and all the holidays.
Which is somewhat depressing. So I decided I’m going to make a kind of a make
up holiday for when I get home. I’ll call it merry happy
christmathanksbirthdaynewyear. Maybe
we can get a hold of some congressmen to make it a holiday every year. Sometime
in the spring you know when the weather is nice. It will start pretty early in
the morning, due to the fact we are cramming so many into one. When you wake up
you'll go to the breakfast table and get a huge turkey w/ a b'day candle in it.
Then you open presents. After that you proceed in getting drunk. Drunk? You say,
well all of these holidays have quite a bit of their share of drinkin' so you
got to prepare. Next, you pass out eating Christmas cookies and watching taped
football games. Then you wake up and get drunk again. You put on party hats and
have the
There
once was a girl from
Who always loves to swalla.
And when she comes home,
She's never alone,
Cuz she's always got her brotha.
Also...
There once was a girl from Tirkuk,
Whose face looked like a mack truck.
And even in the dark,
She smelled like a carp,
But she'd always find a haji to fuck.
Another
thing is I want ya'll to kind of be involved in my life as much as possible so
I’ve been trying to think of ways to make us all closer. Music is a very
important aspect of my life, and it is quadrupled over here. I have listened to
my CDs from front to rear god knows how many times. And due to CD burners and
ordering shit online, I’ve pretty much doubled my music collection out here.
And you know how it is when you get a new CD and you kind of listen to a song
for about a week strait before you get tired of it and it ends up in the floor
board of your car. Same shit, goes on here, so I’ll let ya'll know, kind of my
"song of the week". Don’t read into these songs to much, there is
probably no deep meaning behind them. It’s just the song I’ve been listening
to all week. But maybe ya'll think of me that week if you hear it. Or maybe if
you own it, you'll look it up and give another show. And most of you know I have
a very wide, some times odd taste in music. But we’ll start off this week w/
an easy one. "Can you hear me knockin" by the rolling stones. Just
look for more in the oncoming weeks. Once again, go hogs, what a f'in game. I
can't believe I’m missing this year, but I’ll manage. I want everyone to
take care. Have a good week. And holla back shotely, playa. I love ya'll. Out.
Still workin' for tha man,
Paul Glenn McCutchen
08/30/2003
Highlights from the drunken orgy called R&R
Well, I guess me kind of lied about the drunken orgy part but everything else is
true. I hope ya'll enjoyed the pics, please pass them around to anyone, hell,
maybe I can finally get a girlfriend. You know, one that feels sorry for me and
shit, ha ha. Well anyway, I guess all in all my little vacation was worth the
$70 I had to pay for it. It was two nights in a surprisingly nice hotel in
another shitty Iraqi town called Dohuk. It didn't start off looking so well. I
had to get up at a blistering
After
we settled in and got our briefing which told us we couldn't do any of the
things we really wanted to do, then we were ordered to have a good time. Either
way we decided to check out the sights of the popular tourist spot of Dohuk.
When you went into town you had to be in a group of at least 4 and you were
escorted by a Kurdish army guard, since we didn't have our weapons. And of
course the guards spoke about as much English as a two year old girl. But we
wanted to go anyway. As we walked thru this town we were on rock star status
again. I actually got a little use to it. People wanted to come up to us and our
guard would push them back, it was like being in the mob or some shit. Something
else that was very surprising, the women of Dohuk were absolutely beautiful,
well except most of them looked like they ate a gravel sandwich, but as long as
their mouths were shut they were gorgeous. And they loved to eye the American
soldiers, which really pissed off their husbands when they would break their
neck trying to get a peek at us walking by. Also we were told on a few occasions
that the Kurdish fathers would have no problem shooting us if we made advances
toward their daughters, so that definitely posed a problem. a quick story, the
first night me and chris were with four douche bag soldiers, we just got stuck
w/ these guys who were about as cool as a case of herpes. One of these jerk offs
wanted to go to a strip club or brothel of some sort. Chris and I didn't want to
go. I’m serious, I know I talk about being extremely sexually frustrated, but
a whore house in
08/16/2003
Your weekly dose of literary wisdom or something
Well another week in this lovely utopia has passed and I’m
still here to tell ya'll about it. Once again hot, sandy, boring ya'll know the
drill. It did cool off a little this week only about 110 and a brisk 95 at
night; I had to get in my sleeping bag last night. I hate to inform ya'll but
there will not be a weekly update next week, due to the fact that I’m going on
a little R&R. Yes, I know it sounds cool, but it's not like what ya'll see
in those
Well
anyway, not a very exciting week. It’s starting to become like the movie
Groundhog Day, w/o being able to kill yourself at will and all the cool other
stuff Bill Murray enjoyed. I did have one detail this week though. A detail, in
army lingo, is some sort of job you get assigned to that is usually some random
physical labor or just something besides your actual job. And in this deployment
situation we have so many damn details you can't keep up w/ them. I usually try
to volunteer for them just to do something to keep the Groundhog Day from
happening. Sometimes they're cool, like leading the hajis around, and sometimes
they suck, like burning the shit or picking up trash. Well I had a new one this
week. The camp we are at is the size of a small town, and they decided to build
a very large mess hall right in the middle instead of having numerous ones
around camp for each unit. This poses one problem, instead of just walking to
your local mess hall now you are miles away.
