| june 2, 2002 difficult to leave: my mom my father...sometimes david jake...poor guy all my friends with backwards names sitney my roof that place in my bed the bathtub littly monty familiar roads china cafe III the pool the big chair in the big room with the big windows that looks out to the big tree gardenias honeysuckles magnolias living only 25.3 miles away easy to leave: high school high school drama gossip the constant strive to keep up curfew preconceived thoughts ancient grudges new grudges all this is thought on a day when I discovered something that I can now live without. I used to depend on that comfort, on that getaway but today, as I realized others have been hurt by it, I know I can get on without. so a goodbye I say as our paths finally parted at the final fork in the road. this hit me today when I got a taste of emptiness. saying goodbye to him was difficult. maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't. but either way "be prepared for the truth" was a crappy fortune. june 8, 2002 a good few days it has been. lillian keeps me a little girl. we laugh, we giggle, tell stupid sea slug stories. and she holds my hand during the scary parts. she lets me talk. she listens. and she has a glorious dance. you should buy tickets to see it. we see eye to eye now. she has tasted my life on the shit list. seen me as the black sheep. through it all though, thoughts of "is this safe" or "will they see me differently" never passed through her head. friends for what friends are meant for. david makes my life what it is. when I wake up he's there next to me. when I get that perplexed look he explains it to me. when I stumble in a drunken migraine haze he holds me up. thanks for letting me stay the night. it was better than being in a manger. and of course he's there to take care of my skinned up knees. and we laugh at thomas yorke songs. 6.26.02 I always write about being misunderstood. I always write about being in love. I always write about personal dramas. so in 6 weeks what will I write when all I know is gone? what will I write when I'm sitting in that foreign desk that awaits me? will I dream the same in a new bed? will I smile the same after my only reason to smile is so far away? I wonder. so many have been in my place. so many have promised and looked ahead with faith and optimism. will I be different? I fear the person I will become without him by my side. will I shy away and cling to memories or will I embrace my new life? and just how do I find that balance.....I'm in love. I'm creating my own personal drame. I just hope I'm not misunderstood. |