| 2-19-02 circumstances and occurances build my memory and my life. and all I can do is use words to describe them. but I'm the only one who knows, or cares, or bothers to notice. mi mente. mi alma. mi corazon. oh how I grow weary of myself and my family. jealous of other people simply because...read the book. february 20, 2002 a day filled with distractions and interuptions has but a few clear moments. somewhere between my father's words and my mother's yelling. during a pause at a traffic light. after I hear the clang of the door shut. while I can feel a hand on mine. clear moments that make the rest of the day a way to pass the time. and so that thing and that word have met and met well. good evening they say to each other. so you are you and I am I and we will get along most delightfully. why must you be next to the batteries? and why must you be kept a secret? why must you be defiled by hearts that lack feeling? and why must you be all she can think of? and so that clear moment sits above the rest, as it should. the future will bring what it will bring and I look ahead with ojos abiertos. oh what a crazy turn my life has taken. crazy. unique. full of wonder. perfect. ps - I am a joyful girl. 2.21.02 so someone over in China once said that past experience, if not forgotten, is a guide to the future. how can it be forgotten if I can never get away from it? learn from it. deal with it. accept it as what you once were. a difficult task, especially when eyes don't meet. they don't even try to. just cower in fear of confrontation. how many times has it been? two I think. three. what more? what next? resolved but not at all. yes but no. fine but angry. and so I will sit and think. don't react hastily he said. it will wait until the thoughts sort themselves out and I can give them a chance. I once had a friend who...I hate that. 2/24/02 pressure to write today. or rather write well. so I will not. "and in that moment, I swear we were infinite." I don't want to explain it. I know what it is. I know how it feels. I know how it sounds. Je t'aime. Te amo. the words are borrowed but it is mine, and his. el amor es como el caer y el caer es como esto. es para mi y el, es para entonces y ahora, es para el pasado y siempre. and so Sr. Neruda, your words have found meaing in me. La misma noche que hace blanquear los mismos arboles. Nosotros, los de entonces, ya no somos los mismos. feb. 25, 2002 so I tromped through the grass out to the car. a short walk there, a long walk back. I sat, and I thought, and I said my words. then I tromped back to the house, only to hear what I had just put so much thought and feeling into screamed at me from the top of the stairs. just not the same when it is used as a thank you, thought of as something so casual that it can be thrown around the house. how horrible it is when it loses meaning. how pointless it becomes when the only words to describe it are also used about sweet potatoes. for this reason I hold my tongue, even though my heart won't listen. 3/06/02 yes, on a time line events may seem hurried and thoughtless but in me they aren't. two months from this. two months til that. 22 days til that day. and five months until everything is gone. the good and the bad and the unbelievable. the well known and the unknown and the once known. the dreaded the anticipated and the expected. shouldn't I be sitting on a beach somewhere right now? enjoying my last moments with my good friends? flailing my arms in a drunken fit? no, not me. instead, here I sit, staring at the numbers on the phone, wanting to call but thinking of reasons not to. here I sit, alone and a little lonely. here I sit, sipping my chai listining to a song with a catchy tune. so many times we just give it away.....nice. has it become something common? no, there is feeling behind it, I know. how does it remain like this? not a hobby, not a way to pass the time, not something expected. not something simply for joy and entertainment. so many hows and whens and whys and why nots now. oh me oh my, I just might learn something new today. |