| january 28, 2002 there ain't nothin I can do or nothin I can say that folks won't criticize me but I'm going to do just as I want to anyway and don't care just what people say if I should take a notion to jump into the ocean ain't nobody's business if I do if only I had a voice like billie I could share this with the world or more importantly one single person. for now, this will have to do. the problem is still concealed and the solution has never shown its pathetic face. will it ever? who knows? I do not. all I know right now are the contradictions between my head and my heart and I don't know what is going on in either. in my head I have ideas that will inevitably involve regret and lost friends. in my heart I have something unrecognizable. I wish both would unmask their faces and let the light shine 1.29.02 too proud to say hello and too scared to say goodbye. unresolved it shall be tonight. for tonight, I am unbalanced and unfit for conversation. or rather confrontation. I am both deliriously blissful and dreadfully mirthless. ahora mismo, quiero cerrar los ojos y nunca abrirlos otra vez. that, however, is impossible. so I will keep my eyes open and keep finding new things to miss. 1/30/01 "why haven't you called me? did you forget me? I need to know when were you intending vs. the ablility to recognize what it could be to break the silence and let me know? in the lower back of my throat and aorta mine is the loneliest of numbers and now is the loneliest of times" so which one wins? they have nothing to do with each other aside from the fact that this is the fight in my head as best I can describe it. who knew that weezer could be so depressing and that something before thought impossible and restricted by age is now all I think about? who knew that people could be so depressing? who knew that a second face is so common? and why oh why can't everything go in the same direction? I'm up in the air but then so low that I can't get back under myself to fly again. and what cures this? a meeting? more like facing a firing squad. they think I don't care and they think I am heartless. is this how I'm supposed to feel? me, being the wrong one, the cold one, the bitch I guess you could say. but I feel how I feel and won't give up one for the other or the other for one or either for either. this is not a choice for friends. so I know the end is coming soon. it is a matter of months. some things years in the making will end and some things that hardly had a chance will end. neither will end now though, not because of this. so fire away I say. and aim high. ps - to whomever it may concern: I appologize if this leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. 1-31-01 "I just want you to understand that I know what all the fighting was for. and I just want you to understand that I'm not angry anymore." a simple sentence that really needs no quotation marks but it is part of the song in my head. it is actually from a daughter's perspective as her parents are divorcing but nonetheless I hope to be able to say it next time the sun shines on my sleepy little life. [banana] maybe I will, maybe I won't. it depends on which side of the bed I get up on. the left....or the left. it depends on how I feel. pessimistic....or not as pessimistic. it depends on my dream. delightful.....or vacant. it depends on human nature. forgive and forget.....or be a 17 year old girl. and oh that saying. that horrendous rhyme means nothing to me anymore. now I guess you could say the latter is all I find interesting these dias. tsunamis make a difference. they occupy my mind. they listen instead of hear. they can even be quite vogue. and they bring escape. escape to where I do not yet know but the location does not matter. so I hope that you, as the reader, will read this lightly. it could seem harsh. it could seem complimentary. or it could seem pathetic and obsessive. ahhh...the cons of going global. my head has been pried open for all to see and dissect and judge. bon appetit. salud. manana trae cambia para las montanas. 02.02.02 a fine day for a fine date. where was I at 2:22? sitting in a voiture. or a coche. or just little ol monty. so right now I do not anticipate many words for today. ideas are present but the words aren't. ideas are with me that come with such a frequency that they could be called anything but frequent. for instance, life is good. life is delightful. life is worth my time. all is well today and yesterday and tomorrow. how long will this high last? as long as there are friends, waffles, and late night lessons my eyes will look up to the trees instead of down to my toes. oh and I think it is. or it could be. or it might be someday. not positive, not absolute, but rather hopefull. |
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