So the army decided to hire haji to drive a
type of shuttle bus around the camp to cut down on the traffic that the new mess
hall will bring. Well you just can't give haji a bus and expect him to just know
what's going on. So that's where the detail comes into play. I was told to be at
the central little haji store as the kind of bus depot. I got there a little
late and instead of choosing who I wanted to ride with, they already had the
haji waiting for me. Apparently everyone had already picked thru the ones who
spoke any sort of English. So I was stuck with a lovely lad named Moshu or
something w/ a sort of gagging sound in it. Oh what a strapping kid this was. He
was decked out in his Sunday’s finest attire; a handsome brown and tan terry
cloth long sleeve butterfly collar shirt and his elastic band khaki pants so he
was trying to make a little suit set out of it. All toped off w/ a Gucci belt,
no shit, I mean it was probably an imitation but you never know. Moshulkafhlhf
or what ever his name was also was sporting a fake gold chain w/ a Cadillac
emblem hanging from it. How you know it was fake, you ask. Probably due to the
green collar it left around his neck line. So none the less he was pimpin'. But
to top it all off, he had a fuckin' mullet. I’m not bullshitin' you, and not
just one you look at and say, "Well, it kind of looks like a mullet.” No,
this was a full fledged Arkansas, trailer park, wife beatin', dirty ass feet
kid, dog barking in the yard, next to the '83 Iroc-Z Camaro mullet; one that any
white trash guru would wear proudly. A great deal of business on top and the
biggest party you've ever seen hangin' in the back even w/ the curl at the
bottom. Oh yeah, it was f'in grand. And due to the fact that I really couldn't
pronounce his name, I fittingly just called him Mullet...Mullet McGee. So after
checking this kid out, when I say kid I really mean forty-five year old man, we
decide to mount up on the last bus and get to work.
My job was pretty much to make sure haji stays on the bus schedule and
correct route assignment. Which would be easy...if we remotely spoke the same
language. So after breaking the language barrier, with a lot of hand gestures
and me yelling a lot, we started to learn the route. Well of course, haji wasn't
brought up like us, driving since we were 15 and obeying traffic laws and such.
Haji has his own set of rules. First rule in haji driving etiquette is just
drive however the fuck you feel like. Mullet had no regard for anything to do w/
normal driving laws. Apparently, his driving instructor told him that you, no
matter what, always get the right of way. And road signs are just fun obstacles.
Also to blare your haji techno music as loud and annoying as possible and try to
clap, dance, or whatever it takes to keep your hands off the wheel as much as
possible. Oh and most importantly, nap time...well; nap time is any fucking time
you feel like it; bus stops, side of the road, stop signs, or just where ever
you feel. Haji has it in his mind when he is tired, just go to sleep. Mullet
would have passengers in the bus and just pull over to the side the road and lay
his head down on the steering wheel. So to keep the passengers happy I would
have to walk up and tug his mullet. He would look at me w/ disgust for waking
him, I would just say "Mullet, we have to drive now", then he would
say "No, break time" after I would offer to let him catch some bullets
from me he decided I won and it was time to drive. So this was an ongoing battle
all day I had to deal with. Also Mullet decided that the safest way to get
anywhere was just to drive really fast, I guess to decrease your time on the
road, I don't know. He would just fly down the road, passing stop signs, bus
stops, generals and colonels; I don't think he really gave a shit about his job.
