rant_3-5-04

2:00 A.M. Rantings of a Rather Depressing Night.

It's 2:00 in the morning. I'm sitting here, pondering, wondering, screaming within my head. And all I want to know....... Is what is the point of life? I mean, can anyone tell me? Does anyone even KNOW? Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. To me, it makes sense. It feels like I know what I want, I know what I NEED, I know how to get it, I know I can have it, and everything is just so clear. But other times, like NOW, it feels like I don't know a single goddamn thing for sure. Nothing makes sense. The entire world is a question to which there is no real answer. The purpose of life is lost. And I think it would just be easier if I were to just slit my wrists, chase a bottle of sleeping pills with a bottle of rum, lie down on the train tracks, jump from the roof of the tallest building in town..... Often times, I think I would be better off if I'd never been born... if my father had dropped me when he was dangling me by my ankles from the balcony of our 6th-floor apartment back in San Francisco when I wasn't even one year old... if I'd just never recovered from my nervous breakdown when I was twelve and had spent the last ten years in an institution.... *sigh*
   My entire life was just one bad event after the next... And in time, it was just too many. And I turned the volume down on the world, and I didn't hear it, and the bad things didn't matter to me anymore. Until something good happened. My God, something so fucking good. Something I never thought was possible. But somehow it WAS possible. It existed. And it was MINE. It was happening to ME. So some part of me decided to crank the volume back up. For maybe there WERE good things for me out there.... But then the good thing.... It went bad.... I lost that good. I wanted so badly to keep it, and it had forsaken me. I so wanted to hold it close to my heart, for it never to change, for it never to disappear, to never betray me, to never, EVER hurt me... because I trusted it so much.... Sometimes I think that the only reason I lost it was that I wanted it so badly, it was so important to me, I felt that I could not live without it.
   But this good thing was taken away from me, given to another. And then I simply coveted it, as I could not have it. I wished to get it back. I hoped. I would have prayed had I believed in anything to pray to. Just to get it back.
   I want it so badly still. I fear I will NEVER stop wanting it. Fear, yes, because it doesn't seem right to forever wish for something. It gets to a point when it would seem you can never have it. And to still hope is not just pointless but unhealthy.
   Anyhow, I've strayed far from my original point. What I'd really wanted to know was: What is the point of life? What's the reason to it all if you just want and do not have? Why keep on moving from day to day if you don't have that which can make you happy? That which makes the days GOOD?

   Does ANYONE know?

~ HQ -- 2:00 AM -- 3-5-04

I've been listeining to this song on repeat for an hour or so. It had never done much to me before. It had never really had much of a meaning. But now... With all this shit I'm thinking about... It is just the perfect song, for all the questioning going on inside me seems explained here. Somehow. I'm not quite sure. But that's the problem with me. Things are important to me, but I never seem to be able to explain why................

- Godsmack -
- I Am -

I am your spoken truth
I am the lies in you
I'm gonna make you shine in everything you do
I am your lighted way
And I'm your darkest day
I'm here to help you see you can rely on me

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I wanna be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I am your peace of mind
Confusing all your time
I'm running through your veins, I am your pain
I thought by now you'd know
I'll never let you go
It's time you recognize I am the Devil's eyes

Just consider me your friend
I am until the end
Can I guarantee you life?
I don't think I can

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I wanna be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I wanna be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready
Death will come when I'm good and goddamn ready

Take me by my hand
And let me show you what I am
I'm taking control again
Now I know I can
Take you back to where it all began
'Cause I am

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I wanna be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

This isn't the life for me
This isn't the way I wanna be
And let me tell you
Death will come when I'm good and ready

I've read enough... I want back into My World......

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