| 4.25.02 tried to sleep but couldn't. did fortunately make it to the half awake half distorted reality stage though. but anyway, now I am awake and have much to do but am not doing it. instead, my mind has been planning a cd. the perfect cd for two certain people. someday it will come into being. my eyes are droopy. words words words blank blank blank yellow blue black white tall vroom vroom spaceman spiff orion's belt done. still 4.25.02 can't bring myself to make much progress in anything that I do today. so I will type because it brings me pleasure to just type and type and type not really having a destination and not run out of ink. joyous. while I was almost asleep I was thinking of things to come. I like to have movies in my head of the perfect, the expected, and the horrible. it's nice to look at your life as if it were on a movie screen with a soundtrack and whatnot. no popcorn though. my whole life put to songs...which would they be? sure, there would be the expected ones like Blind Melon and Jeff Buckley and Billie Holiday...but somewhere there must be a song that can fit my entire life into it. maybe it's on that cd that I just ordered for ten dollars. my life for ten dollars. money money money...too much talk of it. some people have it because of hard work, some people have it because of other's hard work, some people have it because of over-protective and anxious mothers. so that is that and that is why when I shove my hands way down deep into my pockets I can usually find a quarter. just enough for one song at waffle house. I wonder who chooses which songs to put on the jukebox? maybe that is someone's entire job...find every possible song by earth, wind, and fire and type it up on those little cards. why are some yellow and some white? I like yellow more.....but blue be my fave. there can be carefree blue like this one here or dainty blue or depressing blue or almost not blue and I could go on. I'm sitting in blue room in blue shorts under a blue blanket typing on blue. not listening to blue though...or pink. sure he has better cds.....right. who was that boy he was with last night? I wonder. I am curious. it was nice to play behind his back with co though. as mother says, she is a character. a character in my movie. lucky that we have not changed...we're just in a sequel now. and austin powers two is better than one. I will never be convinced otherwise. how did he remember that? from so long ago? maybe the same way I remembered his sketchbook covered in duct tape that he let me look at in english two years ago. two years ago. I was 16? goodness. I seem to be aging because when I look back on my life I am still old. young ends at 15 I believe. for some at least, for that disgusting boy at school that evokes my pity, youth will never end. until he has a heart attack. that boy needs therapy. no, not really. I don't think it would help him because he doesn't want help or really need it because these are simply my thoughts. nothing is wrong. everything is right. write. what was the name of that book that sara should have? dr. fedele's words slip my mind tonight...I will remember someday. because I have emotional investment in it. or at least that is why she remembers things. I like it. but that reasoning is unclear in my mind when I question why three months ago are more clear than one month ago. emotional investment has increased. as did my shoe collection tonight. but they will not remain mine. they go straight to the stripper. teehee. she will fall and twist an ankle and then will not be able to spin right round baby right round. goofy song. goofy band. were they a band? does that count as a band? I guess so. gasp. I had the tape. shout. shout. let it all out. these are the things I can do without. what could I do without? quite a bit. but I couldn't go live in a grass hut in the words and eat edible plants off my college campus. that's just like extreme. it was like the hugest wave ever. then we went to some island for a second. the twenty-eighth of april, two thousand and two so much to say. I have deleted my first sentence many times. but now it shall stay. where to start...how about with what is on my head. her. him. last night. the night before last. the night before last. the night before last. another her. another him. a car. a place. some people. another place. disappointment. joy. comfort. best friends. the list goes on. why was she there? the same reason as I but maybe not. she searched and I searched, not searching for one another when BAM. thar she is. so we chitted and chatted and said hellos and didn't really talk. I can't remember now a single word I said. I stared at the floor, at my feet. there was carpet and it was dark. then I looked over at her feet and recognized the shoes. it was a strange feeling to see her feet wedged into the shoes I helped her pick out so long ago. life goes on. everyday I have seen him for many days. not just a hi and not just a glance but a soul baring sight each day. is it like this for everyone? I hope it is for some. rillian. so today and yesterday and many yesterdays I have seen him and now can tell his touch from anyone's and his footsteps from everyone's. I don't want to change it. so we promenaded around and showed off our fancy garments and it was a perfect night. I heard his car drive up and jumped off the couch. mother yelled at me to get dressed. "you have to look pretty for him" she cried as I scurried down the hall, slipping on the hard wood floor. stunning. quite handsome was he. a rose he said, a rose I said. pictures they said. so we smiled and posed and looked goofy and finally were released. free to be together without question for a night. my best friend and I. meaningful words they were. and we were free and it was perfect. I hope that the man sitting behind the wheel of the car sitting under the redlight with the windoss down got great joy out of his comment. he won't remember now. I don't matter to him. comfortable I was, finally, and he stole it away. confident I was, for the first time, and he crushed it. something I say to myself at times, never heard before from anyone elses lips. the first. will there be more? no. change will come. not with the men sitting behind the wheels of the cars sitting under the redlights with the windows down, certainly not, but with me. I brushed it off for a bit. but then it came back anc back and back and woudn't leave. huddled into a ball on the bed I cried. I truly cried. and he was there and made the world right again. what will happen with them? they both deserve what should come. he deserves her and she, him. different, yes he is. as is she. too late it is not. time has lost meaning. driving driving I was, in a trance. I look to my right and what is that I see? a saab. black. four doors. exactly the same. I look in with hope but then remember where I am. could he be as obsessive as I and follow me home? teehee. no, an old man it was. he was enjoying himself I believe. never again will it be the same. never again will I button and zip the skirt. never again will I slip my feet into the shoes. two more days. fourteen years it has been in the same place. the same people. the ins and outs and nooks and crannies are as plain as day now. no mysteries. nothing of the sort. I am ready to leave. tired of typing the 29th tomorrow is the last day. I sit here and think back to changes in the past year. a list would be helpful. loss of a friend loss of another friend a saved friendship cranberry hair a pathetic attempt at a relationship a hesitant attempt at a relationship a new friend a college acceptance view on life after highschool view on love confidence...I wish it would just remain..... time to type more boring structured english paper. the last of the sort for a bit. still the 29th honeysuckles have made their appearance this season. oh how glorious it is to drive and drive at night with the top down. and what makes that better? a clean car, pink moon, and the smell of honeysuckles. tralalalala. |