Well I guess I’ve kept ya'll long enough. I need to go get some beauty rest. I
won't leave on my R&R until next Saturday so feel free to write. I wanted to
thank ya'll for all the support. Feel
free to forward this shit to whoever, cuz apparently some people find it pretty
amusing. I get emails from people all over the damn country saying they don't
even know where they got my update from. So it's pretty cool to hear from random
people. I want ya'll to have a
wonderful two weeks and hopefully I’ll have some cool stories from my
"vacation" in north, north
08/09/2003
Temps are great... If great means ass melting hot
Well boys and girls, another week has come upon us. Thank ya'll for letting me
amuse you on these weekly updates, cuz it actually makes the weeks go by a
little faster. And it gives me something to think about during the week. The
responses from these have been unbelievable, someday I hope to repay ya'll,
because you probably won't ever understand how much it makes my day to hear from
ya'll. Anyway, I hate to say it, but I did not get my own crew of hajis this
week. They let someone else try it, I’m sure they will not be able to match my
Patton like leadership skills, but I guess everyone should have the chance. I
really don't remember this week very much due to the fact that my brain actually
fried inside my skull. Yes, it was the hottest week so far. I know I usually
bitch about high temps, but this was no joke. Today it topped out at a brisk
129, the concrete reached 150.sweeeet. A little ratio analogy I came up with to
help ya'll understand is, you've all been in 70 deg.
Temps,
right. And you've all been in 100 deg, a very noticeable difference. Well, think
of it like this, the comfortable 70 deg. is 100 and 100 deg. is 130. I don't
know if I’m making any sense like I said my brain has turned to pudding. I was
on a little convoy to
I would
like to apologize for not having any humorous stories for ya'll. Let me see,
what can I do, how bout a poem to brighten up your glorious Monday morning. just
wait let me think of
one...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................okay,
sorry it took so long. I actually came up w/ two. Not my best work, mediocre at
best but I hope you enjoy. Of course they have no title and really no real
point, but I liked them.
What
did I do?
To end up in
Did I piss someone off?
Did I stab them in their back?
I must
have pissed in their oatmeal,
Or killed their pussy.....cat.
Slapped their mother in the face
With a fuckin’ baseball bat.
I don't
understand
What it could have been.
To get put in this hell,
That seems to have no end.
And f'in bugs all damn night.
If haji says hello again,
We’re gonna have to fist fight.
I just
need a drink.
A mother fuckin’ beer.
Maybe "alone" time with a lady
Will make it more endurable over here.
And the heat's not gonna quit.
I’ll just sit here writing you bastards,
And keep laughing at all this shit.
I hope
you enjoyed that one, here's another.
Not a
day goes by
When I don't think of home.
Going to bars with my friends
Yet always leaving drunk...and alone.
I yearn for the day,
When I see all your faces.
Getting drunk as the bejesus
And ending up in f'ed up places.
Man, it will be surreal.
To give a big hug
To everyone I see.
Even the homeless guy on the corner,
As he's taking a pee.
Ya’ll might have to watch me
So I don't end up in jail.
But I know one of you bastards,
Will happily post bail.
Please don't call me a girl,
If I get wasted of two beers.
Cut me some damn slack,
I’ve been gone for a year.
My emotional ass, will probably cry,
And I’ll be a bubblin' mess.
Just don't think twice about it.
Then offer me a dress.
Cuz I miss you fuckers so much
And you'll never understand
Unless your life's put on hold.
And your entire love life
...consists of your hand.
08/02/2003
One more week down... Too many more to go
Hello everyone, hope ya'll had a good week, of coarse mine was
fantastic as usual. I got to weigh myself again today, I’m down to a smooth
185, I’ve got to get out of here before there is nothing left. I had a pretty
boring week, which is a good thing around here, not to much to talk about.
Although because of my fine leadership skills shown w/ the haji workers, I was
chosen again to be in charge of my own crew the other day. And what a splendid
new batch of recruits I was handed. I thought the last guys couldn't speak
English, they were fuckin' Shakespeare compared to these fellows. But I overcame
that tiny obstacle and went on with the mission at hand. I put them in a strait
line and walked in front of them like I was General Patton or something. I had
to come up w/ some names for this motley crew of fine specimens, cuz you can't
just call them haji or they'll get all confused and shit. So first off we had an
older gentleman, at about 5'3 and 110 lbs, I wasn't so sure about this kid's
working capabilities but I would manage. I decided his name would be Pookey,
don't know why but it just fit. Next was a larger lad, who wore a reddish man
dress, so of course he had to be Kool Aid. It was great, I would see him from a
distance and I’d yell "hey, Kool Aid", he didn't find it near as
amusing as I did, cuz obviously he has the slightest fuckin’ clue what kool
aid is. Then we had hello, he won his nickname cuz that's all he ever said.
