| february 3, 2002 an uneventful day leaves room for thought. so today my mind touched on all topics, only giving a few the time they deserved. for most of my waking moments I was in a daze and for this reason my thoughts and realizations are lost. I can't remember most of them, only a few stick out from the fog that resided up there all day. commercialization and the shaping of preteen minds. celtic music and the lack of appreciation for it. british accents and their ability to sound intelligent, even when saying the word refrigerator. and of course that...thing (as much as I do hate the word it is all that will do) that my mind has been fixated on recently. I don't know how to get it off my mind I suppose nor do I completely know that I wish to. it is a question, a perplexing imagine as someone I know would say. it is an enigma. 2/4/02 I tasted freedom today. freedom from responsibility, freedom from rules, freedom from worry, and freedom from want. it was an amazingly simple experience that had a more intense than expected effect that I hope gave me a glimpse of the future. I have written my life, moment for moment, line by line and have taken account of everything. there are trials, pain, and moral conflicts. there is also bliss, love, and of course freedom. I happen to be in an especially wonder inducing chapter right now. what happens in the end? I don't know but I am anxious for it, looking ahead with both optimism and suspicion. thinking like this kills brain cells, I know. and so I will stop, and simply revel in today and tomorrow and dreams of this morning. to my one reader: it was a most enjoyable state of temporary reality. ps - the word never mentioned has a sense of reality now. it has taken on personal meaning, far from the rumors and whispers of it. 2.5.02 sierra....sierra are you there? am I? is this me? can this be my life? it seems impossible to think that such thoughts and such experiences can be part of what will make up my memory but they are. and I am. and he is. and today, I began to curse words. at the moment, I despise the fact that I have been applauded for my use of words. I find them to be impersonal and limiting. it is odd because they all have an infinite number of meanings which thus make them meaningless. and so today I yearn for my own language. and out of this desire came an understanding. it is there and he is it. letters that form words that form titles that carry no meaning are lacking. but this in itself supplies the meaning. are we above this? above everything with an appellation? above our peers because of our lack of necessity to render assurance? above everything we have ever known or not known? no, but does it matter? we are what we are, we feel what we feel, and we know what we know. and we never eat the cinnamon jelly beans. feb 6, 2002 number one pulse: 76 bouncing off the walls. bounce bounce crash. so little to do and so much time to do it. wait, rewind, reverse that and press ahead. can't sit still...too excited. nothing in particular, just life, that's all. can't stop my mouth from curling up on end or my feet from tapping but I don't want to either. times like these can be few and far between so I will enjoy it and try not to break anything. close your eyes. picture your happiest moment in recent history. ok, got it. yesterday, my first day to follow through with my horoscope. make it a time that you felt completely satisfied without a care in the world. now wind it up and let it go...welcome to my world. my mind had cabin fever and is now free. my eyes are enjoying the new sights. my feet have learned a new jig. my ears are absorbing new melodies. my hands can't write enough. and my heart has gone nutters. it is a wonder my pulse is so low. I should add that in with all these words words words goose. it can go global too. and now it has. fly free little pulse. haha, loopy loopy. blue skies smiling at me. nothing but blue skies do I see. bluebird singing a song. nothing but blue birds all day long. never saw the sun shining so bright. never saw things going so right. noticing the days hurrying by... blue days, all of them gone. nothing but blue skies from now on. ooh dee dee ooh bee bee bo bo bop dee. ella, you are the light of my life. today is for me, you can stop reading if you wish. no deep insight, no new thoughts. only delight now. should be writing structured boring english outline...no room for my thoughts. oh how I dreamed to finally say such things. and I have said them and all is understood and that is where it shall remain. you, yes you. you bespectacled goober. [insert word here]. just gnizama. arreis eiram notneb. left wrist? right? up? down? droit? gauche? izquierda? derecha? odio espanol y frances. odio toda las palabras. blah. shine shine shine. today I shine. I'm alone. I'm at home. I'm not eating school food. mmm animal crackers and jelly beans. my fingers are shaking. my lips are singing. my stomach is tingling. a special reserved tingle. lower left quadrant sector four row two. hmmm? yeah. my legs are getting tired from carrying the weight of my joy. freedom again. nothing matters. everything is trivial. english shmenglish. I'm not crazy cause I take the right pills everyday. this cd is going to be the source of my demise. times like these I wish I weren't light and flighty. mental attraction before physical? "what was I thinking...she feels like a nut today. sometimes she doesn't". I hope my readers feel as I do today. just realized life is being wasted away in prefab desks. nothing I can do about it though. except for run away. to where? San Peden of course. isn't it a humdinger. oh danny kaye, kiss me you sexy fool. or david cassidy, or your bespectacled friend. |