| april 10, 2002 oh happy day. she completes me again...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 4/15/02 I was bad and now I am good. I was ignored and now I am heard. I was pointless and now I am useful. yet he still leaves the room when I begin to speak. he still rolls his eyes. he still tries to distract himself from my thoughts. but oh well, only four more months of this. wait, no, only almost four more months of this. never have I looked at a clock as much as I do now. never have I done many things that I do now...sacrifice my time for others. worried about shaving my legs. not been excited about what my life brings. been completely scared. think wake is better than sleep. put many a mile on my engine (25.3). swipe many a card through the credit card machine. oh how I loathe those machines. never before have I truly thought of myself second. does this make me pathetic? perhaps. this all came to mind today as I received my first bank statement: twenty-two dollars and fifty-three cents. 4.16.02 I signed my life away today. She casually walked up, shoved a yellow paper in my face, and said, "sign here please." and so, I did. and now I am home and suffering from something unknown. it resides somewhere between my head and that life giving organ. the one that beats 72 times a minute today. I think I will slow it down tonight...somehow. maybe I will shut my eyes right now and not open them until I have to. not much reason to on this lonely evening, except for to look at my new glossy pictures. hi squidney, you look so goofy. and meagan, why must every picture of you look so nice? well, except for that one...and hi divad. I have banned myself from seeing you but not when printed on Kodak paper. so pathetic I may be but all I can do tonight is listen to The Smiths "Asleep" and look at a picture and wonder...why can't he return? why can't he always be at the top of the stairs? why can't I knock on my wall just to see if he's awake? do you think my feelings of today are any hints of the future? if so, I am doomed. april 17, 2002 feeling odd. "haha, that's new" you could say but today is odd beyond odd. a new odd, a different odd, an odd not particulary enjoyable. where is stems from is unknown, how it is evicted from my being I do not know...maybe I should go sit outside and air out. that's what mother says to do on bad days. I should be a happy camper as it was a good day. can I tell you about it? of course I can... ~ dad left this morning (temporary hurrah until I miss him) ~ experience the arts day (big hurrah until the farmers tan) ~ divad came to school (made my day until I saw how unhappy it made him) ~ Luna bars (so delicious, but not when melted) ~ there is a fly on my screen (illuminated and cool but now he has flown away) ~ got my hair mussed by co today (ah, memories) ~ saw "her" today and giggled to myself (until I looked more closely and she appeared to be someone I would like) ~ spun around the room with byron (such a wonderful counterweight) ~ the magic spot (although it is no g spot, it is sumthin) ~ gina goo's explosion in ceramics (so guilty and so sly) ~ got a nice invitatioin from strangers (except for the prince fan...what a joyful match the two would be) so I suppose I have found the root of my oddness. those damned parentheseeeees. ah, well. tomorrow is another day to live and let live and let heal and to not do that thing that I'm not supposed to do. april something listening to some new music at the moment...the innocence mission. quite tasty. but the boy said it was like Nick Drake, no I'm sorry, I don't think you are correct. so today is sunday and yesterday was saturday and that was the most enjoyable day I have had this month. the white bmw made a drive down south, the driver hopped out of the car (only to hop back in a hour later to make a much necessitated trip to the store), and we played much with little disturbance from his right lung. hurrah. all is well again. well with him and well with me and well with Homer Wells in the movie this morning. yes, if I were reading this I would say, "but sierra, it is only 11:11. why did you awake so early my dear on a sunday?" ah yes, an interesting question. my alarm clock no longer is flipped off on the weekends, the volume on the stereo no longer turned down so as to not awake my slumbering self on those days marked saturday and sunday. at 7 hours and 30 minutes today I opened my eyes, walked sleepily across the hall, punched that little bugger out of his little case, went POP into my mouth, and then was too charged with artificial hormones and whatnot to sleep. so I watched TCHR...the cider house rules for all of you not in the inside circle. yes, I know, they are necessary and will help my life so I shall complain no more because I really don't mind that much, just trying to get into my routine. so goodbye now, it be time to be productive. ps - I hope that someday, everyone gets to know what it's like to have someone else know your likes and dislikes as well as he does mine. quite comforting. yes, that's correct, no new weezer song and no black olives or watermelon. 42202 if you feel sorry for someone does that make you a better person than them? I really don't know. for some reason I've taken a strong disliking to the phrase "I feel sorry for..." maybe that person doesn't want pity. he doesn't want others to feel better by pretending to care about him. he most likely is perfectly fine, until of course he hears those words...then he starts to think of what could be wrong, what could be seen as wrong in other people's eyes. all because he overheard one person's selfish disguised as sincere thoughts. just a few of my ramblings from so long ago...how I love finding old stuff that's not em-bare-assing. |