I’d ask him his name he said "hello", I’d ask him to pick
something up he responded w/ "hello". Finally I told him to fuck
himself, and naturally he said "fuck you whitey" no just kidding he
said "hello". Then batting clean up was Stinky McRottencrotch. B/c the
smell that came off of this guy should never have to be endured by any human. He
smelled like hot garbage w/ cheese. I about went and got my gas mask but I
didn't want to embarrass him, although it didn't seem to bother the other guys,
my eyes were bleeding. After
A
few hours of minimum labor and some good ol' American porn, these guys needed a
break. So I got them some water and we started to talk. I was thinking, what
kind of American citizen would I be w/o teaching these guys some American
sayings in case they ever won the lotto and moved to the states or something. So
I made sure to teach them only the most useful sayings in the English language.
Here are a couple:
1. You're way too pricey, how much for the fat chick?
2. You smell like a swamp donkey. (That was for stinky)
3. Fuck me; I’m sweating like a Texan trying to read.
4. Kenny G rocks
5. Crystal meth, anyone?
6. My camel gives great head
7. Some call me a space cowboy, others call me haji
8. Excuse me I’m looking for immigration.
9. Face down ass up and I had them running around yelling this one
10.
So
as you see we had a great time as usual. But once again we had to part and go
our separate ways. I thought I’d never love anyone as much as my first team,
but these guys rewrote the book. I shed a tear as they rode away in the back of
a humvee, but I knew they never would forget me as they yelled
sporadically "Attica, face down, meth cowboy". I think they
just got a little confused. Man, ya'll I’m sorry but that is seriously the
most exciting shit that happened all week. This was more of just a quick letter
to let everyone know I’m still very alive, hot, but alive. And thanks to
everyone on the feedback from these updates, cuz ya'll are truly the only thing
that keeps me sane in this shithole. Getting letters and email from all of you,
makes each day worth getting up for. I know I have hundreds of people praying
for me everyday, so I’ll stay and fight for ya'll so our kids don't have to.
It is the least I can do for the many years of friendship ya'll have given me.
Thanks. You jerk offs are about to make me cry so I got to go. Ya’ll be good,
ya hear. Your favorite soldier, Paul Glenn
07/27/2003
Another week in paradise...
Yes boys and girls I’ve survived another week in northern
07/19/2003
Weekly thoughts from me...
Well sorry everyone for the week off. But for some reason our
internet hasn’t been working for shit lately. So I hope this goes thru. Anyway
you haven’t missed much. Just been doing the same ol' nonsense day in and out.
We did get some fantastic f'in news from the colonel the other day. He told us
to prepare to stay for an entire f'in year. Yes 365 days in this godforsaken
land. So that would put me here till Feb. that is not definite, he just wants us
to be prepared for the possibilities. If I miss football season again, I don't
know what I’ll do. Anyway, I just go day by day, cuz I know at some point I
will be coming home. Well I made another trip into town the other day, and yes I
came up w/ some more sayings to tell haji to amuse myself and my fellow
soldiers. You just have to always remember the sweetest rule in talking to haji.....they
don't have a damn clue of what I’m saying. So as long has you have a big smile
and a thumbs up, you're golden. So boy's and girls, once again here are some of
the random sayings I tell haji to make my time in hell a bit more tolerable.
1)
You're my boy, blue
2) School is for losers, and rehabs for quitters, you want to be cool don't ya
3) Don’t take this personal but you smell just like Chewbacca
4) Excuse me, but do I have any meth in my teeth
5) I used to have a shirt just like yours...till my dad got a job
6) come to
7) Has anyone ever told you that you look just like tom cruise, good, they
shouldn’t
8) I’ll trade you this here gun, for a bucket of your finest scotch and three
of your whores for my men
9) (This in my best north east ark redneck voice) hey Dewayne get Tammy and the
kids over here these somebitches are talkin' funny again
10) Can you tell me the quickest way to Platinum?
