| 1-13-02 number one. a rocky start. confusion, frustration, explanation. words - none. how much more black can it be? none more black. is this white? it could be more white a suppose. a white wedding. so, done. 1/14/02 I'm being sliced and spliced tomorrow. never seen the inside of my being and nor has anyone else. my blood, my bones, my consciousness all in the hands of someone else. not nervous, not scared, not worried, just curious. tomorrow I will look like I attempted suicide, maybe even be called crazy. crazy girl with the red hair, the red nails, and the bandaged wrist. never date a redhead, they're mental. or so they say. 1.16.02 ok, here comes the good stuff. and off I went, dazing and dreaming, hopefully not drooling into the little mask that gave me life but takes it away. and that was that. my bone was exposed to light for the first time and now has been shut away again underneath layers and layers and levels and levels of white cloudy puff. that was yesterday and today became yesterday and tomorrow is today and today I felt pain. nothing a few of these can't help, big brother said. then people came. we played, we laughed, we were stupid. I wish everyday could be like that, no scars or stitches needed. 11702 sometimes people are surprising. people that have patterns, expected actions and reactions, and are as well known as your fingers can surprise you. maybe I just did not give him credit. or maybe I just didn't want to. either way, today was a pleasant surprise, even if its effect may be temporary. january 19, 2002 "good night you princes of maine, you kings of new england" an enjoyable film, viewed in enjoyable company, while in an enjoyable state of mind. today should not be ruined with words, but left a little hazy in the mind. and so it shall be. 1-21-02 feeling blue today. feeling a bit yellow as well. does that make me green? driving about with no destination, getting lost with no direction, arriving in a haze with no recollection of the journey. 1/23/02 so what is in a name? letters. and a meaning apparently. I don't think so. I personally think that the one with the title provides the meaning, thus negating the title by making it useless. and so here I am, with a new title, a title that I feel does justice to what is behind it. a daintee chuck is how he put it and I am rather fond of it. as for him, he shall remain the tsunami that he has always been. ps - I hate the babysitter's club. 1.26.02 for over six hours I was just a being. just a being stuck in a sickening day. it was a day filled with awkward silences, careers chosen by technology, and of course revolting LaVada. number 1 - education. right...have teachers come talk to me about education. is that not what I do everyday? oh my stars, that was such an original idea. number 2 - business. so you're saying that none of you went to business school? and you own an ice cream store? look out Future Leaders of America, here comes the Gorin's man. number 3 - undecided. hi and welcome to the undecided session. what do you want to be? a cranberry farmer? hahaha, let me laugh off my Bare Ivory covered face. and how can we forget Fran? why, without him I wouldn't know how to treat people as what they really are: popular or rich. thank you fran, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reminding us about and reinforcing in teenage minds the wonderful ideals of superiority and inferiority. you are a god send. but it is peculiar how days can turn. a day once depressing turned into a night full of dreams and presents. or presence. destroying a day, tearing apart a person, or diminishing other's opinions and beliefs into nothing is easy with words. doing a day justice however is a difficult art that I shall not attempt. in cases like these, words are best when borrowed. "couldn't sleep wouldn't sleep until I could sleep where I shouldn't sleep bewitched, bothered, and bewildered am I" oh ella, you were once so wise. and I am now so tired. time to go have delightful dreams of temporary perfection and complete delight. 12702 I carefully placed my belt back on its hook and kicked the shoes into their place on the floor. it was right and my life sped back to me. I glance at spaces once empty and see familiar objects. oh there you are billie. bubba bear it is nice to see you again. how I have missed you so little loon. I have found that spot in the bed that comforts my back. engulfed by pillows and fascinated by the stars above I was comforted. and now I have swung in the hammock that hung quietly in the corner for so long. home is returning and filling me with happiness. I have finally come back, to the only complete room in the house and am comforted. as I type, the room is filled with lavender incense and Jake is prancing about above my head. how annoyingly perfect. surrounded by boxes and clothes and suitcases I searched. where oh where could it be I thought as I retraced my actions in my head. ah yes, I have found it. and so it was placed carefully on the wall. "goodness, what strategic placement" one could say of it. I would reply with, "but of course darling, the first thing to see in the morning and the last to see at night". and so it shall be. tonight for the first night as I lie on my side (left side due to ridiculous fear of appendicitis) I will be filled with delight as sleep takes me. and what shall I dream of tonight? freedom from restriction? I will fly tonight. or love? perhaps but I don't know that I would recognize it. or sex? most definately not. nonetheless I will abre los ojos with excitement in the morning to see...him in it. a good night it is. |