11) Did you forget to brush or did your donkey shit in your mouth
Don Wan Faye
Bear
Twinkles McGee
Doggy hwy 16 (yeah this kid definitely licked the windows on the short bus as a
child)
Shorty Sanchez
And
my #1 favorite…
King Handcock
07/05/2003
Iraq...Rain, we don't need no stinking rain
Hello again from hell, I hope everyone enjoyed they're fourth. I
hope you all drank yourselves into a patriotic bliss. I would like to start by
apologizing for freaking some people out on last weeks update w/ the poem and
all. You people are too f'in easy, you would not believe the responses I got by
just making a few remarks about a special lady. I really don't know if it is
true or not, ya'll just don't worry about it. Anyway this has been the hottest
week of all, this country is goddamn ridiculous, and in the middle of the day
you can't even walk on the asphalt because it actually sticks to your fuckin'
shoe. Thurs. was extra lovely, there is nothing like awaking to the wonderful
smell of sulfur. It kind of freaks you out to wake up w/o the ability to breath,
I actually put my gas mask on and then went back to sleep. The fourth also
sucked balls, really hot sweaty ones due to the 125 temp. I would like to
compare some of the fun filled activities enjoyed by myself and ya'll on this
loveliest of drunken holidays. While ya'll were still asleep from a Thurs. night
hangover b/c you had Fri. off. I was waking up at 5:00 for something called a
"fun" run, for motivation of course. I really don't understand were
the word "fun" run and five miles should ever be used together. The
only way this would have been fun is if it was full of beer naked ladies and it
was about 100 yards. After the glorious workout, I was on my way back to my room
to find out I was the lucky one chosen for the pooh burning detail. And no, pooh
is not some weird army acronym for something cool. It is in fact pooh, or shit
in redneck terms. See boys and girls, due to the fact of no running water or
indoor plumbing, we have to shit in a big bucket. This bucket is placed in a
little concrete shed that seems to double as a sauna. Well, when you have this
great detail, you go take the lid off of the bucket o' pooh, lift the trash bag
full of goodies out, and take it to the burn pit. Next you pour diesel over it
and begin cookin'. Don’t think you're thru yet, cuz then you have to sit and
watch it so the flame doesn't get out of hand. And just when you thought it was
bad, once the flame starts to burn out, and then you get your trusty pooh burnin'
stick and begin to stir. That’s when the gorgeous aroma of burning human waste
hits you like a ton of....well shit. At this time expect your buddies to walk by
and give comments like " hey good lookin' what ya got cookin" or
"I want mine medium rare". Great fun.
Then
when ya'll are enjoying hundreds of pounds of ribs and BBQ and everything else
under the sun, we get "t" rations. If you don't know what
"t" rations are, well "a" rations suck, and "t" is
a long way down the alphabet. while ya'll are looking at pretty girls at the
lake or where ever, I’m forced to look at either pictures of these said girls
or look at the girls around here after five months of no make up or really any
personal hygiene, I’m used to. Next as ya'll all gather in a drunken utopia of
beer, friends and fireworks, I am sitting on guard duty, the only fire works I
see are tracer rounds from the little village of hajis a few miles away.
Finally, the highlight of my day; when I get to shower and go to bed. I guess
you can call it shower; we rigged up some shit which really just resembles a 90
yr. old man pissing on your head. So all in all, I guess we didn't spend our
holiday much different. Oh yeah, I told ya'll I would probably know something
about my return date after the formation this week end. Yeah, it's not lookin'
so good. I’ve just came to terms w/ the fact that I’ll probably be over here
for ever. Coming home to me now is pretty much a pipe dream. It’s like me
owning my very own Ferrari. I can dream about a Ferrari, I can see myself in it,
what my friends will be doing w/ me in the Ferrari. I can almost smell the new
car smell. But I know the chances of me ever having this car are pretty slim.
That’s what coming home is for me. I can see myself there and everything else
but it really doesn't seem like it will ever happen. But at least I’m content
w/ this lifestyle, I don't know why anyone would ever want to leave, maybe ya'll
should just all come out here. Man, we could run shit, just think about it and
get back w/ me.
The latest rumor is me getting home around mid Oct. to early Nov. but once again, it's just rumors. Well boys and girls don't think I’m all depressed and pissy cuz for some reason I’m in a pretty good mood. I look forward to hearing from ya'll this week. Nurse those hangovers. Take care and I love ya'll bastards. Till next week, holla. The incredible shrinking man, Paul Glenn
06/28/2003
Iraq... The other white meat
Well once again boys and girls another week has somehow quickly
passed by in hell. And yes, I am in a little better mood this week; don't ask me
why cuz I don't know either. A fun little thing happened this week. a sulfur
plant burned down a few miles away, so I had a lovely few days of breathing that
wonderful toxin in. man, nothing is as refreshing as waking up on a hot morning
and filling your lungs w/ a deep breath of sulfur. My kids will probably have
webbed feet and twelve fingers or something now, so I’ve got that going for
me. Well, I finally found a scale to weigh my ass this week. Fuck Jenny Craig if
you want to loose some weight...come to
Every
time I think of you,
My eyes begin to swell.
Aching just to be with you,
And only time can tell.
Wondering if you'll be waiting,
And if you'll soon depart,
My mind is constantly racing.
As you play puppeteer,
With my lonely heart.
Living
every moment,
In this dreadful abyss.
My mind's in a constant utopia,
Hoping I’m the one you miss.
My life is hopeless with out you.
You're keeping me alive.
Thinking of the times we'll share,
While you're laying by my side.
So
if my life shall end,
Before we reunite.
Know that I’ll always love you,
Mr. Jonnie Walker and Bud Light.
06/21/2003
Iraq... it's not the heat... wait, ...yes it is
Hello again everyone, I hope you are enjoying the first day of
summer, I can't think of anywhere else I would like to spend mine. Seriously,
some of you should look into buying a timeshare here; I could hook you up w/
some good realtors. You could probably get a place w/ about 100,000 acres for a
happy meal and some tic-tacs. Well there is not much to update. Due to the heat,
completely cooking my brain I couldn’t come up w/ any topics for a list or
even a poem. I know you are all about to cry, but don't worry I’ll try better
next week. Since I’ve got you hear I guess I could share some sort of insights
of this beautiful land w/ its unbelievable cultured people. I feel very
fortunate to be able to come help these people in their time of need and unrest.
And nothing makes me feel better, when a haji shows some sort of gratitude. cuz
even haji understands that his country is a
shit box and I really have better shit to do than sit over here and watch my
body shrivel away like a meth head in Cross county. When we drive thru towns or
anywhere, the little kids love to wave and they are so amazed and grateful it
almost brings a tear to your eye. And the older hajis look at you w/ a sense of
gratitude for your services. Which is all fine and dandy. The ones who piss me
off are the punk ass teenagers, some who are military that ran away when we came
thru. As you drive by they look at you, as if they are too f'ing cool to wave,
or they're pissed off at you for being here. You know the look little bad ass
kids give anybody w/ authority. Like they have some sort of image to uphold.
I’m like " oh really, cool guy, you're wearing a man dress and holding
some other dudes hand (these haji men have weird ways of showing they're
affection) and you just let me drive thru your whole country w/o even a fight,
but now you're a hard ass nigga." those are the kind that just make me want
to stop the truck, put down my gun and just go redneck style on their ass.
Sorry
everyone, for venting likes that. This damn heat sometimes brings out the worst
in me. I really wanted to make another list this weekend but I couldn’t think
of any topic worth a shit. Seriously, if any of you can think of one I would
love to hear it. Something maybe to put me in a better state of mind. Once again
I'm sorry for venting on you guys cuz all of you know me, I’m probably the
most laid back person in the world and it takes unreal amounts of shit to piss
me off. But after a smooth four months in this shit hole I sometimes don't see
the light at the end of the tunnel. It feels like they'll never let me come
home. I’m just really tired and hot, I need a shower, a good scotch and water
maybe a steak and I’ll be right back to normal. Well guys since I’ve
depressed you all enough. I did enclose at the bottom of this the last email I
sent to drake and zeke on rock 103. Some people have emailed me and said they
heard them read them on the air. So I guess I’m some sort of radio celeb.,
hopefully that means I’ll have groupies like a rock star. I hope you enjoy and
maybe it will bring a smile to your face. Well I better go. I want everyone to
take care and don't get all worried about me, I’m fine, and I usually go thru
this shitty mood phase about once a week. I guess this week it just happened to
be on sat. I love you all very much and hopefully I’ll see ya'll soon. I just
want everyone to know how much ya'll mean to me and ya'll are the motivation I
have to keep going. Thank you for that. I love you and good night. With love,
Paul Glenn
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
What’s up drew and zippy,
I have received some emails from some people saying ya'll have been reading my
Iraqi updates on air. I have to say I am honored to be the unofficial
correspondent from
06/14/2003
hello again everyone, it's me your favorite correspondent from
the land of sand and flies. this has been a very trying week for me. for one,
the temp avg. was around 120 during the day and about90 at night. also I've been
battling some sort of Iraqi slow death virus for the last few days. apparently
it consists of puking and shiting everything out of my body I'm pretty sure I
saw some organs in there too, I also think it came from any hole possible. other
than that this week has been great. to give ya'll a little glimpse of how it
feels over here just follow these instructions and you'll feel as great as I
do.
1.find a large oven...and get in it then shut the door.
2.get large amounts of sand and throw it all over your body to simulate one of
the great sandstorms
3. after the sand covers you then start placing it in places it shouldn't be,
i.e. armpits, ears, and don't forget crotch and ass crack
4.next,do some sort of pointless physical labor, drop a piece of trash then pick
it up over and over, that should do it
5.then lastly, have someone hover over you and tell you how wrong you are doing
it, then bitch about you not being in the right uniform or how your uniform is
dirty
6.wait a few more things, round up about 10,000 flies, a few camel spiders and
some scorpions for flavor and try to ignore them as they gnaw on your flesh
this should give you a little idea of the fun times that are being had. I don't think a body could possibly sweat this much. I avg. drinking about 7-8 liters of water a day....and I pee usually once, in the middle of the night. since I couldn't think of a good topic for a new list I decided to write a poem. if someone can think of a good topic I would be delighted to make some more lists you all have come to love. the poem is dedicated to all the hajis and the lovely smell they produce
Ode to Haji Stank
I've come to see you, Haji.
With your country so shattered and torn.
How the hell have you lived here,
Since the day you were born.
You smell like hot.....sick,
Your kids reek of the ass.
Your wife has no fuckin teeth,
As she pisses all in your grass.
Why don't you move,
Away from this Hell.
Or why don't you bathe,
To hinder the smell.
I don't mean to complain,
Or even to mock.
But Jesus Christ, Haji
You smell like a donkey crotch.
Stop having children,
Cuz hell, they'll stink too.
When I close my eyes
It's like living in a f'ing zoo.
Your hygiene sucks ass,
And your food ain't much better.
The stank inspired me enough,
To write a goddam letter.
So here's a little tip, Haji.
As I bid you a farewell.
Use camel shit for fertilizer,
Not for hair gel.
well boys and girls that is all for this weeks installment I hope you have all enjoyed yourselves. please keep in touch and I will continue this weekly update until I arrive back to the land of beautiful women, actual food, and the sweet taste of Glenlevit scotch. your soldier buddy, and still the prettiest some'bitch in the desert, Paul Glenn McCutchen
06/07/2003
once again I'm writing everyone hopefully to give some sort of update, since I
tend to have a little free time on the weekends I'll try to make this a weekly
thing. Ord, once again, can you forward this thru the sig ep data base you have,
thanks. well, another week of heat and bugs passes by, and still no definite
word of when we're coming home. rumors say aug. but they also say oct. hell,
even feb., I try not to listen to most of them and just go day to day. they are
trying to make this shithole better but it doesn't matter how much sugar you put
on a pile of shit, it's still a pile of shit. I'm pretty much bored to death, we
just do the same ol' stuff everyday w/o bullets flying anymore, which I guess is
a good thing. there are some advantages to this place. tanning,s and, so it's
like the beach minus alcohol, girls, water, or any resemblance to fun what so
ever. I wrote you all w/ ways I keep my self amused on the sayings I yell at the
hajjis now here are just some other fun filled activities we've enjoyed
throughout the war.
1.hide your buddies gas mask while he sleeps, then wake him while wearing his
mask, yelling "gas, gas, gas" and watch the fear come over him as he
cant find his mask.
2.dodge ball (only w/ bullets, you don't want to lose this one)
3.play keep away from haji, with his turban, boy they get pissed
4.who can sleep the longest on guard duty
5.play the always fun game of "how much I'll drink when I get home" I
think I won, thanks Arkansas drinking training
6.which one of the guys has the ugliest wife
7.seeing how long a person can survive on skittles and peanut butter crackers
before going to the medics, I think its around 5 days
8.fight club, oh yeah, I don't know what your talking about, damn first
rule
9.i spy something brown, it's always sand...fuckin' jerks
10. m&m toss.....at kids....from moving vehicles
11. also tie a bag of candy to the bumper, and do the ol' "come get some
treats" then slowly pull away, then stop real fast when they run, and watch
as there head hits the bumper
12. who's wife is cheating the most?
13. which buddy will perform oral sex on you so you can both go home for being
gay.
14. frog baseball
15. and my favorite game of all, the always popular, "sit 'n' sweat"
hopefully I can keep my sense of humor somewhat alive considering the conditions. but I'm sure it will begin to fade. for those of you who don't know my sense of humor very well, you have to realize I'm only serious about 5% of the time, most of the time I'm just talking straight out of my ass. so don't take offense to any thing I say. if you do I will be more than willing to trade places w/ you and you can email me from this asshole of a country. for anyone who enjoys my weekly updates from the war....as I see it. please tell me so. so now I leave you, friends w/ some words of wisdom stay in school....or you'll go to war.
your loving friend holding down the fort,
your new local vfw member,
prettiest som'bitch in the desert,
Spec. Paul Glenn McCutchen over and out
p.s. due to the shitty army email I can't send this to all the people I would like so please forward this to. hell, anybody
05/21/2003
as I sit in this god awful desert I thought I would humor ya'll with some crap. Ord,
please forward this to your sig ep list cuz I don't have everyone's addresses.
and to everyone else feel free to pass this along so every one will know I'm
okay. it gets pretty boring out here so you have to find ways to amuse yourself.
I was having a lot of trouble due to my horrible TV watching habits so it has
taken a while to find much humor in this armpit of the world. I realized a few
things, these people don't understand what the fuck I am saying to them, and
that my friends is a beautiful thing. so many times as I am in town or simply
driving by the hajis, term we use for them, i like to talk to them or just yell
stuff to them from the moving truck. many of my friend remember the sig ep
message board, we would write personal stories or announcements on it. but since
the house burned so did the secrecy of the message board. so in the only fashion
I know how I will bless ya'll with some more of my lists. many people say they
always looked forward to them, and know boys and girls I have finally came up w/
more. due to the lack of them knowing what I'm saying to them I like to tell
them anything to amuse my self and my fellow soldiers to see if I can get the
hardcore stare off of their faces. pretty much you have to picture me saying any
of this with a loving smile on my face and maybe a thumbs up or something. some
of the hajis know small English phrases here is a list of what they say then my
response cuz they still don't understand. its great.
hello............ fuck off
mister I love you.........why don't we get in the back of the truck and you can
prove it
what is your name.........Cletus Bodine, or Jonny Fuckin' Bravo
where are you from.........isn't if fuckin obvious, ak bar and
my personal favorite I love Bush........me too
now a few sayings I like to say to them when they just look at you and stare.
..
how much for the little one ..
your mom gives the best head in the county ...
I think your donkey is pissing on my boot (actually that really happened) ...
I have a serious heroin addiction ...
habla no engles (that one really fucks them up) ...
your sister loves the cock ...so does your dad ...
I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some whiskey today ...
you have the teeth of a god, a goddamn goat ...
can you recommend a good dentist ...
your camel is beautiful can I mount it on my wall ...
do you have any crack? ...
no, no, you smell like shit ...
I have trouble holding down relationships due to my lack of self control while
drinking (it's like a haji shrink, for free) ...
go hogs ...
I could use a bucket of your finest scotch ...
I really don't feel like shooting you in your crotch ...
forshizzle my nizzle ...
please let me dump on your chest ...
where tha white women at? ...
nice tan, Amed
...please shoot me, I just want to go home
...why aren't you in school, oh yeah it's blown up
...here is a spoon, eat my ass
I know you are probably all thinking, that's horrible. but you get stuck in this god forsaken place and you will do any thing to bring a smile to your face. well I got to go. I'm moving tomorrow to an abandoned Iraqi air base. I will be living in a building like the sig ep house, after the fire. but I will talk to ya'll later. I love you all very much and take care.
your new vfw member,
Paul Glenn
05/03/2003
hello everyone,
I somehow got into my hotmail account so I just got some addresses I didn't have
on my email address that I can use all the time over here. it is
[email protected]. I am doing fine. I've been in Iraq since around
the end of march. we stopped in a lot of places for about a week or so. I've
been in Mosul, Iraq for about ten days now. just write me back and I'll tell you
more. I hope everyone is doing good and I want all yall to know I miss you all
very much and I'll be home as soon as they let us. take
care and I hope to hear from you soon. my mailing address is Spec. Paul G.
McCutchen HHT 2/17 cav 101st abn div 96122 apo ae 09325-6122
take care
Love,
Paul Glenn
